Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bobert)
Projected finish: 2nd place, 2417.99 ptsActual finish: 12th place, 1594.39 pts
NFL equivalent: Chicago Bears
In my other league, the team that landed WR Antonio Brown, RB LeSean McCoy and the Denver defense finished in first place. In this league, it finished last. Some may say that’s a sign of bad coaching, akin to the Bears wasting some decent talent en route to a last-place finish. I’ll just repeat what I said in the season preview: “Eli Manning as QB should be enough to hold back this team.”
Yelp for help (Mom Doyle)
Projected finish: 6th place, 2107.00 ptsActual finish: 11th place, 1733.01 pts
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
This team may be the worst collection of parts I’ve ever seen thrown together in a fantasy contest. RB Adrian Peterson decided to kill his fantasy owners again this year, QB Russell Wilson won each week without accumulating any significant fantasy points, and the receiving corps of Joneses, Parkers and Browns was as boring as their names suggested. The fact that Mom pulled this team out of last place is a tribute to her dedication and coaching skills.
May Pay Attention (Paul)
Projected finish: 11th place, 1905.69 ptsActual finish: 10th place, 1774.27pts
NFL equivalent: Minnesota Vikings
Paul paid attention this year! … for a few weeks, and then he drifted off again. Like the Vikings’ 5-0 start, that’s all forgotten now. He started a WR on injured reserve the last five weeks of the season (a bold move which netted him zero pts) and didn’t appear to update his roster after mid-November at all. As noted NFL star Woody Allen once misquoted, 80 percent of success is just showing up.
Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim)
Projected finish: 9th place, 2001.00 ptsActual finish: 9th place, 1778.08 pts
NFL equivalent: Cincinnati Bengals
Boom, dead on in my prediction. Where did it go wrong for our favorite Steelers fan? Was it his decision to bank on the Baltimore defense? Was it his reliance on noted AFC North irritant LB Vontaze Burfict? Was it the fact that RB Todd Gurley and QB Blake Bortles just stunk this year? Or was it cosmic payback for prematurely taunting the president-elect? We may never know.
Who’s on First? (Dad)
Projected finish: 1st place, 2418.01 ptsActual finish: 8th place, 1838.82 pts
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers
A huge, huge fall for the reigning champ, who gives up his two-year perch atop the league in exchange for a view from the very cheap seats. Dad’s bold trade to snag one of his beloved New York players (loudmouth egotist WR Odell Beckham) didn’t pan out as he hoped, and his adoration for the New York Jets defense let to far fewer points than if he had some faith in his own Philly defenders. On the plus side, this small slice of humble pie may spur him to come back hungrier next year.
North Dakota Reaches (Capt. Awesome)
Projected finish: 3rd place, 2403.33 ptsActual finish: 7th place, 1847.44 pts
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
Meh. I mean, there were signs of brilliance, signs of disaster, but mostly just a lot of killing time on Sunday afternoons in the fall. Both my team and the birds had solid QBs (Andrew Luck and some kid named Wentz), disappointing wideouts (DeAndre Hopkins, what the hell happened, man?) and boring running backs (I should have cut Jonathan Stewart in week one). But there’s hope for next year for both squads too: For the Eagles, there’s a good young core, and for my fantasy team, I don’t have to keep any of these losers.
NotWith That Attitude (Sam)
Projected finish: 4th place, 2350.77 ptsActual finish: 6th place, 1850.88 pts
NFL equivalent: Indianapolis Colts
Just 3.5 more pts and I would have jumped over Sam, who started three injured players in week 17 and still topped 108 pts. Sam wins the spelling bee prize this year, for fielding a team with TE C.J. Fiedorowicz, WR Quincy Enunwa and S Andrew Sendejo at various parts of the season. But he loses his prize for grabbing WR DeSean Jackson off the waiver wire, because only a fool would think that guy has anything left in the tank….
Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected finish: 5th place, 2222.23 ptsActual finish: 5th place, 1955.29 pts
NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons
Boom, dead on in my prediction, again. Jeff can attribute his strong season to the Falcons success, since it’s pretty much the same team: RB Devonta Freeman, WR Julio Jones, QB Matt Ryan. His biggest downfall again was his unique coaching strategy of not fielding a full defense -- since week 4, he only started one defensive player, and that guy (LB Tamba Hali) scored 9 pts over the last eight weeks of the season. Throw another 80 pts on there and he could have challenged for the silver medal (which we are again not awarding this year due to budget cuts).
For Who? For Wentz? (Ant)
Projected finish: 12th place, 1804.54 ptsActual finish: 4th place, 1990.06 pts
NFL equivalent: Oakland Raiders
Anthony and Oakland both looked like dark horse championship contenders until the last few weeks of the season, when everything fell apart. For Oakland, it was when QB Derek Carr was pounded into dust by the Colts defense. For Anthony, it was the month of December, when most of his team (QB Matt Stafford, RB Carlos Hyde, RB Melvin Gordon, RB Wendell Smallwood, RN Kenneth Farrow, TE Jordan Reed) suffered serious injuries and missed time. But I prefer to think it was uninspired coaching that really cost him a shot at the title.
QBs for Everyone! (Jo)
Projected finish: 8th place, 2020.20 ptsActual finish: 3rd place, 1990.78 pts
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Giants
Joanner (who beat Anthony for this spot by 0.72 pts) has put together a nice string of finishes in recent years (2nd last year, 4th in 2014) to pad her stats for the all-time league standings. In the last 13 years, she has only finished in the bottom half of the league twice, and she’s jumped into the top five a remarkable nine times. But, unlike the Giants, she’s never gotten to the top. Maybe next year she should build her team around an overrated QB and an overhyped media presence and she can capture the same glory the New Jersey squad has.
Cosby’s Sleepers (Mike)
Projected finish: 7th place, 2101.10 ptsActual finish: 2nd place, 2032.81 pts
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs
Speaking of sleepers, I have no idea how Mike landed up here. His squad is uninspiring save for Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott, and features at least two players (WR Tyrell Williams and LB Telvin Smith) who I may have just made up right now (go ahead, I’ll wait while you check). But in this somewhat depressed, wacky fantasy year, his team was one of only two to crack the coveted 2,000-pts barrier, finishing a very respectable first-loser. If we recognized almost greatness in this league, I’d laud his work here. But since we don’t, I leave his shattered dreams behind and move to our surprise new champion...
Gronky Tonk Man (Joel)
Projected finish: 10th place, 1995.96 ptsActual finish: 1st place, 2146.90 pts
NFL equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars, if they somehow won the Super Bowl
2016 was a year of sports surprises. The Cubs won a World Series. Cleveland got a NBA Championship. The QB-less Broncos stole a Super Bowl win. No Cowboys were arrested for felonies. But all of those facts pale in comparison to the shock of this victory.
Consider this -- in the last 10 years of this blog, Joel has only finished in the top half of the league twice (5th place in 2012 and 6th place in 2010). Six times he has finished in the bottom three. For at least three years I didn’t know if he still had his password to set his team. And yet, in a sport year where up is down and wrong is right, Joel nabs his first-ever Awesome Cup title by a comfortable margin.
Bask in the glory of your title, Joel. I’m still not sure how, but you earned it:
As always, thanks again to everyone in the league for indulging my football insanities, and to the half of you who even set their rosters to give me something to write about. We’ll pick it up again in seven months, and joke about the Cowboys epic collapse in the playoffs while trying to suppress the memory of another Eli Manning trophy. Or we’ll just talk about how the Eagles still don’t have any decent wide receivers.
And don’t forget -- the 2017 NFL draft is scheduled for April 27 in the fair city of Philadelphia, so start practicing your booing right now.
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