On base at Fort Awesome

Tuesday, October 08, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 5 recap

The New York Jets fired coach Robert Saleh on Tuesday after a disappointing 2-3 start to the season. Defensive coordinator Jeff Ulbrich was named the interim head coach, but it’s unlikely that title will change into a permanent appointment.

The turmoil in the Jets locker room is a reminder that the team’s coaching post remains one of the worst jobs in football. The franchise has a .339 win percentage since the start of the 2014 season, and has overwhelming geography challenges that seem insurmountable. Consider:
** The Jets aren’t the best football team in New York state: That title belongs to the Bills (.599 win percentage in the last 10 years).

** The Jets aren’t the best football team in their own state: They actually play in New Jersey, and the top football team since 2014 in state is the Princeton Tigers (.700 win percentage).

** The Jets aren’t the best regional green and white football team: The Philadelphia Eagles far outdistance them over that same span (.568 win percentage).

** The Jets aren’t the best regional team that rhymes with “bets”: The Brooklyn Nets boast a .441 win percentage over the last 10 years. The New York Mets have a .510 mark over that span.

** The Jets aren’t the best regional team forsaken by God himself: The New Jersey Devils have a .433 win rate since the start of 2014.

** The Jets aren’t the best Jets in North America: The Winnipeg Jets have a .538 win percentage over the last decade.

** The Jets aren’t the best football team in their own stadium: They share their New Jersey home with the Giants, and that floundering franchise is still better than the Jets over the last decade (.371 win percentage).

It’s hard to attract good coaching talent when you’re not the best at anything anywhere.

QB: Joe Burrow, 43.78 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Ja'Marr Chase, 30.37 pts — started by Mike
RB: Tank Bigsby, 24.47 pts — started by Joel
TE: Tucker Kraft, 19.87 pts — started by Dad
K: Younghoe Koo, 17.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: New Jersey Giants, 19.00 pts — on the wire
D: Pat Surtain II, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Stupid New Jersey Giants.

Burrow leads the league in TD passes with 12 and also leads the league in losses with four. It’s almost as if fantasy football isn’t the same as real football. I’ll have to look into that.

Coming in at the #2 spot in the top QB performances was Kirk Cousins (42.36 pts), who tossed four TD passes in the Falcons’ win on Thursday night. It was also “Matt Ryan Night” in Atlanta, notable because Cousins broke Ryan’s single-game passing yds mark in the win, with 509. No better way than to impress your new team than to embarrass one of its legends.

By the way, Lamar Jackson had 4 TDs and 41.42 fantasy pts and only gets the bronze medal on the week. And 11 different receivers had at least 100 yds. Just some crazy, crazy scoring.

“Carolina” edition

3rd place: Tommy Tremble, -1.03 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -2.00 pts — on Mike’s bench
1st place: Carolina, -5.00 pts — on the wire

Tommy Tremble plays TE for The Panthers and Tossed out a Thud of a game This week, with one catch for seven yds and a fumble. On The positive side, he did better than his Team’s defense, and Thankfully has The perfect name for alliteration.

The Eagles defense recorded no fantasy points this week because of their bye, which made them the fourth-worst play in football among defenses this week. Shout out to the Ravens, who won their game and had nothing but good fantasy marks until their -1.00 pts line this week, when I had to start them in my pay league. Jerks.

** In case you were worried that the Eagles’ bye week would mean that there would not be embarrassing Philly football to talk about this week …

In the UConn/Temple game, the Huskies kicked a FG to go ahead of the Owls 23-20 with less than four minutes to play. Temple got the ball back, drove down the field and had a fourth-and-goal from the one-yard line with three seconds left in the game. Rather than go for the tie, they pulled out a city classic: The Brotherly Shove. Executed properly, it would give them a 26-23 comeback win.

Instead, they fumbled the ball, and UConn returned it 99 yards for the game-ending TD.

There’s just something about Philly teams and obvious field goals.

** Ahead of Sunday’s slate of games, CBS analyst Adam Schein predicted that Bills QB Josh Allen “will have the single best game of his career today.”

We all get it, talking heads make bold predictions that often miss just to get attention. But the audacity of this one was special, because Schein then posted a graphic of Allen’s previous “best” performance — 308 yds passing, 66 yds rushing, 5 total TDs in a 2021 playoff game. And then he still insisted that Allen would put up even better numbers against the Texans this week.

Schein was close: Allen only missed it by 12 rushing yds, 277 passing yds and 4 TDs. The Bill’s QB had a mediocre day of less than 190 total yds and a single TD. And Schein will be allowed back on TV again next week, because ignorance is always welcome in pregame shows.

With the Eagles off this week but the Phillies still playing, it only seems right that the birds lend a hand to their friends across the street for the next few days. Here’s a look at where some of the best Eagles athletes could maybe pitch in on the baseball diamond:

** Catcher Devonta Smith: This one seems obvious. With his wideout skill set, Smith can reel in nearly any errant pitch and would bring elite speed to the position.

** Third baseman Quinyon Mitchell: The rookie QB has shown he has good instincts and quick reaction time. Sounds like a natural at the hot corner to me.

** Designated hitter Lane Johnson: I don’t know if he could play the field. But he’s a team leader, an important morale guy, and if all 325 pounds of him gets into a pitch, watch out.

