On base at Fort Awesome

Tuesday, January 07, 2025

Fantasy football 2024 -- final season recap

The games are all complete, the rankings are in, and there is just one thing left for the 2024 season: The 23rd official awarding of the Awesome Cup to our champion. But before we celebrate our victor, we have to analyze what went wrong with our 11 losers. Here are the final standings:

All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)

Yahoo ranking: 1935.26 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2001.77 pts, 7th place
Actual finish: 1465.16 pts, 12th place
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Jets

Yes, people were predicting the Jets would challenge for a playoff spot this season, just like Yahoo was predicting Joel’s team would challenge for a championship. It didn’t help that RB Christian McCaffrey was pretty much a wasted pick for the whole season, or that RB Travis Etienne and QB Anthony Richardson weren’t much better. But coaching was the real issue here: Joel started at least one inactive player for each of the last five weeks of the season and two inactives for the final three weeks. It’s hard to score points with players who aren’t playing.

They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul)

Yahoo ranking: 1817.21 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
Actual finish: 1556.39 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns

The team formerly known as “I heart wideouts” boasted one great fantasy receiver (CeeDee Lamb), two wideouts who were traded midseason (Davante Adams and Amari Cooper), another who was killed midseason (Chris Olave, RIP) and another who was hurt every other week and finally euthanized in the last game of the season (Christian Watson, RIP). Other than that, Paul pretty much forgot to add any skill players to his team. He did grab the Cleveland defense in the draft, which turned into a complete disaster early. And he did get Aaron Rodgers funk all over everything. But despite the drama, the result was the same this year for Paul as it has been recently — another Browns-like finish.

The Fightin Pickles (Sam)

Yahoo ranking: 1802.68 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
Actual finish: 1802.09 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers
Sam actually gets the league’s coveted “outstanding achievement in the field of excellence award” for complaining about Jonathan’s team in his Christmas card to Fort Awesome. That’s the right way to spread holiday joy, folks — unexpected, funny moments that make you question how much time you’ve put into your hobbies. Well done, sir. Sadly, his fantasy team wasn’t as inspiring. WR Justin Jefferson was great. The Eagles defense was solid. K Harrison Butker didn’t cause too many class wars. And no one else on the team lived up to the hype. Still, there were enough moments of brilliance that this team could have been a major problem if we were a head-to-head league. We’re not, but it was fun anyways.

Beer ‘n Chips (Pop)

Yahoo ranking: 1961.49 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
Actual finish: 2027.21 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots
Called it. Yahoo loves loves loves Dad’s team every year, and it’s a total kiss of death. I think the most upsetting part is that Yahoo undershot Dad’s points total and still was nine spots off in a 12-team ranking. Pop does get a special shout out as the first team ever to break 2,000 points on the season and finish outside the top eight. There’s a world where instead of drafting Josh Allen/Josh Jacobs/Rachaad White in the first three rounds, he drafts Jamar Chase/Josh Jacobs/Josh Allen in that order and wins the league by a mile. But that’s not this multiverse, and Dad doesn’t watch the Marvel movies anyways.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)

Yahoo ranking: 1844.28 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2095.47 pts, 5th place
Actual finish: 2028.06 pts, 8th place
NFL equivalent: Las Vegas Raiders
Last year, Sam edged out Bob for 7th place by just 0.41 pts. This year, Jeff edged out Dad for 8th place by less 0.85 pts. It’s a vicious fight for every spot in the standings. Or, to quote a stupidest moment from recently, WHO SAYS BOWL GAMES DON’T MATTER ANYMORE?!? Sadly, much like a Patriots/Raiders real life showdown, this fight is just for draft order next year, as both teams are way out of the championship running. Jeff’s first three picks — RB Breece Hall, RB Isiah Pacheco and WR Cooper Kupp — all disappointed this season. Jeff had late-round wins with QB Joe Burrow and RB J.K Dobbins, but it wasn’t enough to pull this squad up to the top level.

Jabronis (Ant)

Yahoo ranking: 1879.24 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 1657.07 pts, 12th place
Actual finish: 2032.74 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks
Like the Seahawks, it felt like Ant’s team was doing well all year, and then at the end of the season we all looked at the standings and wondered why this team wasn’t in contention at all. In fairness, Ant did succeed in his personal mission for the season — sabotaging Dak Prescott and the Dallas defense by keeping them on his squad. Our coach of doom ruined both of their seasons and brought joy to all our hearts. So while the standings were not kind to Ant, he deserves a shout out for taking one for the team — nay, all of the teams across the country — and making the world a better place. But I’m still not sure why he had to kill WR Nico Collins along the way.

No One Likes Us We Don’t Care (Bob)

Yahoo ranking: 1869.61 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2095.45 pts, 6th place
Actual finish: 2053.59 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons
Just call me Nicole Beyer, because I nailed it again with my prediction. Bob had all the big names this year — QB Patrick Mahomes, RB Alvin Kamara, RB Bijan Robinson, the San Fran defense — and they all did just enough to settle in the mediocre middle of the standings. On the plus side, it doesn’t feel like Bob (or the Falcons) really did much wrong. They just didn’t do much right either. At least he did get to have the Chuba Hubbard experience this year: middling stats, exciting pronunciations. Sometimes you just gotta take what you’re handed.

Murder Hornets (Mike)

Yahoo ranking: 1911.70 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2317 pts, 1st place
Actual finish: 2124.41 pts, 5th place
NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
This season was a tough one for Mike, who I thought would be raising the Awesome Cup this year. True, he had fantasy studs WR Jamar Chase and RB Kyren Williams. But QB CJ Stroud disappointed. WR Deebo Samuel was a fraud. TE Kyle Pitts underachieved yet again. And rookie wideout Keon Coleman never materialized into anything. And the real tragedy for Mike came just last month, when Department of Agriculture officials announced that they have successfully eradicated murder hornets in the United States. After four years, his team name is no more. That’s a terrible blow, and I’d like everyone to take a moment of silence before moving to the next team recap, in honor of our fallen moniker.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)

Yahoo ranking: 1847.14 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2244.32 pts, 2nd place
Actual finish: 2128.33 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: Minnesota Vikings

A furious finish by Mom D drove her squad to a respectable finish in the standings. In week 7, she was mired down in 7th place, losing ground to competitors. But she averaged more than 161 pts a week over the last three weekends, showing the grit and determination that should serve as an inspiration to coaches at the bottom of the standings. Sure, having RB Derrick Henry bulldozing most of the league helped. But like the Vikings, she also found success with mediocre QB play (looking at you, Brock Purdy and Joshua Dobbs) and a strong defense (Minnesota, both for her team and Minnesota). In the end, neither team got a first-round bye, but did win the respect of the league.

Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome)

Yahoo ranking: 1911.43 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 3rd place
Actual finish: 2212.56 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills

I may not know much, but I do know how to analyze my own team. And I nailed my pre-season prediction for myself, and landed my point total with a 1% margin of error. For the record, I had four fantasy teams this year, and three of them finished third in their respective leagues. Much like the Bills, I’m good enough to be a contender each year, and not good enough to get over the hump. This is my sixth podium finish in the last eight years, and my league-leading 13th top three finish. But even Saquon Barkley’s 2,000-yard season wasn’t enough to bring me the title, as my team fell just 26.05 pts short of victory. What if QB Jalen Hurts didn’t get injured? What if I had started RB Tony Pollard every week instead of every other week? These are the questions that will haunt my coaching staff the whole offseason. However, this is the highest finish ever for a coach who had major invasive surgery in the preseason (Joanna finished 6th when she pulled her medical stunt), so I’m taking that as another title victory.

