Fantasy league 2020 -- final season recap

We did it, folks. Thanks to all our precautions and social distancing, we managed to make it through an entire fantasy football season without any coronavirus cases in our league.

(double checks the league medical reports)

Or not. But, in the words of Roger Goodell, there were still plenty of games, and making money for the NFL is all that matters, player health be damned. So let’s review how our teams did before we unveil the trophy everyone has been waiting for:

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2012.14 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2223.22 pts, 2nd place
Actual ranking: 1458.92 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars

Buckle up, kids, because my predictions were a roller coaster this year. I’m not sure what I saw in Joel’s team, but it disappeared almost instantly. Injuries killed the squad: RB Saquon Barkley, RB Austin Eckler, and QB Drew Brees all spent long stretches on the disabled list. Not replacing them with competent players until far too late didn’t help. But the worst move for Joel may have been trusting K Jake Elliott all season, even when it became obvious that Eagles Coach Doug Pederson would rather lose every game than even attempt field goals. Stubborn coaching in the face of stubborn coaching just doesn’t work.

Soccer Orphans (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2097.35 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 1803.00 pts, 9th place
Actual ranking: 1630.73 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans

Like the Texans, Paul’s team looked good on paper. But zeroed in on the root of his team’s problems when I reviewed my pre-season predictions:

“QB Carson Wentz is, of course, a natural winner.”

Wentz was so awful this year there was no way to escape his fantasy black hole. RB Derrick Henry rushed for 2,000 yds. The Colts defense was great. WR Tyler Lockett put up another solid season. And none of it mattered, because Wentz tanked every team he was on, including Paul’s. I finished in 11th out of 12 teams in one of my other leagues, and guess who my QB was? That’s right it was Wentz. And Joe Burrow. And Taysom Hill. And I think Hurts for a game or two? Having Wentz as a centerpiece this year was the same as throwing your entire team in the garbage disposal and hoping it would somehow turn into dinner.

Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad) 

Yahoo ranking: 2277.76 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 2013.13 pts, 5th place
Actual ranking: 1841.42 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Jets

This is the second consecutive year that Yahoo picked Dad as the best team post-draft. And this is the second consecutive year that Yahoo was wrong. Dad’s team (whose name translates in Polish to “never believe Yahoo rankings”) had WR Stefon Diggs and QB Lamar Jackson — two players who led me to a championship in my other fantasy league, I might add — but not much else. His gamble on TE Dallas Goedert never paid off. RBs Joe Mixon, Todd Gurley and Cam Akers ran aground (I had Mixon on my championship team too, just saying, some of us can coach around problems). What his team really lacked in the end was heart. And leadership. And total points, which is really the most important thing.

The Mom Football Tm (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 2086.25 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2101.10 pts, 4th place
Actual ranking: 1951.65 pts, 8th place
NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons

Both the Falcons and Mom were let down by QB Matt Ryan this year, who was as streaky as paint left to dry in sub-30 degree temperatures (did you know paint won’t dry in weather that cold? I do now!) Like everyone else in the bottom half here, Mom had too much faith in Eagles: RB Miles Sanders was palatable on the rare occasions when he was healthy, WR DeSean Jackson was hurt exactly as much as we thought he would be. WR Juju Smith-Schuster put up some solid numbers in the second half of the year … after she cut him from the team. She also started two Lions in the final week of the season, and everybody knows that just won’t work, because there is no winning football in Detroit, ever.

The Slaymakers (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 1987.36 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1707.45 pts, 10th place
Actual ranking: 1963.18 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers

There were a few moments this season where it looked like the Panthers could be a relevant team. And there were a few moments where Ant’s team looked good too. And then reality set it. WRs Julion Jones and AJ Green were both largely busts. Rookie RBs Clyde Edwards-Helaire and Jonathan Taylor showed flashes of brilliance but not enough actual production. QB Russell Wilson was unstoppable for the first half of the year and unwatchable for the second. But the biggest stunner of all was that Ant kept a Cowboy on his roster for the entire year. Does he owe money to WR Michael Gallup or something? At least lose with dignity, man.

Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2003.17 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1835.50 pts, 9th place
Actual ranking: 2019.98 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots

Our reigning Awesome Cup champion fell back to the middle of the pack this year, mostly due to mediocre RB performances. Ezekiel Elliott, Kareen Hunt and James Conner were the rushing equivalent of pandemic vacations this season: Sure, they are nice to have, but they aren’t really taking you anywhere. QB Josh Allen single-handedly saved this team from the bottom half of the standings. And Panthers WR DJ Moore made sure they didn’t move up any higher than the middle of the pack. Sam will have to wait until next season to reclaim his title. And by then, who knows if we’ll have to be watching football with masks over our eyes to avoid the next plague.

Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2068.57 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2198.01 pts, 3rd place
Actual ranking: 2021.44 pts, 5th place 

NFL equivalent: New Orleans Saints

Bob was close this year, folks. Like, “not properly socially distanced” from the top spot. QB Patrick Mahomes and WR Tyreek Hill had him cooking all year, and his makeshift running back corps of James Robinson, Adrian Peterson and Devin Singletary almost came through. Bob even ran a two-TE set in the final week of the season, rolling Rob Gronkowski and Mark Andrews out there together. It didn’t work, but you have to admire his tenacity. If not for his ever rotating problem with defenses — Bob had at least one of his defenses worth zero or fewer pts each of the last five weeks of the season — he may have been able to sneak up onto the medal podium. He still walks away with the trophy for best team name (please note, there is still not a trophy for this).

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 2142.40 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 1696.69 pts, 11th place
Actual ranking: 2071.69 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills

Like the Bills, Jeff was the team that everyone predicted would be really good but I just didn’t believe it. But QB Kyler Murray was a fantasy stud all year, the Baltimore Defense pulled in plenty of points, WRs CeeDee Lamb and Keenan Allen did enough to keep Jeff near the top. Imagine if he hadn’t taken RB Christian McCaffery with the top pick, only to see him get hurt early in the season. Imagine if he had remembered to set his roster, and not taken a zero in 10 different player spots over the last four weeks of the season. As the great philosopher Keanu Reeves once said, “One of the most important things in life is showing up, and I can’t believe I showed up to star in the movie ‘Hardball.’” That’s a life lesson we can all treasure.

5th Grade Math (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1948.99 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1888.23 pts, 6th place
Actual ranking: 2139.19 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers

A last-week blitz of points gives Joanna’s team the league bronze medal for a record fourth time. She also has a silver medal to go with that and three more fourth-place finishes, but remains our league’s Andy Reid: the most accomplished coach never to get a title. Still, there’s plenty to like about her performance this year. Picking RB Alvin Kamara over Saquon Barkley? Genius move. Snagging QB DeShaun Watson in the 7th round and taking his league-leading 4,823 passing yds? Great. Grabbing the top fantasy defense (Pittsburgh) in a year where defenses were routinely let-downs? Solid. Investing heavily in TE Zach Ertz? Hey, you can’t win them all. But she won enough to look down over her mask at most of the rest of you and admire the view from the podium.

The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 1965.48 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1887.23 pts, 7th place
Actual ranking: 2196.89 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles, not this year’s garbage birds team

I now have the league lead in first-place (four) and second-place finishes (five), and have finished in the top three spots each of the last four years. But, like memories of what the Eagles were just a few years ago, reflecting on all of this is bittersweet. One more good week or one more misstep from our league leader and I’d be crowing about another title, even with a team I labeled as garbage from draft day on. My first round pick (WR Michael Thomas) was a dud. Yahoo forced two TEs and two kickers onto my team, which should have ruined me completely. I even had WR Jalen Reagor briefly on my team, and we’ve proven this year that you can’t win with any Eagles right now. And yet, thanks to genius coaching (MVP QB Aaron Rodgers as the 9th QB picked, folks) here I stand, just 50.5 pts out of first, wondering if one more move may have gotten me there (please note, I made 36 moves, most in the league, so it’s hard to imagine hitting the waiver wire more). There’s always next season, but to be this close to the trophy (but still six feet away, wearing a mask) is difficult.

That also means that, if I didn’t win, our champion is …

Bird Immunity (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2109.32 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2299.97 pts, 1st place
Actual ranking: 2247.38 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs

Told you. I didn’t get many predictions right, but I nailed this one. Take that, Yahoo.

Our league now has its second three-time champion, with Mike returning to the top spot for the first time since 2008. He was also the inaugural winner of the Awesome Cup, and he pulls himself out of a tie with repeat champions Dad, Anthony and Sam to become the second-winningest coach of all time (behind my four league titles, of course, in case you missed that part in the last section).

Mike’s performance this year was laudable: When QB Dak Prescott went down (after handing him a ton of early points), Mike quickly shifted to backup plans Tom Brady and Ryan Tannehill, switching between them almost perfectly on a weekly basis. TE Darren Waller was a monster. RBs Chris Carson and Josh Jacobs were solid all year, and RB Nick Chubb came back at mid-season to boost the team’s bottom line. WRs AJ Brown, Robert Woods and Robby Anderson all threw in big numbers. I might have been able to catch him if the season was two weeks longer (and it almost was, thanks to postponed games) but in the end, Mike’s coaching savvy earns him another spot on the trophy.

That’s it folks. Thanks again for hanging in there through the pandemic nonsense and truly awful, awful football this season to keep playing. We’ll be back again at it late next summer, when hopefully we’ll be able to take off our masks and get together for indoor parties as we try and avoid the ramping hordes of murder hornets that have taken over the hemisphere. Until then, stay safe out there.