** Closer Jalen Hurts: He’s giving away the football at an alarming rate, so he would fit in perfectly with the Phillies’ relievers and problems of surrendering runs in the playoffs.

** Center Fielder AJ Brown: Making tough catches on the run? Jumping above the outfield wall to rob a homer? The only concern is he’s likely to run through a stop sign on the basepaths.

** Starting Pitcher Saquon Barkley: I dunno. No teams seem to have an answer for him right now. So let’s see if he can blaze a few pitches by folks at the plate.

One of Dallas’ big free agent signings this summer was RB Ezekiel Elliott, who previously starred on the team from 2016 to 2022. Elliot was a 1,000-plus yds rusher four times in his previous stint with the team, but was let go after the 2022 season amid concerns he had lost a step. But just one year later, with the Cowboys in need of rushing help, they brought their former Pro Bowler back to rejuvenate the running game. Will the reunion work?

Of course not. He’s washed up, and just looking at the headlines after his signing clearly spelled that out:

Dallas Cowboys resign RB Ezekiel Elliott
— A sterile old geezer, a wobbly tic. No skills.

Elliott just missed the 100-yard mark on Sunday, finishing with 98. Of course, that’s 98 through the first five games of the season, not in a single game. But however you can get to the century mark is exciting.

** I made a mistake last week — Dad actually only won three of four against me, meaning he was up one for the season, not four. But then he picked up another one this week, so now he’s up two. So he won the week but ended up one game closer in the standings than I gave him credit for last week. It’s very confusing, but here’s the important take away: Just kick the field goal and take the points.

** Dad also ended my undefeated season in the Garrity Family league this week, so a double pox on him. More condolences to Shelly, whose team posted 160.62 pts … only to lose to Jim by eight. She would have beaten Dad by 52 points, but gets a loss regardless.

** Gawd, I hate the Mets.

Week 5 standings

1 — Jabronis (Ant), 631.89 pts
2 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 617.35 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 592.32 pts
4 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 580.04 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 579.96 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 575.91 pts
7 — Kodos for President (Jo), 575.67 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 558.99 pts
9 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 550.20 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 488.34 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 474.83 pts
12 — Happy 20 Jenn (Paul), 454.80 pts

Ant becomes the first manager to stay in the top spot for consecutive weeks this season, but it was Jonathan’s big 152.75 week that stole the headlines. Last year’s champ jumps from fifth to second in the standings, with a little cushion over Jeff’s squad.

Six teams scored more than 120 pts, and all but two got over 100. Condolences to Bob, who fell all the way from 4th to 8th thanks to another meh week from Patrick Mahomes, and to Paul, who is celebrating a noteworthy anniversary and does not need to be concerned with his team’s plummet down the charts.

We’ve got a big NFC West matchup on Thursday night (49ers vs. Seahawks) which could eliminate San Fran from the postseason already (they would be 2-4 overall and 0-3 in the division with a loss) and another London game on Sunday morning (Jacksonville vs. Who Cares) before the Eagles take the field again.

Both of the undefeated teams (Vikings and Chiefs) are on byes, but we do get both New Jersey teams in prime time on Sunday night and Monday night, because the NFL hates you and wants you to feel bad. Get those rosters ready early.

Tuesday, September 24, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 3 recap

Forget the result of Sunday’s game — it’s clear the Eagles have a serious coaching problem, and there is only one logical solution.

Through three games this season, Nick Sirianni’s coaching decisions have directly resulted in four missed field goal opportunities and twice unnecessarily handed the ball to the opposing team with a chance to surrender the lead. His moves have already cost the Eagles one-third of their games. In a division that might be decided by a single victory, that kind of leadership is unforgivable.

Meanwhile, Eagles management (and fans) believe that the team has championship-caliber talent, but it isn’t being used correctly on the field. With multiple track stars on offense, why is the team constantly running TE screen plays? Why has QB Jalen Hurt regressed severely over the last 20 games? Why doesn’t this team beat up on lesser teams anymore?

The answer, of course, is poor coaching. And there’s already a known way to address that in Philadelphia. It’s a big move, but we all know deep down it’s the right one.

It’s time to fire Nick Sirianni mid-season and hire Rob Thomson to get this team to the Super Bowl.

Look, I hear what you’re saying. “But Thomson doesn’t know football. You can’t put him in here.” Wrong. Thomson, whose team won the NL East this week, knows how pro players think. He rejuvenated a locker room full of struggling stars and inspired a fan base. He has taken his team to the playoffs three straight years. He knows how to win and how to use the talent around him.

“But Rob Thomson already has a job. He can’t do both.” Wrong again. The Phillies wrap up their season this week. They have already won the NL East. That final series against the Natinals isn’t important. Thomson can start with the game against Tampa this week, while the Phillies are coasting. Then the Eagles have a week 5 bye, just as the Phillies are starting the division series. Sure, there may be a game in late October where Thomson has to decide which team he’ll oversee, but that’s what assistant coaches are for. It’s a minimal inconvenience for a big payoff.

“But Thomson doesn’t want the job. This is just ridiculous.” Gawd, do you ever get sick of listening to yourself being so wrong? When Thomson signed a one-year extension last December, he said he wanted to coach as long as Philadelphia wants him here. He didn’t say “only if the Phillies want me.” He’s a team player and a team motivator. He’s gonna do what Philadelphia needs him to do. He’s the hero we need, not the hero we deserve.

