Fantasty Football 2024 -- week 9 recap

Here’s a quick public service announcement for this Election Day: When you’re faced with a series of different options, it’s always smart to go for the best one.

Some people have a lot of problems choosing between all the possibilities, and wish they could just go for two. It might feel right at the moment. It may seem like it gives your team more advantage down the road. But that’s just silly.

In all but a few cases, opting for two doesn’t make any long-term sense. If you take the best one, you get the one you need. If you keep reaching for two separate points instead of a single, solid one, you can risk spoiling the whole project and end up with nothing at all. It’s especially foolish to go for two early, potentially risking all of your other options later.

Just look at a hypothetical voter whose candidate has the lead. He might believe that opting for two will help his team win, because two just means more. He might decide to go for two multiple times in one session. But as he makes that same mistake over and over and over again, now the opponent’s standard bearer begins to catch up, endangering the victory.

(Sure, in some contests, you can choose up to three different points. But that just feels crazy to even talk about when some people can’t even figure out the ones and twos.)

So this Election Day, let’s reject the idea of always backing the two-point play, and instead embrace the solid single option. It’s better for democracy. And it’ll keep the screaming public a little quieter, confident that they know the proper decisions are being made when and where it matters the most.

QB: Joe Burrow, 39.14 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Jaxon Smith-Njigba, 28.00 pts — started by Joel
RB: Saquon Barkley, 33.90 pts — started by me
TE: Mike Gesicki, 21.17 pts — on the wire
K: Tyler Bass, 14.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: LA Rams, 23.00 pts — on the wire
D: (tie) Kamren Kinchens, 12.50 pts — on the wire
D: (tie) Trey Hendrickson, 12.50 pts — on the wire

RB Derrick Henry became the first RB on the season to top 1,000 yards rushing on Sunday, but only because his team hasn’t had a bye yet. Barkley, who rushed for 159 yds against the Jaguars, has 925 so far this year, and is just a hair behind Henry’s pace (115.6 yds per game for Barkley, vs 116.8 for Henry). But Barkley is also averaging 8 more receiving yds a game than Henry, making him the more productive all around back. What I’m saying is that Barkley may have been worth that big contract.

I normally wouldn’t care to name both the top defensive players, but this week it was worth noting. Kinchens scored the bulk of his points via an interception returned for a TD, as you might expect, but Hendrickson did not. The Bengals DE had four sacks, one forced fumble and two pass defenses against the Raiders, which is just a wild stat line. If he’s taking down the QB and batting down passes, maybe move him out to the linebacker post.

Joe Burrow had one TD pass when I had to start him in another league last week and five TD passes when I benched him this week, so I hate him and will not discuss any further.

“Players we own” edition

3rd place: Miami, 0.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
2nd place: Xavier Worthy, -1.00 pts — started by Dad
1st place: Denver, -5.00 pts — started by Ant

Denver got blown out by the Ravens, Worthy had a rush go for -10 yds and had bad luck the rest of his game. Those two make sense.

Miami just didn’t do anything, really. They recorded one sack and one turnover. They allowed 30 pts, which is bad, but not so bad that it’s interesting. They just … were there. Their defense scored as many points as the 49ers this week, and San Fran was on a bye.

Even odder, it’s the fourth time they’ve scored exactly zero points in a contest this year. Their other four games? Seven, seven, seven and … four. Well, the pattern was fun while it lasted.

** Headline on ESPN.com on Monday morning: Should Saquon Barkley be in the conversation for Offensive Player of the Year?

Their answer: Yes!

Great piece, guys. Way to stake out the unpopular position that the player with the most offensive yards per game should be considered for the offensive player of the year award. Next you’ll tell me that the team with the best score at the end of the Super Bowl should be considered as the league champion.

** Saints owner Gayle Benson said in a statement Monday that head coach Dennis Allen “is highly regarded within the NFL … has been extremely loyal and professional, and most importantly an excellent football coach for us.”

And then she announced he was fired, because the team is 2-7, because he has a 18-25 record with the team over the last three years, and because he has not been an excellent football coach for the team.

It was a very polite sentiment, though.

** Lost in the Patriots overtime loss on Sunday to the Titans (a game that no one should have been watching) was the coin toss at the end of regulation. As the visiting team, the Patriots got the chance to call. When they guessed wrong, the Titans opted to receive the ball first. And then the Patriots got to choose which end zone to defend. They chose to try and play into the wind, a decision that no sane coach would ever make.

After the game, Patriots coach Jerod Mayo blamed the error on varying weather conditions. “The wind had changed from the beginning of the game to the end of the game. So that’s what happened.”

And that’s a perfectly reasonable response, if he had to choose which side to defend three hours earlier. Dude, stick your finger into the air and see which way the wind is blowing. Then pick the right direction.

This isn’t advanced math, like trying to decide whether to go for one or two points when you’ve got a lead. That takes real coaching skill.

Tuesday was the NFL’s trade deadline, and while a few teams swapped picks and players, no one truly filled their biggest needs. According to NFL insiders, here are a few deals that were on the table but fell apart at the last minute:

** Philadelphia trades a 3rd-round pick for Indianapolis Coach Shane Steichen
This would have been great — Steichen, who served as the Eagles’ offensive coordinator during their last Super Bowl run — would have come back to helm a talented team in need of better coaching. The deal was nixed by Colts officials after the Eagles demanded they include $5.75 in bus fare to move Sirianni out of town.

** Maryland trades two 4th-round picks to Arizona for their mascot
The Maryland Cardinals isn’t a great name, but it makes more sense on the East Coast and is far, far better than the Commanders. Arizona owners were ready to go through with the trade until the NFL rejected their proposed new name: the Redskins, a tribute to all the sunburn victims in the desert outside Phoenix. Apparently there are some problems with that moniker...

** Dallas trades $5 million in cash to New England for a single soul
At first glance, it may seem surprising that Cowboys would be looking for a soul at all, given their godless, heathenistic approach to everything. But it’s always good to have one around for occult sacrifices. Sadly, the Patriots could not complete this deal because the entire region already sold their souls to the devil for 20 years of sports success.

** San Francisco trades a 7th-round pick to Carolina for extra hamstrings
The 49ers have been decimated by injuries this year, so a few spare body parts are going to be needed to get them over the finish line. The Panthers’ players aren’t really using any of theirs, so it seemed like a decent swap, but local public health officials stepped in and raised objections.

** Cleveland trades DeSean Watson to hell
This one shouldn’t really be included on the list, because it’s not realistic. Hell has no interest in taking Watson, price or no price.

Since early this year, the NFL Votes campaign has been encouraging players and fans to make their voice heard in this year’s election. All 32 clubs have taken part in the effort, although you can tell some players don’t really care.

Take, for instance, Dallas LB Nick Vigil. The nine-year pro had only two tackles in Sunday’s third-consecutive team loss, but somehow didn’t have any time to take part in the get-out-the-vote program. Why? Well, the answer is pretty obvious when you look at his name:

Dallas Cowboys outside linebacker Nick Vigil
** A candid suck — Losers be voting. I lack will. I obey.

It doesn’t surprise me that a member of the Cowboys is against the most fundamental tenets of democracy. It just upsets me that we let people like him flaunt it around impressionable youth every Sunday.

** Dad and I split our picks again this week, so I remain one ahead of him in the yearly standings. This contest is so close, Nick Sirianni is gonna refuse to kick the extra point.

** By the way, the Eagles scored in the first quarter, finally. I expect them to make up for the slow start to the first half of the season by scoring in the first quarter of every remaining game now.

