The Draftsgiving post

Here's just a small part of the presentation I'll be giving next week to the Japanese prime minister ... or at least the guy who looks like him standing in the imperial gardens.

Defining Draftsgiving

What's the greatest holiday of the year? That's right, it's Thanksgiving. No gifts to by, no mandatory church services, no singing or decorating, no planting trees that'll fall down in a windstorm and wipe out your car in a few years (stupid Arbor Day). Thanksgiving is all about eating, watching football, eating, taking a nap, eating, having pie and a beer, and eating.

Don't we all deserve another Thanksgiving on the calendar? But where would we put it? April would be perfect, but there's no football to watch (don't peddle that Arena League crap around here). And without football, what would Thanksgiving be? Just another Thursday bingefest, without the deep joy of watching the Cowboys lose.

But hold on -- the NFL draft is every April. And that's almost football. And it takes a full Saturday just for the first round, where eating and drinking and pie and eating could be done. It's perfect!

And that, my friends, is Draftsgiving.

Essential items for Draftsgiving celebrations

1 -- The NFL Draft and a TV
You can't spell "Draftsgiving" without "draft." Go ahead, try. See? Simply put, the whole idea of having a second Thanksgiving hinges on having football on as an excuse to do nothing but eat and watch football.

2 -- A second TV
No one actually wants to watch draft coverage, of course. The trick is to have it on the first, small TV, so you can say that you're "watching football" without listening to Mel Kiper talk about the Iowa State kicker's unique style. I'd recommend a video game system and Mortal Kombat II on the second TV, or at the very least the NBA playoffs.

3 -- Beer
You're planning on watching 10 hours of draft coverage and accomplishing nothing else for the day. Without beer, this would be impossible. Most physicians I've interviewed agree that beer is the most responsible way to get your body at peak condition for the holiday. Make sure to open the first one before noon.

4 -- At least four other people
It's not a party unless you have five people and alcohol, and it's not a holiday unless there's a party. That's why St. Patrick's Day is loved by all Americans and Presidents Day flounders in government vacation obscurity.

5 -- Steaks off the grill
Feel free to add on as much other food as you'd like, but steaks are to Draftsgiving what turkey is to Thanksgiving. Do you prefer having sushi on Thanksgiving? Go back to Japan, you commie pig.

Optional items for Draftsgiving celebrations

1a -- A third TV
You know, there's nothing wrong with having the NBA playoff game and Mortal Kombat II on at the same time.

2a -- A pile of bad DVDs
The draft ends at 10 p.m., and you have three TVs. Every wonder if Wizard of Oz and Night of the Living Dead sync up and creepy times? Now is your chance to find out.

3a -- Mel Kiper
Really, we could do without him, but chances are he's the only one in the room who is gonna know who that defensive lineman the Eagles just drafted is. Just make sure you don't try to listen to him for more than an hour straight without drinking heavily.

4a -- Footballs
It's the best remote out there. If someone suggests turning off the draft, or going out to hit the local bar, a quick swing pass to the side of their head will correct the situation immediately.

More tips to come as the big day gets closer -- keep an eye on that countdown to the right!