However, if you just can’t avoid spoilers, here’s how the fight for the trophy will play out:
Jabronis (Ant)
The Fightin Pickles (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 1802.68 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
Like Ant, Sam’s team is devoid of anyone to carry the ball. He’s only got three on his whole roster, and one (RB Ty Chandler) is a backup in Minnesota. You’d think that means he has a killer passing game, but you’d be more wrong than Cris Collinsworth trying to break down an end-around play. WR Justin Jefferson should be solid, and the combination of QB Kyler Murray and rookie WR Marvin Harrison Jr. could surprise. But contract holdout WR Brandon Aiyuk? Average wideouts Michael Pittman Jr., Tyler Lockett, Jakobi Meyers backing them up? There’s a lot of meh here.
Beer ‘n Chips (Pop)
Yahoo ranking: 1961.49 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
Yahoo loves it when teams draft a QB in the first round. Loves it, loves it, loves it. Loves it like Jerry Jones loves kicking puppies. The problem is, it’s an OK strategy at the end of the first round, but a terrible strategy when you have an early pick. With the number two pick in the draft Dad grabbed the likely fantasy leader at QB this season, Josh Allen … who would have absolutely been available to him in the third round. No one else picked up a passer in the first 28 picks. As a result, he passed on all 10 of the top ranked RBs and all 11 of the top ranked WRs. In the end, his roster has decent RB depth (Josh Jacobs, Rachaad White and Kenneth Walker) but nothing in terms of WRs (his top pass catcher was WR Jayden Reed, the 35th wideout off the board). It’s a good thing Allen has people to pass to in real life, because there’s no wide receiving corps here.
Let’s Go Union! (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 1817.21 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
Hey, I found a trade partner for Dad. Paul’s team used to be named “I heart WRs” and this team shows that sentiment still lives on. Beyond evil Dallas WR CeeDee Lamb, Paul’s squad boasts Davante Adams, Chris Olave, Amari Cooper and Christian Watson as pass catching threats. RBs? Not so much. Reliable bulldozing RB Najee Harris is OK, but there are only two other backs here, and neither are starters. And putting QBs Jordan Love and Aaron Rodgers on the same roster seems dangerous, given the animosity between the two. Paul is gonna have to be a patient coach with this group.
Kodos for President (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1842.91 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1999.96 pts, 8th place
This has the makings of a good fantasy team. WRs AJ Brown, Jalen Waddle, and Rashee Rice could all eat up yards this season, and Detroit RB Jahmyr Gibbs might be the breakout back of the season. QB Jayden Daniels seems poised to win offensive rookie of the year. And TE Sam LaPorta is already a points champion at a dead position. So why such a low ranking here? Simple: There’s a major coaching problem. Jo hates the Commanders, and has to rely on three of them — Daniels, RB Brian Robinson Jr. and RB Austin Ekeler — to produce for her to win. Jo absolutely will not be able to encourage any of them, or possibly even watch them play. She also will probably want to cut Rice once she finds out about his offseason antics. So much of fantasy football success comes down to solid, encouraging coach work, and I expect a lot of Bill Cower glowers during these team meetings.
All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 1935.26 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2001.77 pts, 7th place
Yahoo see’s Joel’s team as an worst-to-almost-first story, mostly because he nabbed RB Christian McCaffery with the top overall pick. And his supporting cast is solid too: QB Anthony Richardson, WR Mike Evans, TE Trey McBride and RB Travis Etienne Jr. as a second rusher. But can Joel pull it all together? He has done it before, but that was way back in 2016, the weirdest year ever. Back he was starting RBs David Johnson and DeMarco Murray, the Cubs and Cavaliers were World Champions, and Donald Trump won the presidency. Now Chicago and Cleveland are far from playoff glory, Johnson and Murray are long gone from the field, and Trump … eh, you know what? Let’s just move on.