For the good of the city, I expect Sirianni’s resignation by Wednesday and for Thomson to walk across the street after the Cubs’ series ends Wednesday night.

QB: Josh Allen, 38.92 pts — started by Dad
WR: Jauan Jennings, 35.17 pts — on the wire
RB: Saquon Barkley, 31.30 pts — started by me
TE: Cole Kmet, 17.47 pts — on the wire
K: Wil Lutz, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 22.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Jaire Alexander, 10.50 pts — on the wire

Just how improbable was Jennings’ posting the top wideout score of the week? He had 11 catches for 175 yds and three TDs in the 49ers loss to the Rams on Sunday. Last season, he had 19 catches for 265 yds and one TD. That’s 31.17 fantasy points for all of 2023. He beat that in four quarters on Sunday. It helps when every other player on the 49ers offense is out…

Through three weeks, Allen is the highest scoring QB in all of fantasy. But in second place? That’s the legendary passer Sam Darnold, whose Minnesota Vikings are 3-0. He has thrown eight TDs this year, after tossing nine over the last two years combined. And Sunday’s win brings his career record up to 24-35. Go figure.

“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Washington, -1.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Dallas, -3.00 pts — on Ant’s bench

1st place: (tie) Las Vegas, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Jacksonville, -4.00 pts — on my bench

1st place: (tie) Cincinnati, -4.00 pts — started by Jeff

Second week in a row that the Dallas defense was worth negative points. Last year they were the top ranked defense with 189 fantasy points. They’ll have to average almost 13 points a game to match that total over the back half of the season

On the season, the Dallas defense is ranked 27th out of 32 teams, just one point ahead of the Panthers (who have the same record as the Cowboys, for those keeping score at home). The Raiders beat the Ravens last week but lost to the Panthers this week. The Cowboys lost to the Ravens this week. Therefore, by the transitive properties of sports, the Cowboys are actually worse than the Panthers. Too bad they managed to squeak out a win against the Browns in week 1.

** At halftime of the Thursday night game, Amazon host Charissa Thompson welcomed the viewing audience with this:

“It has been a dream half for New York tonight — Aaron Rodgers throws his first TD as a Jet and his team leads 14-3.”

Ignoring the fact that the game took place in New Jersey and not New York … is that really a “dream” half? The Patriots totaled 40 yds of offense and the Jets led them by just 11 pts (and had missed a last-minute FG just a few seconds earlier.) Rodgers’ passer rating for the half was 116.7, which is great, but not really dreamlike. He was 40 points away from being perfect.

Maybe Charissa just has much calmer dreams than the rest of us? Or she thought that New York is a concrete jungle where dreams are made eh?

** ESPN had a story Saturday previewing the Cowboys/Ravens game that noted the contest would feature two RBs “closing in on 10,000 yds rushing.” The first, Derrick Henry, entered Sunday needing just 368 yds to reach the mark, and had 151 against the Cowboys. He’ll likely reach the mark before November.

The second, Ezekiel Elliott, came into the game needing 1,040 yds to reach 10K.

That’s not “closing in” on 10,000 yards rushing.

That’s 10 percent short. That’s looking at it far off in the distance. It’s imagining the possibilities of reaching that mark. It’s a hypothetical, not a certainty. Elliot is averaging 21 yds a game this year and has collected 1,095 yds rushing over his last 27 games. At best, the earliest he could reach the mark would be sometime late in 2025, and that’s only if he more than doubles his recent output.

By the way, Elliot had 6 yds rushing on three attempts Sunday, putting him on the verge of 10,000 career rushing yards. Just a mere 1,034 left.

Playoff baseball is on the way next week. And when the NL East champion Phillies come up to bat during the postseason, you may notice something a little different.

MLB officials announced last week that all players’ batting helmets throughout the playoffs will feature an ad from the German apparel company Strauss. The deal is for four years of postseason play, and financial terms were not announced.

Some may call this a short-sighted cash grab, but this move helps expand the opportunities for these struggling sports franchises to finally make some money back. And once these helmet ads become normal, it’s clear what the next steps will be in each league:

** Forehead ads for baseball players — If Taco Bell is going to give everyone a free taco when a player steals a base in the World Series, shouldn’t they get to show off their brand as the player steals the base? Imagine Bryce Harper’s hair flying in the wind, unveiling a large “Live Mas” logo as he slides into second. That’s quality ad spending.

** Offensive lineman butt ads — NFL broadcasts routinely show the QB’s view on replays, and the biggest unused areas are the rear-ends of the very large linemen protecting the passer. Why not make that space useful? Imagine how well a Target ad would play there without being a distraction on passing plays.

** NHL glass wall ads — The walls surrounding the ice in hockey games should be plastered with profitable ads, but the NHL continues to foolishly leave that area clear just to allow ticket holders a better view of the action. But how long is that a viable plan? Time to start stickering over and letting in-stadium fans follow the action on their phones, like they’re supposed to.

** Jason Kelce sleeping time ads — Sure, the former Eagles center is already in every ad possible while he’s awake. But what about the six to eight hours while he’s unconscious? Why not give him branded blankets, branded pillows, and a 24/7 camera to maximize his advertising value? With enough creativity, his snores could even be remixed into a new Wawa ad.