** Vegas has the Eagles at 6-to-1 odds to win the NFC, the third best of any team. And boasting a 6-2 record, that makes some sense. They trail the 7-1 Lions (2-to-1 odds) and …the 4-4 49ers (5-to-1 odds), who have the 8th best record in the conference and would not be in the playoffs if the postseason started today. Sure, that makes sense. They’re clearly a bigger threat than the six other teams with a better record.

** I'm not sure I really expressed it well in the column this week, so let me be clear: I don't think Sirianni did a good job with score management this week. I just don't want to be too subtle about that. 

 
Week 9 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1137.02 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1099.72 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1077.46 pts
4 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1072.21 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1066.51 pts
6 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1039.83 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1028.48 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 1017.81 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 1009.61 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 895.95 pts
11 — Overachievers Anonymous (Paul), 870.77 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 778.57 pts

Now we’re talking. Jonathan remains in first place, but his lead is smaller thanks to my 164.83 pts this week, the highest for any team so far this season. Across my four fantasy leagues, my teams are now in second, second, second and … sixth. Well, the pattern was fun while it lasted.

Fort Awesome residents are again perched across all the medal stand spots, with Jeff close behind. Bob’s 142.34 pts would have been good enough for the top spot most other weeks, but instead he’ll just have to settle for climbing back into the mix. Sam and Paul are just barely hanging onto the edge of the precipice. Joel has fallen to his doom.

There’s a big Thursday game this week — Ravens vs. Bengals — and a Sunday morning game in Germany featuring the Giants and the Panthers. We must still really hate Germany. Four teams are on a bye this week, so get your lineups set early.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 8 recap

In honor of Halloween this week, here’s a look at how closely some NFL teams track with classic horror movies:

** Kansas City Chiefs — Friday the 13th, part 8
It doesn’t matter how many times they look dead or how dull the play gets, the Chiefs just keep coming back again and again and again and again.

** Tennessee Titans — Night of the Living Dead
Can you name anyone on this team anymore? It’s a monotone collection of zombie players, all shuffling towards oblivion.

** New Jersey Jets — Scary Movie
People keep dying left and right, and yet somehow this whole thing is just a slapstick comedy.

** Philadelphia Eagles — The Birds
They don’t seem like they should be scary, but they are 5-2 and starting to swarm. Also, they’re both birds. Not sure if you caught that subtlety.

** Jacksonville Jaguars — An American Werewolf in London
Through eight games, the only time the Jacksonville team has really bared any teeth was when they beat up the Patriots in England in week 7.

** New Jersey Giants — Frankenstein
At this point. QB Daniel Jones is really just a loose collection of poorly assembled parts.

** Carolina Panthers — Cats
Honestly, the only way Panthers games could be scarier to watch is if the players started chanting “jellicle” on the sidelines after every play. 

QB: Jalen Hurts, 37.14 — started by me
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 28.73 pts — started by Paul
RB: James Cook, 26.07 pts — started by Ant
TE: Cade Otton, 21.90 pts — started by Sam
K: Anders Carlson, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Detroit, 17.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: T.J. Watt, 10.50 pts — started by Dad

FYI, the number two QB on the week was Kirk Cousins, with 36.64 pts … on my bench.

RB Saquon Barkley is second in the league in rushing yds and has five rushing TDs. That would be good enough to be in the lead or tied for the best on 24 teams in the NFL this season, but only good enough for second on the Eagles. Hurts has seven, thanks to three on Sunday.

You know WR CeeDee Lamb (Or “Mr. Debacle, wee!” as we like to call him around here), but can you name the rest of the top five wideouts on the week?

** Ladd McConkey, 22.96 pts
** Cedric Tillman, 22.10 pts
** Calvin Austin III, 18.56 pts
** Kalif Raymond, 17.73 pts

Unlike Lamb, they all played for winning teams this weekend, and I’m willing to bet you never heard of any of them before now. Go ahead, guess what roster they’re on, or what QB was throwing to them.

“Getting defensive” edition

2nd place: (tie) Dee Williams, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Tennessee, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Cincinnati, -6.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench

Congrats to the Bengals, the first defensive squad to manage the lowest score possible this season. Cincy recorded no sacks, no turnovers, and no signs of life in their 37-17 loss to the Eagles. Even the Titans managed to get a few positive points in their game, and they lost 52-14 to the Lions. Ouch.

But even more amazing are the Panthers, whose defense tallied 3.00 fantasy points this week to bring their season-long total to … -2.00 pts. For the whole season. They’ve given up a league-worst 265 defensive pts so far and have scored negative fantasy points in five of their eight games. And yet they somehow managed to win one game. Go figure.


** Fox college football analyst Joel Klatt previewed Saturday's Ohio State/Nebraska contest by noting that “both teams are coming off almost the exact same situation heading into this game.” He predicted the preceding losses would both weigh heavily on the coaches’ minds.

For Ohio State, their previous game was a last-second 32-31 loss to #1 Oregon. Two days later, college football execs actually changed rules regarding “too many men on the field” penalties because the Ducks exploited a loophole to cheat the Buckeyes out of a game-winning FG attempt.

Nebraska had a nearly identical heartbreak in their prior game: A last-second, 56-7 loss to Indiana. Just like the Buckeyes, they were in it for the whole game, as long as you consider the “game” to be only the first seven minutes of competition. If the Cornhuskers had just landed that one 50-point play in the fourth quarter, they could have escaped with a win.

** Watching the Sunday night game, the refs threw a flag for offensive pass interference after the 49ers second touchdown, but decided to waive off the penalty after a short conference. NBC rules analyst Terry McAulay agreed with the decision and said it was “a correctly picked up flag.”

As Jo pointed out immediately, that’s dumb. There is no such thing as a correctly picked up flag. It’s a “wrongly thrown flag.” If there wasn’t a penalty, stop slowing down the contest to get yourself air time.

Incidentally, the score came just minutes after a Dak Prescott interception, or a “incorrectly thrown completed pass” as the refs like to call it.

** Headline in the Washington Post on Tuesday: “The Commanders’ Hail Mary wasn’t about luck. It was about hope.”

The thrust of the article seemed to be that while the Maryland football team won on a fortunate play, you can’t call it lucky because they practiced those kinds of tip drills in the past, in anticipation of it mattering one day. I guess they did a good job hoping the whole Bears defense would misplay a long bomb and allow a receiver to stand unguarded when a tipped ball hoped his way.

The Eagles could cement their place in football lore by simply doing nothing for the rest of the season.

Philadelphia has an impressive streak going for their past seven games (and two more last year): zero points scored in the first quarter. Right now they’re 10 points behind the next closest team (the Bears) and 72 points behind the leader in early scoring, the Minnesota Vikings.

But that’s all in the past. Let’s focus on the future.

It feels inevitable that the Eagles will score in the first quarter again. They almost did it Sunday, when they kicked a field goal on their opening drive, a series which started in the first and ended in the early second quarter. At this point, they’ll need to score 29 points in the next nine first quarters to average just 1.8 points for the opening period on the season.

Why is that 1.8 points mark significant? Over the last 20 years, only eleven teams have scored at that rate or worse in the opening quarter. And of that group, none have had a winning record. Only the 2004 Saints (29 first quarter points) had a .500 record. Of the rest, eight were 4-12 or worse. The 2009 Rams managed only 16 points in the first all year, and finished with a 1-15 record.

So the record books are there for the rewriting. Right now, the Eagles are averaging the lowest first-quarter scoring in the league and have a winning record. They could be the first team to make the playoffs without ever really playing in the first quarter. It’s a lofty goal, and one that can really only be achieved if they set their mind to continuing to flounder early in games, digging themselves into a hole from which they later pull themselves out.

