Sheldon's Big Money (Jim)
Projected 11th place, 1998.72 pts
Jim took his disdain for traditional fantasy personnel to a new level this year, landing four potentially great WRs (Johnson, Cobb, Fitzgerald, Jackson) but only one starting RB (Bernard). Andrew Luck is the perfect QB for his squad, because that's what he'll need to win the league.
Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected 10th place, 2039.08 pts
Jeff's team might be OK, but I'll be rooting against it every Sunday. He boasts two Cowboys (Murray and Williams), two Giants (Jennings and Randle), and three guys with dumb names (Brandin Cooks, Demaryius Thomas and Keenan Allen). It's an anagrammer's dream, but it's ugly to look at.
King Hippo (Sam)
Projected 9th place, 2057.89 pts
The road to a repeat is going to be near impossible for Little Mac, who again will ride Cam Newton's cracked ribs to hopes of glory. But the RB corps of Gerhart/Tate/Rice/Ingram may have fewer rushing TDs than Newton alone, and I hate Vincent Jackson for reasons I don't remember anymore. But I hate him.
Show Me Your TDs (Ant)
Projected 8th place, 2082.82 pts
Anthony landed Adrian Peterson, but after that it's a collection of 2011 heroes and not 2014 guarantees. Gronkowski? Andre Johnson? Jones-Drew? DeAngelo Williams? On the plus side, he's got the 49ers starting defense, which still has a few players who haven't been suspended.
Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike)
Projected 7th place, 2108.78 pts
Brees, Forte and Alshon Jeffery could win this league on their own if we only started three players. But after that, Mike's roster drops off. He has two Lions RBs, the remains of Steven Jackson, Maclin's wonky legs and Jermichael Finley, who I thought retired three years ago.
Gettin' Chippy (Joanner)
Projected 6th place, 2144.27 pts
If Foles and Chip Kelly can build off last year's success, then Jo and her assistant coach (baby TBA) could have a huge year. But after Lacy, Bell and Juilo Jones, her backups get a little weak (again, unless Kelly turns Sproles into a superstar). And without Akers as a kicker, she already hates her team.
Car full of Clowneys (Joel)
Projected 5th place, 2314.66 pts
Now we're getting somewhere. Joel's squad looks solid -- Brady, Charles, Antonio Brown and the Seattle D -- and features trendy sleepers like Cordarrelle Patterson and DeAndre Hopkins. But he also has Tony Romo on his bench, and no team with Romo has ever won this league. Nor will they ever.
The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected 4th place, 2327.88 pts
The top pick in the draft produced solid results for the professor, and Rogers/McCoy looks like a killer 1-2 punch. Garcon and Clay look like great assets too, but beyond that his hands team comes up short. And I still don't believe Bishop Sankey is a real name. More likely, someone was playing NFL magnetic poetry again.
Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome)
Projected 3rd place, 2370.72 pts
You're all going to rue passing on Marshawn Lynch and Montee Ball by the end of the year. Roddy White and Torrey Smith give me a solid WR start too. But picking last left me with RG3 as my play caller, and that could hurt when his leg inevitably snaps in two early in the season.
I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected 2nd place, 2457.67 pts
Paul's squad looks loaded, and it's not just those beloved wideouts (Bryant/Green/Cruz). I'm a big fan of the Matthens/Gore RB combo, and Jay Cutler could end up being the steal of the year at QB. And he's even set for extra special teams points, with 77-year-old Adam Vinatieri at kicker.
Stewie Griffins Head (Pop)
Projected 1st place, 2457.68 pts
This could be the year that the old man finally teaches the younger crowd a lesson. He goes into the season with a Manning/Manning QB combo, Welker and Hilton at WR and Ellington and Morris at RB. Spiller is always a sneaky player, and Dwayne Bowe always seems to pick up extra points. Dad's only weak spot to start the season? His kicker got suspended for PEDs (not a joke). That has to be a bad omen.
OK, folks. Even though your futures are predestined, try to get your rosters set by opening night (which is Thursday, because the NFL hates you and doesn't want you to be able to watch football). Thanks to all for playing, and good luck to none of you.
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