Fantasy League 2014 -- week 1 recap

It’s only week 1 of the NFL season, and many couch potato fans are still in pre-season shape. But fear not -- no matter how bad you thought your start was, at least you outperformed several pro football stars this weekend. Consider:

-- If you managed not to fall backwards off your couch, you outrushed WR DeSean Jackson (-9 rushing yards on Sunday).
-- If you held onto your remote, you had a better TD/turnover ratio than QB Robert Griffin (zero TDs, one fumble lost on Sunday).
-- If you didn’t fall into your fridge when you got a snack, you had more success on returns than RB Dexter McCluster (-2 return yards on Sunday).
-- If your house didn’t fall into a sinkhole, then you picked up more ground than Division II College of Faith (-100 yards of offense against Tusculum College).
-- If you managed not to have a facial seizure, then you were less dopey than QB Eli Manning (100% dopey on Monday).

QB: Matt Ryan, 37.42 pts -- started by Jeff
WR: Calvin Johnson, 29.93 pts -- started by Jim
RB: LeVeon Bell, 29.27 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Julius Thomas, 31.93 pts -- started by me
K: Matt Bryant, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Houston, 31.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: Sio Moore, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Yeah, I have no idea what a Sio Moore is either.

I may pick up whatever defense is playing Washington each week -- they coughed up two red zone fumbles, allowed a blocked extra point and gave up a touchdown on a blocked punt. The other 31 teams combined only gave up four blocked kicks on the weekend.

“Starting off on the wrong foot” edition
3rd place: Donald Brown, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: New Orleans, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: New York Giants, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Only one week in and the Giants defense is already worth fewer fantasy points than you are. Gawd, I love the NFC East. And I haven’t even made fun of the Cowboys yet.

Before the season started ESPN radio personalities Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg made their picks for each of the division winners and the eventual Super Bowl champion (both picked Seattle or USC, I can’t remember which). Greenberg remarked that the league is so tough to predict this year that he couldn’t figure out which teams would be “the surprises” -- teams like the 2013 Texans (who finished 2-14 despite pre-season hype) and 2013 Chiefs (who finished 12-4 despite two wins the previous year).

Here’s the thing that Greenberg failed to grasp: That’s what the word “surprise” means. If you can predict it, it’s not a surprise. If you “could have seen that coming,” it’s not a surprise. If you hedge your bets and say the Bills are the worst team in football but they still could win the Super Bowl, it’s not a surprise if they win the Super Bowl.

Greenberg followed up that statement by asking other ESPN talking heads to identify their surprises for the season, so he’ll know when to be shocked.

The fall NFL apparel catalog came in the mail this week. Featured in the front of the mailer are “game jerseys” for all 32 NFL teams. Most of the picks are obvious (McCoy for the Eagles, Brady for the Patsies) but a few of the less star-studded teams are just sad. Here’s a look at the worst.

-- Jacksonville: Blake Bortles
** He could be a great QB one day, but he’s not even the starter right now. Who wants a benchwarmer jersey?
-- Oakland: Khalil Mack
** I had to look up who he was. Rookie linebacker. But I dare you to name another Oakland player.
-- Cleveland: Johnny Manziel
** See Blake Bortles
-- San Diego: Keenan Allen
** He’s a fine young wideout, but somewhere Phillip Rivers is pissed off.
-- Denver: Demaryius Thomas
** Let’s be honest -- he really overshadows their no-name QB.

It’s a new season, it’s a new infusion of talent, and there are new Dallas players with the same old evil, evil hearts. In the 27 years I’ve been anagramming Cowboys names (I was doing it mentally well before the blog) I’ve never stopped being surprised at the inherent evil in these guys. Consider their fourth-round pick this year:

New Dallas Linebacker Anthony Hitchens
** Wannabe clanks: “Honestly, I hate children.” ** 

What is it with these guys and hating/eating kids? Pure evil.


** Dad and I split the weekly picks, so at least I’m not behind to start the season. Honestly, this may be the best I’ve done in our head-to-head match-up in years.

** Well, Ohio State, it was a good season while it lasted.

** John Gruden referred to “the turkey hole” during a deep pass play in the Giants/Lions Monday night football game. I don’t know what that means, but I had nightmares.

** Another Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you.

Week 1 standings

1 -- Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome) -- 168.20 pts
2 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) --167.50 pts
3 -- Car full of Clowneys (Joel) --134.73 pts
4 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) --131.80 pts
5 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) --130.47 pts
6 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) --126.48 pts
7 -- Stewie Griffins Head (Dad) --124.00 pts
8 -- Sheldon's Big Money (Jim) --122.30 pts
9 -- Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike) -- 117.49 pts
10 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 109.92 pts
11 -- king hippo (Sam) --101.48 pts

The Eagles have been in sole possession of first place in their division for 36 weeks now, but Sam’s run atop the Awesome Cup standings falls one week short of that. The defending champ starts off the new season at the bottom of the pile, mostly because his QB was hurt and his coaching was awful.

And despite a Monday night surge from Jeff, the league’s three-time champion (and commissioner and commander-in-chief) sits on on top of the heap again. Told you Montee Ball and Marshawn Lynch were money.