FYI, the worst Eagles first-quarter scoring mark of the last two decades? That was in 2012, when they scored 30 points in that period over the whole 16 game schedule. They went 4-12 that year, one less win than the 2024 Eagles already have recorded.


Offensive lineman Terence Steele has evolved into a key contributor for Dallas since he was signed as an undrafted free agent in 2020. The impact isn’t really seen too much on the field — the Cowboys stink this season — but he has been a critical culture guy for the locker room. That’s no surprise, just look at what his name clearly spells out:

Dallas Right Tackle Terence Steele
** Degenerate: Kills tact, creates hell

Creating hell is a key component for the Cowboys practice schedule. Without it, they’re just another mediocre, underachieving team.

** Great news — I made a mistake again in the season contest against Dad last week, and we were actually tied (instead of me being one down). Now, thanks to a 2-1 week against him, I’m plus-1 on the year. My picks have been so good, I could double or even triple that season-long margin this weekend.

** McConkey is on the Chargers, Tillman is on the Browns, Austin is a punt returner/WR for the Steelers, and Kalif Raymond is the #17 wideout on the Lions. No idea how any of them got on to the top of the WR scoring this week.

** Some folks in the DC area are trying to label Sunday’s Hail Mary win for the Commanders “the miracle on the mall,” which is hilarious because the stadium isn’t even in the city and sits nowhere near the National Mall. However, not gonna lie, “Hail Maryland” is kinda awesome.

Week 8 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1015.98 pts
2 — Kodos for President (Jo), 969.83 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 961.30 pts
4 — Jabronis (Ant), 943.06 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 935.05 pts
6 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 934.89 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 900.22 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 897.49 pts
9 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 897.08 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 799.35 pts
11 — Overachievers Anonymous (Paul), 786.36 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 679.04 pts

We’ve got our first team to top the 1,000 points barrier this season, and it’s the reigning Awesome Cup champion. Jonathan’s squad posted an impressive 137.67 pts week, the fourth time in the last five weeks he has scored at least 130. He’s got a 46-point lead over his mother and the rest of the field, with half a season remaining.

Mike and Sam also scored over 140 fantasy points each, improving their positions. Ten teams scored over 100 points, and Jeff just missed the cut at 95.42. We’ll just quietly leave Joel alone for this week…

Only two byes next week (49ers and Steelers) and all the games are happening in the United States. Well, maybe not the Dolphins/Bills game, since Buffalo is pretty much Canada. But it fits the right time zone profile. So get those rosters set and ready early.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 7 recap

After Sunday’s game against the Giants, Eagles RB Saquon Barkley insisted there was no bad blood between him and his old team. “I'm thankful for that organization. They're the team that drafted me. I still got nothing but love and respect for all the guys over there, but I'm happy to be an Eagle.”

That’s a very noble and professional approach from the Pro Bowl back. It’s also undercut a bit by how he treated the Giants earlier on Sunday, beating them about the head like a ragdoll for three hours. Consider:

** Barkley (just him) rushing yards on Sunday: 176
** Giants (whole team) rushing yards on Sunday: 76

** Barkley (just him) total yards on Sunday: 187
** Giants (whole team) total yards on Sunday: 119

** Barkley (just him) plays over 20 yds on Sunday: 3
** Giants (whole team) plays over 20 yds on Sunday: 1

** Barkley (just him) plays for negative yds on Sunday: 1
** Giants (whole team) plays for negative yds on Sunday: 10

** Barkley (just him) points scored on Sunday: 7
** Giants (whole team) points scored on Sunday: 3

It’s good to see that Barkley can still be elite on the field in New Jersey, even if he’s not playing for that squad anymore.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 44.44 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Amon-Ra St. Brown, 17.47 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Jahmyr Gibbs, 28.53 pts — started by Jo
TE: Mark Andrews, 16.73 pts — started by Paul
K: Cameron Dicker, 21.00 pts — started by Jeff
DEF: Denver, 21.00 pts — started by Ant
D: Cody Barton, 15.50 pts — on the wire

So, so close to a perfect week.

Jackson posted the highest fantasy score of the year so far and the highest in all of football since week 17 last year … when he posted 46.34 pts. He’s the only player to top200 total fantasy pts for the season (208.40, to be exact). Bucs QB Baker Mayfield was number two on the week and is just 10 fantasy pts behind Jackson. After that, it’s a 30-point drop to third place.

But let’s not focus too much on positives here. Take a look at St. Brown’s score again. The top wideout on the week couldn’t crack 18 pts. I did the research this week, went all the way back to 2006 in the blog archives, and could not find a worse performance by the league’s best wide receiver for a week. In the last three years I only found one other time it was less than 20 pts.

Some of the other pass catcher lowlights of the week? Tyreek Hill (1.53 pts), Jalen Waddle (1.23 pts ), Tank Dell (0.48 pts), and Devonta Smith (0.37 pts) — all receivers drafted in the first five round of fantasy this year — didn’t top 2 pts. Deebo Samuel had 0.50 pts before leaving the game due to illness, and all his scoring came from a tackle after an interception. WRs Chris Godwin and Brandon Aiyuk suffered season-ending injuries. WRs DK Metcalf, Mike Evans and Zay Flowers were also hurt but might only miss a few games.

I don’t know what bad mojo wideouts had going this week, but here’s hoping the voodoo dolls disappear before next Sunday.

“Awful QBs” edition

3rd place: Bryce Young, -0.16 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Jarrett Stidham, -0.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Gardner Minshew, -1.64 pts — on the wire

Minshew managed four turnovers all by himself in Sunday’s very winnable 20-15 loss to the Rams. His 154 yds passing and three interceptions gave him a QB rating on the day of 20.96, which is almost half the 39.58 you recorded on Sunday (1 pass attempt, no completions or INTs).

Just missing the cut of worst performers was Panthers starting QB Andy Dalton. Young came in late and lost a few yards rushing, but Dalton played for most of the game, recording 93 yds passing and two INTs. He did manage one TD pass, but it was to the other team.

FYI, six defenses scored -2.00 pts or fewer this week. Shout out to Joel and Mom D for starting two of the worst (Jets, -5.00, and Patriots, -3.00).


** I know we’re eight weeks into the NFL season and 10 weeks into the college football season but how in the name of all that is holy is Alabama allowed to have a star defensive back named Devonta Smith just three years after they had a star wide receiver named Devonta Smith? Isn’t there some sort of waiting period for players with the exact same name?

** From ESPN.com: “In making the case for a third NFL Most Valuable Player award, Lamar Jackson is apparently a triple threat now. In addition to throwing five touchdown passes and rushing for 52 yards Monday night, Jackson showed off his latest skill -- lead blocking for Derrick Henry in the Baltimore Ravens' 41-31 victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. With the Ravens ahead by 16 points (34-18) in the fourth quarter, Jackson saw Henry switch directions and ran upfield to push All-Pro safety Antoine Winfield Jr. out of the way to help Henry to a 39-yard gain.”

Jackson also spoke to teammates and smiled a lot. Why not call him a quadruple threat? And he tied his own shoes. Quintuple threat!

Seriously, dude had a great game on Monday night. There’s no reason to exaggerate how good he was after a five-TD performance.

** Also from ESPN.com: “More bets have been placed on Los Angeles Lakers rookie Bronny James to win the NBA's Rookie of the Year than any other player at multiple major U.S. sportsbooks.”

Sure, he’s a second-round draft pick who won’t be a starter and is considered a fringe professional, but I guess the last name is right. Let’s throw money out the window.