The Cowboys have had a lot of poor performers early this season, but their special teams players aren’t among them. K Brandon Aubrey on Sunday booted a 65-yard FG, the second longest in NFL history. He’s 10-for-10 this season and has made his last 15 in a row from over 50 yds.

But what did the Dallas coaching staff see in him when they signed him last year that hinted to the player he’d become? Was it his work ethic? His leg strength? No. It was simply the message that his name spelled out that made them know he was the perfect fit for the team:

Dallas Kicker Brandon Aubrey
** A rock-eyed, LSD barbarian lunk

You’ve got to be a pretty dim bulb for the other barbarians to call you a lunk.

** I swept all three games different Dad and I had in our weekly picks, so now I’m up one for the year. This battle so far is just like the back-and-forth game between the Eagles and Saints: low scoring and kinda difficult to watch.

** I don’t even know how to make fun of this: North Carolina lost 70-50 to James Madison on Saturday. Yes, that is a football score. And, yes, North Carolina is in the trop FBS division, but James Madison is not. That means that not only were the Tar Heels shocked in a massive upset by a lower division team, but they also paid James Madison $500,000 for the privilege of getting their heads kicked in. Football is a wonderful game.

** The Eagles are only in second place, by the way. the Maryland Commies are technically in first, since they also have a 2-1 record but boast a division win.

** The Phillies are NL East champs, just in case you missed the news.

Week 3 standings

1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 371.58 pts
2 — Jabronis (Ant), 362.03 pts
3 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 352.90 pts
4 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 351.14 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 348.05 pts
6 — Kodos for President (Jo), 346.16 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 333.97 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 333.18 pts
9 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 331.51 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 282.57 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 265.62 pts
12 — Dawk’s Greatest Hits All of Them (Paul), 261.45 pts

We’re finished another week and suffered through another complete rewriting of the standings. Jeff jumps from second to first. Bob’s team fell three spots. Ant moves from five up to two, while Mom D leaps from 10th to fifth. Jo falls behind me for the first time this season, giving me the household bragging rights.

The only spots that didn’t change were out bottom two, but Paul did update his name from “Let’s Go Union” to a tribute to the greatest safety in NFL history. Sadly, that didn’t result in a better performance, but it does make the other end of the leaders chart look better.

Just 41 pts separate first place from ninth. That’s like one good week from Saquon Barkley. It’s still anyone’s game.

This week, the Cowboys and Giants play on Thursday night, the Eagles play a second Sunday in a row, and we get two Monday night games again, for reasons. Now is the time to dump those loser Jaguars and Bengals players and start refining the roster for the real start of fall football.

Tuesday, September 10, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 1 recap

Traveling overseas for a football game is never easy, but the Eagles had several positive takeaways from their trip to Sao Paulo beyond the big opening week victory. Here are the biggest highlights:

** Saquon Barkley became the leader in career TDs in the southern hemisphere: He had three, the previous high was zero. Somewhat related, there have never been any punt returns in a game south of the equator.

** The Eagles got some early cold weather prep: It’s currently winter in Brazil, so this game was really a great indication of how the birds will fare when the temperature in Philly drops this December. Sure, the gametime thermometer read 63 degrees, but the field was apparently coated in ice, causing players to slip all over.

** Jalen Hurts felt an emotional connection to Brazil’s NFL fans: The franchise QB was so moved by the team’s reception by the country that started giving out gifts right away during Friday’s game. Unfortunately, the Packers took them.

** Several players learned important phrases in Portuguese: For example, the way you spell Eagles in the native Brazil tongue is “E-A-G-L-E-S.” Try that one on at the next home game for some multicultural flair.

** No one died: No casualties for the Eagles on the field (where the turf sucked) or off the field (where the crime level sucks). And that’s exactly the kind of positive headline the NFL likes after these high-profile games. Too bad the Packers couldn’t say the same…

QB: Baker Mayfield, 37.66 pts — on Jo’s bench
WR: Jayden Reed, 26.50 pts — started by Dad
RB: Saquon Barkley, 31.43 pts — started by me
TE: Isaiah Likely, 17.90 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Jake Moody, 26.00 pts — started by Jonathan
DEF: Minnesota, 25.00 pts — started by Mom D
D: Andrew Van Ginkel, 11.50 pts — on the wire

There may have been a tie for the top points among kickers. Who cares? They’re kickers.

Shout out to Mayfield, Van Ginkel and the Minnesota defense — the only top players who actually played on Sunday, the day the good Lord intended for football to take place. Likely played on Thursday, Barkley and Reed on Friday, and Moody on Monday. Maybe next week we can get our best football on Tuesday night.

“Opening night jitters” edition

3rd place: (Tie) Cedrick Wilson Jr., -2.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (Tie) Dee Williams, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Carolina, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Maryland Commanders, -5.00 pts — on the wire

The Panthers on Sunday trailed for 57 minutes, gave up 47 pts, and didn’t force a punt until the final 2:22 of their game against the Saints. And they were still a better fantasy performer than the Commies.

