Fantasy football 2019 -- week 16 recap

Alternate lyrics for Christmas carols this week:

“Here comes Santa Claus”
Here come choking dogs
Here come choking dogs
Dressed in silver and blue
They’ve got a team that’s full of stars
That always seems to lose
Bells are ringing, fans are singing
E-A-G-L-ES
So hang the coach for one more choke
Because the Cowboys are a laugh

“Do you hear what I hear?”
Said the Joe Buck to the large Aik-man
Do you hear what I hear?
Way down at the Linc, large Aik-man?
Do you hear what I hear?
A gasp, a squeak
Maybe just a cough
Coming from failing Dak Prescott?
Coming from failing Dak Prescott?

“Jingle Bells”
FlyEaglesFly, FlyEaglesFly
Onthe Road to Vic-tor-y
FlyEaglesFly, FlyEaglesFly
Score a touchdown onetwothree, yee
Hit them low, Hit them high
Watch them Eagles Fly
FlyEaglesFly, FlyEaglesFly
And tell Dallas bye-bye

QB: Daniel Jones, 45.28 pts — on the waiver wire
WR: Tyler Boyd, 25.03 pts — on Ant’s bench
RB: Saquon Barkley, 38.90 pts — started by Mike
TE: Mark Andrews, 21.20 pts — started by me
K: Sam Ficken, 13.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 33.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Chandler Jones, 14.00 pts — started by Dad

After their big win on Sunday, the Eagles travel up the Jersey turnpike to face the top QB and RB from last week. Jones, taking over for the remains of Eli Manning, threw five TDs in an overtime win against the Maryland Racial Slurs. Barkley had 189 yds rushing, 90 more receiving and two TDs in the win. All I’m saying is that it would be pretty easy for the Eagles to find a way to lose against the Giants this time around.

The #10 RB this week was the Colts’ Nyheim Hines, who had one rush for four yds and one catch for one yard this week. But on special teams, he had 195 return yds and brought back two punts for TDs in the Colt’s big win over the Panthers. That coupled with five sacks and three interceptions gave the Indy defense that inflated score this week.


“Ho Ho Ho” edition

3rd place: Michael Walker, -0.36 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Devlin Hodges, -0.64 pts — on the wire
1st place: Tony Pollard, -1.18 pts — on the wire

Hodges, the third-string QB for Pittsburgh, started Sunday’s game against the Jets and threw two first-half end-zone interceptions for the Steelers before being benched … only to return a few minutes later when the second-string QB was hurt. He finished the game with a 33.8 QB rating, meaning you were a slightly better QB this weekend than he was (one incompletion for no yds equals a 39.6 rating).

But his day wasn’t quite as bad as Pollard’s who rushed the ball twice in the Cowboys’ loss to the Eagles and had a key fumble in the third quarter to cost his team a FG attempt. In his defense, he shouldn’t have been carrying the ball in that key third-down attempt, but Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett had all-pro RB Ezekiel Elliot on the bench because, reasons.


** On Sunday morning, the Inquirer had a column on how Sunday’s game would be career-defining for Eagles Coach Doug Pederson. Sure, it argued, he won a Super Bowl, but was that just a fluke?

I guess making the playoffs twice with a backup QB and potentially three times in four years still gives you a question mark in the eyes of the ever-forgiving Philly media market.

** Story on ESPN this weekend: “Ja Morant nearly throws down iconic poster dunk on Kevin Love.”

So, “player missed a dunk” is now worth a story on ESPN.

But wait, there’s more! They had a sidebar story titled “Love has the perfect response to Morant’s epic missed dunk” which I assume just said “why are you people interviewing me about a missed dunk?”

** After a 3-6 start this season, the Kent State Golden Flashes rallied to win their final three games, make a bowl game and then rally in that game for a victory. After the game, Coach Sean Lewis was asked how he motivated his team to success after the rough start.

“These guys just kept believing in what we were building, and now we’re here,” he said.

And while I appreciate the spirit of teamwork and achievement, I’m not sure the coach really told his guys if they worked hard and stayed focused that they could build the kind of team to win the Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl. That’s a pretty tough sell.