The Yankees and Dodgers will square off Friday in a World Series showdown that one Washington Post columnist called “too good to be true” given the pedigree of both teams. It will also be a contest between two insufferable cities who believe that sports are meant to be played to award championships to them and them alone.

Still, it could have been worse. Here’s a look at a few potential championship series matchups that would make the Dodgers/Yankees fight look appealing in comparison:

** Yankees vs Mets: We dodged this one by just two wins. There has already been one NY vs NY in the World Series before, and preening and posing by all of New York would be too much to bear for a second time.

** Red Sox vs Dodgers: Boston has claimed 13 major sports titles since 2000, LA has claimed nine. And if they were playing each other, you’d hear about every single one of them again and again and again and….

** Patriots vs Giants: Another nightmare scenario repeat. Rooting for a meteor strike would be the only acceptable outcome.

** Al Qaida vs Celtics: I might root for the Celtics, but only reluctantly. And I could be swayed to root against Boston.

** Cowboys vs anyone: Honestly, if the Cowboys make the Super Bowl, the entire event is already garbage. Woe to us all.

The Cowboys had their bye this week, giving the team a chance to reset and re-strategize for the second half. Most teams work on new plays and formations, but Dallas isn’t like most teams. So that begs the question — how does the most evil franchise in all of sports enjoy their mid-season break? The answer is spelled out in the letters of the question itself:

What do Dallas players work on during their off week?
** Praying for death, hatred for kids, weak lulls, own woe

You’d think by now the team would be as good as they can be at hating kids, but apparently there are more techniques to learn every year. It probably focuses a lot on social media now.

** The Eagles are 27-7 in their last 34 games against the Giants. Just saying.

** I went 2-1 against Dad this week, so I’m only at -1 for the season in our picks. More important than that, Dad is an astounding 73-34 so far in predicting games on the season, a success rate of just over 68%. That makes my 67.3% rate look pathetic.

** Delaware’s dreams of an undefeated season were extinguished on Saturday with a loss to the Richmond Spiders, which just goes to show that spiders are not good for anything.

** Joel Embiid and Paul George are both already hurt so I guess we can skip right to baseball season again after the Eagles get crushed by the Bengals next week.

Week 7 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 878.31 pts
2 — Kodos for President (Jo), 849.60 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 839.63 pts
4 — Jabronis (Ant), 828.75 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 815.87 pts
6 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 806.81 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 790.27 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 779.76 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 771.32 pts
10 — Ezra *IYKYK* (Paul), 686.24 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 654.67 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 624.63 pts

Brutal bye week for Ant, who was forced to start Dalton and his 0.02 fantasy pts. His run atop the standings is over, and Jonathan immediately grabbed it and started running. His 143.27 pts this week were the week’s best and good enough for a 29-point cushion hearing into the halfway point of the season.

We’ve got six teams over 800 points and one more just a 32-yd TD catch away. There’s a pretty big gap between 9th (just 107 points out!) and 10th (just 192 points out!), but everyone else is in the mix. And I’m already working on plans to handicap the boy's chances at success.

We’re heading into week 8, where there is only one Thursday game, one Sunday game and no byes, because … I dunno, eight is enough? The NFL is so random. No excuses, everyone should have all their starting spots covered this week.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 6 recap

Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni was seen yelling at Philly fans after Sunday’s tense win over the woeful Cleveland Browns, apparently upset with booing and taunting which came during his team’s uneven play. After the game, Sirianni said of the boos “I don't think that's productive for anybody.”

On Monday, Sirianni apologies for his remarks and his after-game actions.

"I was trying to bring energy and enthusiasm yesterday, and I'm sorry and disappointed at how my energy was directed at the end of the game," he said. “I've got to have better wisdom and discernment of when to use that energy and that wasn't the time."

It takes a big man to acknowledge his mistakes, and Sirianni should be commended for that action. It’s a fine example to set for his staff, his players and his community.

Now, here’s a list of other things Sirianni should apologize for:

** Not understanding why running plays are important.
** Not understanding why field goals are important.
** Not understanding why linebackers are important.
** Hiring Matt Patricia last year.
** Causing Jalen Hurts to regress over the last two years.
** Causing AJ Brown to get injured and miss three games (probably his fault).
** Causing the Phillies to bomb out of the playoffs (probably his fault).
** Yelling at the Philly fans. That requires at least two apologies.

QB: Caleb Williams, 36.63 pts — started by Ant
WR: Chris Godwin, 25.83 pts — started by Bob
RB: Sean Tucker, 31.93 pts — on the wire
TE: Cole Kmet, 19.17 pts — started by Paul
K: Jake Bates, 19.50 pts — on the wire
DEF: Detroit, 19.00 pts — started by Dad
D: Rodney McLeod Jr., 10.50 pts — on the wire

McLeod is the Browns safety who scooped up the blocked FG in the game against the Eagles for Cleveland’s only touchdown of the afternoon. So, you know, good on the Eagles for making the top performers list.

Coming into Sunday’s game, Tucker — Tampa’s backup RB — had 30 rushing yds and 23 receiving yds in five career appearances. In Sunday’s 51-27 destruction of the Saints, he had 136 rushing yds, 56 receiving yds and the first two TDs of his career. According to ESPN, he was owned in 1% of leagues and started in 0.7% of them. For comparison, Chiefs WR Rashee Rice was started in 4.8% of all ESPN leagues, almost seven times as many as Tucker, even though Rice suffered a season-ending injury three weeks ago, and his team is on a bye this week.

Great work by those six or seven coaches nationwide who identified Tucker as the must-start this week.

“Players we started” edition

3rd place: Travis Etienne Jr., -0.10 pts — started by Joel
2nd place: Chris Olave, -1.17 pts — started by Paul
1st place: New England, -2.00 pts — started by Mom D

Two of these starts were spoiled because of injury. Olave fumbled on his only catch of the game and suffered a concussion, Etienne had been nursing a leg injury and left after just three carries.

The Patriots? They just sucked. They allowed 41 pts to the Texans and managed a pair of sacks and one turnover to avoid the bottom score of -6.00. After a surprise win over the Bengals in week 1, the Patsies have lost five in a row, leaving them tied with the Browns, Jags and Panthers for the worst record in football. And while Cleveland, Jacksonville and Carolina are used to that slump in the standings, it’s nice to see Boston fans down there for the second year in a row. It’s a good look. Maybe we should try it out for the next decade or so.


** Headline on ESPN over the weekend: “Dodgers defy 'experts,' quiet Padres to reach NLCS”

From the story: “Many saw the Dodgers as underdogs in this NLDS. The Padres were healthier, more complete, with an offense that was humming, a rotation that had been dominant and a bullpen that stood among the deepest in the sport. The Dodgers rallied around that.” The quotes in the headline come from 3B Max Muncy, who said that “80% of the f-ing experts said we were going to lose,” a figure that was pulled completely out of his butt.

That’s right, the team with the most wins in baseball, with the likely NL MVP and home field advantage throughout the post-season, and with the best betting odds to win the World Series, was seen internally and by ESPN’s braintrust as the underdogs in the playoffs.

Lucky for them, the Dodgers managed to rally from that burden in game one of the NLCS and defeat the Mets, the #6 seed who won 10 fewer games than them this season. It’s an underdog story fit for Hollywood.

** Also, 13 of more than 30 ESPN baseball “experts” on Oct. 3 called for the Phillies to win the World Series this year. Sounds like I found a list for their next round of layoffs.

** Lions coach Dan Campbell said he’s hopeful that star DE Aidan Hutchinson may return to play this season, after suffering an injury in Sunday’s big 47-9 win over the Cowboys.