The lesser Maryland franchise gave up four passing touchdowns to likely Hall of Fame QB (checks notes) Baker Mayfield, who had thrown more than two TDs in two of his previous 49 starts. The Commies have given up at least 27 points in their last nine games, and more than 30 in six of those. So, naturally, four of their first six picks in the spring draft were on offense. Good luck with that.

** In case you missed it, Friday’s Peacock cash grab … I mean, football broadcast .. was sponsored by YouTube TV. That’s sorta like the Giants buying ad space on the Commanders uniforms. “We know you’re watching this channel now, but wouldn’t you rather not be?”

The next logical step here is for Amazon to start advertising during YouTube TV ads. Maybe they can boast about the HBO movies that they now have the rights to…

** The Commanders — who have had more names (three) than winning seasons (two) in the last decade — have renamed their home stadium after former sponsor FedEx backed out of its contract with the team. After striking an eight-year deal with Northwest Federal Credit Union, the Commies are now playing in Northwest Stadium.

Northwest Stadium is still located in the northeast corridor of the United States and the south-central region of Maryland. And Northwest Federal Stadium would have made it clear that the name was a business and not a location. But why start making good decisions now?

** In the third quarter of the Cardinals/Bills game, after a pair of strong runs gained the Cardinals back-to-back first downs, Arizona radio analyst Ron Wolfey — a former college running back — cheered on the offensive game plan:

“That’s what I want to see,” he yelled. “Bring out the flat shovel and start swinging it!”

I’m lost here. Was he calling the running backs shovels? Was he implying their faces belong in the dirt? Why not throw a punch instead of swinging a shovel? And wouldn’t a pointy shovel be better, because it’s stabby?

Sadly, the next play was a forward pass — and not a forward shovel pass — and the Cardinals only managed a TD on the drive. Maybe next time they’ll open up the playbook and use the garden weasel.

** Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa is on pace for 5,746 passing yds this season (338 in Sunday’s win over the Jaguars). That would break the single-season mark of 5,477, set by Peyton Manning in 2013.

** Ravens QB Lamar Jackson is on pace for 2,074 rushing yds this season (122 in Thursday’s loss to the Chiefs). That would only be good enough for third all-time among rushers, but would far outdistance the current record for yards on the ground by a passer (1,206, set by Jackson in 2019).

** Bills DE Greg Rousseau is on pace for 51 sacks this season (3 in Sunday’s win against the Cardinals). That would obliterate the current record of 22.5, held legitimately by T.J Watt and illegitimately by Michael Strahan.

** The Denver Broncos’ defense is on pace to record 34 safeties this season (two in Sunday’s loss to the Seahawks). The record for a team in a single year is four, so they’re on pace to absolutely shatter the previous mark. With 68 points from those safeties, they’d also beat the record of points scored by a defense in a season (currently 54, set by the 1961 Chargers).

** The New Jersey Giants are on pace not to score a TD this season (just two field goals on Sunday’s loss to the Vikings) and on pace to total just 102 points for the whole year (six total points on Sunday). That would beat the previous team low in NFL history … just barely. The 1977 Tampa Bay Bucs totaled only 103 points that year, albeit in 14 games.

** ESPN commentator Joe Buck is on pace to announce 17 games this season (he announced Monday night’s 49ers/Jets game), despite all evidence that a civilized society would not allow that to happen.

One of the most impressive features of the Cowboys operations is their ability to consistently bring in the same quality of players year after year. And by quality, I mean low quality.

Take, for example, Dallas rookie tight end Marist Liufau. The third-round draft pick out of Notre Dame was viewed by scouts as a quality player with good instincts and solid character. The Cowboys selected him because that analysis is completely untrue. Just look at all the things the letters in his name clearly spell out:

Cowboys LB Marist Liufau
** A biblical wuss, fury moot
** A bombastic soul, wily fur
** A fussy bimbo, will arc out
** A slow bum, obscurity fail
** A foul blob, racy swimsuit

Of all his terrible traits, wearing a racy swimsuit may be the worst.

** Uneventful start to the year for the weekly picks with Dad. We both started 13-3, tied for the week, but one of the three I missed was the Panthers getting absolutely wrecked by the Saints (47-10). Carolina has lost 17 of its last 20 games, so why I picked them to win anything is a mystery.

** Shoutout to Dr. Bob, who helped Fort Awesome find a way to watch the Eagles game on Friday night. Unrelated, does anyone know a good lawyer who will handle stolen digital property cases?

** The 49ers inducted RB Frank Gore into their team Hall of Fame at halftime of Monday night’s game, which was an odd choice, seeing as how Frank Gore will never retire and is simply waiting to sign on for another season. In his second pro game, Gore was tackled by Eagles S Brian Dawkins during a 2005 contest. In his last game (for now), Gore snuck by Rams DT Aaron Donald for a TD in 2020. I expect to see him signed again by week 4.

Week 1 standings

1 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 150.34 pts
2 — Kodos for President (Jo), 137.30 pts
3 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 129.81 pts
4 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 128.43 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 124.56 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 120.32 pts
7 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 113.48 pts
8 — Jabronis (Ant), 106.92 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 102.70 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 97.85 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 68.22 pts
12 — Let’s Go Union! (Paul), 68.06 pts

Solid work all around this week — Six teams topped 120 pts, nine teams topped 100 pts, and a tenth just missed the century mark because of RB Christian McCaffery’s last-minute scratch on Monday night.