Kodos for President (Jo)

Yahoo ranking: 1842.91 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1999.96 pts, 8th place
Actual finish: 2224.29 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: Detroit Lions
Joanna already had the roughest finish in league history — back in 2014, she finished in 4th place, 13 points out of first, because her RB (LeVeon Bell) got injured in the second quarter of the final game of the season and didn’t give her enough points to catch the top three. This season, she pulled off another painful near miss: Falling just 14.32 pts short of first place. Who’s to say if starting a healthy wideout for three weeks late in the season instead of injured WR Jalen Waddle would have made a difference? (It would have.) Who’s to say whether trading backup QB Jayden Daniels for a good defense would have made a difference? (It would have.) Who’s to say if taking RB Saquon Barkley with her first pick would have been better than taking WR AJ Brown? (It would have.) Losing by less than 15 points is hard to swallow, but at least Jo can boast beating me by four field goals to place second in our house. Speaking of which…

Still the Best (Jonathan)

Yahoo ranking: 1908.33 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
Actual finish: 2238.60 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles
For the first time in league history, the entire podium stand is confined to a single household, and it’s only fitting that that house should be Fort Awesome (because we’re the only one with three coaches). Jonathan backed up his team name boast by winning the league in back-to-back years, though just by the skin of his teeth this time. Getting the fantasy MVP Lamar Jackson in the FOURTH ROUND went a long way to securing his victory, as did snagging the top fantasy TE (Brock Bowers) and the second-best wideout (Amon-Ra St. Brown).

But this victory was more than just draft luck. It was hard work. It was keen insight. It was having a parent who could remind you to set your roster every week and then help you pick up good players when you have no idea what to look for. In short, it was everything we have come to expect from the greats like Andy Reid, if Andy Reid also had his father on the sideline coaching him through all the coaching work.

This is only the second time in league history we’ve had back-to-back titles, so Pop has company in that elite fraternity. So let’s put his name where it belongs:

Only two more titles and the boy can tie me for the league lead. I did win another title this season — besting the Yahoo algorithm yet again, by going 8-4 in our pre-season predictions. Take that, AI overlords.

Only 241 days until the 2025 fantasy season officially starts. Thanks again to all of you for hanging around here for another year of nonsense, and don’t wait until the anagrams start again to keep in touch.

Monday, January 06, 2025

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 18 recap

Here are a few ready-made talking points for WIP callers after Sunday’s convincing, very very significant Eagles win over the New Jersey Giants:

** “I’m just saying that if Jalen Hurts is still hurt next week, I think Tanner McKee could carve up the Packers’ defense.”

** “Every Eagles team that has ever won at least 13 games has made the Super Bowl, and you could see that heart out there on Sunday.”

** “That offense looked just as good with Saquon on the bench. I’m still not sure that was money well spent.”

** “Why haven’t we seen more of Ainias Smith this season? Kid is a baller.”

** “I know they won, but Nick Sirianni should be embarrassed that the Giants made it that close.”

** “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — Sydney Brown may be the best ‘Brown’ on this team.”

** “Why did they win that game? Doesn’t this front office understand how much that helped the Giants’ draft pick? That’s gonna come back to haunt the Eagles next year.”

Top QBs of the year

3rd place: Baker Mayfield, 447.80.31 pts — 23rd QB drafted (Jo)
2nd place: Joe Burrow, 458.82 pts — 10th QB drafted (Jeff)
1st place: Lamar Jackson, 513.38 pts — 4th QB drafted (Jonathan)

Josh Allen (4th overall QB) will probably win the MVP, but he certainly wasn’t the fantasy MVP. Jackson outscored him by 88 pts and came at a much cheaper draft cost (4th round vs. 1st round). Burrow didn’t get picked up until the 7th. Maybe even more shocking, Allen got beat out for a spot on the final podium by Baker Mayfield, a 17th round fantasy draft pick. Joanna actually ended up with the #3 and #5 fantasy QBs (Jayden Daniels, 401.60 pts) and probably should have traded one. But the moral of the story? Never waste a first-round pick on a QB. You won’t win.

Top WRs of the year

3rd place: Justin Jefferson, 215.38 pts — 4th WR drafted (Sam)
2nd place: Amon-Ra St. Brown, 220.88 pts — 5th WR drafted (Jonathan)
1st place: Ja'Marr Chase, 285.57 pts — 3rd WR drafted (Mike)

Welcome to the second half of the first round of our draft. These three were the #7, #8, and #9 picks, and all of them paid off. The two wideouts before them? CeeDee Lamb (first WR taken) ended up in the top 8 in scoring, but Tyreek Hill (second WR taken) was outside the top 20. The sleeper this year was wideout Brian Thomas Jr., who ended up fourth in scoring after being the 39th WR drafted. I took Rome Odunze four picks ahead of him, and that move cost me 105 fantasy pts on the season. Ouch.

Top RBs of the year

3rd place: Jahmyr Gibbs, 320.17 pts — 7th RB drafted (Jo)
2nd place: Derrick Henry, 320.47 pts — 5th RB drafted (Mom D)
1st place: Saquon Barkley, 330.03 pts — 6th RB drafted (Capt. Awesome)

The second round was the place to find great RBs this year: Besides these three, Josh Jacobs (5th best back), Kyren Williams (6th best) and De'Von Achane (8th best) were all taken in the second round. The numbers between Henry and Barkley ended up pretty close, with the Eagles rusher finishing just 83 yds ahead of the Baltimore back (1,921 rushing yds). But that’s in large part due to Henry playing all 17 games, and Saquon sadly sitting out the finale. Gibbs’ four TDs in the finale pulled him just a hair out of second place, but he also played 17 games, so it’s just not as impressive as Barkley.

Top TEs of the year

3rd place: Trey McBride, 156.10 pts — 3rd TE drafted (Joel)
2nd place: George Kittle, 162.23 pts — 6th TE drafted (Ant)
1st place: Brock Bowers, 168.40 pts — 13th TE drafted (Jonathan)

Hello, rookie. Bowers ended up being a major steal for Jonathan, who also started Travis Kelce (8th overall TE) for most of the year. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes having that extra flex spot as a W/T instead of just another wideout really makes a difference. Bowers and McBride were #3 and #4 in receptions on the season, only behind Chase and St. Brown.

Top Ks of the year

3rd place: Cameron Dicker, 180.00 pts — 14th K drafted (Jonathan)
2nd place: Chris Boswell, 191.00 pts — undrafted
1st place: Brandon Aubrey, 178.00 pts — 2nd K drafted (Jeff)

Joanna at various points in the season had Boswell, Ka'imi Fairbairn (#4 overall kicker) and Jake Bates (#7 overall kicker). Meanwhile, Jonathan cut Dicker almost immediately and kept 49ers K Jake Moody instead, who ended up 21st in scoring. If only Jonathan hadn’t made that small mistake, maybe his team could have amounted to something.

Top DEFs of the year

3rd place: Green Bay, 156.00 pts — 20th DEF drafted (Sam)
2nd place: Minnesota, 164.00 pts — 10th DEF drafted (Mom D)
1st place: Denver, 198.00 pts — 17th DEF drafted (Ant)

Looks like we missed big on this category. The fourth-best defense was Houston, who was the 15th defense drafted by us. Of the top 10 defenses on the season, only Minnesota, Pittsburgh (#7 overall) and Buffalo (#9) were taken in our top 12 draft spots. So using that early pick to have Dallas repeat as a defensive juggernaut went for nothing.