"I would never count Hutch out, ever," Campbell told reporters on Monday. "So, probably a long road, but I would never count him out and I would say if anybody can make it back, it'd be him."

That’s a great, encouraging statement. But no.

Hutchinson, a 6-foot-7, 268 edge rusher, BROKE HIS LEG during the game. The injury was so gruesome, Fox refused to show replays. It’s not a matter of toughing out the pain or accelerating rehab. Dude’s leg needs six months to reset and heal.

Unless the Super Bowl is postponed until April, there is no sane timeline for Hutchinson to play again this season. Even the insane timelines wouldn’t have him ready until after Valentine’s Day.

Just how sweet was the Lions’ 47-9 thumping of the Cowboys on Sunday? Sure, that score looks pretty, but it doesn’t really tell the whole extent of the pain inflicted upon the least likable team in all of sports:

** The loss was the biggest margin of defeat since Jerry Jones bought the team in 1989. It also came on his 82nd birthday.

** It was tied for the fifth-worst loss in Cowboys history and the fourth-worst home loss for the franchise all time.

** It’s the fourth consecutive home loss for the Cowboys, counting their playoff embarrassment last year. Prior to that, they had won 16 in a row in Arlington.

** Sunday’s game was a scorigami — it’s the first time an NFL game has ended with a 47-9 score. So that’s another reason to put the Cowboy’s loss into the history books.

** The Cowboys have a week 7 bye, then play the 3-3 49ers. After that it’s four games in a row against teams with winning records: the Falcons, the Eagles, the Texans, the Commanders. So there’s no reason to believe their struggles will end after their break.


One bright spot for the Cowboys in that historic drubbing on Sunday — Their sixth round draft pick, Ryan Flournoy, had the first catch of his career. It came in the fourth quarter, and was immediately followed by the first lost fumble of his career. So, maybe it wasn’t the personal milestone he had hoped for.

Despite that, Flournoy is viewed as a player with a lot of promise. It’s not so much for his speed or skills, but for the attitude he brings to the team. And, in true Dallas fashion, that attitude is hatred. Just look at what his name plainly spells out:

Dallas rookie wideout Ryan Flournoy
** A yarn aloud: I don’t like flowers. Or you.

In fairness, I like all flowers more than any Cowboys. Even the stink blossom ones.

** Back on the right track — I won the only game Dad and I had different in our picks this week (Colts vs. Titans) and clawed back to within one game of him for the season. For the week I only picked one game incorrectly. No, I cannot explain why I had any faith in the Broncos.

** Did you know the Cowboys were 0-11-1 in their inaugural season in 1960? Why don’t we talk about that more? They’re one of only four teams to go winless in a season since 1950. They should be appropriately celebrated with the 1976 Buccaneers, 2008 Lions and 2017 Browns.

** The Monday night game featured three missed field goals and a missed extra point. I’m pretty sure that under the new collective bargaining agreement, that means an automatic loss for both teams. It also had a successful Hail Mary by the losing team, which is just great.

** Baseball kinda sucks right now, doesn't it?   

Week 6 standings

1 — Jabronis (Ant), 756.41 pts
2 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 735.04 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 729.27 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 718.42 pts
5 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 701.91 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 698.10 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 692.62 pts
7 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care, (Bob) 692.62 pts
9 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 664.23 pts
10 — Daylight Saving 4Evah (Paul), 570.69 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 554.60 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 537.55 pts

No, your eyes do not deceive you. After six weeks of fantasy gridiron battle, we have A TIE for seventh place. Mom D and Bob have achieved the exact same amount of points, down to the hundredth decimal spot. How unlikely is that?

(I honestly don’t know. Going back through all the old records to see just felt like too much work for seventh place, if we’re being honest.)

Jo’s 142.75 pts week shot her into the upper tier of the standings again, and our top eight are still within striking distance of the #1 spot. But the big props this week go to Anthony, who benched the Cowboys on his squad and still opened up some space between himself and second place. That’s another shot Dallas had to absorb this week.

Paul is back out of the cellar, but he’s still cursing the darkness because he hasn’t embraced daylight savings time yet. All but our bottom two teams scored over 100 points again this week, which feels like it could be a new record (and, again, feels like a lot of work to research).

There’s an early Sunday game and two Monday night games this week, for reasons! And two byes. And a Thursday game, of course. Have fun trying to figure out when your players are actually playing.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 5 recap

The New York Jets fired coach Robert Saleh on Tuesday after a disappointing 2-3 start to the season. Defensive coordinator Jeff Ulbrich was named the interim head coach, but it’s unlikely that title will change into a permanent appointment.

The turmoil in the Jets locker room is a reminder that the team’s coaching post remains one of the worst jobs in football. The franchise has a .339 win percentage since the start of the 2014 season, and has overwhelming geography challenges that seem insurmountable. Consider:
** The Jets aren’t the best football team in New York state: That title belongs to the Bills (.599 win percentage in the last 10 years).

** The Jets aren’t the best football team in their own state: They actually play in New Jersey, and the top football team since 2014 in state is the Princeton Tigers (.700 win percentage).

** The Jets aren’t the best regional green and white football team: The Philadelphia Eagles far outdistance them over that same span (.568 win percentage).

** The Jets aren’t the best regional team that rhymes with “bets”: The Brooklyn Nets boast a .441 win percentage over the last 10 years. The New York Mets have a .510 mark over that span.

** The Jets aren’t the best regional team forsaken by God himself: The New Jersey Devils have a .433 win rate since the start of 2014.

** The Jets aren’t the best Jets in North America: The Winnipeg Jets have a .538 win percentage over the last decade.

** The Jets aren’t the best football team in their own stadium: They share their New Jersey home with the Giants, and that floundering franchise is still better than the Jets over the last decade (.371 win percentage).

It’s hard to attract good coaching talent when you’re not the best at anything anywhere.

QB: Joe Burrow, 43.78 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Ja'Marr Chase, 30.37 pts — started by Mike
RB: Tank Bigsby, 24.47 pts — started by Joel
TE: Tucker Kraft, 19.87 pts — started by Dad
K: Younghoe Koo, 17.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: New Jersey Giants, 19.00 pts — on the wire
D: Pat Surtain II, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Stupid New Jersey Giants.

Burrow leads the league in TD passes with 12 and also leads the league in losses with four. It’s almost as if fantasy football isn’t the same as real football. I’ll have to look into that.

Coming in at the #2 spot in the top QB performances was Kirk Cousins (42.36 pts), who tossed four TD passes in the Falcons’ win on Thursday night. It was also “Matt Ryan Night” in Atlanta, notable because Cousins broke Ryan’s single-game passing yds mark in the win, with 509. No better way than to impress your new team than to embarrass one of its legends.

By the way, Lamar Jackson had 4 TDs and 41.42 fantasy pts and only gets the bronze medal on the week. And 11 different receivers had at least 100 yds. Just some crazy, crazy scoring.

 
“Carolina” edition

3rd place: Tommy Tremble, -1.03 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -2.00 pts — on Mike’s bench
1st place: Carolina, -5.00 pts — on the wire

Tommy Tremble plays TE for The Panthers and Tossed out a Thud of a game This week, with one catch for seven yds and a fumble. On The positive side, he did better than his Team’s defense, and Thankfully has The perfect name for alliteration.

The Eagles defense recorded no fantasy points this week because of their bye, which made them the fourth-worst play in football among defenses this week. Shout out to the Ravens, who won their game and had nothing but good fantasy marks until their -1.00 pts line this week, when I had to start them in my pay league. Jerks.