Leading the pack (thanks mostly to Packer Jayden Reed) after week one is Dad, followed in order by all the coaches stationed at Fort Awesome. Tough start for Sam and Paul, who didn’t manage to crack 70 pts, but it’s a long season. Even longer if you’ve got Jordan Love’s busted ankle leading your team …

Thursday’s game is the Bills vs. the Dolphins, and the Eagles don’t play until Monday night. Get your rosters set early and try to pay attention for the whole week’s slate, even if the good stuff is all the way at the end.

Tuesday, September 03, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- pre-season rankings

Our rosters for the 2024 season are set, and congrats to our next Awesome Cup champion, who has already secured the title through savvy drafting and planned wise waiver wire strategy. I’ve already figured out where everyone will finish for the season, but for the sake of fairness, we can play the season out anyway.

However, if you just can’t avoid spoilers, here’s how the fight for the trophy will play out:

Jabronis (Ant)

Yahoo ranking: 1879.24 pts, 6th place

My ranking: 1657.07 pts, 12th place

Another year, another time Ant forgot to exclude the Cowboys players from his team. So he heads into the season with QB Dak Prescott and the Dallas defense leading his squad, which might be enough for him to forfeit before this even starts. Ant’s WRs are solid (Tyreek Hill, Drake London, Nico Collins, the remains of Stefon Diggs) but he forgot to draft any RBs besides James Cook (and he’s got Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott on the bench for more “support.”) The good news is that Ant has a history of killing fantasy players, so maybe his misfortune will mean a Dallas season to remember for the rest of us.

The Fightin Pickles (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 1802.68 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
Like Ant, Sam’s team is devoid of anyone to carry the ball. He’s only got three on his whole roster, and one (RB Ty Chandler) is a backup in Minnesota. You’d think that means he has a killer passing game, but you’d be more wrong than Cris Collinsworth trying to break down an end-around play. WR Justin Jefferson should be solid, and the combination of QB Kyler Murray and rookie WR Marvin Harrison Jr. could surprise. But contract holdout WR Brandon Aiyuk? Average wideouts Michael Pittman Jr., Tyler Lockett, Jakobi Meyers backing them up? There’s a lot of meh here.

Beer ‘n Chips (Pop)
Yahoo ranking: 1961.49 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
Yahoo loves it when teams draft a QB in the first round. Loves it, loves it, loves it. Loves it like Jerry Jones loves kicking puppies. The problem is, it’s an OK strategy at the end of the first round, but a terrible strategy when you have an early pick. With the number two pick in the draft Dad grabbed the likely fantasy leader at QB this season, Josh Allen … who would have absolutely been available to him in the third round. No one else picked up a passer in the first 28 picks. As a result, he passed on all 10 of the top ranked RBs and all 11 of the top ranked WRs. In the end, his roster has decent RB depth (Josh Jacobs, Rachaad White and Kenneth Walker) but nothing in terms of WRs (his top pass catcher was WR Jayden Reed, the 35th wideout off the board). It’s a good thing Allen has people to pass to in real life, because there’s no wide receiving corps here.

Let’s Go Union! (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 1817.21 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
Hey, I found a trade partner for Dad. Paul’s team used to be named “I heart WRs” and this team shows that sentiment still lives on. Beyond evil Dallas WR CeeDee Lamb, Paul’s squad boasts Davante Adams, Chris Olave, Amari Cooper and Christian Watson as pass catching threats. RBs? Not so much. Reliable bulldozing RB Najee Harris is OK, but there are only two other backs here, and neither are starters. And putting QBs Jordan Love and Aaron Rodgers on the same roster seems dangerous, given the animosity between the two. Paul is gonna have to be a patient coach with this group.

Kodos for President (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1842.91 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1999.96 pts, 8th place
This has the makings of a good fantasy team. WRs AJ Brown, Jalen Waddle, and Rashee Rice could all eat up yards this season, and Detroit RB Jahmyr Gibbs might be the breakout back of the season. QB Jayden Daniels seems poised to win offensive rookie of the year. And TE Sam LaPorta is already a points champion at a dead position. So why such a low ranking here? Simple: There’s a major coaching problem. Jo hates the Commanders, and has to rely on three of them — Daniels, RB Brian Robinson Jr. and RB Austin Ekeler — to produce for her to win. Jo absolutely will not be able to encourage any of them, or possibly even watch them play. She also will probably want to cut Rice once she finds out about his offseason antics. So much of fantasy football success comes down to solid, encouraging coach work, and I expect a lot of Bill Cower glowers during these team meetings.

All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 1935.26 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2001.77 pts, 7th place
Yahoo see’s Joel’s team as an worst-to-almost-first story, mostly because he nabbed RB Christian McCaffery with the top overall pick. And his supporting cast is solid too: QB Anthony Richardson, WR Mike Evans, TE Trey McBride and RB Travis Etienne Jr. as a second rusher. But can Joel pull it all together? He has done it before, but that was way back in 2016, the weirdest year ever. Back he was starting RBs David Johnson and DeMarco Murray, the Cubs and Cavaliers were World Champions, and Donald Trump won the presidency. Now Chicago and Cleveland are far from playoff glory, Johnson and Murray are long gone from the field, and Trump … eh, you know what? Let’s just move on.

