— Throw at least 10 passes
— Complete at least 77.5% of passes
— Average at least 12.5 yards per pass attempt
— Throw no interceptions
— Throw a TD on at least 11.875% of pass attempts
— Spend at least two quarters not throwing the ball further than three yards
— Look completely lost at least once in the third quarter
— Somehow need the defense to score to win the game
— Laugh about your critics after the game
Foles is the only QB to get a perfect passer rating in a game where he threw seven TDs. Hurts only had three on Sunday, so there’s still more he can aim for.
WR: Ja'Marr Chase, 24.73 pts — started by Joel
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 33.20 pts — started by Bob
TE: Trey McBride, 21.93 pts — started by Jeff
K: Will Reichard, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Cleveland, 28.00 pts — on the wire
D: Travis Hunter, 17.23 pts — started by Ant (kind of)
Let’s address that last name first — Hunter is now officially listed as WR/CB, which means he can be started in the defensive player spot. But Anthony didn’t do that this week, so he just got a solid score from a flex position instead of an incredible score from a D position. Poor coaching, still a fine result.
Huge point totals all around this week. Nix tied for the highest score of the year so far (yes, tied. Goff had 43.96 pts exactly in week 2. Weird). Eleven players topped 30 pts, including three RBs (McCaffery, Jonathan Taylor and Jahmyr Gibbs) and Mr. Perfect, Jalen Hurts. WR DeVonta Smith had 183 receiving yards and a TD, but was only the third best fantasy receiver (and beat AJ Brown by just 0.67 pts).
“QB parade” edition3rd place: (tie) Gardner Minshew, -0.30 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (tie) Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Tua Tagovailoa, -1.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kenny Pickett, -1.68 pts — on the wire
On the same day that the Eagles starter had a perfect passer rating, two former Eagles QBs made the list of worst fantasy performers of the week. Mishnew didn’t really earn his spot, collecting -3 rushing yds on three kneel downs. Super Bowl winning QB Kenny Pickett did, going 2 for 2 for 8 yds passing and fumbling in his brief appearance during the Raiders 31-0 loss to the Chefs.
But those two were just part timers. Tagovailoa played the majority of the Dolphins' loss to the (checks notes) Browns, passing for 100 yards and three interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD. His QB rating was 24.1, which was lower than your rating on Sunday (zero completions, yards, TDs or INTs is a 39.6 rating). If you’re the worst QB on the field during a Browns game and you’re not wearing a Browns’ uniform, you’ve hit a new low in life.
** In the second quarter of the Ohio State/Wisconsin game (during which commentator Brad Nessler confused the Badgers and the Buckeyes four times), Wisconsin suffered a rash of injuries, including to their RB. After a few minutes, sideline reporter Jenny Dell gave an update on the player’s condition:
“I just talked to the coaches. If he can come back, then he’ll get into the game. But if not, then he’s out.”
That’s the kind of inside perspective that only the best sideline report can provide.
** Texas Tech athletic director Kirby Hocutt said this on Monday:
"As Red Raiders, no one tells us what to do. We make our own decisions. I leaned into throwing tortillas at the beginning of the football season. Now I must ask everyone to stop."
I can give you the context for that, but I assure you it will not make any more sense.
Fine. Texas Tech has a tradition (not the right word) of tossing tortillas into the air during football games. The Big 12 voted this year to penalize teams whose fans throw items onto the field. Texas Tech fans responded by throwing loads of tortillas onto the field throughout the last few games, and now faces a $100,000 fine from the league if it happens again.
See? I told you it makes no more sense.
** Dolphins Coach Mike McDaniel, asked about QB Tua Tagovailoa’s status going ahead after Sunday’s embarrassing loss: "He is going to take the snaps this week, and he's going to be our starter this week.”
Yeah, so, McDaniel is getting fired before November.
The Eagles announced on Monday that two-time Super Bowl winner Brandon Graham will return to the nest this season, to help the team’s suddenly thin pass rush. Team reporters are already speculating that he might not be the only familiar face to return to the team this year. Here are a few other names to watch:
** C Jason Kelce: The Eagles offensive line is also hurting, and Kelce is still looking for a second Super Bowl ring.
** QB Mike Kafka: Sure, he’s the offensive coordinator for the New Jersey Giants now. But Kafka was in the same Eagles draft class as Graham (2010), so why not give it a try?
** S Brian Dawkins: No question he could still lay down some hits.
** RB Saquon Barkley: After his monster campaign last year, it’d be great to see him play again in 2025. It’s a shame that he decided to hang up his cleats over the summer and … wait, wut? Are you sure? Then where the hell has he been?
** P Jeff Feagles: Feagles played for 22 years — would you really be surprised if you found out he still wanted to sign one more contract?
