Fantasy league 2014 -- week 5 recap

National news covering the baseball playoffs (poorly) started talking this week about Kansas City fans getting “Royal fever,” which sounds like it could be an actual deadly disease. But it could be worse -- here’s a look at some of the catch phrases for other cities the powers-that-be tried out:

-- Baltimore has Bird Flu! (Orioles)
-- San Francisco has Gigantism! (Giants)
-- DC has Red Hot Nads! (Nationals)
-- New York has no one in the playoffs! (New York)
-- St. Louis has Scarlet Fever! (Cardinals)
-- Anahiem is high on Angel Dust! (Angels)
-- Texas has Ebola! (True news story)

QB:Peyton Manning, 39.46 pts -- started by Dad
WR:Demaryius Thomas, 35.07 pts -- started by Jeff
RB:Branden Oliver, 31.93 pts -- on the wire
TE:Greg Olsen, 22.80 pts -- started by Dad
K:Stephen Gostkowski, 21.00 pts -- started by me
DEF:Philadelphia, 25.00 pts -- on the wire
D:Danny Lansanah, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Yeah, yeah, Peyton Manning, blah blah blah.

I’d usually have more to write about the top performers this week, but I used up all my a’s and n’s on Danny Lansanah up there, so …

“Comeuppance” edition
3rd place:Matt Flynn, -1.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Griff Whalen, -1.36 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Cincinnati, -5.00 pts -- started by me

Well, that’s what I get for making fun of all y’all starting the wrong defenses the last two weeks. Picking the Bengals over the Chargers cost me 26 pts this week, after the NFC North leaders decided to roll over an die for Tom Brady and his crew.

But, on the bright side, my name isn’t Griff Whalen.


I’m a week behind on this, but Natinals OF Bryce Harper was at it again last night, so…

In an interview with the Washington Post last week, Harper was asked why he can’t seem to keep his helmet on when he runs the basepaths. The answer is because he thinks his hair is too beautiful, but here’s what he said instead:

”Everybody always talks to me, you need to get a chin strap, or a littler helmet. I’ve tried a 7, I’ve tried a 7 1/8, I’ve tried a 7 3/4. I’ve tried every helmet in the league, I swear.”

I’ve got an idea -- Maybe try a smaller size instead of larger and larger ones? It’s hard for me to believe you don’t have an inflated head, but it’s worth a try.

All in all, you didn’t have a good weekend as an NFL QB. Your zero completions, zero TDs and zero INTs give you a QB rating of 39.6, far below what the top pro passers post every weekend. But fear not -- some multi-million NFL stars were even worse than you:

** Geno Smith -- Before being benched, the Jets signal caller threw for only 27 yards on 12 attempts and tossed one INT, giving him a QB rating of 7.6. When Mike Vick comes in, throws for 47 yards and is clearly the better choice at QB, you know you had an awful day.

** Anquan Boldin -- The 49ers wideout wiffed on his only pass attempt of the year, a trick play that fell incomplete during Sunday’s game. He actually had the same QB rating as you, 39.6, but he got paid a lot more for it.

** Matt Flynn -- The Green Bay backup was the lone black cloud in the Packer’s big win over Minnesota, throwing an INT an a mere 22 yards in five attempts. That’s a 30.8 QB rating, just a little below the 137.8 rating posted by starter Aaron Rodgers.

** Alex Henery -- OK, the former Eagles kicker didn’t throw any passes on Sunday. But going 0 for three in FGs is just like throwing the game, so I wanted to include him on the list.


Every week that I pull these anagrams together, I wonder how much you all believe these are forced missives or honest themes that expose the evil inside every Dallas player. What I don’t doubt is the amount the Cowboys’ team despises them for exposing their true nature. And this year, as I’ve looked over their new players’ names, the sinister nature of their denial has become more apparent than ever. Consider:

Dallas Cowboys rookie right guard Zack Edward Martin
** Anagrams lack truth. A wild raid, I yuk. Words be zero good.

That’s right -- the anagrams are becoming self aware. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

** Dad and I split the weekly picks, leaving him plus-one for the season so far.

True story -- I picked Chicago over Carolina and said, “I’m picking the Bears, because I know they’re better, but Chicago always finds a way to lose. And I don’t understand how, so I keep picking them.” After leading 21-7 early, Carolina clawed back. With four minutes left and the game tied, the Bears fumbled the ball and gave up the losing touchdown.

So, yeah.

** College football this week: The #2, #3, #4, #6 and #8 teams lost this weekend. But Ohio State still has no shot at the national championship, so who cares.

** Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you.

Week 5 standings

1 -- Tickle me Romo -- 707.50 pts
2 -- Blue Collar Killers -- 685.27 pts
3 -- Stewie Griffins Head -- 648.84 pts
4 -- Ouch My Zach Ertz -- 646.18 pts
5 -- Gettin' Chippy -- 636.12 pts
6 -- The Maltese Falcons -- 614.14 pts
7 -- Sheldon's Big Money -- 607.09 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs -- 603.15 pts
9 -- king hippo -- 576.30 pts
10 -- I Mildly Like WRs -- 567.92 pts
11 -- Car full of Clowneys -- 560.66 pts

Peyton Manning’s 500th career TD pass helped vault Dad up to the medals podium this week, but it wasn’t enough to change the gold and silver standings. Meanwhile, Sam crawled out of 10th for the first time in a while, and Mike is apparently still in the league.

Time is ticking, folks. Start picking up points.