A party, as defined by the ancient Sumerians, is any occasion where at least five people are gathered on base and at least one beer is consumed. That's the rule that we've been following for tabulating our partying. Major parties are counted where both Anthony and I pass out before midnight.
This weekend, we had a short visit from Thal and ShannonThal on Friday, and Thal and I had a few drinks to unwind. This, on it's own, would never be considered a party. But as many of you know, the Thal family is expecting a new addition, and fetus Thal was in attendance. Forget the legal and ethical questions at play here -- Does baby-to-be count in the party calculations? I've checked all the ancient texts I can find (and the 2003 ESPN almanac) and found now answers that can suggest its rightness or wrongosity.
So I need everyone to weigh in on this: Did we already have our 13th party, or did our impromptu get-together not count in the standings? There's a comment section below. To help you make your decision, I've included an artist's rendering of what fetus Thal might look like in a few months. The best argument wins bragging rights and a party at the fort in your honor (number of the party has yet to be determined.)
7 comments:
Hmm. This is a quandary. By definition, the word "gather" means "to collect into one place; assemble". I'm not sure that an impromptu meeting would constitute an actual "gathering" by this definition. Since you cannot collect or assemble unborn fetus Thal yet (you can try, but I think Shannon would hurt you), then you cannot really count him or her as person #5. So, no offense to the Thal family, but I believe that party #13 has not in fact happened yet. In fact, since 13 is my lucky number, I think you should reserve that party for me...afterall, don't I get a booby prize for being the first post?
Heeheee...I said booby.
FetusThal begs to differ. During our visit Friday night, FetusThal kicked regularly, especially in response to the Sprite MommyThal drank. He likes sugar. He also likes to stomp on a nerve in MommyThal's lower abdomen, bending her forward in great pain. If this isn't the definition of a Fort Awesome party, I know not what is.
Digest of Rules
Kickoff
1. The kickoff shall be from the kicking team’s 30-yard line at the start of each half and after a field goal and try. A kickoff is one type of free kick.
2. A one-inch tee may be used (no tee permitted for field goal, safety kick, or try attempt) on a kickoff. The ball is put in play by a placekick.
3. A kickoff may not score a field goal.
4. A kickoff is illegal unless it travels 10 yards OR is touched by the receiving team. Once the ball is touched by the receiving team or has gone 10 yards, it is a free ball. Receivers may recover and advance. Kicking team may recover but NOT advance UNLESS receiver had possession and lost the ball.
5. When a kickoff goes out of bounds between the goal lines without being touched by the receiving team, the ball belongs to the receivers 30 yards from the spot of the kick or at the out-of-bounds spot unless the ball went out-of-bounds the first time an onside kick was attempted. In this case, the kicking team is penalized five yards and the ball must be kicked again.
6. When a kickoff goes out of bounds between the goal lines and is touched last by receiving team, it is receiver’s ball at out-of-bounds spot.
7. If the kicking team either illegally kicks off out of bounds or is guilty of a short free kick on two or more consecutive onside kicks, receivers may take possession of the ball at the dead ball spot, out-of-bounds spot, or spot of illegal touch.
I know you said to ignore the legal and ethical issues, but I really think that's where we get our answer. So, after discussing this issue with Johnny Junior, aka Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., and J. P. Stevie, Justice John Paul Stevens ( I didn't ask Clarence Thomas 'cause he skeeves me out ), it appears there are three major legal issues to declaring this Friday visit "Fort Awesome Party #13:"
1) Was this an "occasion" as defined by the ancient Sumerians?
2) Were they're 5 "people"' at Fort Awesome?
3) Was at least one beer consumed during the evening.
From Leo's evidence, it is clear that Thal and Leo definitely satisfied the Issue 3 so we can write that off.
To answer the other two points, I had to resort to hiring Doc Brown and Marty McFly and their time-travelling DeLorean to get it straight from the Sumerian's mouth. Unfortunately, they forgot that neither of them speak or read ancient Sumerian. Luckily, Doc Brown has a friend who does understand ancient Sumerian and we were able to converse with a Sumerian party authority ( once we convinced him that we didn't want him to sacrifice his virgin daughter to the DeLorean ), his name was Babaganoosh.
Babaganoosh explained that a party does not need to be planned and that an "occasion" can arise spontaneously but there should be some reason for the party. He did agree that the distance traveled by the Thalites ( his term ) would satisfy the reason for the party as a trip of that distance would be adequate cause for a party. Issue 1 is satisfied so we moved on to Issue 2, did 5 "people" attend this gathering?
Surprisingly this was a non-issue for Babaganoosh. It appears that the ancient Sumerians recognized a pregnant woman as two "people" as soon as she showed evidence of being pregnant. At that point the pregnant woman receives treatment as if she was two people in the village and would make a doubly appealing sacrifice to the local volcano/tidal/forest god/goddess if the village needed a sacrifice.
As they would count as two for the sacrifice, they would count as two for the sake of determining party conditions.
From our discussion with Babaganoosh, I can only conclude that this would count as Fort Awesome Pary #13. Besides we don't really want Party #13 to be Draftsgiving day as that can only bring further bad luck to the Iggles.
What does everyone think about the understated announcement about the Iggles firing Owens?
I had forgotten that a kickoff cannot count as a field goal. That changes my whole perspective on the party issue.
And if Babaganoosh is so smart, why hasn't he resigned Jon Runyan? Huh?
But Lee is still in the lead, 'cause she said booby.
Woohoo!!!
I guess I can't compete with "booby." Besides, I suspect you just want more parties to make us drive down and visit you.
p.s. booby. It is still fun to say.
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