On base at Fort Awesome

Tuesday, September 30, 2025

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 4 recap

After an impressive win over another potential Super Bowl contender, the Eagles are 4-0. They keep winning and winning and winning. So it’s time to talk about it.

Does it feel like a jinx to talk about this openly, so early in the season? Sure. But this team always comes out on top, no matter what. They escaped with a win last week over the Rams even though it seemed impossible. They just can’t seem to lose. They are 20-1 in the last calendar year, and a season is only 17 games long.

It’s tempting fate to even mention that record, but when you think of the potential achievement involved, it’s irresponsible not to discuss it. It’s NFL history. The Eagles were 5-0 two years ago and almost got there. It’s an accomplishment that would upend decades of what fans thought could even be possible.

So I’m predicting it, right here right now. It’s within this team’s grasp. When you look ahead at the schedule, you see a path on how the birds can get there.

Yes, my friends, I firmly believe that this season, given the team’s talent, coaching and luck, the Eagles have what it takes …

.. to win the NFC East again.

Think about how crazy that would be. No team has won back-to-back NFC East titles since 2004 (when it was the Eagles winning their 4th division title in a row). But Jalen Hurts already has his team up two games on the second-place Commanders. It looks like 11 wins could be enough to secure the division title. That’s just seven more victories in the next 13 games.

I know they can do it. After all, it’s not a ridiculous goal like expecting them to go undefeated for the season.

QB: Dak Prescott, 36.96 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Romeo Doubs, 24.97 pts — on the waiver wire
RB: Ashton Jeanty, 31.93 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Dallas Goedert, 16.47 pts — on Dad’s bench
K: Cairo Santos, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Detroit, 20.00 pts — started by Mike
D: Tuli Tuipulotu, 13.50 pts — on the wire

OK, the much-hyped rookie Jeanty finally had a big breakout game. But much more interesting was the #2 RB on the week: Current Steelers RB, former Eagles RB Kenneth Gainwell, who rushed for 99 yards, caught six passes for 65 yards, collected 49 return yards and scored two TDs, all career highs. For the season so far, Gainwell is the #13 fantasy RB, despite going undrafted in most leagues. Number 12, with just 4 more points? Gainwell’s former running mate, Saquon Barkley.

Tuli Tuipulotu was a second-round pick of the Chargers and is the cousin of Broncos safety Talanoa Hufanga. Their extended family is the reason for the West Coast’s current vowel drought.

“Actual players” edition

2nd place: (tie) Dylan Sampson, -0.20 pts — started by Ant
2nd place: (tie) Kyle Williams, -0.20 pts — on Paul’s bench
2nd place: (tie) Joshua Dobbs, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Kyle Allen, -0.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Gardner Minshew, -0.30 pts — on the wire

Full disclosure: I’ve been wondering for three weeks how no position players have scored negative points so far this year. I initially chalked it up to more conservative playcalling and good luck. But the actual answer? Yahoo dropped the minus sign from its stats pages. So right now, Minshew is listed at 0.30 pts for the week, even though he had two kneeldowns for -3 yards in his only time on the field.

Don’t worry, I’ve reminded myself that Yahoo AI is always working against logic, and everything is back on track.

For the record, the worst position player in fantasy so far this year is backup Dallas QB Joe Milton, worth -0.36 pts. And the worst defense is … Dallas, at -4.00 pts. But, hey, Prescott was the best QB this week, so I’m sure that all evens out.

** The Cincinnati Reds went 33-32 in games since the All-Star break, just the 12th best record of any team in Major League Baseball.

And yet somehow that was more than enough to overtake the New York Mets, who had the best record in the league on June 12 and were up 5.5 games in the NL East, only to go 38-55 the rest of the season to miss the playoffs by a single game.

That would be the saddest baseball story I had ever heard … if it was anyone but the Mets. It’s just funny to see them collapse again and again and again.

** On the Kelce’s New Heights podcast last week, Colorado football coach Dieon Sanders said that both the Ravens and Eagles made overtures about drafting his son, Shedeur, in the middle rounds of the NFL draft last spring. But the family opted against that route, because they didn’t want Shedeur stuck behind established, all-Pro QBs.

“How in the world can somebody fault him for saying or thinking, ‘Why in the world would I go back up [them] for 10 more years?’ Who comes in with that mindset?” the elder Sanders said.

So, how’s that working out? Sanders is currently 3rd on the Cleveland Browns depth chart, behind starter Joe Flacco (former Baltimore QB). He was fourth in line before the Browns moved former Eagles backup QB Kenny Pickett before the start of the season. But, hey, I’m sure the mediocre former college passer will get the pro level coaching he needs from the Cleveland staff, where they’ve churned through 11 different starters in the last four years.

Best of luck to you, young man!

** The Sixers started training camp last week, and PF Paul George was asked about his mindset going into this year:

“Last year was tough, one of the toughest seasons I’ve ever been a part of,” he said. “Not just from a team standpoint, but from just a personal standpoint. But you know, again, from a motivational standpoint, it can’t get no worse than last year, right?”

A few hours later, SG Jared McCain tore the UCL in his right thumb during a workout. I can’t wait to see what the next curse George puts on a teammate before the NBA games even start.

Obviously, we’re all rooting for the Phillies to pick up another World Series title. But if the Fightin’ Phils can’t get the work done, why not link your rooting interest in October to each city’s proper sports season? Here’s a quick review of how each baseball playoff team stacks up in terms of their football fandom:

** Milwaukee Brewers — Sorry, but Packers fans are already obnoxious enough. Wisconsin doesn’t need more reasons to be full of its cold self.

** Chicago Cubs — Feels like they could use a distraction from the disappointment that is Caleb Williams so far.

** San Diego Padres — Chargers fans already have perfect weather, they don’t need good football or baseball.

** Los Angeles Dodgers — The Rams are getting more hateable each year, but not quite as hateable as the Dodgers themselves.

** Cincinnati Reds — Awwww, poor Bengals fans. I’d say it’s OK to root for them but I don’t think either team has anyone who can throw.

** New York Yankees — No.

** Boston Red Sox — Double no.

** Detroit Tigers — Lions fans are getting a little big for their britches, especially given that they live in a hockey city. Stick to what you’re good at.

** Cleveland Guardians — Poor Cleveland. If you have to watch the Browns, you deserve some baseball luck and blessings.

** Seattle Mariners — This city wasted the “Legion of Boom” nickname on football players instead of home run hitters.

** Toronto Blue Jays — The only NFL team that plays in Canada are the Bills, but even if their fans are tortured, I think baseball in the snow is just a silly idea.

After decent regular season success but little postseason achievement in recent years, the Cowboys franchise opted to change their coaching staff this year in the hope of producing positive change. And after failing to land anyone competent from outside the organization, the ownership promoted offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer to the top coaching post. Officials hoped he could bring a new, professional system to the franchise, a more honest approach to training and discipline, and a plan to revitalize the team’s spirit.