Top Ds of the year

3rd place: Andrew Van Ginkel, 69.00— undrafted
2nd place: Zack Baun, 69.50 pts — undrafted
1st place: Zaire Franklin, 70.50 pts — undrafted

Someday we’ll draft a top defensive player, he writes for the 20th year in a row, keeping faith alive despite all logical evidence to the contrary. But what we did get is a second Eagle making an appearance in a fantasy honors category this season. So miracles can happen.

QB: Bryce Young, 42.44 pts — started by me
WR: Drake London, 29.47 pts — started by Ant
RB: Jahmyr Gibbs, 42.47 pts — started by Jo
TE: Pat Freiermuth, 15.67 pts — on the wire
K: Joshua Karty, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Denver, 20.00 — on Ant’s bench
D: Derek Barnett, 11.00 pts — on the wire

It’s not often that a RB is the top performer on the week, but Gibbs and his aforementioned four TDs managed to just outpace Bryce Young’s surprising appearance on this list.

Gibbs is a Pro Bowler headed to the postseason with Detroit. Young was assumed to be another first-round bust halfway through the year, only to turn around the narrative completely. He had 14.56 fantasy pts combined through the first seven games this season. In the last three weeks alone, he totaled 94.48 pts. He did just enough to likely convince the Panthers’ front office to keep building the team around him in the offseason, which will probably mean he’ll fall apart again next year, because this is the Panthers we are talking about.

Awww, a second appearance on the top performer’s list for Derek Barnett this season. He had two tackles, a sack and a fumble recovery returned for a TD on Sunday. In week 11, he scored 12.50 pts after another monster game. In the other 15 games this year, he averaged one fantasy point a game.

“Worst performers of the year” edition

3rd place: Carolina, 20.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Kadarius Toney, -1.02 pts — on the wire
1st place: Clayton Tune, -2.08 pts — on the wire

For the weekly worst performers list, we had three defenses again hit -6.00 pts (Atlanta, Kansas City and San Francisco). Seven teams hit the worst score possible over the last two weeks. That’s what the NFL gets for jamming in too many meaningless games instead of sticking with the 16-game schedule.

But the big news is the worst performers of the year, because there really aren’t any. Only two fantasy players ended up in negative territory: Toney, who I’ve made fun of several times, and Cardinals QB Clayton Tune, who scored -2.60 pts on week 2 and never made it back into positive territory.

So to round out our worst performers list for this year, we’ll highlight the worst defense of the year: The Panthers, who managed just 20 fantasy points on the season. The team surrendered 534 points this season (31.4 pts a game, 66 more than the next worst team), and posted negative fantasy scores in seven of 17 weeks. They scored half their points in week 10 against the Giants, the only time they hit double digits and the only time they held an opponent to less than 20 points.

Still, the Panthers were worth more than Tommy DeVito (13.48 pts) this year. So that’s something.

** After the Brown’s loss on Saturday left their season record at 3-14, DE Myles Garrett told reporters that the result was a more disappointing season than their 0-16 finish in 2017 “because of what we expected out of ourselves.”

While I appreciate the frustration, it’s pretty ridiculous of Garrett to expect anything of the Browns. They’re had three winning seasons in the last 30 years. They’re lost at least 10 games in 12 of the last 18 years. Heck, this franchise went 0-16 just a few years ago. I wonder if Garrett remembers that…

** The Washington Post extolled the Maryland Commanders last-second win over the 7-10 Cowboys on Sunday by calling it the perfect cap to a “historic” season. The history? “The Commanders finished off a 12-5 season, its most wins since the 1991 season.”

So, a franchise that has won three Super Bowls is now being lauded for the “history” of having its fifth-best record ever. Makes sense.

** The Bears front office reportedly has asked to interview former Packers coach and current Cowboys coach Mike McCarthy, because they’re looking for a leader who can’t lead his team to the playoffs but also has a history of enraging Chicago fans. Happy new year, Bears fans!

Here’s a quick recap of the 2024 Cincinnati Bengals:

** QB Joe Burrow led the league in passing yards (4,918) and passing TDs (43).

** WR Jamar Chase led the league in receiving yds (1,708) and receptions (127) and receiving TDs (17).

** The Bengals were the only team with multiple receivers with double-digit TD catches (Chase and Tee Higgins, 10).

** RB Chase Brown just missed a 1,000-yard rushing season (990).

** The team was sixth in the league in scoring and finished the year on a five-game winning streak.

** They missed the playoffs.

Every one of the Bengals eight losses this season came against a playoff team (Eagles, Commanders, Chiefs, Ravens twice, Steelers, and Chargers) except one: Their week one loss to the Patriots, one of only four New England wins on the season. If Cincy had avoided that inexplicable 16-10 upset, we’d be talking about the Bengals as the postseason sleeper team that no one wants to play. Instead, they’re on their way home to play golf.

It’s good to know that one screwy misstep in the first game of the year can end an entire season before it starts.

Next week is the start of the postseason, and one team that won’t be there is the Dallas Cowboys. After three 12-win seasons in a row, the franchise from Arlington posted a disappointing sub-.500 record and will be spending the rest of January watching good teams play for the championship. And when you break down the basics, you can see that the letters had already preordained this result:

Dallas Cowboys miss the playoffs
** Fact: Bad, showy mess flops. I say LOL.

Next season marks the 30th anniversary of the last time the Cowboys were a relevant franchise, winning more than one game in the playoffs. That was before every member of the Eagles active roster was born except for TE Dallas Goedert, CB Darius Slay, OT Lane Johnson and LS Rick Lovato. It also covers QB Tom Brady’s entire career, including his time in college, each of his Super Bowl wins and both of his retirements. But, hey, let’s give them six prime time games again next year, because people still think they matter.

** Valiant effort by Dad this week, who went 6-4 in our picks. But that wasn’t enough for him to overcome my eight-game lead coming into the weekend. I’m now 10-5 against him over the last 15 years, and mysteriously all records were lost for the time before that. For the season I went 193-79, getting 71 percent of my picks right, which may be a personal record (I’m not bothering to look it up). Onto the playoffs, where I don’t think I’ve beaten Dad in the last five years.

** So if the Eagles beat the Packers and the Bucs beat the Commanders, the Eagles play the Bucs in the second round of the playoffs. That Tampa Bay loss was the only real defeat the Eagles had this year, and it was a complete mess of a game. So, that’ll be another fun rematch to look forward to.

** OK but I think Ainias Smith may be better than Jahan Dotson.

** I know it didn’t mean anything, but I do love when the Eagles beat the Giants. After the Eagles laid down against the Commanders in the finale of the 2020 season, effectively knocking the Giants out of the playoffs, New Jersey players and staff vowed never to forget the lack of effort and to get revenge on the Eagles. Since then, Philadelphia is 7-2 against the Giants, including a win in the playoffs. That’s some sweet revenge.

The final Awesome Cup standings will be unveiled on Tuesday in the final season recap.

Tuesday, December 31, 2024

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 17 recap

We’re heading into the new year, but that doesn’t mean we have to bring all the baggage from the old year with us. Here are a few football-related things that can — nay, should — be left to the dustbin of history and forgotten in 2025:

** Prime time games for the Jets: They had six in 2024, tied for the most of any team. Maybe have one winning season before we force everyone to watch you again.

** The NFC South: Their division champion could have fewer than 10 wins for the third year in a row. I don’t ever want to hear another “NFC Least” joke when actual professional football teams there have a single down year.

** Trevor Lawrence: I understand that he was a great college QB. I just don’t think everyone else understands that he’s not a good pro QB. Their backup had as many wins as him this year.

** The new kickoff: It looks dumb. It’s not exciting. It ruined onside kicks. Either go back to the old system or just start every new drive on the 20.

