Fantasy league 2017 -- week 5 recap

In a shocking move Tuesday, the New Orleans Saints traded former all-pro RB Adrian Peterson to the Arizona Cardinals for a conditional pick. The move makes some sense for both teams — Arizona needs another RB to chew up plays, and the Saints hate his guts — but they’re far from the only potentially pivotal trades under consideration at the moment:

** The Dallas Cowboys are offering a unprotected 2018 second-round pick for anti-choking medication, after giving up fourth-quarter leads in each of the last two weeks.
** The city of Los Angeles has offered to trade the Chargers back to San Diego in exchange for a copy of Madden 2017, figuring that will mean better football viewing for local fans.
** With their defense in shambles, the New England Patriots have offered WR Chris Hogan to the wideout-needy New Jersey Jets in exchange for copies of their offensive playbook so they can steal plays.
** The Minnesota Vikings are offering QB Sam Bradford back to the Philadelphia Eagles for any spare knee ligaments they have around, since Bradford has used up all theirs.
** The New York Giants are considering trading QB Eli Manning for a broken pitching machine, which would still have a better passing arm and field awareness than him.

QB: Deshaun Watson, 46.04 pts — on my bench
WR: DeAndre Hopkins, 23.47 pts — started by Mom Doyle
RB: Leonard Fournette, 30.80 pts — started by Dad
TE: Darren Fells, 15.10 pts — on the wire
K: Harrison Butker, 21.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Jacksonville, 30.00 pts — on the wire
D: Reshad Jones, 14.00 pts — on the wire

The wire has been having a heck of a run of late. Full disclosure, I may have made up that TE and kicker. I’d never heard of either before right now.

Another great week for Watson, who has already thrown for 12 TDs and rushed for two more. He’s the second-leading fantasy player of the year, behind only Chiefs QB Alex Smith (who he lost to on Sunday night). Watson was undrafted in our league, Smith went in the very last round. Meanwhile, spots three and four are Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady, who were both drafted in round 1. There’s a lesson here, and as soon as I figure out what it is, I’ll let you know.


“Wretched souls” edition

3rd place: Krishawn Hogan, -0.16 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Tanner McEvoy, -1.50 pts — on the wire
1st place: Houston, -5.00 pts — started by Bob

Absent from this list but deserving of special recognition for awfulness was Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger, who had a career game on Sunday playing against the Jaguars. He threw for 312 yards on Sunday but no TDs and five interceptions, including two picks returned for TDs by the defense. His 37.8 QB rating was a full point better than the 36.6 rating you recorded by dropping the remote off your couch on Sunday (1 attempt, no yds, TDs or INTs). But just barely. And four of the picks came in the second half, with the Steelers still within reach of the lead.

Roethlisberger’s five picks on Sunday were more than all but nine other QBs have on the season so far, but amazingly don’t give him the season lead in that category. That honor belongs to Browns QB DeShone Kizer, who has nine and got benched at halftime’s loss to the Jets on Sunday. He has nine, Big Ben has seven. Tied in third place are Bengals QB Andy Dalton and Baltimore QB Joe Flacco with six.

Yep, that is your starting four QBs for the AFC North. Not the best of times up there.


** I tried to defend all the hype of playing the new Star Wars trailer during the ESPN Monday Night Football game — the trailer, not the movie, just the trailer — but marching an entire legion of stormtroopers on the field at halftime was really, really over the top. It’s Star Wars, folks. We’re excited already. You don’t need a mini-invasion of Soldier Field to build excitement.

For the record, the stormtroopers manages a field goal during their trip on the field to post more points than the Bears in the first half (3-2 score after two quarters, ugh.)

** ESPN on Monday morning was hyping a highlight from the Houston Rockets’ preseason game as “the dunk of the year” so I guess we can just go ahead and skip the entire NBA regular season slate now.

** Over the summer, the NFL updated its post-touchdown celebration rules to once again allow “team performances” after scoring. On Monday, after the Vikings scored their first TD during that ESPN Monday game, eight players sat down in a circle and played duck-duck-goose before jumping up cheering.

The NFL needs to re-outlaw team performances. Now.

Also, apparently people from Minnesota call this game “duck-duck-gray duck.” I’m not kidding you. We need to review the terms of their statehood.

** In case you didn’t pick up the theme, ESPN on Monday was pretty dumb all around.

As Fox so helpfully pointed out on Sunday, the game between the Eagles and the Cardinals was the first in NFL history to be started by two QBs both named Carson. But did you know the history didn’t stop there? Here are the other milestones from the pivotal NFC contest:

** It was also Carson Wentz’ first game with four passing TDs.
** It was only the Eagles second win against the Cardinals in nine years (seven games).
** It was the 120th game between the two franchises, and the first time either team has won by a 34-7 score.
** It was WR Torrey Smith’s fifth career game against the Cardinals, and his first TD against them.
** It was the first time in K Jake Elliott’s career he didn’t have to worry about possibly kicking a long field goal in the fourth quarter.

I know I promised more anagram poetry two seasons ago, but I’ve been busy. Luckily, Cowboys QB Dak Prescott is here to help me out. The letters in his name naturally produce beautiful music despite the inherent evil therein. Observe:

“Dak Prescott”

Packs rotted
Torts packed
Start pocked
Sport tacked

Test dark cop
Darts to peck
Cad kept rots
Rats opt deck

Depart stock
Dork acts pet
TD? A perk cost
Park cod, stet

Yeah, you can go back and check, but each line is an anagram for his name and no word is repeated.

But what does it all mean? Clearly, it’s an ode to his evil nature. The first verse signals his game prep and desire to ruin all of football (sport tacked!). The second, the slow destruction of society as we know it (forcing even the rats to opt for other options). The third presents the unfortunate victory of Dallas evil and gluttony (I must eat more cod!).

I would not have expected white fish to be his dish of choice for the destruction of humanity, though. I would have put money on chicken wings. But who am I to argue with the wisdom of the anagrams?

** I went 3-1 against Dad for the weekend, and was thrilled with my one loss (Dad had faith the Packers would pull the upset, I did not). The end result puts me four games ahead of him after five weeks.

** Ohio State scored 62 points on Saturday and gave up only 66 offensive yards in their win over Maryland. When Maryland had fewer yards than the Buckeyes had points, I had a whole long section devoted to them. But after the Terrapins squeezed out those last few yards, it just felt ruined. Now it’s just another dominating college football game.

Week 5 standings

1 — Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 621.13 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 600.60 pts
3 — Animal Crackers (Mom D), 570.32 pts
4 — Foles me Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 562.35 pts
5 — Foles v. Sproles (Jo), 538.59 pts
6 — ThePigskin Predators (Dad), 495.20 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 488.34 pts
8 — Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 468.78 pts
9 — Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam), 467.05 pts
10 — Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 465.40 pts
11 — SmartyPants on Fire (Paul), 446.08 pts
12 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 431.73 pts

The musical chairs go round and round. Joel jumps back into first place over Anthony. I’m less than eight points out of third. Dad jumped back into the top half of the standings. Bob and Paul again swapped spots at the bottom of the rankings.

Remember that there are several bye weeks on the schedule for Sunday, including the Cowboys. If you have players in your roster who aren’t playing, get them out of your lineups. If you have Cowboys in your roster, take time to reassess your moral failings.