We’re heading into the new year, but that doesn’t mean we have to bring all the baggage from the old year with us. Here are a few football-related things that can — nay, should — be left to the dustbin of history and forgotten in 2025:
** Prime time games for the Jets: They had six in 2024, tied for the most of any team. Maybe have one winning season before we force everyone to watch you again.
** The NFC South: Their division champion could have fewer than 10 wins for the third year in a row. I don’t ever want to hear another “NFC Least” joke when actual professional football teams there have a single down year.
** Trevor Lawrence: I understand that he was a great college QB. I just don’t think everyone else understands that he’s not a good pro QB. Their backup had as many wins as him this year.
** The new kickoff: It looks dumb. It’s not exciting. It ruined onside kicks. Either go back to the old system or just start every new drive on the 20.
** Kenny Pickett: No offense, friend. You did a fine job. But I’m also OK never seeing you on the field in an Eagles uniform again.
** Tom Brady commercials: I’ll concede he was one of the greatest QBs of all time. He is also incredibly boring as an actor or a pitchman. Stop trying to make him into a Kelce.
** More football: I’m actually OK with the amount of football in my life now. I don’t need 18 regular season games, or Tuesday games, or games broadcast only on TikTok, or games from Antarctica. I mean, maybe I’ll reconsider the last one, but the others are too much.
QB: Baker Mayfield, 44.56 pts — started by Jo
WR: Tee Higgins, 30.23 pts — started by Jo
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 26.23 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Trey McBride, 20.20 pts — started by Joel
K: Cameron Dicker, 17.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
DEF: Baltimore, 22.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: C.J. Gardner-Johnson, 11.50 pts — on the wire
One week after being the heel in a big Eagles loss to Maryland, CJGJ had two picks, a tackle and a TD against the Cowboys to help Philly secure the NFC East title for the year. Now don’t screw it up again next week, bud.
Poor Joe Burrow (42.98 pts) lost again, this time in the top performers list because of Mayfield’s five TD passes and 359 yds passing. Burrow is leading the league in TDs with 42, and he appears poised to grab the title of “best QB to miss the playoffs” for the second year in a row. He also had the most passing yds on the season and only has eight interceptions. But he also has the worst defense in football playing on the other side of the field.
Not sure what happened this week, but as a group we only owned six of the top 16 kickers on the week and only started five of them. On the plus side, Jake Elliot was fourth in scoring on the week, so good for him.
“Worst of the worst” edition1st place: (tie) New Jersey Jets, -6.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
1st place: (tie) New England, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Indianapolis, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Dallas, -6.00 pts — on the wire
That -6.00 mark is the worst any defense can get in a game: At least 34 pts allowed, no turnovers, no sacks, no signs of life. I can’t ever remember a time when we had even three teams hit the bottom of the scoring chart in the same week, and we bested that by one this weekend.
The Colts actually gave up the most points of the group (45 to the New Jersey Giants) and were the only team on this list favored to win, so that probably wins the title for worst defensive performance of the week. But don’t sleep on the Cowboys surrendering 35 points to a pair of backup Eagles QBs (the other six points came on an interception returned for a TD, so that doesn’t count against the Dallas D). And the Chargers had only scored above 27 one other time this year, so the Patriots giving up 40 to them on Sunday is pretty poor.
Can’t wait to see what these loser teams have in store for week 18.
** During the Pop Tarts Bowl on Saturday, Miami QB Cam Ward threw three TD passes, bringing him to 158 for his collegiate career, a new NCAA record.
Well, I mean, it’s a record if you include the 71 TDs he threw in his two years at Incarnate Word, an FCS school. So it’s a record for TD passes across multiple divisions.
Well, I mean, not all divisions. Tyson Bagent threw 159 TDs in Division II from 2018 to 2022. So Ward set a Division 1 record.
Well, I mean, it’s a Division 1 record if you acknowledge that Ward was granted a fifth year of eligibility to play at Miami this year. So it’s the most TD passes at the FCS and FBS level by a player that had an extra year of eligibility.
Other than that, though, it’s a solid collegiate record to celebrate.
** At halftime of the Chargers game, coach Jim Harbaugh was asked what his team needed to do to come out victorious on the day and punch his team’s ticket to the postseason:
“We just have to play good and win,” he said. “Give it everything we got and win.”
What insight. Sure enough, deciding to win was the key to the Chargers winning on the day. Why can’t more NFL coaches figure this out?
** Despite what many blogs reported, Dallas LB Micah Parsons did not say ““if you take away the scoreboard the game would have been close” after the Cowboys 41-7 loss to the Eagles.
What he did say was pretty dumb, however.