Two of the biggest single-season records in NFL history have already fallen even before the final week of the season. On Sunday, Saints WR Michael Thomas broke the mark for receptions in a season (143) and appears poised to shatter that with even a mediocre performance next week. Last week, Ravens QB Lamar Jackson broke the single-season rushing record for quarterbacks and threw another 100-plus yards on the total this week to end the season at 1,206 (he is expected to sit next week).

With that in mind, here’s a look at a few of the records left that could be broken next week:

** RB Christian McCaffery — The Panthers all-pro needs 216 yds (rushing and receiving) to break the NFL record of 2,509 all-purpose (non-passing) yds in a single season. With nothing else to play for, expect him to get plenty of carries.

** DE Chandler Jones — Quietly, the Cardinals lineman has collected 19 sacks this year and is within striking distance of the season record of 22.5, set when Brett Favre decided to lay down in front of Michael Strahan back in 2001. Rams QB Jared Goff probably won’t be as generous.

** QB Tom Brady — The aging Patriots signal caller is within reach of the single-season passing TD mark, needing only 34 on Sunday to pass Peyton Manning’s mark of 55. Lest you think that’s out of reach, remember this is the Dolphins, who are terrible, and the Patriots, who will cheat to get there.

** Cowboys Head Coach Jason Garrett — The single season record for a coach being fired in a season is one, held by multiple individuals. Garrett may be fired five or six times on Sunday immediately following the game.

** TE Zach Ertz — The legendary Eagles tight end has a chance to break more ribs this weekend. Please don't, for the love of gawd, unless they are the ribs of Giants defenders.


Speaking of Garrett, Sunday’s loss to the Eagles may mark the end of the coach’s time with the Cowboys, which would be a shame for the rest of the NFC East, given his ineptitude. He has been head coach of the team for the last nine years, but never advanced past the second round of the playoffs. Should his lack of success be a surprise, though? After all, his name spells out his true character:

Jason Garrett
** Arrogant jest

That’s it, folks. No extra words. No crazy linguistic gymnastics. His name spells out what he is. Also, soon to be unemployed.

** Dad and I split our games yet again. I know, you’re shocked. We’re going into the final week of the season with me five games down. I’ve seen worse odds. Of course, usually when I see worse odds, the underdog gets slaughtered.

** Fox decided to send their top announcing crew (Buck and Aikman) to the Cowboys game next week instead of the Eagles, because the #2 team vs. the #4 team in a division is always more important than the division leader with a chance to clinch a playoff spot.

** Chance for Ohio State to get in the college football championship game Saturday night, chance for the Eagles to get in the playoffs on Sunday afternoon. This could be one of the greatest 20 hours of football in our house in a while or one of the worst.


Week 16 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt Awesome), 2091.80 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 2080.96 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 2015.85 pts
4 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1787.50 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1774.57 pts
6 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1771.14 pts
7 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1738.92 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1733.67 pts
9 — Requiem for a Season (Paul), 1731.16 pts
10 — Philly Special (Jo), 1700.86 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1563.61 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 32.93 pts

Valiant effort by Dad this week to get into second place, but it appears everyone who is going to pass the 2,000-point championship threshold has already done so. But who will hoist the Awesome Cup next week?

In corner #3, we have two-time champ Mike, who hasn’t claimed a league title in 11 years but has managed to cobble together a competitive squad with a rag-tag collection of Buccaneers, second-string receivers and top draft pick RB Saquon Barkley.

In corner #2, we have 2013 champ Sam, who has the highest single-week total of the year and has been a nearly unstoppable force in the second half of the season, thanks to Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott when they aren’t choking.

And in corner #1, we have the four-time champ whose wisdom guided him to draft gems like Lamar Jackson and the New England defense and whose waiver-wire savvy has kept him afloat with a revolving cast of solid RBs and WRs. Can his intelligence and charm be upset? Or are we looking at a record-extending fifth title?

We’ll know this time next week. All the games are on Sunday, so set your rosters early and get one more good week in before the fantasy sabbatical begins.