** Kenny Pickett: No offense, friend. You did a fine job. But I’m also OK never seeing you on the field in an Eagles uniform again.

** Tom Brady commercials: I’ll concede he was one of the greatest QBs of all time. He is also incredibly boring as an actor or a pitchman. Stop trying to make him into a Kelce.

** More football: I’m actually OK with the amount of football in my life now. I don’t need 18 regular season games, or Tuesday games, or games broadcast only on TikTok, or games from Antarctica. I mean, maybe I’ll reconsider the last one, but the others are too much.

QB: Baker Mayfield, 44.56 pts — started by Jo
WR: Tee Higgins, 30.23 pts — started by Jo
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 26.23 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Trey McBride, 20.20 pts — started by Joel
K: Cameron Dicker, 17.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
DEF: Baltimore, 22.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: C.J. Gardner-Johnson, 11.50 pts — on the wire

One week after being the heel in a big Eagles loss to Maryland, CJGJ had two picks, a tackle and a TD against the Cowboys to help Philly secure the NFC East title for the year. Now don’t screw it up again next week, bud.

Poor Joe Burrow (42.98 pts) lost again, this time in the top performers list because of Mayfield’s five TD passes and 359 yds passing. Burrow is leading the league in TDs with 42, and he appears poised to grab the title of “best QB to miss the playoffs” for the second year in a row. He also had the most passing yds on the season and only has eight interceptions. But he also has the worst defense in football playing on the other side of the field.

Not sure what happened this week, but as a group we only owned six of the top 16 kickers on the week and only started five of them. On the plus side, Jake Elliot was fourth in scoring on the week, so good for him.

“Worst of the worst” edition

1st place: (tie) New Jersey Jets, -6.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
1st place: (tie) New England, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Indianapolis, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Dallas, -6.00 pts — on the wire

That -6.00 mark is the worst any defense can get in a game: At least 34 pts allowed, no turnovers, no sacks, no signs of life. I can’t ever remember a time when we had even three teams hit the bottom of the scoring chart in the same week, and we bested that by one this weekend.

The Colts actually gave up the most points of the group (45 to the New Jersey Giants) and were the only team on this list favored to win, so that probably wins the title for worst defensive performance of the week. But don’t sleep on the Cowboys surrendering 35 points to a pair of backup Eagles QBs (the other six points came on an interception returned for a TD, so that doesn’t count against the Dallas D). And the Chargers had only scored above 27 one other time this year, so the Patriots giving up 40 to them on Sunday is pretty poor.

Can’t wait to see what these loser teams have in store for week 18.

** During the Pop Tarts Bowl on Saturday, Miami QB Cam Ward threw three TD passes, bringing him to 158 for his collegiate career, a new NCAA record.

Well, I mean, it’s a record if you include the 71 TDs he threw in his two years at Incarnate Word, an FCS school. So it’s a record for TD passes across multiple divisions.

Well, I mean, not all divisions. Tyson Bagent threw 159 TDs in Division II from 2018 to 2022. So Ward set a Division 1 record.

Well, I mean, it’s a Division 1 record if you acknowledge that Ward was granted a fifth year of eligibility to play at Miami this year. So it’s the most TD passes at the FCS and FBS level by a player that had an extra year of eligibility.

Other than that, though, it’s a solid collegiate record to celebrate.

** At halftime of the Chargers game, coach Jim Harbaugh was asked what his team needed to do to come out victorious on the day and punch his team’s ticket to the postseason:

“We just have to play good and win,” he said. “Give it everything we got and win.”

What insight. Sure enough, deciding to win was the key to the Chargers winning on the day. Why can’t more NFL coaches figure this out?

** Despite what many blogs reported, Dallas LB Micah Parsons did not say ““if you take away the scoreboard the game would have been close” after the Cowboys 41-7 loss to the Eagles.

What he did say was pretty dumb, however.

“They had two big runs and three good deep shots,” Parsons told reporters after the game. “Other than that, we made them earn it. You take away the scoreboard, it was about five plays that decided this game.”

Well, yes, if you take away the big scoring plays, most stats do look better. If you take away Saquon Barkley’s 13 TD runs this season, he doesn’t have any rushing TDs at all.

Speaking of Barkley, with the Eagles playoff seeding set already, the team has seemingly nothing to play for next week except for Barkley’s bid to break the single-season rushing record. However, he’s not the only Philly player who could set an individual achievement next week. Here’s a look at the other teammates looking to make history in the season finale:

Zach Baun — The lightly-heralded linebacker has 93 tackles on the season, just nine short of the team record set by Jeramiah Trotter Sr. If most of the defensive line takes the day off, a 10-tackle afternoon isn’t out of the question.

Jalen Hurts — It appears unlikely that Hurts will play next week, given his recovery from a concussion. But if he does get in the game, he only needs 1,143 yds passing in the finale to set the Eagles single-season passing record. Is that possible? Against the Giants, yes.

Johnny Wilson — The Eagles rookie wideout has been used sparingly this season, but may get a bigger chance to play with the backups this week. He’s a 6-foot-6 giant, but if he can add just three inches to his height in the pre-game, he’ll break former Eagles WR Harold Charmichael distinction of being the tallest wideout ever to play in the NFL, at 6-foot-8. Time for some stretching, Johnny.

Jake Elliot — It has been an up-and-down year for the Eagles kicker, but he can dramatically improve his career stats with a single play on Sunday. That’s because Elliot currently boasts a 0.00 career passer rating — one attempt, one interception. If he could surprise the Giants’ secondary with a short screen pass, it would bring that number all the way up into the low 20s. That’s bad, but better than zero.

Saquon Barkley — Why stop at the single-season rushing record? Barkley needs 4,790 yds for the Eagles career rushing record. If he carries the ball 59 times and averages 80 yards each time, that record is his too.

Whenever we get this late in the year, there are always a few anagrams I haven’t used yet for various reasons (most evil, Dallas reasons). In the interest of clearing out the notebook for next year, here’s what were left on the drawing board:

Cowboys WR Kelvin Harmon
** Slimy work, havoc born new

Solid anagram, but he has been on and off the practice squad. So, it felt like punching down a little. And by down, I meant towards hell, where all Dallas players are headed.

Dallas Left Tackle Tyler Guyton
** A flattened troll, tacky guy. Sell.

This one sat for most of the season. I think you get the message, but I feel like there’s more in there. The word “lousy” is right in there but hard to tease out.

RB Dalvin Cook
** Bravo, clod kin

Every week I waited for the former all-pro Cook to become a real player on this team so I could feature him. His season stats? Eight carries for 20 yds. Barely worth mentioning.

You may be asking “why waste all of these now?” The answer is simple: As long as the Cowboys continue to spread their evil around the country, there are always more anagrams to expose their sinister intentions. So I’m not worried about running out of ideas.

** I went 3-1 against Dad this week, pushing my lead in our weekly picks all the way up to eight games. That means if I can get just half of the contests right next week, I’m at least guaranteed a tie. Since I’ve been picking closer to 70 percent of games correctly, I like those odds.

** Dad did come out victorious in the Garrity family league again this year, with a championship performance that would have lost to five other teams in the league but, luckily for him, not the one he was playing (Jim’s team rolled over and died at the worst moment). I posted a 171-pts performance one week after it would have actually mattered, and dispatched the nephews and Beth in the third place game. And most importantly, the Cowboys-led team completed a perfect season, going 0-17 in head-to-head play.

** Most fantasy leagues finish their play in week 17 (because most are inferior to the Awesome Cup) so I’ve already landed two third-place finishes this season, with this league still pending. Combined with two third-place finishes last year, I’m like pre-Colts Tony Dungy: always fielding good teams, but can’t get them over the hump.