No One Likes Us We Don’t Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 1869.61 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2095.45 pts, 6th place
This is a high-risk, high-reward squad. QB Patrick Mahomes is no concern, but RBs Bijan Robinson and De'Von Achane could either lead the league in yards from scrimmage or both bomb out in the first few weeks. The biggest problem with Bob’s team is his wideouts. His best pass catcher is TE Dallas Goedert, and he’s wildly overrated (and possibly dead in Brazil, according to the latest injury report). WR Tank Dell is the #3 option on his own team, wideouts Christian Kirk and Chris Godwin are both coming off being dead last season. The doctor’s roster does include RB Chuba Hubbard, one of the most fun names to say in the NFL, but we’re not here for fun. We’re here for winning.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1844.28 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2095.47 pts, 5th place
I feel like Jeff — and almost every team in our league — is one more good receiver away from a great team. WR Cooper Kupp should have a solid bounceback season. But can WRs Malik Nabers, Terry McLaurin and Diontae Johnson combine into some sort of Voltron second fantasy option for this team? How would that even work? Well, first you’d take McLaurin’s head and fold his torso into the younger Nabers’ legs, while you … anyways, RBs Breece Hall and Isiah Pacheco are probably going to be two of your top three fantasy backs on the season, so as long as QB Joe Burrow shows some signs of life, this group should succeed.

Still the Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 1908.33 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
Is he still the best? Our 2023 Awesome Cup champion has a great starting lineup — QB Lamar Jackson, WRs Amon-Ra St. Brown and Puka Nacua, TE Travis Kelce — but is thin at RB (James Conner and D'Andre Swift, then some folks far down the depth chart). Last year he relied on McCaffrey and Etienne to carry him through the down weeks. This year, he’s gonna have to hope for a lot of TD passes from Jackson to WR Zay Flowers to collect double points and propel him up the standings. We haven't had a defending champion since 2015, and this campaign is gonna be a tough one for our youngest coach, since everyone is gunning for him.

Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 1911.43 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 3rd place
This is how you pull off the early QB draft pick. I snagged a top five RB (Saquon Barkley) and a top five WR (Garrett Wilson) before drafting a top three QB (Jalen Hurts) for my well-balanced squad. Throw in three more starting RBs (Aaron Jones, Tony Pollard and Gus Edwards) and the sleeper pick for TE of the year (Dalton Kincaid) and I’ve got the makings of a championship-level group. Do I have too many Eagles (three)? Yes. Do I have too many rookies (three)? Yes. Do I have Kirk Cousins on my bench, playing for his third team? Yes. Is that a lot of threes? No, it seems like the right amount for the third-place team.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 1847.14 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2244.32 pts, 2nd place
Mom D missed repeating as champion last year by a slim margin, but is back again in 2024 with another sturdy roster to try and reclaim glory. She’s got two great RBs (Jonathan Taylor and Derrick Henry) paired with two great WRs (DJ Moore and DK Metcalf) paired with an underrated TE (Evan Engram) and the underrated leg of K Jake Elliot. Her team’s only weakness? QB Brock Purdy is fine but massively overrated, and backup QB Deshaun Watson is actually worth negative points. Still, with a few tweaks, don’t be surprised if she’s back near the top again. Just not all the way at the top, because that spot is reserved for …

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 1911.70 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2317 pts, 1st place
Mike has won the league since 2020 (or even paid attention to his roster in the last three years) but this year’s squad could change all of that recent disappointment. WR Ja’Marr Chase should be great (if he plays … just give him a new contract already, Mike) and WR Deebo Samuel has been a league winner for several years now. RBs Kyren Williams, Joe Mixon and Raheem Mostert are an underappreciated trio, and TE Kyle Pitts may finally reach his potential in a new Falcons offense. Former Buckeye QB CJ Stroud is a stud, and might pass for 7,000 yards this year (which, in fairness, would hurt Mixon’s rushing yards). Like Bob’s team, this all could flame out quickly or turn into an unstoppable force. But unlike Bob, Mike has the championship credentials to inspire his team to greatness, and return to the Awesome Cup summit again.

There you have it, folks. The season is already over, but get those rosters set before Thursday’s game … and Friday’s game, and maybe Saturday morning’s game? I have no idea anymore. It’s all NFL all the time, whether you want it or not. Let’s go.

Oh, in case you forgot, here's what you're all playing for:

Tuesday, August 27, 2024

Fantasy football 2024 -- draft order announcement

Fellow fantasy football fanatics, welcome back to another season of fake gridiron showdowns that will test your wits, your prognostication skills, and your ability to remember to set your roster before those stupid Thursday games. The Who Needs Linebackers fantasy league is officially back for its 23nd season.

We are a mere 21 weeks away from the awarding of the Awesome Cup to one lucky fantasy coach and from six months of torment and frustration for the rest of the league. If you’ve forgotten how last year’s campaign ended, the trophy was hoisted by our newest (and arguably least deserving) coach, proving that anyone can shock the world. Will we see a new champion again this year? No, I plan on winning it all. But it should still be fun.

But before we get to the beatdowns, it’s time for the official fantasy league draft order announcement. For everyone who forgets how this scientific process is handled, here are the long-established rules on who gets what pick.