Obviously it won’t work, because just look at what the letters in his name clearly spell out:

New Dallas Head Coach Brian Schottenheimer
** Ethics? Bad call, nerds. We cheat, I am on heroin. Ha!

It is tough to bring significant change to an organization when illegal drug use is a prerequisite for hiring, as it has been in Dallas for the last few decades. But, gotta stick with the gameplan.

** Finally, a rebound week: I went 2-0 against Dad in the picks this week to go up three for the season. Not sure why he thought that betting on the Panthers was a good idea, but they only lost by 29, so he was close.

** I’ve been playing Madden 25 a lot lately, and I haven’t had a chance to share how realistic the game is. Last night, I was controlling the defense, and Jalen Carter made a fearsome bull rush to plow through the offensive line and come barrelling at Baker Mayfield. But just as Carter dove, Mayfield slipped to the side, unscathed, and threw the ball out of bounds. The computer refs immediately called roughing the passer, even though Carter never made contact with the QB. It’s just so, so spot on to how the real-life game looks and feels.

** In case you missed it, the league is considering sanctions against fans after abhorrent behavior towards opposing players this weekend. There was constant heckling, cursing about opponents’ family members, and even a thrown beer that hit the wife of one player. And I for one think Philadelphia should be ashamed by that kind of … oh, this was in New York? During the Ryder Cup golf event? Ah, nevermind. No need to dwell on a few bad apples, then.

Week 4 standings

Family Cup standings
House Doyle: 10-2
House Shane: 5-7
House Garrity: 5-7
House Quinn: 4-8

It’s worth noting that Team Doyle’s second loss of the year was self-inflicted: Mike beat up on his own daughter to claim first place in the league as the only remaining undefeated team. Ollie and Lexi are still just one game back, giving their house a ridiculous early lead in the standings. The Emma+Dad team got another brutal defeat this week — we had enough points to overcome seven other teams in the league, but not Jim, who posted the highest single-game score yet of 168.70 pts. For comparison, the matchup between Grandmom Shane and Tommy produced only 180.46 pts combined between the teams.

Awesome Cup standings
1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 552.63 pts
2 — City Hands (Mike), 492.76 pts
3 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 464.31 4 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 460.50 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 454.57 pts
6 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 450.49 pts
7 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 447.83 pts
8 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 426.75 pts
9 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 419.70 pts
10 — The B Sharps (Paul), 400.25 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 369.53 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 336.94 pts

The good news is that I’ve opened a pretty impressive lead over the field this early in the season (almost 60 pts!) The bad news is that I may have killed my All-Pro QB (Lamar Jackson) to get to this point. Still, as the only team to top 500 pts so far on the season, I’m enjoying the strong start.

The two biggest changes in the standings this week were both tumbles down the rankings. Dad went from third to seventh after a rough outing, and Bob slipped from sixth to ninth. The big riser on the week was Mom D, who got huge points from Drake Maye and Omarion Hampton (two players I am confident she had never heard of before this week) to hop up into fifth.

Bye weeks start this Sunday, and there’s another overseas game. So check those rosters early and often to make sure you’re squeezing everything you can out of these players.

Tuesday, September 23, 2025

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 3 recap

I know it seems like that last-second FG-block-returned-for-a-score couldn’t be any crazier/funnier/better, but consider:

** The Eagles were favored by 3.5 in that game. That means as the Rams lined up for the field goal attempt, bettors with money on LA had to assume that they were getting paid with either a miss or good attempt … right up until DT Jordan Davis started running free down the field.

** That final sprint to return the block by Davis was the wildest TD run by a big man since … well, we don’t know, actually. According to NFL stats, the 336-pound lineman reached 18.59 mph on his run, the fastest time ever recorded in an pro football game for a player over 330 pounds. But they’ve only been tracking that stat since 2017, so there's a slim (get it? slim!) chance that some other monster of a man ran faster.

** The last time the Eagles came back in a game where they trailed by 19 or more points? That would be 2010, when the Eagles came back from a 21-point deficit against the Giants. Oh, and that game ended with another last-second non-offensive TD — WR DeSean Jackson’s incredible punt return for the Miracle at the New Meadowlands.

** The last time the Eagles blocked two field goals in the same game? 1975, when the Eagles squeaked by the Giants 13-10 on a late field goal by well-known kicker Horst Muhlmann.

** Eagles coach Nick Sirianni conceded late on Sunday that Davis made the wrong call in running the ball back, since falling on it would have ended the game without the danger of a fumble or other bizarre outcome. But Sirianni also acknowledged that Davis “would probably get the play of the game” anyway, because, c’mon.

QB: Caleb Williams, 37.12 pts — on Jo’s bench
WR: Tre Tucker, 32.73 pts — on the wire
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 30.77 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Hunter Henry, 22.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
K: Chase McLaughlin, 21.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: Minnesota, 31.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Isaiah Rodgers, 22.50 pts — on the wire

Sam got 52 fantasy points out of his defense and kicker alone, which is insane. Most of that big Minnesota points total is courtesy of Rogers, who had three tackles, two pass defenses, two forced fumbles, a fumble recovery for a TD, an interception returned for a TD. He was in the top five of all non-QB player scoring, outshining WR AJ Brown (16.27 pts), RB Christian McCaffery (16.07 pts) and WR CeeDee Lamb (dead).

One player he didn’t beat was Raiders WR Tre Tucker, who had eight catches for 145 yds and three TDs on Sunday. Oh, and his team lost by 17 to the Commanders.

Shout out to the 12th best QB on the weekend: Minnesota backup QB Carson Wentz, who threw for 173 yds and two TDs in his first meaningful start in almost two years. He wasn’t even the best former Eagles player in that game (Isaiah Rodgers won a Super Bowl with the Eagles last year, remember?) but good for him for sticking around this crazy league.

And he had a better week than former Eagle C.J. Gardner Johnson…

“Remaining defensive” edition

3rd place: (tie) Dallas, -3.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
3rd place: (tie) Las Vegas, -3.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (tie) Cincinnati, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Orleans, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Tennessee, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Another week with multiple awful defenses, including the Titans becoming the latest team to hit rock bottom (35+ pts allowed, no sacks or turnovers). For the season so far, both the Cowboys and Dolphins have a total of -3.00 fantasy pts, meaning you have been worth more as a defensive starter in fantasy (0.00 pts) than those two “professional” franchises.

Not on the list of bad fantasy news: the Panthers’ defense, which scored 27 pts this week, good enough for the second best start of the week. Last year, through 17 games, Carolina’s defense totaled just 20 fantasy points. But I guess the Falcons really, really didn’t want to pile onto the poor guys, and let them throw a shutout this week.

** During the Bears/Cowboys game on Sunday, with Dallas down 31-14, QB Dak Prescott faced a 4th and goal from the five-yard line with just five minutes left in the contest. With the game in the balance, CBS commentator Tom Brady — one of the best ever to play the QB position — gave this insight into what Prescott was thinking:

“What you’ve got to run here is your best play. Whatever is going to get you a score, that’s what they need here.”

Wow. Such wisdom. Such a grasp on the position.