Week 17 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 2132.56 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 2097.82 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 2097.19 pts
4 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 2072.15 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1979.76 pts
6 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1937.28 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1936.45 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1935.42 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 1934.38 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1722.55 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1537.06 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1375.60 pts

It’s a Fort Awesome rock fight to the finish. Jonathan still holds the lead, but Joanna’s huge week (171.30 pts) and with my solid performance (137.42 pts) have left us both within 36 pts of catching the boy for the title next week. Mike sits 60 pts back, an unlikely but not impossible margin to make up. And after that, it’s a contest for pride.

Last year we had six teams top the 2,000-pts barrier for the season. This year, we could have as many as nine, although we’d need to see better performances by teams in the finale. Only five teams topped 100 pts, and Dad made it just barely (100.22 pts).

But this is it. We’re at the final week of the season, where champions are made. Will the boy be able to hold onto his title? Or will one of his parents beat him, likely about the head with a shoe? Can someone else pull off a miracle? There are two games on Saturday and 14 on Sunday to sort it all out. Get those rosters set, and let’s all finish strong.

Tuesday, December 17, 2024

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 15 recap

We’re less than two weeks away from Christmas, which means we’re in the height of Hallmark Christmas movie season. And this year didn’t disappoint — the channel premiered “Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story,” which focuses on a woman competing to win the team’s fan-of-the-year award who falls in love with a Chiefs public affairs specialist. Donna Kelce had a cameo (for real, it was on TV this weekend and will be on 8am Christmas morning).

The film got mixed ratings, which is good enough for Hallmark to rush several more copycats into production for next Christmas. Here’s a look at a few of the pilots being considered:

** Holly Jolly Jaguars — Trevor doesn’t have to think about the holidays, until his team is eliminated from the playoffs right after Thanksgiving. Can a trip back home to South Carolina and a chance meeting with his ex-girlfriend from college rekindle his Christmas spirit?

** Carolina Christmas Blues — Bill hasn’t been able to get over the breakup with his New England sweetheart for the past year. Desperate for a change, the senior citizen decides to enroll in college again, and learns that you can still be young at heart at Christmastime.

** J-E-T-S, ho, ho, ho! — Aaron moved to the big city to pursue his career, but the experience left him feeling cold and unloved. Now, with his company threatening to lay him off in December, can the Christmas season inspire him to give up his anti-vaccine ways and learn to love his fellow man?

** A Whiteout Christmas — Josh has been a superstar for his football team all year, and they seemed poised for the playoffs. But just before the big Christmas Eve game, a freak blizzard drops four feet of snow on the streets of Buffalo. Only a Christmas miracle will get him (and his fans) to the stadium on time.

** Receiving Christmas Cheer — Jalen and AJ used to be the perfect couple, but recently their relationship has been on the rocks. Can they pass the test of the holiday rush? Or will they drop the ball and run away from the world?

QB: Jared Goff, 51.06 pts — on Sam’s bench
WR: Davante Adams, 31.70 pts — started by Paul
RB: James Conner, 27.37 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Jonnu Smith, 13.70 pts — on Ant’s bench
K: Chase McLaughlin, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 25.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Nik Bonitto, 12.50 pts — on the wire

Congrats to Goff, who became the second QB this season to throw five TD passes in a game and lose (hi, Joe Burrow!). The 48-42 defeat at the hands of the Bills was also the fifth time in Detroit franchise history that the team has scored 40-plus points and lost, an NFL record. Lamar Jackson (46.60 pts) also threw five TDs on Sunday, but he won, so that’s boring.

A good week for QBs means a great week for wideouts too. Adams had 9 catches for 198 yds and two TDs, just a little better than Amon-Ra St. Brown’s 14 catches for 193 and one TD. Adams totaled 67.47 fantasy pts over the first 12 weeks of the season and has 62.37 pts in his last three games, so it’s nice to see him finally show up this year.

Three defenses topped 20 points this week, and a fourth (Cincinnati) just missed with 19.00 pts. On the flip side, nine defenses were worth zero or fewer points this week, with Detroit leading the way at -6.00, the worst possible score. So if you started Goff and his team’s defense, you would have cost yourself that fifth passing TD.

“Bad QBs” edition

3rd place: Sam Howell, -0.34 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Jameis Winston, -0.36 pts — on the wire
1st place: Will Levis, -4.44 pts — on the wire

Will Levis is allegedly a starting QB for the Tennessee Titans, but the stats don’t really back up that idea.

On Sunday, he was benched after two and a half quarters of football despite completing 11 of his first 12 passes. Of course, three of those were completed to the wrong team, including a 39-yard interception returned for a TD. Oh, he also lost a fumble.

This was the second time this year that Levis has started a game and ended in negative fantasy territory, and the single worst fantasy performance by a QB to date.

All this just makes Levis’ recent endorsement deal with Hellman’s Mayonnaise even better. Levis got the national commercial campaign because of his odd obsession with the disgusting condiment, going viral earlier this year for putting it in his coffee and selling out a mayo-scented cologne in the Tennessee area in September. And when you think about it, it’s the perfect pairing and athlete. He’s extra white. He’s not good at all. You only associate him with terrible times. And if you were to hand him your stomach, he would find a way to turn it over.

** Colts RB Jonathan Taylor broke free on a 41-yard run in the third quarter of his game against the Broncos and then went full DeSean Jackson at the goal line, dropping the ball before he broke the plane. The ball rolled forward into the end zone and resulted in a touchback for the Broncos, who went on to score 24 unanswered points in a 31-13 comeback victory.

I don’t know what to tell you. Absolutely no one has ever looked cool dropping the ball at the goal line, but a ton of these players think it’s fun. I guess we need to think about putting staples on the ball to prevent stupidity fumbles.

** Sirius XM has an ad they run during football games for the Howard Stern show that starts like this:

Voiceover — “Howard Stern knows football.”
Stern — “Every time I get excited about a team, they lose.”

Doesn’t sound like he knows football. Just sounds like he’s a standard Jets fan.

** Dominos Pizza has an ad now where they deliver an “emergency pizza” to a contestant in the Squid Game and I’m sorry did ANYONE on that advertising team ever see the TV show? The contestant is hungry, so he orders a pizza so he isn’t caught moving during a game of Red Light, Green Light. A happy delivery woman brings him one … and then presumably is cut down in a hail of machine gun fire in a dystopian hellscape. That’s pizza for you!

The Eagles won their 10th game in a row on Sunday, the longest such streak in franchise history. But does a long line of consecutive wins result in a championship? Here’s the best such streaks from other Philly teams, and how those seasons ended:

** Philadelphia 76ers
Win streaks of 10 or more — 17
Most recent — 2018
Longest streak — 18 games (1966)
The Liberty Ballers boast the most double-digit win streaks in city history, and actually had two runs of 10 wins in their 1983 championship season. They also won 10 in a row during 1967, en route to another title. But their most recent victory run — a 16-game win streak in 2018 — resulted in a predictable second-round playoff loss to the Celtics, as most of their seasons seem to end nowadays.

** Philadelphia Flyers
Win streaks of 10 or more — 6
Most recent — 2016
Longest streak — 13 games (1985)
That 1985 ended with a trip to the Stanley Cup finals, but not a championship win. But of the six Flyers seasons with long winning streaks, only once — in 1993 — did the Flyers fail to at least make the playoffs. Just something else to get angry at Eric Lindros for.

** Philadelphia Phillies
Win streaks of 10 or more — 13
Most recent — 2010
Longest streak — 16 games (1892, 1887, 1890)
Twice in the 1800s, the Phillies had 16-game win streaks broken up by the Boston Beaneaters (not a slur, that was an actual team back then). If you restrict your stats to just games after 1900, then the Phillies have only had 11 seasons with double-digit win streaks, and only twice since 1992. None happened in a season where they made the World Series.

