Pop quiz, hot shot
You are an Olympic sprinter getting ready for the final 100 meter dash. You take your position, and the gun fires. What do you do?
You are in the jungle when you hear a blood-curdling roar. You turn and see a hungry puma inching toward you. What do you do?
One of the top rap groups of the 1980s, with hits like “My Adidas” and “Walk this Way,” was the cutting-edge ____ DMC.
If you eat poorly-prepared food in a third world country you are liable to contract a violent digestive illness, more commonly known as what?
Your football team is up four points with 3:22 left in the game. You’re facing a second and 8. A first down would be great, but bleeding down the clock is your top priority. What play should you call?
Go ahead, keep clicking submit; Nothing is going to happen. Wanna know why?
BECAUSE ONLY A MORON WOULD PICK PASS IN ANY OF THESE SITUATIONS!!!!!
We’re not talking about a fun “we’re talking about practice” moron either. We’re talking a certified, potentially dangerous, “Tell me about the rabbits” kind of moron. Please don’t let children around him. Or adults. Or football teams.
Top Performers
** QB: Tom Brady, 50.16 pts – started by Jo
** RB: Kenny Watson, 35.80 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
** WR: Wes Welker, 30.88 pts – started by Jim
** TE: Heath Miller, 20.33 pts – started by Bob
** K: Rob Bironas, 29.00 pts – sitting on the wire
** DEF: Seattle, 33.00 pts – started by Neal
I’m pretty sure that’s the first time we’ve ever had a 50-plus point player. I could tell you for sure if I kept records, but you all are gonna have to start paying me if you want that. I’ll accept cash or fantasy points, your call.
Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award
Go back and read that opening quiz again.
Worst performers, "QBs" edition
Third Place: Marc Bulger, -1.00 pts– sitting on the wire
Second Place: Matt Cassel , -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
First Place: Quinn Gray, -2.96 pts – sitting on the wire
For the record, Cassel plays for the undefeated Patriots as Tom Brady’s backup. He had no completions and one interception in that 49-28 win over the Dolphins. Gray replaced Jacksonville's David Garrard and was even worse, and Marc Bulger just sucks.
Funniest thing I saw this week
The only good football I got to see this weekend happened on the Gahanna Pee-Wee football field, where I watched the Texans and the team of 6-, 7- and 8-year-olds wipe up the Raiders 39-18 behind a strong running game.
So strong, in fact, that the teams only attempted five passes all game. The Texans completed one for a two point conversion (their team QB rating was 95.80, the Raiders was only 39.50).
But the highlight of the game was the stellar play of one defensive end, who came running to the sideline after one tackle to talk to the coach:
-- #26: Coach, my helmet feels funny.
-- Coach: Well, take it off.
(#26 take off his helmet and looks at the coach)
-- Coach: Give it to me.
(#26 hands him the helmet)
-- Coach: OK … you’ve got your inhaler inside here. That might be the problem.
That’s true defensive focus. When you’re so keyed in on the task at hand you don’t notice a fist-sized gas cylinder in your hat, you’re into the game.
For the record, the next play that kid had a tackle for a two-yard loss.
Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Ever wonder how the Cowboys feel about their fans? Simply the name of "Dallas Cowboys Safety Ken Hamlin" reveals their disdain:
** Callow Boys hate slimey, dank fans **
At least we have something in common with them. I'm so sick of dank Cowboys fans stinking up the local bars.
Stupidest thing I heard this week
I know the last place you'd expect insipid football commentary would be from an Arizona Cardinals fan, but suspend your disbelief for just a minute.
Cardinals color commentator Ron Wolfley was barely getting sentences out during the Cardinals/Maryland Savages football game Sunday, and when the team opted to put WR Anquan Boldin in at QB on a critical two-point conversion trick play, he knew exactly what was coming:
"With Boldin in there," he said, "you've got to figure this is going to be either a run or a pass."
Sure enough, the Cardinals coaches did not call a kneel down play. They didn't complete the pass either, and the Cardinals went on to lose.
Our standings so far
First Place: I need linebackers, Paul -- 1066.20 pts
Second Place: Giuliani's 2nd wife, Jim -- 957.27 pts
Third Place: We Want Detmers, Jo -- 948.87 pts
Neal falls out of the top three for the first time in a few weeks. Out of sympathy, I fell from fifth to seventh.
For the record
** In my annual battle with Dad in picking NFL games, I've won three weeks and he's won four. Each week I've won, I've picked up one game. Each week he has won, he has picked up at least two. I'm down seven for the year. Maybe I should start picking the Patriots to win...
** I'm already conceding next week's game against the Dolphins, so I'd like to congratulate the Giants on their third straight 6-2 start to the season. I'm looking forward to their third straight second half collapse, followed by their third straight first-round loss in the postseason. Eli Manning has already started; Despite his team's good start, he's second in the league in interceptions and 18th in QB rating among starters. And that's despite an O-line that makes RB Derrick Ward look like a Pro-Bowler.
** Hey, when you guys finally get around to jailing Greg Lewis, put Andy in there too. If he ends up eating Lewis like a hamster going after its young, so be it.
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