Sadly for the Dallas fans, Prescott ignored Brady’s advice and opted for his own best play: A backbreaking interception in the end zone. Maybe next time.

** During that Eagles comeback victory, with the Eagles facing third and 10 in the shadow of their own end zone, radio color commentator Mike Quick similarly gave his opinion of what needed to happen next:

“This ball has to go to AJ Brown. He’s your best playmaker. He has to be involved.”

And the Eagles … did that. And it worked. Because it’s AJ Brown.

It wasn’t stupid that Quick said that simple, obvious play. It was stupid that it took 2.5 games for the Eagles to remember that AJ BROWN IS AWESOME and maybe they should try that simple, obvious play and force the ball to Brown if the rest of the offense isn’t working. Because he’ll fix it.

Anyways, shout out to Mike Quick, who saw that the Eagles could not figure out the most clear-cut move and yelled down the answer from the booth.

** Excerpt from a Washington Post brief on Monday morning titled “Steelers Defense Falters Again”:

“The final score of the Steelers 21-14 victory over the Patriots concealed what has been a major issue early in the season: Their defense has not played like it needs to play. The team forced five turnovers, two of which came inside their own 5-yard line … But it’s not sustainable for Pittsburgh to let teams move the ball up and down the field. Pittsburgh’s defense is built to be elite, and it has barely been mediocre”

I get that the normally solid Steel Curtain is allowing a lot of yards right now, but I feel like complaining that the defense was soft after a game where they had FIVE turnovers is maybe a little demanding. I guess a sixth interception would have made them elite.

** Eagles QB Jalen Hurts is on pace to rush for 23 TDs this year (four through three games). That would break the scoring record for a quarterback, currently held by … Jalen Hurts (15 in 2023).

** Rams WR Puka Nacua is on pace for 164 receptions this year (29 through three games). That would eclipse the record of 149 set by WR Michael Thomas in 2019.

** The Colts are on pace to punt six times this year (one punt through three games.) That would shatter the record for fewest punts on a season held by the 1982 Chargers (23 punts), which was set over nine games due to a strike ending the season early.

** Titans QB Cam Ward is on pace to be sacked 85 times this year (15 sacks through three games). That would break him, and break the record set by Hosuton QB David Carr in 2002 (76 sacks).

** The Cowboys are 1-2 and on pace to miss the playoffs. That would match Dallas’ worst season since … last year, when they went 7-10 and missed the playoffs.

The Cowboys selected LB Shemar James in the fifth round of the NFL draft last spring in the hopes that he could help shore up the middle of their defense. The knock against him in the pre-draft process was that he never had enough consistency and discipline to be a premier run-stopper, but the Dallas coaching staff was confident they could overcome those flaws.

And the results so far? The Cowboys remain one of the worst defenses in football. That’s no surprise, given what the letters in James’ name spell out:

Dallas rookie LB Shemar James
** Mr. hero ball: Lad is a mess, a joke

Remember, you can’t spell “Shemar” without “shame,” and there’s plenty of that going around the Dallas franchise.

** So much for my hot start — Dad went 3-0 against me in the picks this week, so I’m now up just one for the year. I did pick Dallas to beat the Bears, though, so I was happy to lose that one.

** Just one week left in the MLB season, and if the Phillies can win all six of their final games, they can finish at 98-64, which is … a really good record. Three years in a row of 90+ wins already. So that’s fun.

** Math time: Browns beat the Packers by 3, Packers beat the Lions by 14, Lions beat the Bears by 31, Bears beat the Cowboys by 17. So if the Browns play the Cowboys, logic says that Cleveland should win by 65 points.

Week 3 standings

Family Cup standings
House Doyle: 8-1
House Shane: 5-4
House Garrity: 3-6
House Quinn: 2-7

The Wisconsin clan is starting to open up a sizable lead on the rest of the league, but it comes with a caveat — they haven’t had to play each other yet. Almost half of Team Shane’s games have been internal family fights, including Pop Shane’s defeat of his granddaughter this week. Jonathan continues to dominate, with a 55-point lead over the second highest scoring team. The Garritys and Quinns still have a lot of work ahead, but the season is still young.

Awesome Cup standings
1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 404.62 pts
2 — City Hands (Mike), 361.77 pts
3 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 348.15 pts
4 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 343.68 pts
5 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 335.08 pts
6 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 332.32 pts
7 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 318.98 pts
8 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 317.12 pts
9 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 298.86 pts
10 — The B Sharps (Paul), 294.87 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 274.80 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (joel), 252.05 pts

Bob led the pack this week and drove up the chart, but just about everything else in the standings stayed the same. Well, not everything — I did increase my first-place lead just a little more.

Jeff still has not managed a single point from a kicker yet this year, which makes his 107-pts total this week all the more impressive. Joel has managed 1 pts from his three weeks of defensive player starts. Jonathan’s team continues to be stuck in the middle. Jo continues to hate Bo Nix.

Alert for this week — Our first Sunday morning overseas game pits the Steelers and the Vikings in the Dublin Classic (usually a Dublin classic involves a green suckerpunch to the back of someone’s head). And there’s a Thursday game as always. So check those rosters early, and make sure you’re not leaving any points on the sideline.

Tuesday, September 16, 2025

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 2 recap

Consider the 2025 Eagles so far:

** The Eagles had five offensive players ranked inside the top 60 of the NFL 100 list at the start of the season.

** Through two games, the Eagles have as many tush-push plays (9) as pass attempts towards WR AJ Brown (9).

** Bengals backup QB Jake Browning had nearly as many passing yards in three quarters Sunday (241) as Jalen Hurts has on the year (253).

** The Eagles are 28th of 32 in offensive yards per game, just behind the 0-2 Jets and 0-2 Dolphins.

** The Eagles are 2-0.

All of this begs the question: What are the Eagles doing right now? Is the offense really this bad? And if it is, how are they still winning?

The answer all comes back to coach Nick Sirriani. What do we know about him? He’s a winner. He’s passionate. He’s fiercely defensive about his players. And above all, he’s always just slightly unhinged, hinting that he might be suffering from mental problems.

I think it’s all connected. I think Sirriani heard the criticism all offseason about Hurts not being a top-10 QB, about the tush push being unsportsmanlike, about the Eagles being unlikely to repeat. And his response has been to punish everyone outside of Philly with unwatchable games.

“Don’t like our offensive strategy? We’ll do more short-down runs and passes!”

"Bend but don't break defense is back on the menu!"
“A pass-first league? We’re reverting to the 1930s, baby!”
“Prime time games all over? Hope you like to watch us grind down opponents and win, because our fans just want the Ws.”

I think Sirriani has gone from mad scientist to just mad. Can the Eagles use Brown and WR DeVonta Smith better? Sure. Will they? Nah, we’ll just force you to watch boring, technical play. And despite that Eagles will still win, because they’re just better than everyone else. Sirriani heard everyone celebrating the Chefs' loss in the Super Bowl, didn’t hear enough praise of the Eagles, and thought “I want to be so successful and hated that no one remembers our opponents' names.”