 
** In case you were worried that the Eagles’ bye week would mean that there would not be embarrassing Philly football to talk about this week …

In the UConn/Temple game, the Huskies kicked a FG to go ahead of the Owls 23-20 with less than four minutes to play. Temple got the ball back, drove down the field and had a fourth-and-goal from the one-yard line with three seconds left in the game. Rather than go for the tie, they pulled out a city classic: The Brotherly Shove. Executed properly, it would give them a 26-23 comeback win.

Instead, they fumbled the ball, and UConn returned it 99 yards for the game-ending TD.

There’s just something about Philly teams and obvious field goals.

** Ahead of Sunday’s slate of games, CBS analyst Adam Schein predicted that Bills QB Josh Allen “will have the single best game of his career today.”

We all get it, talking heads make bold predictions that often miss just to get attention. But the audacity of this one was special, because Schein then posted a graphic of Allen’s previous “best” performance — 308 yds passing, 66 yds rushing, 5 total TDs in a 2021 playoff game. And then he still insisted that Allen would put up even better numbers against the Texans this week.

Schein was close: Allen only missed it by 12 rushing yds, 277 passing yds and 4 TDs. The Bill’s QB had a mediocre day of less than 190 total yds and a single TD. And Schein will be allowed back on TV again next week, because ignorance is always welcome in pregame shows.

With the Eagles off this week but the Phillies still playing, it only seems right that the birds lend a hand to their friends across the street for the next few days. Here’s a look at where some of the best Eagles athletes could maybe pitch in on the baseball diamond:

** Catcher Devonta Smith: This one seems obvious. With his wideout skill set, Smith can reel in nearly any errant pitch and would bring elite speed to the position.

** Third baseman Quinyon Mitchell: The rookie QB has shown he has good instincts and quick reaction time. Sounds like a natural at the hot corner to me.

** Designated hitter Lane Johnson: I don’t know if he could play the field. But he’s a team leader, an important morale guy, and if all 325 pounds of him gets into a pitch, watch out.

** Closer Jalen Hurts: He’s giving away the football at an alarming rate, so he would fit in perfectly with the Phillies’ relievers and problems of surrendering runs in the playoffs.

** Center Fielder AJ Brown: Making tough catches on the run? Jumping above the outfield wall to rob a homer? The only concern is he’s likely to run through a stop sign on the basepaths.

** Starting Pitcher Saquon Barkley: I dunno. No teams seem to have an answer for him right now. So let’s see if he can blaze a few pitches by folks at the plate.

One of Dallas’ big free agent signings this summer was RB Ezekiel Elliott, who previously starred on the team from 2016 to 2022. Elliot was a 1,000-plus yds rusher four times in his previous stint with the team, but was let go after the 2022 season amid concerns he had lost a step. But just one year later, with the Cowboys in need of rushing help, they brought their former Pro Bowler back to rejuvenate the running game. Will the reunion work?

Of course not. He’s washed up, and just looking at the headlines after his signing clearly spelled that out:

Dallas Cowboys resign RB Ezekiel Elliott
— A sterile old geezer, a wobbly tic. No skills.

Elliott just missed the 100-yard mark on Sunday, finishing with 98. Of course, that’s 98 through the first five games of the season, not in a single game. But however you can get to the century mark is exciting.

** I made a mistake last week — Dad actually only won three of four against me, meaning he was up one for the season, not four. But then he picked up another one this week, so now he’s up two. So he won the week but ended up one game closer in the standings than I gave him credit for last week. It’s very confusing, but here’s the important take away: Just kick the field goal and take the points.

** Dad also ended my undefeated season in the Garrity Family league this week, so a double pox on him. More condolences to Shelly, whose team posted 160.62 pts … only to lose to Jim by eight. She would have beaten Dad by 52 points, but gets a loss regardless.

** Gawd, I hate the Mets. 


Week 5 standings

1 — Jabronis (Ant), 631.89 pts
2 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 617.35 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 592.32 pts
4 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 580.04 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 579.96 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 575.91 pts
7 — Kodos for President (Jo), 575.67 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 558.99 pts
9 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 550.20 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 488.34 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 474.83 pts
12 — Happy 20 Jenn (Paul), 454.80 pts

Ant becomes the first manager to stay in the top spot for consecutive weeks this season, but it was Jonathan’s big 152.75 week that stole the headlines. Last year’s champ jumps from fifth to second in the standings, with a little cushion over Jeff’s squad.

Six teams scored more than 120 pts, and all but two got over 100. Condolences to Bob, who fell all the way from 4th to 8th thanks to another meh week from Patrick Mahomes, and to Paul, who is celebrating a noteworthy anniversary and does not need to be concerned with his team’s plummet down the charts.

We’ve got a big NFC West matchup on Thursday night (49ers vs. Seahawks) which could eliminate San Fran from the postseason already (they would be 2-4 overall and 0-3 in the division with a loss) and another London game on Sunday morning (Jacksonville vs. Who Cares) before the Eagles take the field again. 

Both of the undefeated teams (Vikings and Chiefs) are on byes, but we do get both New Jersey teams in prime time on Sunday night and Monday night, because the NFL hates you and wants you to feel bad. Get those rosters ready early.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 4 recap

Given how the Eagles have looked over the last few weeks, you might as well keep this form handy, and circle the right answers to explain to friends and family what the latest problems are:

“It’s no surprise the Eagles got killed on Sunday. You do need to remember that __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** No one on the defense knows how to tackle
** Tom Brady’s stupid face was announcing the game

“The biggest worry is how awful Jalen Hurts has looked. Did you realize he has 27 turnovers since the start of last year? I think that’s because __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** Hurts forgot that other teams know how to tackle
** Tom Brady’s stupid voice distracted everyone, including feral dogs

“They can still rally to make the playoffs, but not if __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** Hurts doesn’t get back to form
** Tom Brady’s stupid comments get in the players ears and cause brain rot

“Thank gawd it’s the bye week. Maybe they can do something in the time off to address the issue that __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** Howie Roseman doesn’t know what a linebacker is
** Tom Brady stole the soul of several players at halftime last week

“Honestly, the way they’re playing, they couldn’t win even if they were led by __________.”
** Tom Brady’s stupid face
** Tom Brady’s stupid arm
** Tom Brady’s stupid butt
** Nick Foles

QB: Jordan Love, 36.16 pts — on Paul’s bench
WR: Nico Collins, 22.07 pts — started by Ant
RB: Derrick Henry, 34.07 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Tucker Kraft, 12.53 pts — on the wire
K: Nick Folk, 24.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: San Francisco, 23.00 pts — on the wire
D: Troy Andersen, 13.50 pts — on the wire

Taysom Hill actually outscored Kraft, but since Hill is not a TE, he can’t make the top performers’ list there.

Ageless wonder Joe Flacco made his 2024 debut halfway through the Colts game Sunday after starter Anthony Richardson was knocked out with a hip injury. Here’s a list of players who scored fewer fantasy pts than the 39-year-old backup (a respectable 19.02 for the afternoon):
Trevor Lawrence (18.32 pts), Jalen Hurts (18.32 pts), Brock Purdy (16.62 pts), Patrick Mahomes (15.00 pts), Kyler Murray (11.98 pts), Aaron Rodgers (11.60 pts), Kirk Cousins (7.52 pts), Josh Allen (7.30 pts), Matthew Stafford (4.86 pts).

And of all the Pro-Bowl names on that list, the only QBs who won on Sunday were Mahomes, Purdy and Flacco. I dunno, maybe $8.7 million for the former Blue Hen was a better investment this year than $200 million for some of those other guys.

