Let’s step back a few years here. In 2017, Wentz was the rightful but unrecognized league MVP, but he watched on the sidelines as Nick Foles led the Eagles to their first Super Bowl victory. The next year, Wentz gets hurt again, and Foles again leads a modest playoff run. Foles is a Philly hero, but he leaves in free agency. Wentz is left to overcome his shadow.
So, in 2019, passes for 4,000-plus yds without any real receivers. He wills the team to the postseason. And then, in his first playoff game, in front of the Philadelphia faithful, he gets a concussion.
What happened after that? Another offseason of questions. A non-existent pre-season where he was left with his own thoughts. And, I would suggest, an undiagnosed medical condition that no one will talk about that is the source of all his turnovers.
Foles is still discussed around here as a champion. Wentz wants to be that. What was Foles’ nickname in Philly? (No, not that one, the other one). That’s right, it was St. Nick.
When did Wentz sustain his concussion? It was Jan. 5, also known as the 12th day of Christmas.
What did Wentz see when he got hit? A giant sea of green and white-clad supporters all around him.
What did Wentz hear when he got hit? Booing. Lots of booing. The Eagles fans were booing Seahawks DE Jadaveon Clowney for his illegal hit, of course, but who do they usually boo around that time of year? Maybe a different guy who wears a red and white suit?
Folks, that was no normal concussion. That head injury led Wentz to believe that he is no longer the quarterback of the Eagles. His job is not to play football. Instead, his brain was so rattled that Wentz now is firmly convinced that he wants to be, or is in fact, the scion of Christmas itself, Santa Claus.
Sounds insane, I know. But if Wentz were to believe he is supposed to be Santa Claus, what would he do? He would give away presents. Lots of them. Like, two or three completely inexplicable turnovers every game. Inexplicable, that is, unless they’re intentional. Unless he means to do it. Unless they are gifts.
And what happens when he gives the ball away? More boos from the stands, which confirms his assumption that he is Santa Claus.
Folks, there is only one way to fix this: Someone has to volunteer to break the news to Wentz that Santa Claus isn’t real. I know, it’s tough to tell a young guy full of hope and excitement that the big guy at the North Pole is just a fairy tale, but it’s time. He needs to hear it.
And maybe, someday, he can appreciate the joy of Christmas without, you know, ruining every Sunday for the rest of us.
WR: Tyreek Hill, 24.83 pts — started by Bob
RB: Dalvin Cook, 36.90 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Travis Kelce, 15.60 — started by Jeff
K: Tyler Bass, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New Orleans, 19.00 pts — on Paul’s bench
D: A.J. Klein, 11.00 pts — on the wire
You knew Cook couldn’t repeat his four-TD performance from last week, and he didn’t: He only rushed for two TDs and 206 yds in Sunday’s Vikings win. What a letdown.
In case you’re wondering if the NFL is a passing league now, Cook was the only player this week to rush for more than 100 yds. On the other hand, 15 wideouts topped 100 yds this week, and 11 QBs passed for more than 300 yds.
Also in positive news, Wentz had no turnover this week, the first time since the start of the season.
“Defenses we own” edition3rd place: (tie) LA Chargers, 0.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
3rd place: (tie) Arizona, 0.00 pts — started by me
2nd place: (tie) Kansas City, -1.00 pts — started by Dad
2nd place: (tie) Tampa Bay, -1.00 pts — started by Sam
1st place: San Francisco, -2.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
Just missing the cut was Mom D, who started the Seattle defense and got one point out of them. Pretty poor showing all around this week.
On the offensive side, New Jersey Giants QB Daniel Jones passed for 212 yds and a TD in his team’s victory over the Maryland Nameless Team. That makes Jones 4-0 in his young NFL career against that division rival … and 1-17 against every other team he has played. Not sure who that’s more embarrassing for.
(Yeah, I know, it’s the Maryland team).
** After the Ravens started playing better in the third quarter of their game against the Colts, Baltimore play-by-play announcer Gerry Sandusky said the game was “really a tale of two stories.” I assume he meant halves, but it’s a pretty common phrase, man.** As the Steelers trailed the Cowboys in the first half of that game, CBS color commentator Tony Romo said that Pittsburg was suffering “just from some huge little mental mistakes.” I assume he meant either huge or little, unclear which one.
** After New Orleans QB Drew Brees tossed a short inside pass to WR Michael Thomas, NBC color commentator Cris Collinsworth said that “that combination has been so effective lately for the Saints.” Since this was Thomas’ first game since being injured in week 1, I assume that he meant … actually, I have no idea what he meant. Unless by “lately” he meant “a full year ago.”
The careers of Coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady are forever intertwined, so that’s why it was fitting that both suffered embarrassment this weekend on the football field. But which Hall of Fame cheater had the worse fate? Consider:
** Brady’s Bucs lost by 35 points to their division rival, the Saints.
** Belichick’s Patriots barely beat the 0-8 Jets.
** Brady was downright awful in the game, turning the ball over three times and passing for only 209 yds.
** Belichick’s Patriots almost lost to the 0-8 Jets.
** Brady entered the night leading Brees by one in the career passing TD mark. He left the game down three.
** Belichick’s Patriots needed a last-second field goal to beat to the 0-8 Jets.
** Brady’s loss dropped the Bucs out of first place and gave New Orleans the head-to-head tiebreaker in the standings.
** Belichick’s win means the Patriots didn’t lose to the Jets, but it also shouldn’t actually count as a win.
Close call, but I think Brady wins/loses this battle. Still, you know, the Jets.