It's a coaching heel turn. The Eagles are 18-1 in their last 19 games. Make sure to appreciate that, because coach Nick doesn’t want any casual fans in America to enjoy it anymore.

QB: Jared Goff, 43.96 pts — started by Bob
WR: Amon-Ra St. Brown, 30.87 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 26.83 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Tucker Kraft, 17.27 pts — started by Jo
K: Brandon Aubrey, 22.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Atlanta, 24.00 pts — on the wire
D: Roquan Smith, 12.00 pts — started by Mom D

Jared Goff had five TD passes on Sunday and five incompletions. So, yeah. New Jersey Giants QB Russell Wilson passed for 450 yds, Lamar Jackson had four passing TDs, but neither was within 7 fantasy pts of Goff.

Similarly, Giants WR Malik Nabers had nine catches for 167 yds, Bengals Ja’Marr Chase had 14 catches for 165 yds, but neither had the three TDs that St. Brown pulled down, so they end up on the “close to top performers” list instead.

The #2 kicker on the week was Falcons K Parker Romo, signed off the practice squad just days before kicking five FGs and an extra point. On Monday, he was sent back down to the practice squad, presumably to save a few bucks. Football can be cruel.

“Getting defensive” edition

4th place: (tie) New Jersey Giants, -1.00 pts — on the wire
4th place: (tie) Dallas, -1.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
4th place: (tie) Indianapolis, -1.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (tie) Denver, -2.00 pts — started by me
3rd place: (tie) New Jersey Jets, -2.00 pts — on Ant’s bench
2nd place: Cleveland, -3.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
1st place: Chicago, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Rough, rough week for defenses all around: Only seven had double-digit points, and these seven were all negative points. But a special shout out to the Bears, who gave us our first bottoming-out performance of the season, allowing 52 points and failing to collect a turnover, a sack, or any sign of life.

No QBs scored negative fantasy points this week, but we did have our first set of QB performances that were worse than your personal effort on Sunday.

Just a reminder, if you throw a single pass incomplete into the ground, your QB rating is 39.6. Raiders QB Geno Smith couldn’t beat that on Monday night, throwing three picks and zero TDs against 180 yards passing for a rating of 37.0. Vikings QB JJ McCarthy was just slightly better, tossing two picks and no TDs against 158 yds passing for a rating of 37.5.

It’s never a great sign when the stats say your team would have gotten better QB play if you simply hadn’t shown up.

** In the waning moments of the Eagles win on Sunday, Kansas City DT Chris Jones was heard taunting QB Jalen Hurts as he lined up for the victory kneel down. “You didn’t even have 100 yards!” he yelled (even though Hurts actually had 101 passing at that point).

This apparently was a sick burn, because … maybe Hurts has himself on his fantasy team? I dunno. The game was essentially over, and Jones’ team had lost their third game in a row. But I guess the stat lines are important too.

For his part, Hurts barely looked at Jones while yelling back, “We (bleeping) won the game, shut your ass up.” Then he knelt down, ended the game and left the field. Perfect response, no notes.

** Tampa Bay was facing a fourth down at midfield while clinging to a four-point fourth-quarter lead when ESPN announcer Joe Buck noted that the upcoming drive for the Houston Texas would be a key moment. But a moment later, the Bucs offensive line broke down, a Texans linebacker came up the middle, and Buck exclaimed, “The Texans block the punt and THEY HAVE THE BALL!! Huge play!”

Well, yes. It was a punt play, so the Texans were going to end up with the ball. The key point was that they got it around midfield instead of deep in their territory. But Buck didn’t emphasize that. Maybe he thought the punt would just sail out of the stadium and the game would end?

** ESPN Headline: “Tart fined for slapping Travis Kelce”

Look, I know dealing with sports celebrity can be a lot, but if the NFL wants to bring more women viewers into the mix, they can’t be using old-fashioned slurs to demonize female fans. And why was Kelce even interacting with angry fans during the …

Oh, Chargers' DT Teair Tart. Fine for a helmet hit on Kelce. Got it. That one’s on me, folks. My apologies.

Week 2 was brutal for quarterback injuries. With the 49ers QB Brock Purdy already sidelined after week 1 with a shoulder issue, Bengals QB Joe Burrow suffered a torn toe ligament, Jets QB Justin Fields got a concussion, Vikings QB JJ McCarthy rolled on his ankle and will miss time, and Commanders QB Jayden Daniels may miss time with a hyperextended knee.

But the list doesn’t stop there — several other starting signal callers are under observation right now because of potentially serious medical issues:

** Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes: Still trying to recover from hurt feelings at the Super Bowl.

** Browns QB Joe Flacco: Dealing with geriatric arthritis.

** Panthers QB Bryce Young: Has to play for the Panthers, which is hazardous to your health.

** Saints QB Spencer Rattler: Unclear if he is a real person or a made-up TV character.

** Cowboys QB Dak Prescott: Concerns over his perpetual choking.

One of the most jarring sights of the new football season has been watching former Eagles RB Miles Sanders donning a Cowboys uniform. Sanders has had a rough go since leaving the birds nest (and the Eagles haven’t exactly missed him, thanks to Saquon) but becoming a backup for the squad of evil feels like a step down too far for the former respected halfback. But for Dallas, the move seemed to make sense, given their complete lack of a running attack.

That is, unless you really look at what the letters in that sentiment spells out:

Miles Sanders plays for Dallas now
** Spry lad. Fall wins? Nada. More losses

Poor Miles. Maybe he can get work as an assistant coach after the Cowboys record collapses this season.

** I’m 27-5 in my picks through the first two weeks of the NFL season, yet somehow I lost a point in the standings in the contest against Dad this week. He picked two of those five losses correctly, and now sits four behind for the year. Although I still have no idea how Denver lost that game.

** The Eagles are over .500 as a franchise for the first time in history. What a time to be alive. Hopefully they can beat the Rams on Sunday and give themselves a one-game cushion before they head to Tampa Bay in week 4, where they will lose by 40. The stupid Buccaneers are Jalen Hurts’ kryptonite.

** Last time the Phillies clinched two consecutive NL East titles after a division drought? 2007-2008. The first year was a disappointing loss in their first playoff series (sorta like in 2024). The second year was a World Series title. Just saying.

Week 2 standings

Family Cup standings
House Doyle: 5-1
House Shane: 3-3
House Garrity: 3-3
House Quinn: 1-5

Another tough beat for Emma: Her team is fifth in overall scoring but 0-2 after running into a buzzsaw performance from Ollie. Jonathan beat up his grandfather’s team too, leaving Team Shane split on the week. All three members of Team Quinn suffered setbacks this week, while all three members of Team Doyle grabbed victories. But don’t sleep on Team Garrity yet, especially with Shelly’s undefeated squad winning convincingly for the second week in a row.

