— Combined, the four NFC East teams have 14 wins, the least of any division. Second worst is the AFC North, which has 17. The top is the NFC West, with 26.
— Of those 14 wins, six of them are from within the division. Three more are against the Dolphins and Jets, two of the five worst teams in all of football.
— The NFC East teams also have a combined -121 point differential this year. The second worst division is the NFC South, with -68 … almost half as bad.
— Absent divisions, if the playoffs were to start today, the Cowboys would be the sixth seed in the NFC, just barely beating the Rams in a tiebreaker for the final spot.
— The division has the Washington Racial Slurs, who appear to be the worst team in football even though they have one more win than the 0-10 Bengals.
And yet somehow, the Eagles or Cowboys will get a home playoff game in January. Because, NFL.
QB: Lamar Jackson, 41.48 pts — started by me
WR: John Brown, 25.63 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Mark Ingram, 20.77 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Ryan Griffin, 15.77 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Stephen Hauschka, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 29.00 pts — on the wire
D: Maxx Crosby, 12.00 pts — on the wire
Russell Wilson’s week off gave Jackson the chance to run past him in the fantasy pts standings. He’s the first player over 300 pts this year, thanks to 2258 passing yds, 788 rushing yds and 25 combined TDs through the first 10 games. And here’s your reminder that he was the eighth QB drafted, two rounds behind Aaron Rodgers (who, coincidentally, is the eight QB in league fantasy pts right now).
That’s a bit of surprise, but it’s nothing compared to the Falcons defense the last two weeks. In their first eight games, Hotlanta had seven sacks, four turnovers and a total of two fantasy pts (five weeks with zero or fewer pts). In their last two games — against the Saints and Panthers, both high-powered offenses — they collected 11 sacks, four turnovers and 40 fantasy pts. Truly, the league makes no sense right now.
“Bad defenses” edition
3rd place: Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Detroit. -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Houston, -5.00 pts — on the wire
The Texans loss was allegedly the first time since QB Deshaun Watson’s high school days that his team lost by more than two TDs (41-7, to the Ravens). I’m not sure how much credit he should get for that, since I didn’t see him doing much on defense this week.
** Funny sports story of the week, according to multiple outlets: Bengals fan Jeff Lanham was so frustrated with his team earlier this year that before week 5, he told his wife he’d move onto the roof of their restaurant and live there until the Cincinnati squad won their first game. She repeated the boast to a local nes crew covering a tailgate party at the event, and now he has been living on the roof for nearly two months.
Everyone has been asking him what happens if the team goes 0-16 this season, but the question they should be asking is “when are you and your wife getting counseling?” Because it’s pretty clear they just don’t want to live together anymore.
** Clinically insane former Patriots WR Anonio Brown on Tuesday took to social media to apologize for mocking team owner Robert Kraft’s entanglement in a massage parlor scandal earlier this year, saying “sorry for the bad media and the drama! Thank you sincerely.”
So, he’ll be back for week 13, I guess?
How the 0-10 Bengals can still make the playoffs:
— The Bengals win their last six games, and finish the season at 6-10 (6-6 in AFC).
— The Texans lose their last six games, finish 6-10 (5-7 in AFC).
— The Raiders lose their last six games, finish 6-10 (4-8 in AFC).
— The Steelers go 1-5 over their last six games, finish 6-10 (5-7 in AFC).
— The Titans go 1-5 over their last six games, finish 6-10. (4-8 in AFC).
— The Browns, Jaguars and Chargers don’t win more than two games the rest of the season (6-10 max record).
— The Broncos and Jets don’t finish better than 3-3 over the last six (6-10 max record).
— The Dolphins don’t finish better than 4-2 over the last six (6-10 max record).
If all that happens, the Bengals should win the tiebreaker if there are at least five teams with the same record. But still maybe not.
Conversely, the Bengals can also make the playoffs if every other team in the AFC is abducted by aliens. Even then, the NFL may decide to just call the NFC West the AFC and leave them out.
Longtime Packers WR Randall Cobb hasn’t been relevant in a few years, but he’s having a career resurgence with Dallas this year. Pundits have credited that to the Cowboys proficient offense, but we know the actual reason for his improved play is his embrace of the foul stench of evil that emanates from the team’s locker room.
It’s no surprise, of course, if you just pick apart his name.
Cowboys Wideout Randall Cobb
** A wounded, scabby colic-bowl troll
** A bad, uncool bro w/ blowy edicts
** A babbly, cow-suited clown odor
Randall Cobb also anagrams to “bad cornball,” but that just felt too easy.
** You’re never going to believe this, but Dad and I split our weekly picks again. I know, you’re shocked. I’m eight games down and 0-5-6 so far in the weekly contests. With only six weeks of football left, the question is not whether I can catch Dad, but whether I can win a single week. ** Ohio State had a chance to set the record for the largest road cover ever in a college football game on Saturday, but instead they fell well short of the -52.5 spread and only beat Rutgers 56-21. What a waste of a day.
** I feel like I should have come up with a joke about Maxx Crosby up there in the top performers. Like, “the extra x is for xcitement” or something. Feels like it just right there.
** Hey I just clinched the regular season title in my other league, which is fun and profitable...
Week 11 standings 1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1435.36 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1400.50 pts
3 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1393.89 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 1300.89 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1279.74 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 1237.28 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 1232.03 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1223.02 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 1192.49 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1139.72 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 1032.26 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 27.71 pts
A disastrous week for Mike (77.62 pts, yikes) coupled with really strong weeks from Sam and I result in a reshuffling of the medal stand. I’m on pace to approach 2,300 pts on the season now, and our three teams have clearly separated from the rest of the pack with just about one-third of the season left to go.
Mom D continues to put up strong numbers despite some questionable roster moves (like dumping her entire RB corps). Jeff appears to have locked up the race for the fewest roster moves this season (one so far, compared to 25 for me). Dad’s strong week almost pulled him to the top half of the standings. And Joey McDeadaccount continues to pick up a few points each week, making my blood pressure rise.
Colts at Texans for the Thursday night game this week, which is also the last week of byes for the season. After this, the only mistakes on your weekly roster will be of your own doing, not the NFL’s abrupt rest schedule. So plan accordingly.
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