“Computer generated names” edition

3rd place: Tyler Badie, -1.27 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Isaac Guerendo, -1.54 pts — on the wire
1st place: Steven Sims, -1.80 pts — on the wire

I for one am shocked that a guy named “Baddie” is not good at football.

The Maryland Commies are on a three-game winning streak and are averaging more than 30 points a game this season. That’s good, because despite leading the NFC East, they’ve got the second-worst fantasy defense in all of football. They’re allowing nearly 26 points per game and have totaled just 7.00 fantasy pts, 52 behind the top defense in the league (Minnesota). And they’re still clearly the best team in the division.


** On Monday, during his weekly press conference, Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni was asked whether it's time for the team to panic. His response:

"I think it's early. I think there's a lot of teams' stories unwritten. We need to figure out what we do well and try to continue to do that, see what we don't do well, try to get out of that, and mesh some things together."

Let me help you, Nick. Here are the things you do well:
— Turn the ball over
— Miss tackles
— Show up unprepared for games

Here’s what you don’t do well:
— Play football

Maybe try to work on that during the bye week.

** At the end of Michigan/Minnesota game, Fox sideline reporter Jenny Taft opened her interview with Wolverines coach Sherrone Moore with this question:

“I know the second half wasn’t up to your defensive standards, but what did you think of your team’s performance overall?”

And that’s a fair question … in a different game. The Wolverines led the Gophers 24-3 heading into the fourth quarter, then surrendered 21 points in the final 14 minutes and only held on for a 27-24 win because of a phantom penalty against Minnesota on an onsides kick recovery.

That’s not living up to any team’s defensive standards. OK, maybe the Eagles. But no reasonable team.

In honor of the baseball postseason starting, here’s a quick quiz to get you ready: Which of these are players who will appear on a MLB playoff roster this week, and which won’t?

Lucas Erceg

Real MLB player
Fraud

José Buttó

Real MLB player
Fraud

Jackson Chourio

Real MLB player
Fraud

Angel Zerpa

Real MLB player
Fraud

Tarik Skubal

Real MLB player
Fraud

DeMarvion Overshown

Real MLB player
Fraud

Wenceel Pérez

Real MLB player
Fraud

Taijuan Walker

Real MLB player
Fraud

No surprise, those are all actual baseball players … except for Pitcher Taijuan Walker, who is a fraud and will not be on the Phillies postseason roster.

Oh, and DeMarvion Overshown plays for the Cowboys and is the subject of this week’s anagram.

   The life of an NFL rookie can be difficult, with all the new faces, new expectations and new realities of professional sports life. Some franchises do a good job handling that change. And others, like the Cowboys, are content to let their new player suffer through growing pains so they can enjoy spreading misery.

Think that’s an exaggeration? Just look at what the team’s third-round draft pick, DeMarvion Overshown, spells out now that he’s a member of the squad:

Dallas Cowboys rookie LB DeMarvion Overshown
** I sob all over, croak inward: Nobody shows me love

You’d almost feel bad for that heartbreak and isolation, if Overshown’s soul wasn’t already black from being drafted by the Cowboys.

** Another huge swing in the weekly picks with Dad. After I swept all three last week to go up by one, he swept all four this week to go up by three for the season so far. I’m the last person in the world to have any faith in the Browns. I will not be making that mistake again going forward.

** In case you missed Monday night’s good football game, Lions QB Jared Goff was a perfect 18-for-18 on the night and caught a TD pass on what multiple sports writers called “their own version of the Philly special.”

Except it wasn’t. It was a trick play where Goff handed off the ball to WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, who then circled around the side and threw a pass into the end zone. It wasn’t a direct snap to someone other than the QB. Only two players touched the ball, not three. There was not a reverse in the backfield. It wasn’t a fourth down.

Look, I love reliving the Eagles Super Bowl win as much as anyone, but not every single trick play is “a version of the Philly Special.” A fake field goal is not the Philly Special. An end-around is not the Philly Special. Throwing a cheesesteak into a defender’s face is a Philly special, but that’s a whole different thing.

** Playoff baseball starts Saturday. You can ignore everything else up until then.

Week 4 standings

1 — Jabronis (Ant), 493.47 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 475.46 pts
3 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 468.28 pts
4 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 466.14 pts
5 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 464.60 pts
6 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 457.45 pts
7 — Kodos for President (Jo), 455.28 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 442.15 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 441.91 pts
10 — Dawk’s Greatest Hits.AllofThem (Paul), 373.33 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 360.67 pts
12 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 355.24 pts

Four weeks in and four different leaders stop the standings. Ant and Jeff switched places this week, with Bob and Mom D keeping pace. I topped 100 pts this week and fell three spots, because all but two teams reached the century mark. Jonathan led the pack with 133.09 pts, and gets to take the title of Fort Awesome leader for the week, but just barely.

The bottom of the standings saw a shakeup too, with Paul leaping out of last and leaving Sam and Joel in his wake. That trio all has some work to do to catch up to the rest of the pack, but we again have spots one through nine separated by a mere 52 pts, a margin that could be made up in a single week.

It gets harder to post those big scores starting next week, however. Bye weeks are upon us, with the Eagles, Lions, Chargers and Titans all getting time off. And of course there’s still a Thursday game and Monday game and maybe a Saturday midnight game. Check those rosters early and often.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 3 recap

Forget the result of Sunday’s game — it’s clear the Eagles have a serious coaching problem, and there is only one logical solution.

Through three games this season, Nick Sirianni’s coaching decisions have directly resulted in four missed field goal opportunities and twice unnecessarily handed the ball to the opposing team with a chance to surrender the lead. His moves have already cost the Eagles one-third of their games. In a division that might be decided by a single victory, that kind of leadership is unforgivable.

Meanwhile, Eagles management (and fans) believe that the team has championship-caliber talent, but it isn’t being used correctly on the field. With multiple track stars on offense, why is the team constantly running TE screen plays? Why has QB Jalen Hurt regressed severely over the last 20 games? Why doesn’t this team beat up on lesser teams anymore?

The answer, of course, is poor coaching. And there’s already a known way to address that in Philadelphia. It’s a big move, but we all know deep down it’s the right one.

It’s time to fire Nick Sirianni mid-season and hire Rob Thomson to get this team to the Super Bowl.

Look, I hear what you’re saying. “But Thomson doesn’t know football. You can’t put him in here.” Wrong. Thomson, whose team won the NL East this week, knows how pro players think. He rejuvenated a locker room full of struggling stars and inspired a fan base. He has taken his team to the playoffs three straight years. He knows how to win and how to use the talent around him.

“But Rob Thomson already has a job. He can’t do both.” Wrong again. The Phillies wrap up their season this week. They have already won the NL East. That final series against the Natinals isn’t important. Thomson can start with the game against Tampa this week, while the Phillies are coasting. Then the Eagles have a week 5 bye, just as the Phillies are starting the division series. Sure, there may be a game in late October where Thomson has to decide which team he’ll oversee, but that’s what assistant coaches are for. It’s a minimal inconvenience for a big payoff.

“But Thomson doesn’t want the job. This is just ridiculous.” Gawd, do you ever get sick of listening to yourself being so wrong? When Thomson signed a one-year extension last December, he said he wanted to coach as long as Philadelphia wants him here. He didn’t say “only if the Phillies want me.” He’s a team player and a team motivator. He’s gonna do what Philadelphia needs him to do. He’s the hero we need, not the hero we deserve.

For the good of the city, I expect Sirianni’s resignation by Wednesday and for Thomson to walk across the street after the Cubs’ series ends Wednesday night.