“They had two big runs and three good deep shots,” Parsons told reporters after the game. “Other than that, we made them earn it. You take away the scoreboard, it was about five plays that decided this game.”
Well, yes, if you take away the big scoring plays, most stats do look better. If you take away Saquon Barkley’s 13 TD runs this season, he doesn’t have any rushing TDs at all.
Speaking of Barkley, with the Eagles playoff seeding set already, the team has seemingly nothing to play for next week except for Barkley’s bid to break the single-season rushing record. However, he’s not the only Philly player who could set an individual achievement next week. Here’s a look at the other teammates looking to make history in the season finale:
Zach Baun — The lightly-heralded linebacker has 93 tackles on the season, just nine short of the team record set by Jeramiah Trotter Sr. If most of the defensive line takes the day off, a 10-tackle afternoon isn’t out of the question.
Jalen Hurts — It appears unlikely that Hurts will play next week, given his recovery from a concussion. But if he does get in the game, he only needs 1,143 yds passing in the finale to set the Eagles single-season passing record. Is that possible? Against the Giants, yes.
Johnny Wilson — The Eagles rookie wideout has been used sparingly this season, but may get a bigger chance to play with the backups this week. He’s a 6-foot-6 giant, but if he can add just three inches to his height in the pre-game, he’ll break former Eagles WR Harold Charmichael distinction of being the tallest wideout ever to play in the NFL, at 6-foot-8. Time for some stretching, Johnny.
Jake Elliot — It has been an up-and-down year for the Eagles kicker, but he can dramatically improve his career stats with a single play on Sunday. That’s because Elliot currently boasts a 0.00 career passer rating — one attempt, one interception. If he could surprise the Giants’ secondary with a short screen pass, it would bring that number all the way up into the low 20s. That’s bad, but better than zero.
Saquon Barkley — Why stop at the single-season rushing record? Barkley needs 4,790 yds for the Eagles career rushing record. If he carries the ball 59 times and averages 80 yards each time, that record is his too.
Whenever we get this late in the year, there are always a few anagrams I haven’t used yet for various reasons (most evil, Dallas reasons). In the interest of clearing out the notebook for next year, here’s what were left on the drawing board:
Cowboys WR Kelvin Harmon
** Slimy work, havoc born new
Solid anagram, but he has been on and off the practice squad. So, it felt like punching down a little. And by down, I meant towards hell, where all Dallas players are headed.
Dallas Left Tackle Tyler Guyton
** A flattened troll, tacky guy. Sell.
This one sat for most of the season. I think you get the message, but I feel like there’s more in there. The word “lousy” is right in there but hard to tease out.
RB Dalvin Cook
** Bravo, clod kin
Every week I waited for the former all-pro Cook to become a real player on this team so I could feature him. His season stats? Eight carries for 20 yds. Barely worth mentioning.
You may be asking “why waste all of these now?” The answer is simple: As long as the Cowboys continue to spread their evil around the country, there are always more anagrams to expose their sinister intentions. So I’m not worried about running out of ideas.
** I went 3-1 against Dad this week, pushing my lead in our weekly picks all the way up to eight games. That means if I can get just half of the contests right next week, I’m at least guaranteed a tie. Since I’ve been picking closer to 70 percent of games correctly, I like those odds.
** Dad did come out victorious in the Garrity family league again this year, with a championship performance that would have lost to five other teams in the league but, luckily for him, not the one he was playing (Jim’s team rolled over and died at the worst moment). I posted a 171-pts performance one week after it would have actually mattered, and dispatched the nephews and Beth in the third place game. And most importantly, the Cowboys-led team completed a perfect season, going 0-17 in head-to-head play.
** Most fantasy leagues finish their play in week 17 (because most are inferior to the Awesome Cup) so I’ve already landed two third-place finishes this season, with this league still pending. Combined with two third-place finishes last year, I’m like pre-Colts Tony Dungy: always fielding good teams, but can’t get them over the hump.
Week 17 standings
1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 2132.56 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 2097.82 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 2097.19 pts
4 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 2072.15 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1979.76 pts
6 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1937.28 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1936.45 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1935.42 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 1934.38 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1722.55 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1537.06 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1375.60 pts
It’s a Fort Awesome rock fight to the finish. Jonathan still holds the lead, but Joanna’s huge week (171.30 pts) and with my solid performance (137.42 pts) have left us both within 36 pts of catching the boy for the title next week. Mike sits 60 pts back, an unlikely but not impossible margin to make up. And after that, it’s a contest for pride.
Last year we had six teams top the 2,000-pts barrier for the season. This year, we could have as many as nine, although we’d need to see better performances by teams in the finale. Only five teams topped 100 pts, and Dad made it just barely (100.22 pts).