As proof that true beauty can come from pure evil, I present to you the latest edition of insult anagram poetry. This time, the verses come courtesy of a key special teams player for Dallas, long snapper Trent Sieg:

** LS Trent Sieg **

Gentlest sir
Tigress lent

Grit nestles
Gristle sent

Grin settles
Regents slit
Stinger lets
Tern legs sit

Tests linger
Glint resets
Tensest girl
Tingle rests

Go ahead and check, all the lines are perfect anagrams of his name.

But what does it mean? It’s a deep reflection on the Cowboys’ lost season, where the soft coach (gentlest sir) tries to imbue a vicious spirit on his players (tigress lent) but leaves the team with only grit and gristle instead of inspiration. Players laugh it off (grin settles) and leave their skills on the sidelines (stinger lets tern legs sit). While the animal spirit is still there (tensest girl) the “tingle” of winning is asleep for the moment.

The lines are beautiful in their horror and disappointment. It’s like rain on your wedding day, or a free ride when you’ve already paid. Who are we to question the wisdom of the anagram balladry?

** Finally, I had a breakthrough in the picks against Dad. We had four games different, and I swept them all. Sadly, that also meant correctly predicting that the Cowboys would wipe the floor with the Panthers, but sometimes you have to acknowledge an act of evil and move on. I’m up five for the year now with just three weeks left, giving me a little breathing room for the stretch run.

** The Garrity Family playoffs start next week with #1 seed Jim vs. #4 seed Tommy/Shane and #2 seed Dad vs. #3 seed me. But the big news is that for the first time in three years, the “America’s Losers” team full of Cowboys and only Cowboys did not win a single game. So in a bigger sense, we’re all winners. But hopefully I’m the winner in the real sense next week too.

** The Steelers are one of the three best teams in the AFC. In the second half Sunday, they had two possessions: one ended in a fumble, the other in a punt. The Eagles final drive was 21 plays, 88 yards and took 10:29 minutes. Philly held the ball for 39:52 minutes in the game.

That was a beatdown of a really good team.

Week 15 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1,885.38 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1,851.63 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,838.71 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1,810.60 pts
5 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1,747.25 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,730.54 pts
7 — Jabronis (Ant), 1,729.44 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1,660.13 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1,644.81 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1,496.39 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1,379.01 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1,235.31 pts

Jo’s team scored 142.42 pts this week and that was only good enough for third place on the weekend. Seven teams scored above 120, led by Jonathan’s 145.64. He doubled his lead over second place to almost 34 points, but now has both Mike and me within a 50-point outburst of taking over first place.

And the second-most points this week? Is that Paul? His team was projected to only score 80-points by the Yahoo algorithm but ended up with 143.24, thanks to big days from Davante Adams, Jordan Love and Tyjae Spears. He could have gone even higher if he had started a kicker and a second defensive player. But that kind of mistake is understandable this early in the season.

Speaking of setting your roster, it gets complicated this weekend. There is a Thursday game, two Saturday games, one Monday game and two Wednesday games that don’t count until week 17 so why did you even bring them up? Just make sure you’ve got a kicker ready to go. Only three weeks of fantasy football left.

Tuesday, December 10, 2024

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 14 recap

On Monday, Disney+ simulcast the Bengals/Cowboys tilt but substituted Simpsons characters for key players and fans. The experiment was fairly weird and totally awesome, with jokes and references jammed into nearly every down.

This was actually the second animated simulcast that Disney+ has broadcast, after a similar Toy Story themed presentation last year. So that begs the question: What will next year’s special animated real-time football game be? Here are the likely contenders:

** Star Wars simulcast: Ever wanted to see Jedi against Stormtroopers in a football game? No? Too bad! There are hundreds of “use the force” jokes for every completion, incompletion and run up the middle. Bonus points for using Jawas as referees.

** Frozen simulcast: Packers vs. Vikings from the frozen tundra of … Arendelle. Every deep pass is accompanied by an ESPN host shrieking “let it go, let it go!”

** Marvel simulcast: The network won’t be able to resist turning the Chiefs into members of the Avengers, complete with a list of Patrick Mahomes’ “superpowers.” And if they schedule it against the Raiders, team owner Mark Davis kinda looks like Thanos already.

** Little Mermaid simulcast: Only works if it’s the Dolphins vs. the Seahawks. Otherwise no one wants to be part of that world.

** Wall-E simulcast: This would be long and boring without life in the booth. So, you know, a typical last-season NFC South game.

QB: Josh Allen, 57.88 pts — started by Dad
WR: Jordan Addison, 30.87 pts — started by me
RB: Zach Charbonnet, 32.83 pts — started by Jo
TE: George Kittle, 13.07 pts — started by Ant
K: Jason Sanders, 16.00 pts — started by me
DEF: San Francisco, 14.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Yetur Gross-Matos, 8.00 pts — on the wire

Vikings QB Sam Darnold threw five TD passes this week but missed out on his moment of glory atop the best performers list because of Allen.

Allen had an insane stat line on Sunday: 342 passing yds, 3 passing TDs, 82 rushing yds, 3 rushing TDs. His 57.88 fantasy points is the fourth best total since this league was founded, and I’m listing the rest here for the next time I need to remember those stats:

1 — Drew Brees, 60.54 pts, Nov. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
2 — Peyton Manning, 60.28 pts, Sept. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
3 — Nick Foles, 59.64 pts, Nov. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
4 — Josh Allen, 57.88 pts, Dec. 2024 (3 passing TDs, 3 rushing TDs)
5 — Mike Vick, 57.37 pts, Sept. 2010 (4 passing TDs, 2 rushing TDs)

But Allen does hold one distinction from the rest of that group — he LOST the game despite the gaudy stats. The Bills fell 42-44 to the Rams thanks to a defense that was worth -6.00 pts on the day. That means Buffalo had the best fantasy QB performance in league history and the worst possible defensive fantasy score on the same day. Just wild stuff.

Meanwhile, Addison had eight catches for 133 yds and three TDs, and his fellow Vikings wideout Justin Jefferson had another seven catches for 132 yds and two TDs (24.30 fantasy pts, good for #3 on the week among wideouts). If you started those two together, you would have gotten 55.17 fantasy points. That’s almost the same as one Josh Allen start.

One more note — with that game Allen vaulted himself in the QB fantasy standings for the year all the way up to … number two, because Lamar Jackson had the week off and is still 30 full fantasy points ahead of him.

“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Kadarius Toney, -0.62 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Cordarrelle Patterson, -1.33 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Allen, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Best QB on the week: Allen. Worst QB on the week: Allen.

Brandon Allen had one pass attempt for the 49ers, and it was picked off by the Bears. Josh Allen had six TDs against the Rams. Josh Allen’s team lost. Brandon Allen’s team won. Football is weird.

Toney has only registered a fantasy score in three games this season, and two of them have been negative points. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, keep playing on the Browns.

** Just in case you haven’t been following the Boise State Broncos football team closely, start RB Ashton Jeanty rushed for 209 yds in Saturday's Mountain West title game, giving him 2,497 yds for the season. That’s good enough for fourth-best all time in college football, just 131 yds behind Barry Sanders record of 2,628 set in 1998.

Jeanty could pass Sanders in the Broncos college football playoff game later this month, a situation that seems unfair, since Sanders didn’t get to pad his total with any post-season games. Well, actually he did, rushing for 222 yds in a bowl game, but the NCAA doesn’t consider stats collected in bowl games towards single-season records.