QB: Josh Allen, 38.92 pts — started by Dad
WR: Jauan Jennings, 35.17 pts — on the wire
RB: Saquon Barkley, 31.30 pts — started by me
TE: Cole Kmet, 17.47 pts — on the wire
K: Wil Lutz, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 22.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Jaire Alexander, 10.50 pts — on the wire

Just how improbable was Jennings’ posting the top wideout score of the week? He had 11 catches for 175 yds and three TDs in the 49ers loss to the Rams on Sunday. Last season, he had 19 catches for 265 yds and one TD. That’s 31.17 fantasy points for all of 2023. He beat that in four quarters on Sunday. It helps when every other player on the 49ers offense is out…

Through three weeks, Allen is the highest scoring QB in all of fantasy. But in second place? That’s the legendary passer Sam Darnold, whose Minnesota Vikings are 3-0. He has thrown eight TDs this year, after tossing nine over the last two years combined. And Sunday’s win brings his career record up to 24-35. Go figure.

“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Washington, -1.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Dallas, -3.00 pts — on Ant’s bench

1st place: (tie) Las Vegas, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Jacksonville, -4.00 pts — on my bench

1st place: (tie) Cincinnati, -4.00 pts — started by Jeff  

Second week in a row that the Dallas defense was worth negative points. Last year they were the top ranked defense with 189 fantasy points. They’ll have to average almost 13 points a game to match that total over the back half of the season

On the season, the Dallas defense is ranked 27th out of 32 teams, just one point ahead of the Panthers (who have the same record as the Cowboys, for those keeping score at home). The Raiders beat the Ravens last week but lost to the Panthers this week. The Cowboys lost to the Ravens this week. Therefore, by the transitive properties of sports, the Cowboys are actually worse than the Panthers. Too bad they managed to squeak out a win against the Browns in week 1.


** At halftime of the Thursday night game, Amazon host Charissa Thompson welcomed the viewing audience with this:

“It has been a dream half for New York tonight — Aaron Rodgers throws his first TD as a Jet and his team leads 14-3.”

Ignoring the fact that the game took place in New Jersey and not New York … is that really a “dream” half? The Patriots totaled 40 yds of offense and the Jets led them by just 11 pts (and had missed a last-minute FG just a few seconds earlier.) Rodgers’ passer rating for the half was 116.7, which is great, but not really dreamlike. He was 40 points away from being perfect.

Maybe Charissa just has much calmer dreams than the rest of us? Or she thought that New York is a concrete jungle where dreams are made eh?

** ESPN had a story Saturday previewing the Cowboys/Ravens game that noted the contest would feature two RBs “closing in on 10,000 yds rushing.” The first, Derrick Henry, entered Sunday needing just 368 yds to reach the mark, and had 151 against the Cowboys. He’ll likely reach the mark before November.

The second, Ezekiel Elliott, came into the game needing 1,040 yds to reach 10K.

That’s not “closing in” on 10,000 yards rushing.

That’s 10 percent short. That’s looking at it far off in the distance. It’s imagining the possibilities of reaching that mark. It’s a hypothetical, not a certainty. Elliot is averaging 21 yds a game this year and has collected 1,095 yds rushing over his last 27 games. At best, the earliest he could reach the mark would be sometime late in 2025, and that’s only if he more than doubles his recent output.

By the way, Elliot had 6 yds rushing on three attempts Sunday, putting him on the verge of 10,000 career rushing yards. Just a mere 1,034 left.

Playoff baseball is on the way next week. And when the NL East champion Phillies come up to bat during the postseason, you may notice something a little different.

MLB officials announced last week that all players’ batting helmets throughout the playoffs will feature an ad from the German apparel company Strauss. The deal is for four years of postseason play, and financial terms were not announced.

Some may call this a short-sighted cash grab, but this move helps expand the opportunities for these struggling sports franchises to finally make some money back. And once these helmet ads become normal, it’s clear what the next steps will be in each league:

** Forehead ads for baseball players — If Taco Bell is going to give everyone a free taco when a player steals a base in the World Series, shouldn’t they get to show off their brand as the player steals the base? Imagine Bryce Harper’s hair flying in the wind, unveiling a large “Live Mas” logo as he slides into second. That’s quality ad spending.

** Offensive lineman butt ads — NFL broadcasts routinely show the QB’s view on replays, and the biggest unused areas are the rear-ends of the very large linemen protecting the passer. Why not make that space useful? Imagine how well a Target ad would play there without being a distraction on passing plays.

** NHL glass wall ads — The walls surrounding the ice in hockey games should be plastered with profitable ads, but the NHL continues to foolishly leave that area clear just to allow ticket holders a better view of the action. But how long is that a viable plan? Time to start stickering over and letting in-stadium fans follow the action on their phones, like they’re supposed to.

** Jason Kelce sleeping time ads — Sure, the former Eagles center is already in every ad possible while he’s awake. But what about the six to eight hours while he’s unconscious? Why not give him branded blankets, branded pillows, and a 24/7 camera to maximize his advertising value? With enough creativity, his snores could even be remixed into a new Wawa ad.


The Cowboys have had a lot of poor performers early this season, but their special teams players aren’t among them. K Brandon Aubrey on Sunday booted a 65-yard FG, the second longest in NFL history. He’s 10-for-10 this season and has made his last 15 in a row from over 50 yds.

But what did the Dallas coaching staff see in him when they signed him last year that hinted to the player he’d become? Was it his work ethic? His leg strength? No. It was simply the message that his name spelled out that made them know he was the perfect fit for the team:

Dallas Kicker Brandon Aubrey
** A rock-eyed, LSD barbarian lunk

You’ve got to be a pretty dim bulb for the other barbarians to call you a lunk.

** I swept all three games different Dad and I had in our weekly picks, so now I’m up one for the year. This battle so far is just like the back-and-forth game between the Eagles and Saints: low scoring and kinda difficult to watch.

** I don’t even know how to make fun of this: North Carolina lost 70-50 to James Madison on Saturday. Yes, that is a football score. And, yes, North Carolina is in the trop FBS division, but James Madison is not. That means that not only were the Tar Heels shocked in a massive upset by a lower division team, but they also paid James Madison $500,000 for the privilege of getting their heads kicked in. Football is a wonderful game.

** The Eagles are only in second place, by the way. the Maryland Commies are technically in first, since they also have a 2-1 record but boast a division win.

** The Phillies are NL East champs, just in case you missed the news.

Week 3 standings

1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 371.58 pts
2 — Jabronis (Ant), 362.03 pts
3 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 352.90 pts
4 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 351.14 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 348.05 pts
6 — Kodos for President (Jo), 346.16 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 333.97 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 333.18 pts
9 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 331.51 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 282.57 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 265.62 pts
12 — Dawk’s Greatest Hits All of Them (Paul), 261.45 pts

We’re finished another week and suffered through another complete rewriting of the standings. Jeff jumps from second to first. Bob’s team fell three spots. Ant moves from five up to two, while Mom D leaps from 10th to fifth. Jo falls behind me for the first time this season, giving me the household bragging rights.

The only spots that didn’t change were out bottom two, but Paul did update his name from “Let’s Go Union” to a tribute to the greatest safety in NFL history. Sadly, that didn’t result in a better performance, but it does make the other end of the leaders chart look better.

Just 41 pts separate first place from ninth. That’s like one good week from Saquon Barkley. It’s still anyone’s game.

This week, the Cowboys and Giants play on Thursday night, the Eagles play a second Sunday in a row, and we get two Monday night games again, for reasons. Now is the time to dump those loser Jaguars and Bengals players and start refining the roster for the real start of fall football.