No One Likes Us We Don’t Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 1869.61 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2095.45 pts, 6th place
This is a high-risk, high-reward squad. QB Patrick Mahomes is no concern, but RBs Bijan Robinson and De'Von Achane could either lead the league in yards from scrimmage or both bomb out in the first few weeks. The biggest problem with Bob’s team is his wideouts. His best pass catcher is TE Dallas Goedert, and he’s wildly overrated (and possibly dead in Brazil, according to the latest injury report). WR Tank Dell is the #3 option on his own team, wideouts Christian Kirk and Chris Godwin are both coming off being dead last season. The doctor’s roster does include RB Chuba Hubbard, one of the most fun names to say in the NFL, but we’re not here for fun. We’re here for winning.
Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1844.28 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2095.47 pts, 5th place
I feel like Jeff — and almost every team in our league — is one more good receiver away from a great team. WR Cooper Kupp should have a solid bounceback season. But can WRs Malik Nabers, Terry McLaurin and Diontae Johnson combine into some sort of Voltron second fantasy option for this team? How would that even work? Well, first you’d take McLaurin’s head and fold his torso into the younger Nabers’ legs, while you … anyways, RBs Breece Hall and Isiah Pacheco are probably going to be two of your top three fantasy backs on the season, so as long as QB Joe Burrow shows some signs of life, this group should succeed.
Still the Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 1908.33 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
Is he still the best? Our 2023 Awesome Cup champion has a great starting lineup — QB Lamar Jackson, WRs Amon-Ra St. Brown and Puka Nacua, TE Travis Kelce — but is thin at RB (James Conner and D'Andre Swift, then some folks far down the depth chart). Last year he relied on McCaffrey and Etienne to carry him through the down weeks. This year, he’s gonna have to hope for a lot of TD passes from Jackson to WR Zay Flowers to collect double points and propel him up the standings. We haven't had a defending champion since 2015, and this campaign is gonna be a tough one for our youngest coach, since everyone is gunning for him.
Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 1911.43 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 3rd place
This is how you pull off the early QB draft pick. I snagged a top five RB (Saquon Barkley) and a top five WR (Garrett Wilson) before drafting a top three QB (Jalen Hurts) for my well-balanced squad. Throw in three more starting RBs (Aaron Jones, Tony Pollard and Gus Edwards) and the sleeper pick for TE of the year (Dalton Kincaid) and I’ve got the makings of a championship-level group. Do I have too many Eagles (three)? Yes. Do I have too many rookies (three)? Yes. Do I have Kirk Cousins on my bench, playing for his third team? Yes. Is that a lot of threes? No, it seems like the right amount for the third-place team.
DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 1847.14 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2244.32 pts, 2nd place
Mom D missed repeating as champion last year by a slim margin, but is back again in 2024 with another sturdy roster to try and reclaim glory. She’s got two great RBs (Jonathan Taylor and Derrick Henry) paired with two great WRs (DJ Moore and DK Metcalf) paired with an underrated TE (Evan Engram) and the underrated leg of K Jake Elliot. Her team’s only weakness? QB Brock Purdy is fine but massively overrated, and backup QB Deshaun Watson is actually worth negative points. Still, with a few tweaks, don’t be surprised if she’s back near the top again. Just not all the way at the top, because that spot is reserved for …
Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 1911.70 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2317 pts, 1st place
Mike has won the league since 2020 (or even paid attention to his roster in the last three years) but this year’s squad could change all of that recent disappointment. WR Ja’Marr Chase should be great (if he plays … just give him a new contract already, Mike) and WR Deebo Samuel has been a league winner for several years now. RBs Kyren Williams, Joe Mixon and Raheem Mostert are an underappreciated trio, and TE Kyle Pitts may finally reach his potential in a new Falcons offense. Former Buckeye QB CJ Stroud is a stud, and might pass for 7,000 yards this year (which, in fairness, would hurt Mixon’s rushing yards). Like Bob’s team, this all could flame out quickly or turn into an unstoppable force. But unlike Bob, Mike has the championship credentials to inspire his team to greatness, and return to the Awesome Cup summit again.
There you have it, folks. The season is already over, but get those rosters set before Thursday’s game … and Friday’s game, and maybe Saturday morning’s game? I have no idea anymore. It’s all NFL all the time, whether you want it or not. Let’s go.
Oh, in case you forgot, here's what you're all playing for:
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