The name selection is being handled again this season by the youngest member of Fort Awesome, despite recurring fears that her objectivity may be compromised by the promise of better holiday presents. Since all our coaches can’t be here to witness the picks live, our defending champion insisted that Super Smash Bros characters stand in as proxies for everyone this round. Let this be a lesson to you all not to let the younger generation win again.

The first names go into the helmet, and the unlucky loser is:

Pick #12 — Grandmom Linda
Tough break for last year’s second place finisher, and an even tougher break for her granddaughter, who probably just cost herself at least a few games and outfits on Dec. 25. Grandmom’s representative at the event, Princess Peach, lets out a half-hearted “ha-cha” and floats away from the battlefield. The next name goes in, and the person who picks next is…

Pick #11 — Capt Awesome
Who came up with this stupid system anyway? Despite finishing fourth last year, I get the second-worst draft slot. You’d think after 23 years I’d have figured out a better way to rig all of this, but you would be wrong. My proxy for the event, Donkey Kong, stomps out of the arena angry. We’ll both have to take our revenge later. Onto the next victim …

Pick #10 — Jo
There really may be no Christmas presents at all for this child. That’s the third present-buying family member she has screwed over in this ridiculous system. Jo’s stand-in, Kirby, lets out a puff of air at the name picker’s head, but it peters out well short of causing damage. Perhaps if Kirby stuck with the theme and spit out a football instead, it would have made a difference. We push onward with the next name …

Pick #9 — Jonathan
Last year’s Awesome Cup champion laughs with delight as his representative, the robotic operating buddy R.O.B., spins around wildly. Last year Jonathan’s team jumped up five spots in the draft en route to victory. This year, it’s only four spots, but he has similar high hopes. God willing, we will all help crush that joy. The next name out of the helmet is …

Pick #8 — Sam
Sam picked third the last two seasons in a row, so maybe drafting too high is actually bad for his planning. His proxy, Pikachu, squeaks out his own name in response, signaling either disappointment or ambivalence. At least he didn’t try to join the Chargers and send out electricity everywhere. The process moves ahead …

Pick #7 — Mike
Mike finished sixth last year and ends up picking exactly where he deserves to, so maybe the system works? But still, this is another blow to the Christmas gifts hopes of our guest picker, who has now only helped out people who don’t help fill the stockings. Mike’s stand-in, Meta Knight, dangerously dangles his sword above the helmet in response. Another name goes in, another name comes out …

Pick #6 — Jeff
A big disappointment for Jeff , who finished 11th last year and should have been picking in the top four. But no matter: His rep, the dog from Duck Hunt, just points and laughs at us all. Touche, you mangy mutt. We are all fools for trusting this process. May the football gods have mercy on us all. The next victim from the helmet is …

Pick #5 — Bob
Dr. Bob and his proxy, Dr. Mario, diagnosed this draft position as less than ideal, since Bob finished 9th last year and should have ended up in the top four. In response, the digital doctor spikes an oversized prescription on the ground, sending pixelated medication everywhere. All these folks seem ready for a fight this year. We better move on to the next pick …

Pick #4 — Ant
Any had one of his worst finishes last season, placing 11th. But that helped him little in this exercise, dropping him two spots. On the positive side, though, this was where Jonathan drafted last year during his championship run, so maybe that good luck will carry over. His rep, Jigglypuff, jiggles in response. And, in the spirit of Ant’s team, Jigglypuff forgot to wear pants. Since we’ve got to collect them all, we push onward …

Pick #3 — Paul
Lucky number three goes to Paul, who has promised to be in game shape early this year. His representative, the Wii Fit Trainer avatar, nods and stretches in delight with the news. The girl child asks if we’re done yet and if she’s still in trouble. I tell her there’s no crying in football and to get the next name. She sadly draws out the next slip…

Pick #2 — Pop
Wow. Forget about canceling Christmas, because our name picker just found the jackpot. Pop finished second last year and should be picking 10th. Instead, our “impartial” judge managed to avoid his slip of paper for the last 11 rounds, giving him a massive advantage and giving herself a chance at a great holiday gift haul. Dad’s proxy, a 8-bit version of Dan Marino who somehow snuck out of Tecmo Bowl and into the wrong game, hurls a TD pass deep into the end zone in celebration.

Only one name is left in the helmet, so the top pre-draft prize goes to …

Pick #1 — Joel
Out last place finisher from 2023 gets the top pick in 2024. That’s … actually fair, for a change. Joel’s representative in the room, Little Mac, punches the air in excitement, then promptly turns pale and exhausted. This whole process has been a lot, after all. And there are still more than four months left in the season.

There you have it, folks. The draft order is set and it’s time to get your pre-draft rankings squared away. No complaining if you forget to put all the Cowboys and the remains of RB Nick Chubb in your do not draft list. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime after Saturday morning (Aug. 31) so don’t delay.

Best of luck to all of you in your quest to finish second.

On base at Fort Awesome

Tuesday, October 08, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 5 recap

Tuesday, October 01, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 4 recap

Tuesday, September 24, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 3 recap

Tuesday, September 17, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 2 recap

Tuesday, September 10, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 1 recap

Tuesday, September 03, 2024

Fantasy Football 2024 -- pre-season rankings

Tuesday, August 27, 2024

Fantasy football 2024 -- draft order announcement

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