Well, actually they do, but only for bowl games that happened after 2002. Why? Because. So Jeanty can add to his season totals with any playoff games but Sanders’ total is locked because it happened before LeBron James played his first NBA game, which is the standard dividing line for all college football stats.

If we’re gonna have this arbitrary nonsense with college football stats, then I’m not recognizing Notre Dame as ever being the top team in the country. After all, none of those championships came after 2002.

** On Sirius NFL Radio, former NFL coach Bill Belichick was asked about what he saw with the Patriots team this year.

“They only have three wins this year,” he said. “It’s hard to watch. There’s nothing I can do about it, of course, but it’s hard.”

From the tone of his voice, you could tell that Belichick meant his “of course” to remind folks that he is no longer the coach of the Patriots, so of course he can’t fix it. Funny thing is, he was the coach of the Patriots last year, and they went 4-13. So, even if he were still the coach, it’s pretty clear he couldn’t fix it then either.

** The Chiefs clinched their 9th straight division title on Sunday night with a win over the Chargers that came on a last-play field goal which bounced off the upright but over the crossbar for three points. As the refs signaled success, announcer Mike Tirico exclaimed “it’s a doink for the division!” Decent turn of phrase on the spot by him.

Three minutes later, NBC sideline reporter Melissa Stark interviewed QB Patrick Mahomes about the improbable win. “It’s already being called ‘the doink for the division!’ What do you think of that?”

Hold on, it’s “already” being called that because your team just said it. It wasn’t a trending topic, it was something you all invented. Sure, social media started quoting Tirico, but that was way later, like 10 minutes after the fact.

Mahomes called the moment “amazing.” And then Stark informed him that some people were already calling it an amazing ending. Probably. I dunno, Joanna was shouting at the TV after it all happened, so it was hard to hear.

One person in America was sweating out those final few minutes of the Eagles win on Sunday than any Philly fan: An unnamed gambler put down $3.1 million on the birds to beat the Panthers and nearly saw that small fortune go up in smoke. The odds on the bet were terrible, netting him $442,000 and potentially costing him almost eight times that amount.

Hopefully, this compulsive bettor has learned his or her lesson. But if not, here are some better ways to spend that $3.1 million for next time:

— Employ Zack Baun and Nakobe Dean for one year. The two Eagles linebackers’ compensation for 2024 is $3.02 million. They could probably earn you a few bucks carrying things and shoveling snow.

— Buy 13 Super Bowl rings. The most expensive sold to date was Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl XXV ring, which went for $230K. With some savvy negotiating, you might be able to get as many as 15.

— Get 10,000 shares of Packer stock. The last sale, in 2022, had shares going for $300 each. In 2011, the shares cost $250 each. That’s a solid growth investment.

— Rent a suite at Lincoln Financial Field through 2085. The most expensive luxury boxes for Eagles home games run $45,000 a year right now. Scalp some tickets to those seats to turn a profit.

— Don’t bet on the Eagles. The team is 22-9 in real life over the last two years but 15-14-2 against the betting spreads in that same frame. If the odds are basically a coin flip, maybe resist the temptation to wager more than $3 million on tails.

Among the worst sins of the Cowboys franchise this year is not only their insatiable appetite for evil, but also their generally boring nature. True, watching them lose is fun, but in general the team has felt rather ordinary and unexciting. And that’s no surprise, when you start to see a common theme hidden in several of their players’ names:

Dallas Cowboys LB Buddy Johnson
** Jowly, bad, bland nobody. Such loss.

Dallas Cowboys Rookie TE Brevyn Spann-Ford
** A very bland player. Two socks, no friends. Boo.

Dallas Cowboys DE Marshawn Kneeland
** Bland man, lacks lady, needs a shower. Ow.

Remember, kids — I’ve you’re going to be full of spite and malice, at least be interesting about it.

** Once again, Dad and I split our picks this week, leaving me up one for the season. We actually independently selected all the same winners ahead of Sunday’s game, then forced each other to change one contest. And we both lost the ones we chose, which meant we were right the first time. On the season, I’m a ridiculous 146-62 picking winners (70.2% right) while Dad is a pedestrian 145-63 (30.3% incorrect).

** NFL teams have scored 30 or more points in games 97 times this season. Their combined record in those games is 87-10. The Bengals have done it six times, and their record in those games is 2-4. That’s just an amazing level of pain for their fans.

** The Eagles can clinch the NFC East with a win next week against the Steelers and a loss by the Commanders to the Saints. They can clinch at least the #2 overall seed with a win, a Commanders’ loss and a Seahawks’ loss to the Packers. And they can clinch the #1 overall seed next week with those three things and the Lions being teleported to Mars by belligerent aliens gambling on Earth sports.

Week 14 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1739.74 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1723.53 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1699.49 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1668.18 pts
5 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1624.63 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1612.70 pts
7 — Jabronis (Ant), 1605.10 pts
8 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1573.08 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1556.54 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1413.00 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1235.77 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1163.69 pts

It’s a race again. Both Mike and I topped 150 pts this week, pulling to within striking distance of Jonathan’s reign of terror atop the standings. Dad just missed 150 pts but pulled himself from 8th place to fifth, 115 pts out of the top spot. Jo almost hit 130 pts, fell on spot in the standings but picked up 15 points on the leader.

And Jonathan? He still scored 115.62 pts with his MVP QB on a bye, but the good-not-great week puts some concerns in his quest for a repeat. With four fantasy weeks left, he is catchable.

Well, catchable if your team is within about 150 pts. Everyone below the seven spot is likely just playing for pride. To play off Paul, your teams may be fighters, but they are not giants.

No byes this week, but there are two Monday night games, and neither one will feature Simpsons characters. So sad. Try to push past the heartbreak and set those rosters early.

Tuesday, December 03, 2024

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 13 recap

Not every NFL team was contractually obligated to play on Thanksgiving this year — Most players got to enjoy a nice meal with their teammates on the holiday. Here’s a quick look at what was on the menu at a few of the locker rooms across the league:

** New Jersey Giants: Lots of cranberry sauce. Maybe that has something to do with all the jiggling in that spineless mess of a squad.

** Kansas City Chiefs: Rabbit. It wasn’t particularly tasty, but it’s the only way to get enough rabbit feet into their system to ensure they get a ridiculously lucky win every week.

** Dallas Cowboys: Veal. It’s not a traditional Thanksgiving meal, but it is cruel and reprehensible, so the players loved it.

** Jacksonville Jaguars: Chicken nuggets. They don’t deserve anything better.

** Philadelphia Eagles: Raven. Wrong bird for the holiday, but still tasty enough.

** New Jersey Jets: They actually didn’t eat, but they did gather around a table to listen to QB Aaron Rogers spew conspiracy theories for a few hours.

** San Francisco 49ers: Multiple large servings of humble pie, perfect for an overhyped fourth-place team.

QB: Jameis Winston, 40.98 pts — on the wire
WR: Jerry Jeudy, 28.17 pts — started by Dad
RB: Bucky Irving, 25.30 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Brock Bowers, 20.53 pts — started by Jonathan
K: Chad Ryland, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: LA Chargers, 20.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
D: Leonard Williams, 18.00 pts — on the wire

I had this whole section written at halftime on Monday night, then had to dump it because Winston decided to pass for 497 yards and six TDs. Of course, two of those TDs went to the other team, but you take the good with the bad.

Winston had the second-most passing yards of any QB in a game this season (behind Kirk Cousins’ 509) and lost anyways. Jeudy, who caught most of Winston’s long throws, had the second most receiving yards of any wideout this year (Jamar Chase, 267). Both Chase and Jeudy saw their team lose those games. Stats aren’t everything.

