Fantasy league 2015 -- week 10 recap

In news that surprises absolutely no one, Eagles QB Sam Bradford suffered another serious leg injury in the team’s second game and is expected to miss the rest of the regular season.

-- Wait, my apologies, I wrote that before the season started. Let me update it.

In news that surprises absolutely no one, Eagles QB Sam Bradford suffered a concussion in the team’s second game and is expected to miss the rest of the regular season.

-- Hold on, he lasted until week 10? That is actually fairly surprising.

In a surprising turn of events, often-injured Eagles QB Sam Bradford made it 10 weeks into the season before suffering a concussion that will force him to miss the rest of the regular season.

-- He’s not out for the season!?!? Two weeks, and maybe less? Are you sure we’re talking about Bradford?

In a surprising turn of events, often-injured Eagles QB Sam Bradford made it 10 weeks into the season before suffering a concussion that will force him to miss a pair of upcoming games.
He is expected to return fully healthy in December, and he will resume his starting role despite playing like a frightened, previously-mauled gazelle for the first half of the season.

-- Yeah, OK, I think we’ve got it now.

QB: Kirk Cousins, 36.96 pts -- on the waiver wire
WR: Antonio Brown, 28.27 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: Jeremy Langford, 30.07 pts -- on Jim’s bench
TE: Zach Miller, 21.63 pts -- on the waiver wire
K: Cairo Santos, 21.00 pts -- on the waiver wire
DEF: Kansas City, 21.00 pts -- on the waiver wire
D: Walter Thurmond, 12.50 pts -- on the waiver wire

At this point, I feel like we should all go in with the goal of not starting any top performers, because we’ve done pretty terrible of late.

Then again, if I knew Cousins would be the top performer more times this season (twice) than Tom Brady (once), I probably would have given up on this nonsense weeks ago. On a personal level, I’m thrilled to see the Bears backup RB and backup TE among the top scorers while the starting TE and RB totaled fewer than 4 pts combined for my team.


“Oh my gawd” edition

3rd place: Marc Mariani, -0..70 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jeremy Ross, -0.92 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Peyton Manning, -6.60 pts -- on Joel’s bench

Ohmigawd.

Oh. Mi. Gawd.

Peyton Manning completed five passes for 35 yards and had five turnovers (4 INTs and a lost fumble) in Sunday’s loss to the Chiefs, posting a 0.0 QB rating and the lowest player score we’ve ever seen in league history. And he did it on a day where he set the all-time passing yards mark for the league.

I really don’t have words for how terrible a performance this was. It’s the first 0.0 QB rating in the NFL in eight years (Anybody remember Chris Redman?) and gives the Manning family the trifecta of misery, with Eli posting zeros in 2004 and Archie in 1974. Literally everyone you know, in professional football or outside of it, had a better QB rating than Peyton on Sunday.

Sunday’s turnovers give Peyton an incredible 17 INTs in nine games, putting him on pace for 30 on the season, which would be a Manning family record. The current family record is 28, held by Peyton. I know, I would have guess Eli too.


** The Packers on Sunday attempted a late two-point conversion to pull even with the Lions. As Green Bay lined up for the try, Fox analyst Troy Aikman assured the viewing audience that “Whatever play the Packers have, I guarantee you it’s something they have practiced and worked on.”

That’s a bold move, going with a play you know in a key situation instead of one you’ve never tried before.

** Bob Costas, on Sunday night, delivered this gem to the NBC audience at halftime: “The last time Seattle trailed by 15 or more at the half was the NFC Championship game against the Packers. They went on to win that game and head to the Super Bowl. That likely has no bearing on tonight’s contest, so I’ll send it to the studio.”

I mean, at least he acknowledged it was a dumb reference...

Every year, Sports Illustrated picks their “sportsman of the year” to honor the top player across all athletics. So far this year, they’ve offered columns on three nominees publicly: Women’s soccer player Carli Lloyd, men’s soccer player Lionel Messi, and horse American Pharoah.

Let’s assume for a second that SI is incredibly sexist and still goes with the “male preferred” system of descriptors. Lloyd seems like she could be sportsman/sportsperson of the year because of the impact of the U.S. women’s soccer team this summer. Messi is a global superstar and could bring international clout to the sportsman award.

American Pharoah is a horse. It is not a sportsman, or a sportswoman, or a sportsperson. It is a horse. It cannot win this honor.

If they had called it “athlete of the year,” then maybe. It would still be a terrible pick, because we don’t give athlete of the year to Jeff Gordon’s car, but whatever. It would be a bad but grammatically correct pick.

But a horse cannot be sportsMAN of the year. That reward has to be reserved for a human. Has to. If we’re giving sportsMAN awards to non-humans, I nominate Wrigley Field. Tell me that place hasn’t contributed more to baseball over the years than any other park. It’s as much a man as a horse is.

American Pharoah cannot win this award. And there is no doubt in my mind SI will give it to the non-human horse, because words have no meaning anymore.


At 2-7, nothing is going right for the Cowboys, and it’s starting to wear on the players. Consider rookie TE Geoff Swaim -- that guy has really started beating up himself over the team’s poor play. Just look at the secrets his name is hiding:

Dallas Cowboys TE Geoff Swaim
** I sow gaffes, team claws bloody

Awww, I’m sure it’s not that bad, buddy. It can’t all be your fault.

Dallas Cowboys TE Geoff Swaim
** Feats of bad, I go yell scams. Wow.

C’mon, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Dallas Cowboys TE Geoff Swaim
** Scowl motifs: Go away bad feels

Awwww, you almost feel bad for the evil little guy.


** Much like the Eagles, I don’t like hanging on to a comfortable lead. I dropped two games to Dad this week to pull us even in our weekly picks. It’s worth noting that even after a terrible 5-9 week, we’re both still picking games with a .650 batting average.

** Finally, after three months of waiting, we’re exiting Ohio State’s pre-season football schedule and beginning the games that matter. They’re played zero ranked teams so far, but if they want to win a second consecutive national championship, they’ll have to defeat five top-25 teams in a row over the next two months. The fun starts Sunday against Michigan State.

** Rams QB Nick Foles got benched on Monday for backup Case Keenum, so I guess nobody got the better of that Bradford trade. Except the Rams got a second round pick out of it too. Dammit.

Week 10 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1373.47 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1239.26 pts
3 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1194.90 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1180.97 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1170.70 pts
6 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1157.51 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1047.60 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1022.18 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1013.52 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 961.99 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 947.58 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 920.11 pts

The more things change...

Another week, and barely any movement on the scoreboard. Dad remains comfortably in first, Sam is sneaking up into relevance, and I’m prepping to challenge the league waiver wire moves record of 43 (set by Dad).

Only seven more weeks of this, folks. You’ve got two more months to get it right or else you have to wait another year.