Given how the Eagles have looked over the last few weeks, you might as well keep this form handy, and circle the right answers to explain to friends and family what the latest problems are:
“It’s no surprise the Eagles got killed on Sunday. You do need to remember that __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** No one on the defense knows how to tackle
** Tom Brady’s stupid face was announcing the game
“The biggest worry is how awful Jalen Hurts has looked. Did you realize he has 27 turnovers since the start of last year? I think that’s because __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** Hurts forgot that other teams know how to tackle
** Tom Brady’s stupid voice distracted everyone, including feral dogs
“They can still rally to make the playoffs, but not if __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** Hurts doesn’t get back to form
** Tom Brady’s stupid comments get in the players ears and cause brain rot
“Thank gawd it’s the bye week. Maybe they can do something in the time off to address the issue that __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** Howie Roseman doesn’t know what a linebacker is
** Tom Brady stole the soul of several players at halftime last week
“Honestly, the way they’re playing, they couldn’t win even if they were led by __________.”
** Tom Brady’s stupid face
** Tom Brady’s stupid arm
** Tom Brady’s stupid butt
** Nick Foles
WR: Nico Collins, 22.07 pts — started by Ant
RB: Derrick Henry, 34.07 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Tucker Kraft, 12.53 pts — on the wire
K: Nick Folk, 24.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: San Francisco, 23.00 pts — on the wire
D: Troy Andersen, 13.50 pts — on the wire
Taysom Hill actually outscored Kraft, but since Hill is not a TE, he can’t make the top performers’ list there.
Ageless wonder Joe Flacco made his 2024 debut halfway through the Colts game Sunday after starter Anthony Richardson was knocked out with a hip injury. Here’s a list of players who scored fewer fantasy pts than the 39-year-old backup (a respectable 19.02 for the afternoon):
Trevor Lawrence (18.32 pts), Jalen Hurts (18.32 pts), Brock Purdy (16.62 pts), Patrick Mahomes (15.00 pts), Kyler Murray (11.98 pts), Aaron Rodgers (11.60 pts), Kirk Cousins (7.52 pts), Josh Allen (7.30 pts), Matthew Stafford (4.86 pts).
And of all the Pro-Bowl names on that list, the only QBs who won on Sunday were Mahomes, Purdy and Flacco. I dunno, maybe $8.7 million for the former Blue Hen was a better investment this year than $200 million for some of those other guys.
“Computer generated names” edition3rd place: Tyler Badie, -1.27 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Isaac Guerendo, -1.54 pts — on the wire
1st place: Steven Sims, -1.80 pts — on the wire
I for one am shocked that a guy named “Baddie” is not good at football.
The Maryland Commies are on a three-game winning streak and are averaging more than 30 points a game this season. That’s good, because despite leading the NFC East, they’ve got the second-worst fantasy defense in all of football. They’re allowing nearly 26 points per game and have totaled just 7.00 fantasy pts, 52 behind the top defense in the league (Minnesota). And they’re still clearly the best team in the division.
** On Monday, during his weekly press conference, Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni was asked whether it's time for the team to panic. His response:
"I think it's early. I think there's a lot of teams' stories unwritten. We need to figure out what we do well and try to continue to do that, see what we don't do well, try to get out of that, and mesh some things together."
Let me help you, Nick. Here are the things you do well:
— Turn the ball over
— Miss tackles
— Show up unprepared for games
Here’s what you don’t do well:
— Play football
Maybe try to work on that during the bye week.
** At the end of Michigan/Minnesota game, Fox sideline reporter Jenny Taft opened her interview with Wolverines coach Sherrone Moore with this question:
“I know the second half wasn’t up to your defensive standards, but what did you think of your team’s performance overall?”
And that’s a fair question … in a different game. The Wolverines led the Gophers 24-3 heading into the fourth quarter, then surrendered 21 points in the final 14 minutes and only held on for a 27-24 win because of a phantom penalty against Minnesota on an onsides kick recovery.
That’s not living up to any team’s defensive standards. OK, maybe the Eagles. But no reasonable team.
In honor of the baseball postseason starting, here’s a quick quiz to get you ready: Which of these are players who will appear on a MLB playoff roster this week, and which won’t?
Lucas Erceg
Real MLB player
Fraud
Fraud
Fraud
Fraud
Fraud
Fraud
Fraud
Fraud
Fraud
No surprise, those are all actual baseball players … except for Pitcher Taijuan Walker, who is a fraud and will not be on the Phillies postseason roster.
Oh, and DeMarvion Overshown plays for the Cowboys and is the subject of this week’s anagram.
The life of an NFL rookie can be difficult, with all the new faces, new expectations and new realities of professional sports life. Some franchises do a good job handling that change. And others, like the Cowboys, are content to let their new player suffer through growing pains so they can enjoy spreading misery. Think that’s an exaggeration? Just look at what the team’s third-round draft pick, DeMarvion Overshown, spells out now that he’s a member of the squad:
Dallas Cowboys rookie LB DeMarvion Overshown
** I sob all over, croak inward: Nobody shows me love
You’d almost feel bad for that heartbreak and isolation, if Overshown’s soul wasn’t already black from being drafted by the Cowboys.
** Another huge swing in the weekly picks with Dad. After I swept all three last week to go up by one, he swept all four this week to go up by three for the season so far. I’m the last person in the world to have any faith in the Browns. I will not be making that mistake again going forward. ** In case you missed Monday night’s good football game, Lions QB Jared Goff was a perfect 18-for-18 on the night and caught a TD pass on what multiple sports writers called “their own version of the Philly special.”
Except it wasn’t. It was a trick play where Goff handed off the ball to WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, who then circled around the side and threw a pass into the end zone. It wasn’t a direct snap to someone other than the QB. Only two players touched the ball, not three. There was not a reverse in the backfield. It wasn’t a fourth down.
Look, I love reliving the Eagles Super Bowl win as much as anyone, but not every single trick play is “a version of the Philly Special.” A fake field goal is not the Philly Special. An end-around is not the Philly Special. Throwing a cheesesteak into a defender’s face is a Philly special, but that’s a whole different thing.
** Playoff baseball starts Saturday. You can ignore everything else up until then.
Week 4 standings 1 — Jabronis (Ant), 493.47 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 475.46 pts
3 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 468.28 pts
4 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 466.14 pts
5 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 464.60 pts
6 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 457.45 pts
7 — Kodos for President (Jo), 455.28 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 442.15 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 441.91 pts
10 — Dawk’s Greatest Hits.AllofThem (Paul), 373.33 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 360.67 pts
12 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 355.24 pts
Four weeks in and four different leaders stop the standings. Ant and Jeff switched places this week, with Bob and Mom D keeping pace. I topped 100 pts this week and fell three spots, because all but two teams reached the century mark. Jonathan led the pack with 133.09 pts, and gets to take the title of Fort Awesome leader for the week, but just barely.
The bottom of the standings saw a shakeup too, with Paul leaping out of last and leaving Sam and Joel in his wake. That trio all has some work to do to catch up to the rest of the pack, but we again have spots one through nine separated by a mere 52 pts, a margin that could be made up in a single week.
It gets harder to post those big scores starting next week, however. Bye weeks are upon us, with the Eagles, Lions, Chargers and Titans all getting time off. And of course there’s still a Thursday game and Monday game and maybe a Saturday midnight game. Check those rosters early and often.
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