Awesome Cup standings
1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 281.05 pts
2 — City Hands (Mike), 246.20 pts
3 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 242.45 pts
4 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 238.96 pts
5 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 231.99 pts
6 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 211.76 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 210.31 pts
8 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 207.21 pts
9 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 200.90 pts
10 — The B Sharps (Paul), 186.14 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 174.47 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 167.13 pts

Big weeks for Bob and Joanna moved them up the rankings, but another solid performance by Lamar Jackson and my squad keeps me in first for another seven days. All but two teams (Paul and Joel) managed to crack 100 pts this week. Jeff scored 111.00 exactly even without a single point from kickers this season (second week he has started an inactive kicker, but different players each time!)

Mom D’s team was feast or famine: Four players with fewer than three points, five players in double digits. And Jonathan definitely still has a team, but could really use Jalen Hurts to wake up and score some fantasy points.

This week: Bill play Thursday, Eagles play Sunday at 1pm (gasp, can they do that?), Chefs face the Giants on Sunday night in what could be a hilarious end to the KC dynasty, but none of it matters because Monday night is Ravens/Lions and everybody has fantasy players in that matchup. Check your rosters early and often.

Tuesday, September 09, 2025

Fantasy football 2025 -- week 1 recap

The Eagles big opening day win on Thursday put the franchise’s all-time record at 639-639-4 in the regular season, the first time they’ve been at .500 since 1933 (when the team was 3-3-1 after the first seven games of their inaugural campaign). For perspective, here’s a few things that have happened since that date in the NFL:

** The present-day Falcons, Ravens, Bills, Panthers, Bengals, Browns, Cowboys, Broncos, Texans, Colts, Jaguars, Chiefs, Raiders, Chargers, Rams, Dolphins, Vikings, Patriots, Saints, Jets, 49ers, Seahawks, Buccaneers and Titans all launched new franchises.

** The forward pass — legalized by the NFL rules committee at the start of the 1933 season — became popular with teams as a way to improve their offenses.

** The Super Bowl was invented, and played 59 times.

** Jalen Hurts’ great grandfather was born, grew up, got married, and gave birth to Jalen Hurts’ grandfather, who grew up, got married, and gave birth to Jalen Hurts’ father, who grew up, got married, and gave birth to Jalen Hurts.

** World War II began and ended. Also, the 75th anniversary of the end of the war was commemorated.

** Dak Prescott played in zero NFC championship games.

If the Eagles can beat the Chiefs next week, they’ll be over .500 for the first time in franchise history. Well worth the wait.

QB: Josh Allen, 42.76 pts — started by Ant
WR: Zay Flowers, 19.83 pts — started by Mike
RB: Derrick Henry, 28.27 pts — started by Dad
TE: Dalton Kincaid, 11.20 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Spencer Shrader, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Denver, 15.00 pts — started by me
D: Julian Love, 10.00 pts — started by Mike

Four of the top seven players were in that epic Buffalo/Baltimore game on Sunday night. The contest also featured the #4 QB (Lamar Jackson) and a slew of other solid fantasy performances. It was also the first time a team trailed by 15 points with less than four minutes and won in regulation. Now both teams will head off to their respective divisions, where they will probably each win the next six games by boring 24-6 scores.

Don’t feel too bad that Bob didn’t start the #1 TE. Instead of playing Kincaid, he started Travis Kelce, the #2 TE, who got him 1.07 pts fewer. No real harm there.

Six QBs scored more than 30 fantasy points this week (including Colts signal caller Daniel Jones, which may be a sign of the apocalypse) but only one position player topped 20 pts (Derrick Henry). What does that mean for projections for the rest of the year? It means everyone’s team stinks. Or not. We’ll see.

“Rough start" edition

2nd place: (tie) Miami, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Buffalo, -2.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
1st place: Baltimore, -5.00 pts — started by Jeff

Two of the three worst players were also from the Sunday night game. Were there other games this weekend? Baltimore is going to end up a top five defense on the year, which will to make this week’s stat line (41 pts allowed, 1 sack, no turnovers, 22 4th-quarter pts surrendered) look even weirder at the end of the year.

Titans QB Cam Ward, the number one pick in last spring’s draft, did not score negative points this week. But for someone who played a full game, he came close: 2.48 fantasy pts total, going 12 of 28 for 112 yds. Just ew. So when you look at Broncos QB Bo Nix’s numbers for the day (8.84 fantasy pts), you should take into account that he did almost score four times what the other guy on his same field produced.

** Commercial during the Eagles game Thursday on NBC: “Ravens-Bills on Sunday Night Football, which debuts Sunday!”

Like, of course NBC Sunday Night Football debuts on Sunday, right? Except for all the times that Sunday Night Football isn’t on Sunday, like when NBC has a special edition of Sunday Night Football on Thanksgiving, or a special Saturday game. But apparently not the first Thursday of the season? That’s not a special edition of Sunday Night Football, but it’s not Thursday Night Football, because that’s owned by Amazon even though the opening game was on NBC.

So what did we watch? What day was it? Does time even have meaning anymore? Welcome back, football!!!

** During the Friday night game (also not Sunday Night Football), after Chefs QB Patrick Mahomes completed a clutch 4th down pass, announcer Rich Eisen crowed about how incredible the former MVP was playing for the night. “I know we in the media always get accused of just praising everything he does, but he just is a remarkable player,” he said.

It’s worth noting that at the time, Mahomes had thrown for 250 yds and 1 TD, and rushed for 57 more and another TD. That’s a pretty impressive game. Not as impressive as the 318 passing yds, 36 yds rushing and 3 TDs that Justin Herbert had in the same game — described as “workmanlike” by the announcers just a moment earlier — but impressive nonetheless.

Maybe the problem isn’t that you praise Mahomes too much. Maybe it’s that you don’t notice anyone else on the field while he’s there.

** Late in the 4th quarter of the Bengals narrow win over the Browns, Cincinnati lined up for an attempt on 4th and one on their own side of the field in an attempt to get Cleveland players to jump offside. It didn’t work, despite Bengals radio color analyst Dave Lapham noting that QB Joe Burrow had “great voice inflection” on the fake-out attempt.

Is that where we’re at now? “Quickness” and “vision” weren’t vague enough stats to follow? Now we’ve got armchair experts rating players’ dramatic delivery. And apparently Burrow’s was so good, that his voice work … failed.

I could almost understand the praise if he had gotten someone to jump offside. But if you’re throwing laurels just for the sake of kissing up to a player, you might as well just say “Burrow was so great out there just now, for a moment I thought we were watching Patrick Mahomes.”

Three NFL games had delays this week because of late summer storms, including the hour-plus delay for the Eagles home opener on Thursday. It appears that the NFL can’t control the weather, despite its significant wealth and complete domination of everything else in America. But there are a few small but significant precautions the league could take in the future to mitigate thunderstorm disruptions:

** All-rubber stadiums: It probably won’t provide any actual protection from lightning, but everyone will feel better about continuing play through the worst electrical nature shows. Bonus benefit: Players will really bounce off the turf after tackles.

** Avoid the path of least resistance: Lighting always looks for the fastest, easiest route from the sky to the ground. In NFL stadiums, that’s usually the Carolina Panthers’ defense. If a storm is near, be sure to put them somewhere safe for everyone.