Williams, a defensive lineman for the Seahawks, had three tackles, two sacks and a 92-yard interception return for a TD in Sunday’s win over the Jets. According to ESPN, that made him the first NFL player over 300 pounds to return an interception more than 90 yards for a TD. I can’t wait for the network to launch a new “yards per pound” feature so we can debate whether a 15-yard swing pass to a 165-pound WR3 is more impressive on a quantum mechanics level than a 250-pound QB sneak for two yards.

I double checked, Chad Ryland is a real NFL player. Apparently he has been playing for about two months. It was news to me too.

“Scrabble tiles” edition

3rd place: Laviska Shenault, -1.80 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Hassan Haskins, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kyle Juszczyk, -2.10 pts — on the wire

Special recognition goes out to the 49ers defense, which recorded a perfect -6.00 pts this week against Buffalo: 35 pts allowed, no turnovers, no sacks. Just a wonderful stat line.

Juszczyk gets you 42 points on a scrabble board (even more if you can sneak it onto the double word space) but he has managed only 21.09 fantasy pts this year. The 49ers RB subtracted from his season total with a rush for -1 yards and a fumble inside the red zone on Sunday night, giving the ball to the Bills and helping that San Fran defense surrender even more points.

** Visiting the Philly area this week, I saw that Dad had procured three boxes of special Jason Kelce cereal. The first is just a box of Lucky Charms with the Kelce brother’s faces. The second is a box of Honey Nut Cheerios with the same.

The third is a box of “Kelce Mix” cereal — Reeses Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Lucky Charms, all thrown in together.

This is a pro-Kelce blog, and even despite all the overexposure that Jason is getting right now, I’m here to support him. That said, Kelce Mix is a crime against both nature and humanity. Don’t go back and reread what is in there, it will cause an immediate cavity and rapid-heart syndrome. I’m legitimately concerned that both brothers will be jailed if any children actually eat that abomination of flavors.

I wanna keep backing you, Jason, but you’re making it difficult.

** In the first quarter of the Michigan game on Saturday (the MICHIGAN GAME, since only one team showed up), the Wolverines faced a third-and-four at their own 36-yard line. QB Davis Warren threw a slant pass to TE Marlin Klein, who was immediately wrapped up by a linebacker. Warren reached forward as he fell, and Fox announcer Gus Johnson exclaimed “we’ll see if that move makes it close enough for a first down!”

After a quick review, the refs announced it was not, and Michigan faced a fourth-and-four.

Yes, fourth-and-four. Klein was tackled at the line of scrimmage, but Johnson wasn’t sure if the 6-foot-6 tight end had managed to stretch twice his height to get the first down. In fairness, it was hard to tell on the telecast whether he had gotten a first, because the yellow line was so far away it was barely on the screen.

Michigan opted to punt, despite the short reach away from another set of downs.

** In one of the stupidest scoring decisions in NFL history, Bills QB Josh Allen was credited with a receiving TD in Sunday’s game despite having zero catches.

On the play in question, Allen passed to WR Amari Cooper, who was immediately wrapped up by a 49ers cornerback. Before he was tackled, however, he lateralled the ball back to Allen, who ran it forward 7 yds for a TD. I gave Allen a passing TD and receiving TD on the same play, something that rarely happens in the NFL.

But it has happened before, when a pass is batted in the air the QB catches it. In this case, Allen didn’t catch a pass, but the NFL decided they’d act as if he did just for grins. A logical solution would have been to call it a catch, then a rushing TD by Allen, same as if he picked up a fumble and advanced it (which is allowed only in certain circumstances). But, no, the NFL wanted to celebrate Allen getting a passing, rushing and receiving TD in the same game, no matter how convoluted the logic was.

Allen’s final box score line: 7 yds receiving, 1 receiving TD, 0 catches. Makes perfect sense.

The Eagles are 10-2 at the start of December — just like one year ago, and we all remember how awful that turned out.

Last season’s collapse should send shivers down the spine of every fan. After losing to the 49ers to set their record at 10-2, the Eagles lost five of their next six games, including an embarrassing playoff loss. The lesson here is that a good start can lead to an epic collapse and … hold on, didn’t they win 10 of their first 12 back in 2022 as well?

Yep. They were 11-1 at the start of December, and headed towards the Super Bowl. So the real lesson to take away from an Eagles team that wins 10 or more of their first 12 games is that while the team may look good, they can’t win it all.

Or maybe they can, because the Eagles were 10-2 after 12 games in 2017 and won the championship.

So the real REAL lesson here is that in the last eight years, the Eagles have had four seasons where they had 10 wins before the first week in December. That means it’s hard to remember which Eagles’ 10-win seasons were good and which were disappointing. And that is an insane thing to type.

The Eagles best three-year win total since the franchise was founded was from 2002 to 2004, when Andy Reid led the team to 37 regular season wins and a 4-3 playoff record. Right now, the Eagles have 35 regular season wins since the start of 2022, with five games left this season. Hopefully, that total increases. And they have a 2-2 playoff record over the last two seasons. That could improve too.

Since 2000, the Eagles have 238 wins against 159 losses. Only four teams (Patriots, Steelers, Packers and Ravens) have seen more wins than the Eagles over that span. Since 2022, only the Chiefs have won more, and they only lead the Eagles by one regular season victory.

These are really good times for football in Philly. Don’t forget to appreciate that.

Also, Saquon Barkley rules.

Dallas has put together a surprising two-game win streak despite being left for dead in the standings a month ago. What’s the secret to the turnaround? For most teams, it would center on teamwork, persistence, character. For the Cowboys? Their center is a little different. Just look what his name spells out:

Dallas Cowboys Center Cooper Beebe
** Sweet boy? No. Local scrod be a creep

I too am dismayed that being a creep can still translate into success, but honestly, it’s not that much of a surprise.

** Dad and I split our picks yet again, leaving me up one in the season standings. I lost yet another one-point game against him, this time mistakenly putting my faith in the Patriots over the Colts. This is the fourth time this season I’ve lost a one-point decision to Dad, which is fairly ridiculous. If he beats me on the season by one-game, I’m demanding a recount.

** Ohio State coach Ryan Day is 47-1 in regular season games excluding contests against Michigan. He’s 3-8 in games against Michigan and post-season games. You know, the games that actually are important and call for a good coach. But congrats on being proficient at beating up on nobodies.

** If Green Bay beats Detroit on Thursday night, and the Eagles beat Carolina, the birds would have the tiebreaker for the #1 seed against the Lions. Just something to keep an eye on.

Week 13 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1,624.12 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1,569.04 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,540.85 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1,538.85 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,512.94 pts
6 — Jabronis (Ant), 1,486.56 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1,481.78 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1,478.28 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1,449.98 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1,298.52 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 1,163.44 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1,106.06 pts

Tough week for Jo, who left the #2 QB and #1 defense on her bench over the holiday weekend, but did start the second-worst defense on the week (Miami, -3.00 pts). She lost 49 pts to her bench, which would have been enough to vault her into second. Instead, she sits just a hair behind Mike, off the medal stand.

Jonathan opened up his first-place lead a bit again, but he has his QB and #3 WR on a bye this week, so now is the time to catch up to him.

Speaking of byes, this is the final bye week of the season. The Broncos, Colts, Patriots, Commanders, Ravens and Texans all have off, right as most fantasy teams are deciding who will make the playoffs. Gotta love the NFL, they find ways to ruin almost everything fun about football.

Six teams on byes means only 14 games this week, so fill those roster holes early. We’ve only got five weeks of regular season football left before the Awesome Cup gets polished and awarded again.