Another week, another new face behind center at the Cowboys game this week. This time it was Garrett Gilbert, who was signed off the Browns practice squad less than a month ago. He’s the fourth quarterback to start for the team in their last four games, and he fit in perfectly. No, not because he lost. Because of what his name spelled out:
Another Dallas backup QB Garrett Gilbert
** Bitter garbage quitter: ball drops, clank, ha!
Here’s hoping next week’s starting QB has fewer Gs in his name, they’re problematic to anagram.
** Arizona’s 49-yard, game-tying FG attempt came up one yard short on Sunday, so I split my two games with Dad, leaving me up six in our weekly picks contest. I’ll take that after nine weeks, although I’m worried the missed extra point is gonna come back to haunt me.
** One of the most insane stats ever: Through three games, Ohio State QB Justin Fields has 11 TD passes … and 11 incompletions. He’s as likely to throw a touchdown as he is to miss his receiver. And as someone who has watched large swaths of those games, at least two of the incompletions were the fault of the receiver.
Meanwhile, Penn State is 0-3. Just saying.
** Brady’s Bucs lost by 35 points to their division rival, the Saints.
** Belichick’s Patriots barely beat the 0-8 Jets.
** Brady was downright awful in the game, turning the ball over three times and passing for only 209 yds.
** Belichick’s Patriots almost lost to the 0-8 Jets.
** Brady entered the night leading Brees by one in the career passing TD mark. He left the game down three.
** Belichick’s Patriots needed a last-second field goal to beat to the 0-8 Jets.
** Brady’s loss dropped the Bucs out of first place and gave New Orleans the head-to-head tiebreaker in the standings.
** Belichick’s win means the Patriots didn’t lose to the Jets, but it also shouldn’t actually count as a win.
Close call, but I think Brady wins/loses this battle. Still, you know, the Jets.
Another week, another new face behind center at the Cowboys game this week. This time it was Garrett Gilbert, who was signed off the Browns practice squad less than a month ago. He’s the fourth quarterback to start for the team in their last four games, and he fit in perfectly. No, not because he lost. Because of what his name spelled out: Another Dallas backup QB Garrett Gilbert
** Bitter garbage quitter: ball drops, clank, ha!
Here’s hoping next week’s starting QB has fewer Gs in his name, they’re problematic to anagram.
** Arizona’s 49-yard, game-tying FG attempt came up one yard short on Sunday, so I split my two games with Dad, leaving me up six in our weekly picks contest. I’ll take that after nine weeks, although I’m worried the missed extra point is gonna come back to haunt me.** One of the most insane stats ever: Through three games, Ohio State QB Justin Fields has 11 TD passes … and 11 incompletions. He’s as likely to throw a touchdown as he is to miss his receiver. And as someone who has watched large swaths of those games, at least two of the incompletions were the fault of the receiver.
Meanwhile, Penn State is 0-3. Just saying.
** The Philadelphia Union won an athletic supporter shield or something this week and I'm going to be very excited about it as soon as I can figure out what it is exactly.
** Seriously, though, Wentz may think he is Santa Claus. It makes as much sense as half of those picks he has thrown.
Week 9 standings
1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1189.35 pts
2 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1147.29 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1140.62 pts
4 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome) 1124.73 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1095.25 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1089.22 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1057.35 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1046.03 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 952.76 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 924.85 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 702.82 pts
AND WE HAVE A NEW LEADER! A huge week from Jeff — 183.83 pts, best weekly total of any team so far this year — vaults him from 50 pts out of first last week to 42 pts ahead in first this week. Big weeks by Bob and I help us gain ground on a suddenly faltering squad led by Mike. And a big jump by Mom D puts her just outside the championship conversation for now.
On the other end of the spectrum, five teams failed to break 100 pts this week. I’m not going to name names (Jo, Mike, Dad, Joel, Paul) but it may be time for some front-office shake ups there.
The Thursday night game features the Colts at the Titans, which could decide the winner of the AFC South. Or it could get cancelled because of covid. Drama either way. Get your rosters ready.
** Seriously, though, Wentz may think he is Santa Claus. It makes as much sense as half of those picks he has thrown.
Week 9 standings 1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1189.35 pts
2 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1147.29 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1140.62 pts
4 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome) 1124.73 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1095.25 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1089.22 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1057.35 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1046.03 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 952.76 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 924.85 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 702.82 pts
AND WE HAVE A NEW LEADER! A huge week from Jeff — 183.83 pts, best weekly total of any team so far this year — vaults him from 50 pts out of first last week to 42 pts ahead in first this week. Big weeks by Bob and I help us gain ground on a suddenly faltering squad led by Mike. And a big jump by Mom D puts her just outside the championship conversation for now.
On the other end of the spectrum, five teams failed to break 100 pts this week. I’m not going to name names (Jo, Mike, Dad, Joel, Paul) but it may be time for some front-office shake ups there.
The Thursday night game features the Colts at the Titans, which could decide the winner of the AFC South. Or it could get cancelled because of covid. Drama either way. Get your rosters ready.
2 comments:
Merry effin Christmas, Mr. Wentz.
I am in 9th place because I want to give everyone else false hope. I will swoop in for a last second field goal and win the Awesome Cup in week 17.
Dad Shane
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