** Change the Chargers’ team name: It’s just bad luck. Lightning probably sees that on NFL merchandise and thinks it is invited into the games.

** Get rid of football in Florida: Multiple delays in recent years have involved early-season games in the Sunshine State, where the weather is as unpredictable as intentional grounding calls. An easy fix would be to just stop playing games there. Would anyone really notice if the Jaguars and Dolphins disappeared from the schedule?

** Stop angering the weather gods: They probably hate Thursday football too. Taunting them gets you what you deserve.

The Cowboys came into the season with mixed expectations, but most pundits agreed that for the team to succeed this year, QB Dak Prescott would need to return to his Pro Bowl form. And nearly all the football experts agreed that his Thursday performance was evidence that he is back … to the same mediocrity that he is known for. Prescott finished 21 of 34 passing, for 188 yds, no TDs and no INTs. He did manage to goad DT Jalen Hurts into an ejection and generate a few pass interference penalties, but he also collected another loss.

And that’s not much a surprise to those of us who study words carefully, to glean insight from the hidden messages from the letters. Just consider the clear message in the statement below:

Another win against Dak Prescott
** Sad cage intro: Spit on that, wanker

Prescott is 76-47 for his career in the regular season, which is an amazing record for someone who can never win when it actually counts (2-5 in the playoffs over nine years). Did you know that Jalen Hurt has three times as many playoff wins as that in just four seasons?

I know you know, I just like writing it again.

** Starting off the season right — I went 5-0 against Dad in our weekly picks, with three games (Pitt, Buffalo and Tampa) decided by a combined six points. At my current pace, I’ll win our showdown by 90 games, a new record. More likely, I’ll squander my lead by week 3.

** The Eagles hitting .500 made me wonder if the Phillies (the team with the most losses in all North American sports) can ever get there. Right now their all-time record is 10,291 wins and 11,386 losses, so if they can just go 90-72 every year for the foreseeable future, they’ll get to the .500 mark at the tail end of the 2086 season. By then, the Awesome Cup will have 84 names engraved on it …

Family Cup standings

We had some significant changes to the family league this year — Instead of mostly Garritys beating up on each other, the league has morphed into a four-family feud to determine which bloodline can prove their supremacy. Our combatants are:

House Shane: Pop Shane, Jonathan, Emma/me
House Garrity: Jim, Jimmy, Shelly
House Doyle: Mike, Ollie, Lexi/Heidi
House Quinn: Tommy, Shane, Mom Shane

Given that Mom Shane could qualify as either a Shane or a Garrity, she was logically assigned to team Quinn, so it’s a perfectly balanced showdown. The title will be determined by individual team finishes combined with total family performance. So, after week 1, here’s where the families stand:

House Shane: 2-1
House Doyle: 2-1
House Garrity: 1-2
House Quinn: 1-2

Emma's Unicorn Blobfish Empire got narrowly beaten by Lexi, which should cause some hard feelings between the cousins. Similarly, Jonathan beat Ollie by a hair. The Quinn boys got manhandled by Mike and Pop, but Grandmom Shane got a measure of revenge for Team Quinn by defeating Jimmy. Shelly defeated Jim in the only intra-family contest of the week, which means that Team Garrity couldn’t go 3-0 no matter how hard they tried, but it’ll all even out in the end. I think.

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 157.96 pts
2 — City Hands (Mike), 142.53 pts
3 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 132.51 pts
4 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 123.59 pts
5 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 122.15 pts
6 — Still The Best (Jonathant), 98.97 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 90.67 pts
8 — The B Sharps (Paul), 88.13 pts
9 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 79.87 pts
10 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 77.08 pts
11 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 68.07 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 56.13 pts

Remind me again, Yahoo AI, how bad my team is going to be this year? My “revenge against the boy” tour began strong this week, thanks to big performances by Lamar Jackson, WR Emeka Egbuka and Bijan Robinson. Mike and Pop were just a few catches behind. Our returning champ just missed hitting the 100-pts mark, but it looks like he’s just laying in wait for the right time to strike.

And in the bottom half? Jo does not like Bo Nix at all. Bob has the best name but the worst wideout room of the first week (AJ Brown, Tee Higgins, Devante Adams combined for less than 10 pts). And Jeff started a kicker on injured reserve, so that’s not ideal.

One week down, 17 more to go. No bye weeks next week, but there is a Thursday game and two Monday games and maybe a secret midnight game, so check the schedule and get your teams sorted out.

Tuesday, September 02, 2025

Fantasy football 2025 -- preseason rankings

The teams are all set, and the league title has essentially already been wrapped up. I mean, we can still play all the games, but here’s how the season will play out, based on my advanced analytics assessment of the teams:

All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)

Yahoo ranking: 1861.38 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 1657.07 pts, 12th place
Joel didn’t really earn this ranking, because his team looks half decent. WRs Ja'Marr Chase and Ladd McConkey have too many extra letters in their names but should pull down lots of points this season. RB TreVeyon Henderson could be a sensation, and also keeps the team trend of weird mid-name capitalizations going. TE Brock Bowers should return to Pro-Bowl form again. But if you finish at the bottom of the standings for the season, you’ve got to prove your worth the next year before you get a higher projection.

The B Sharps (Paul)

Yahoo ranking:1856.86 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
I can’t project any team with Saquon Barkley — he who rushed for the most yards in NFL history last year — to finish last. But second to last? It’s possible. Paul, who used to call his team “I love WRs,” managed to draft two suspended wideouts (Jordan Addison and Rashee Rice) and a third who is out for at least a month (Brandon Aiyuk). That only gives him one healthy pass catcher, not including his two mid-draft tight ends (also not great). Still, he’s got two solid defenses (Iggles and Packers) and Joe Burrow passing behind a solid corps of runners, so this team could surprise.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)

Yahoo ranking: 1889.05 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
On one hand, Jeff’s team has WR DeVonta Smith, plus great RBs in Jahmyr Gibbs and Chase Brown. On the other hand, he’s got QB Dak Prescott — a well-established loser — and a kicker who is already on the IR (Jason Sanders). Will Jeff replace the kicker before the season starts? Will he have to rely on Michael Penix Jr. as his team’s primary QB once Prescott chokes? Will anyone in the league figure out how to say RB Bhayshul Tuten’s name (my guess: Bay-shoe Toot-ing)? Too many questions here to rank this team any higher.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)

Yahoo ranking: 1836.60 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
This team has a solid QB in Baker Mayfield and three quality wideouts in Amon-Ra St. Brown, Brian Thomas Jr. and Marvin Harrison Jr. And the running backs? I’m willing to bet Mom D has never heard of any of them (Tony Pollard, Omarion Hampton, Rachaad White, Tyler Allgeier). She also has four players already listed as questionable for week 1. They’ll probably be fine in the end, but the specter of injuries abounds. Mom also drafted two defensive players — S Dell Pettus and CB Brandin Echols — that I am 100% certain are just spelling errors. No chance they are real people. I mean, I know it’s fantasy football, but we’re supposed to follow real players, not just jumbles of letters.