But this is it. We’re at the final week of the season, where champions are made. Will the boy be able to hold onto his title? Or will one of his parents beat him, likely about the head with a shoe? Can someone else pull off a miracle? There are two games on Saturday and 14 on Sunday to sort it all out. Get those rosters set, and let’s all finish strong.
Zach Baun — The lightly-heralded linebacker has 93 tackles on the season, just nine short of the team record set by Jeramiah Trotter Sr. If most of the defensive line takes the day off, a 10-tackle afternoon isn’t out of the question.
Jalen Hurts — It appears unlikely that Hurts will play next week, given his recovery from a concussion. But if he does get in the game, he only needs 1,143 yds passing in the finale to set the Eagles single-season passing record. Is that possible? Against the Giants, yes.
Johnny Wilson — The Eagles rookie wideout has been used sparingly this season, but may get a bigger chance to play with the backups this week. He’s a 6-foot-6 giant, but if he can add just three inches to his height in the pre-game, he’ll break former Eagles WR Harold Charmichael distinction of being the tallest wideout ever to play in the NFL, at 6-foot-8. Time for some stretching, Johnny.
Jake Elliot — It has been an up-and-down year for the Eagles kicker, but he can dramatically improve his career stats with a single play on Sunday. That’s because Elliot currently boasts a 0.00 career passer rating — one attempt, one interception. If he could surprise the Giants’ secondary with a short screen pass, it would bring that number all the way up into the low 20s. That’s bad, but better than zero.
Saquon Barkley — Why stop at the single-season rushing record? Barkley needs 4,790 yds for the Eagles career rushing record. If he carries the ball 59 times and averages 80 yards each time, that record is his too.
Whenever we get this late in the year, there are always a few anagrams I haven’t used yet for various reasons (most evil, Dallas reasons). In the interest of clearing out the notebook for next year, here’s what were left on the drawing board: Cowboys WR Kelvin Harmon
** Slimy work, havoc born new
Solid anagram, but he has been on and off the practice squad. So, it felt like punching down a little. And by down, I meant towards hell, where all Dallas players are headed.
Dallas Left Tackle Tyler Guyton
** A flattened troll, tacky guy. Sell.
This one sat for most of the season. I think you get the message, but I feel like there’s more in there. The word “lousy” is right in there but hard to tease out.
RB Dalvin Cook
** Bravo, clod kin
Every week I waited for the former all-pro Cook to become a real player on this team so I could feature him. His season stats? Eight carries for 20 yds. Barely worth mentioning.
You may be asking “why waste all of these now?” The answer is simple: As long as the Cowboys continue to spread their evil around the country, there are always more anagrams to expose their sinister intentions. So I’m not worried about running out of ideas.
** I went 3-1 against Dad this week, pushing my lead in our weekly picks all the way up to eight games. That means if I can get just half of the contests right next week, I’m at least guaranteed a tie. Since I’ve been picking closer to 70 percent of games correctly, I like those odds. ** Dad did come out victorious in the Garrity family league again this year, with a championship performance that would have lost to five other teams in the league but, luckily for him, not the one he was playing (Jim’s team rolled over and died at the worst moment). I posted a 171-pts performance one week after it would have actually mattered, and dispatched the nephews and Beth in the third place game. And most importantly, the Cowboys-led team completed a perfect season, going 0-17 in head-to-head play.
** Most fantasy leagues finish their play in week 17 (because most are inferior to the Awesome Cup) so I’ve already landed two third-place finishes this season, with this league still pending. Combined with two third-place finishes last year, I’m like pre-Colts Tony Dungy: always fielding good teams, but can’t get them over the hump.
Week 17 standings
1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 2132.56 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 2097.82 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 2097.19 pts
4 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 2072.15 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1979.76 pts
6 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1937.28 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1936.45 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1935.42 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 1934.38 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1722.55 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1537.06 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1375.60 pts
It’s a Fort Awesome rock fight to the finish. Jonathan still holds the lead, but Joanna’s huge week (171.30 pts) and with my solid performance (137.42 pts) have left us both within 36 pts of catching the boy for the title next week. Mike sits 60 pts back, an unlikely but not impossible margin to make up. And after that, it’s a contest for pride.
Last year we had six teams top the 2,000-pts barrier for the season. This year, we could have as many as nine, although we’d need to see better performances by teams in the finale. Only five teams topped 100 pts, and Dad made it just barely (100.22 pts).
But this is it. We’re at the final week of the season, where champions are made. Will the boy be able to hold onto his title? Or will one of his parents beat him, likely about the head with a shoe? Can someone else pull off a miracle? There are two games on Saturday and 14 on Sunday to sort it all out. Get those rosters set, and let’s all finish strong.
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