Fantasy league 2016 -- week 9 recap

No one is clamoring for NFL notables to run for public office, given the high quality of major party candidates this year. But quite a few are already planning public office runs in their post-football lives, and already have their campaign slogans ready:

** Colin Kaepernick: Standing up for America ... unless the anthem is playing
** Eli Manning: Dope and change
** Josh Huff: Fully endorsed by both the NRA and pot heads everywhere
** Tom Brady: Make America inflate again
** Odell Beckham: Look at me! Me! MEEEEE!
** Richard Sherman: I’m with hurt
** Jerry Jones: We must protect our kids, so I can devour their souls later

QB: Matt Ryan, 35.76 pts -- started by Jeff
WR: Mike Evans, 27.50 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Melvin Gordon, 31.93 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Jimmy Graham, 22.87 pts -- started by Dad
K: Matt Bryant, 16.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Baltimore, 16.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: Brandon Flowers, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Ahhhhhhhh, that close to a perfect week. Paul was the only coach to start a defensive player in the top 20 this week, and it was the stupid Giants CB who picked off Carson Wentz at the start of the stupid Eagles/Giants game.

Gordon was the 24th RB drafted in our league, and he currently sits as the number one non-QB in the league in fantasy points. So, good work by the experts there.

Former Eagles QB Marck Sanchez has 0.12 fantasy pts on the season. Just saying.


“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: San Francisco, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Cleveland, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

That’s the worst score possible for the Browns, who gave up 35 points to the Cowboys this week and didn’t record a single turnover or sack. But I’m sure their moms are proud of them anyway.

The Browns are almost the worst fantasy defense in the league, averaging 2.888 pts per week. But the Jaguars are just a hair worse, with a 2.875 pts average through nine weeks. But Cleveland got 6 pts on one return TD, so I feel like they should still be ranked at the bottom.


** This is an actual graphic they had on Monday Night Football. I can show you the picture if you don’t believe me:

EFFECTS OF NOISE
** Can’t communicate
** Tackles and TEs can’t hear
** QB can’t hear in headset
** Audibles can be difficult

Not only that, Jon Gruden then had to explain what each of the bullet points meant, because NFL viewers may not be able to grasp the concept of “noise” even with his incoherent babbling as a reference point.

** Good old Joe Buck, in game 7 of the World Series, noted that Cubs starting P Kyle Hendricks “has pitched in big situations before, though maybe not this big.” Those other big starts included the final game of his college playoffs and a key game in the earlier rounds of the playoffs.
Yeah, I think that’s pretty comparable to being the starting pitcher for game 7 of a World Series where one team hasn’t won for 108 years. Maybe. I can’t really tell.

Halfway through the season, here’s what stats are worth watching:

** Saints QB Drew Brees is on pace to throw for 5,376 yds this year, which would be the third most all time. Only five QBs have eclipsed the 5,000-yd mark in the history of the league: four guys who did it once, and Brees, who has done it four times already.
** Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott is on pace to rush for 1,782 yds, tops in the NFL. No rookie has rushed for that many since Rams RB Eric Dickerson in 1983, when he hit 1,808 yds. That’s also the last time a rookie won the league rushing title.
** Thirty-one WRs and TEs are on pace to receive for more than 1,000 yds this year. The NFL has never had more than 30 in a season before.
** The Giants as a team are on pace to rush for 1,093 yds this season, which is near historic lows and just so gawd awful that the Eagles found a way to lose to them.


Last offseason, former Maryland Racial Slurs RB Alfred Morris left the friendly confines of sorta-DC to continue his career in even more evil surroundings: Dallas. And while the team has won a lot, thanks to their recently renegotiated deal with the devil, Morris’ role has been more limited than expected, driving him to depression and substance abuse (probably). This, of course, comes as no surprise to me, given how clearly it is all spelled out in his name:

Redskins starter, Cowboys backup Alfred Morris
** From racist babies to worse: Drunk lacks dry reps

Yeah, I needed a crowbar and some oil to force that one in there.

** Took two more from Dad in our weekly picks this weekend. Yes, I just copied that start exactly from last week. I’m up a full TD and extra point on Dad for the season, after Dad selected Oakland wrong yet again. Pretty sure he’s 2-6 against the Raiders this year. Luckily, he’s playing in a different division.

** Chiefs QB Nick Foles on Sunday: 187 yds, 1 TD, no turnovers, 86.3 QB rating. He didn’t light the world on fire, but, that’s still more exciting than Sam Bradford.

** Don’t forget to get out there and vote today … in the NFL’s Pro Bowl balloting. After all, there’s a good chance no one is voting for that contest today, and somebody has to.

Week 9 standings

1 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1178.25 pts
1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1155.15 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1103.35 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1089.63 pts
5 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1070.40pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1044.39 pts
7 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1017.66 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 962.99 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 928.17 pts
10 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 922.81 pts
11 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 862.88 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 809.49 pts

Big change atop the leaderboard, as Anthony rides his big week back into first place and ends Joel’s five-week run in the lead. Mike jumped back up into striking distance as well, and everybody below the 1000-pts line stinks on ice.

FYI, the league trading deadline is this Saturday, so if you’ve got any Hail Mary passes to throw up there, now is the time. After this weekend you’re left with the dregs on the waiver wire, and no one wants to have to rely on Nelson Agholor for anything ever.