City Hands (Mike)

Yahoo ranking: 1806.47 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1999.96 pts, 8th place
Mike has the all overhyped team this season, and it’s not even because he ended up with multiple Cowboys. QB Jayden Daniels is primed to be this year’s big fantasy bust, after an incredible rookie campaign. WR Garrett Wilson is a good receiver without even an average QB. The Detroit defense? They sure didn’t look good in that playoff loss to Daniels. And a RB corps of Zach Charbonnet, Travis Etienne Jr. and Jerome Ford is the answer to the question “who are three RBs who might not combine for 10 carries a week by October?” Still, WRs Nico Collins and Courtland Sutton are intriguing. If Mike can channel his inner Quint for coaching, this team could land a big fish.

Vert der Ferks (Anthony)

Yahoo ranking: 1958.50 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2001.77 pts, 7th place
This is a solid, solid team. QB Josh Allen,potentially six fantasy relevant wideouts led by Justin Jefferson and Puka Nacua, some underrated juice in RB Chuba Hubbard. So why am I ranking them so low? As always, Ant’s team has one fatal flaw, and this time it’s Dallas TE Jake Ferguson. For a change, the issue isn’t that he accidentally drafted a Cowboy — that’s easy enough to fix. No, the problem is there is zero chance that Anthony remembers the dude’s real name and starts calling him “Turd Ferguson” for the entire year. That’s the kind of distraction that can derail even the best laid coaching plans. Might as well just change the team name to “Celebrity Jeopardy” and call it a day.

Still The Best (Jonathan)

Yahoo ranking:1801.46 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 2095.45 pts, 6th place
Did Yahoo just rank the two-time Awesome Cup champion as the second-worst team in the league? That’s incredible disrespect for what this young coach has accomplished. Sure, he’s relying on bounce-back years from Jonathan Taylor (drafted only because of his first name) and Stefon Diggs. But this team has QB Jalen Hurts and WR Terry McLaurin. It has reliable TE Evan Engram. It doesn’t have anyone from the Jets. Surely, the bottom of the rankings cannot be where this team is destined to finish.

Schwarbombs (Jo)

Yahoo ranking: 1790.42 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2095.47 pts, 5th place
The disrespect continues. Yahoo’s AI completely ignores Joanna’s strategic skills and remains focused on small but coachable gaps in her roster. QB Bo Nix? Primed for a leap this season. WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba? Sleeper to lead the league in receiving yards. Three other potential Pro-Bowl wideouts? Unconventional, but workable. RBs D'Andre Swift and Isiah Pacheco? I mean … anything is possible, I guess.

The Fightin Pickles (Sam)

Yahoo ranking: 1979.82 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
Same has a fine team … on paper. QB Patrick Mahomes and WR Ceedee Lamb look poised to put up solid numbers this year … on paper. An RB tandem of Bucky Irving and Alvin Kamara works … on paper. But that’s not enough to build a real champion. Fantasy football isn’t played on paper. It’s played on … well, it’s actually played on a computer screen … but it’s really played in the hearts and souls of the combatants. And that’s where this team is lacking. Also, I just kinda want to root against Mahomes and Lamb all year.

Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome)

Yahoo ranking: 1821.49 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 3rd place
I’m sorry, Yahoo AI, but what is it you think is weak with this team? Is it the perennial MVP candidate QB in Lamar Jackson? Is it the two fantasy stud RBs (Bijan Robinson and Kyren Williams)? Is it the pair of rookie sleepers in TE Tyler Warren and WR Emeka Egbuka? Or is it the top-ranked fantasy defense? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, YAHOO? It’s worth noting that after I replaced my two defensive players with better options on Tuesday morning, the AI overlords suddenly revised their rankings to mark me as the 4th best team. So their predictions are all an exercise in nonsense, unlike my scientifically rigorous methods.

One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop)

Yahoo ranking: 1939.36 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2244.32 pts, 2nd place
Look, I’m as surprised as you that I like Dad’s team. But there are actual running backs on the squad for a change — Derrick Henry, De’Von Achane, James Connor. I think WR Tyreek Hill could be in line for a big comeback. I think the Rams defense is a sneaky point getter. And I see QB Brock Purdy as … well, he’ll be fine for fantasy, even if he’s completely overrated as a winner. My only real reservation is that Yahoo thinks Dad is poised for a good season too, which is always a kiss of death. But, there’s a first time for everything.

Goederts and Monsterts (Bobert)

Yahoo ranking: 1894.72 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2317 pts, 1st place
Our best team name also gets the albatross of the top ranking in the league again. Bob is rolling out to the gridiron with WR AJ Brown, WR Tee Higgins, RB Christian McCaffery, WR Davante Adams and TE Travis Kelce. Is there a chance all five could be injured beyond repair by week 4? Yes! But there is also a chance at greatness. QB Jared Goff is solid if not exciting. RBs Joe Mixon and Quinshon Judkins could provide mid-season depth. And WR Luther Burden III puts an extra suffix on the squad, which is always a bonus. The vibes are great around this team, which is why Bob has no chance of winning this season. Sorry, man. Better luck in 2026.

There you have it, folks. The Eagles open the season on Thursday evening, so get your roster squared away by then. We’ve got a Friday game too, then a few Sunday games, and then the calendar roulette that is the NFL season. Buckle up, because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Tuesday, August 26, 2025

Fantasy football 2025 -- draft order announcement

The Who Needs Linebackers fantasy league is officially back for its 24th season, and that number could not be more meaningful as we head into another six months of gridiron showdowns. For you see, since this league was formed way back in the early 2000s, the Philadelphia Eagles have appeared in four Super Bowls, and won two of them. I like to think our symmetry is a mathematical celebration of the Iggles excellence.

Two is also the number of consecutive titles for our defending Awesome Cup champion, a young man who still cannot drive but can apparently steer the direction of our entire league. One more win would be historic, giving him the first threepeat in league history and tying him for the most championships all time in the league record book. So, it’s time to buckle down and stop the boy, because he is already getting a little too full of himself.

Before we get to the fantasy strategery, it’s time for the official fantasy league draft order announcement. For everyone who forgets how this highly scientific process is handled, here are the rules established a whole year before our defending champion was born.

The name selection is being handled again this season by the youngest member of Fort Awesome, a true Eagles fan who is wearing a birds hat and waving an Eagles wand that was present AT BOTH EAGLES SUPER BOWL PARADES (that is a phrase that exists now). Since all our coaches can’t be here to witness the picks live, proxies in the form of trading cards of 2024 Super Bowl winning players have been procured to stand in for everyone.

Every year this dumb process ends up screwing me personally (and often benefitting the boy) but I have my brand new Saquon Barkley jersey T-shirt nearby and a veneer of optimism that only a Super Bowl trophy ceremony can sustain through the offseason.

Our vintage Eagles helmet has the first four names stirred around inside, and the first slip out of the hat belongs to …

Pick #12 — Jo

Ooooh, last year’s second-place finisher (by just 14.32 pts!) slips down one spot in the draft order and will pick last in the first round. Her representative, a Kenneth Gainwell Panini Instant Super Bowl LIX Champions card (valued at $2.99), falls forward for a short gain.

Jo again asks why she needs a proxy if she’s actually in the room, and whether her second child thinks she’s getting any dinner tonight after that pick. We press on, confident in the system. Another name goes into the helmet, and the next name out is…

Pick #11 — Jonathan

Wait, it’s not me? It’s always me first or second. Instead, the reigning champ moves up only a single spot in the draft order instead of his customary seven or eight. His stand-in, a Prizm A.J. Brown Red No Huddle (valued at $9.50), glances down at his copy of “Inner Excellence” to calm his disappointment.

The boy looks towards me to ask why he also needs a representative if he’s even closer to the action than his mother, but thinks better of it. He’s lucky I won’t throw the Awesome Cup at his head. Next name goes in, and the next victim out is …

Pick #10 — Grandmom Linda

Our draft selector is once again seriously concerned about what all of these moves will mean for her upcoming birthday presents. Her concerns are ignored, much like the Chiefs offensive line was ignored by the Eagles rushers again and again and again in the Super Bowl.

Mom slips down one spot in the draft order, but that’s not a big deal for her proxy, a Rookies Phoenix Jeremiah Trotter Jr. card ($4.74 on Ebay right now). Did you know that Trotter has more Super Bowl rings than his father, and he’s only been in the league for one year? We keep chopping our way down the list, and the next draft order pick goes to …

Pick #9 — Mike

Another coach slips in the draft order. Someone is benefitting from this, but I can’t quite figure out who. Mike’s deputy for tonight’s announcement, a Kenny Pickett Super Bowl LIX Champions card (marked down to $17.75 now), remains as calm and cool as you’d expect from a Super Bowl winning QB.

Did you know that the Eagles traded Kenny Pickett for a 5th round draft pick this year, and the Browns have already traded him to the Raiders for another 5th round draft pick next year? Did you care? We’re leaving the past in the past, and that means putting another coach into the helmet, and pulling out the next drafter …

Pick #8 — Ant

Another coach who fell down, this time two spots, thanks to this ridiculous draft system. Who came up with this idea anyways? Luckily, Ant barely notices the slight because his stand-in, an All-Rookie Team Cooper DeJean card (also $17.75, somehow not more valuable than Kenny Pickett), is re-enacting his championship game pick-six with a candy bar and a collection of Barbies with better tackling range than the Chiefs.

The second child asks if we can stop this madness and continue playing with the Barbies. Her pleas are again ignored, and we head onward…

Pick #7 — Bob

Exactly where our 2024 top-6 finisher should be picking. Finally, logic prevails for a moment. The Doctor’s representative here is the Dagger himself, a Honeycomb Mosaic DeVonta Smith card (going for $55 at the moment), who promptly runs in the other room and snags a backbreaking touchdown for team Bob.

The vibes are so positive this squad that Yahoo AI has already predicted he will win the league this year. Which means Bob has just been eliminated from contention in the league. So sad. Tough break this early. Maybe our next coach will do better …

Pick #6 — Pop

Dad finished in the bottom four last year but will pick in the middle of the first round anyways. Seems like nearly everyone moved down a spot this year, without anyone getting a real benefit. Dad’s proxy, a $20 dancing Eagles hamster, responds to the draft order announcement with a subtly subdued rendition of “We Are The Champions.”

Jonathan asks why his grandfather doesn’t get a trading card for this exercise. I blame Dan Marino and quickly move to the next name …

Pick #5 — Sam

Hold on, I’m starting to realize what’s happening here, and it’s not great news for Sam. His Fightin Pickles squad finished in the bottom three last year, but he’ll have to settle for the #5 pick. What he won’t have to worry about is subpar representation: His stand-in is a coveted, $300 autographed Prism Decal Tanner McKee card, because who wouldn’t pay big money for the card of a third-string QB? Imagine how much that card would be worth if McKee still had 10 fingers.

Speaking of 10 fingers, we use two to drop another name in the helmet, and then the next name comes out …

Pick #4 — Jeff

Jeff actually moved in a positive direction here: He finished fifth worse in 2024, but has the fourth best pick now. He is represented by a man always moving in a positive direction: an Alien Case Score Jordan Mailata card (just $100, because Jordan is just one-third the size of McKee, I guess?).

Both Jeff and Jordan are known for their singing voices — just make sure to ask Jeff to belt out a rendition of “Fly, Eagles, Fly” for you next time you see him. Not right now, though, because we still have three names left…

Pick #3 — Joel

Oooooh, that one stings a bit. Joel has finished last in the league for two straight years, but he gets shut out of the top two picks this year. But his representative — a Red & Blue Prism Shock Nakobe Dean card, valued at just $1.75 — is familiar with the third round, because that’s where he was drafted. He's also familair with disappointment, on account of his injury last year, and still ultimate success and bliss, given that he will always be a Super Bowl champion. That's inspriration for any team.

Joel’s misfortune is someone else’s gain, but I still can’t quite put my finger on it. Onto our final two draft picks…

Pick #2 — Capt. Awesome

OHMIGAWD THIS IS THE GREATEST DRAFT PROCESS EVER! THIS IS WHY I PRAISE THIS SYSTEM YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR!

Incredibly, my name has survived 10 earlier rounds of helmet selections to steal me a top two pick in the fantasy draft. I’m speechless. I always pick in the bottom half, even when my teams stunk the previous year. I’m more excited than when I found out Taylor and Travis were getting married (which was like 10 minutes ago, so…). My representative leaps up in the air in excitement. Of course, my proxy is the coveted $650 Reverse Backward Hurdle Saquon Barkley card, so he’s always up in the air. But still, it’s a great moment for everyone. And by everyone, I mean me, and possibly the impartial name selector who will now get presents for her birthday.

Just one name left in the helmet, so our top pick goes to …

Pick #1 — Paul

This marks the third time in the last five years that Paul will get first crack at the draft board. Here’s hoping this is the season he is inspired to actually set his roster week to week and compete at a championship level. His avatar for the draft is #1 himself — The Pre-Historic Mammoth True Color Match Jalen Hurts card, yours for only $699.99. Worth every penny for a chance to honor the Super Bowl MVP properly.

And it's appropriate too, given the ... mammoth weight on Hurts' shoulders as QB ... and his thick hide ... and ... honestly I have no clue what I'm looking at here. $700 for a dinosaur QB card? Whatever. Hurts is awesome no matter what.

***

We’re all set, folks. The draft order is getting put into the system and it’s time to get your player rankings squared away. Now is the time to pick a new team name, start taunting your fellow coahces and block all those Cowboys from getting on your roster. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime after Saturday morning (Aug. 30) so don’t delay.

Here’s looking forward to another fun fantasy season and a second consecutive Super Bowl win for the Eagles.