The Cowboys activated CB Caelen Carson from the injured reserve list to help with their struggling defense. Coaches talk all the time about players “checking all the boxes,” and Carson was no exception. Except in his case, those boxes are all terrible, terrible qualities that are clearly spelled out in the letters of his name:
Dallas CB Caelen Carson
** A rascal: Bled cons clean
** A slob: All cancer dances
** A clod: Cleans barnacles
** A debacle: Calls son “narc”
** A loser: Cancel bad clans
I don’t know if “cancer dances” cause cancer or just celebrate cancer, but either way, this guy is bad news.
** I went 2-1 in the picks against Dad this week, but the one I got wrong was that Miami loss. In a just world, that would count as 20 losses for me. But this is not a just world, and I remain up 5 on Dad for the season.
** RB Montie Quinn of Division III Curry College (in New England) ran for seven TDs and 522 yards in his team’s 71-27 win over Nichols College. He had five TD runs over 50 yds, and three over 75 yds. For those of you scoring at home, yes, that is a record for any college game, and yes, that would have been worth 94.2 fantasy pts in our league.
** Sixers start their season tomorrow, in case you haven’t had enough Philly sports disappointment of late.
Week 7 standings
Family Cup standings
** C Jason Kelce: The Eagles offensive line is also hurting, and Kelce is still looking for a second Super Bowl ring.
** QB Mike Kafka: Sure, he’s the offensive coordinator for the New Jersey Giants now. But Kafka was in the same Eagles draft class as Graham (2010), so why not give it a try?
** S Brian Dawkins: No question he could still lay down some hits.
** RB Saquon Barkley: After his monster campaign last year, it’d be great to see him play again in 2025. It’s a shame that he decided to hang up his cleats over the summer and … wait, wut? Are you sure? Then where the hell has he been?
** P Jeff Feagles: Feagles played for 22 years — would you really be surprised if you found out he still wanted to sign one more contract?
The Cowboys activated CB Caelen Carson from the injured reserve list to help with their struggling defense. Coaches talk all the time about players “checking all the boxes,” and Carson was no exception. Except in his case, those boxes are all terrible, terrible qualities that are clearly spelled out in the letters of his name:
Dallas CB Caelen Carson
** A rascal: Bled cons clean
** A slob: All cancer dances
** A clod: Cleans barnacles
** A debacle: Calls son “narc”
** A loser: Cancel bad clans
I don’t know if “cancer dances” cause cancer or just celebrate cancer, but either way, this guy is bad news.
** I went 2-1 in the picks against Dad this week, but the one I got wrong was that Miami loss. In a just world, that would count as 20 losses for me. But this is not a just world, and I remain up 5 on Dad for the season. ** RB Montie Quinn of Division III Curry College (in New England) ran for seven TDs and 522 yards in his team’s 71-27 win over Nichols College. He had five TD runs over 50 yds, and three over 75 yds. For those of you scoring at home, yes, that is a record for any college game, and yes, that would have been worth 94.2 fantasy pts in our league.
** Sixers start their season tomorrow, in case you haven’t had enough Philly sports disappointment of late.
Week 7 standings Family Cup standings
House Doyle: 15-6
House Garrity: 10-11
House Shane: 8-11-2
House Quinn: 8-13
It’s official: Emma's Unicorn Blobfish Empire is cursed. Despite scoring the most points in the league this week, our empire still couldn’t get a win. Instead, we tied with Jonathan at 154.46 pts apiece. Think about that. We’re going down to the hundredths of a point in scoring, and still everything ended up even. On the season, our joint team is fifth in the league in scoring and 11th in record. We’ve had 71 more points — about 10 more points a week — scored on us than any other team. Shelly has 78 fewer points on the year and 4 more wins than us. And now, we have to stare at that bizarre tie for the rest of the season. Cursed, I tell you. Cursed!
Awesome Cup standings
Awesome Cup standings
1 — Saquontum Leap (Capt. Awesome), 928.62 pts
2 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 836.24 pts
3 — One Plus One is Three SBs (Pop), 825.01 pts
4 — Goederts and Monsterts (Bob), 824.38 pts
5 — City Hands (Mike), 794.99 pts
6 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 769.82 pts
7 — Vert der Ferks (Ant), 754.74 pts
8 — Schwarbombs (Jo), 739.16 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 734.72 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 734.29 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 646.29 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 538.54 pts
Jeff scored 153.96 points in our league this week and he doesn’t even get proper recognition for the achievement, because Bob went full beast mode with his squad: 180.14 pts, with eight of his 12 players scoring in double digits. That vaulted him up the charts again, putting him just a hair out of third and within striking distance of second. First place, still secure, although my lead slipped back to just double digits this week.
At the other end, Joel hasn’t scored more than 85 pts since week 2. Starting an injured QB for multiple weeks will do that to you. Mom D did start all healthy players, but her defense and RB trio combined for just 11.24 pts. The B Sharps remain disappointingly flat.
Your NFL schedule for next week includes … wait, what? One Monday game? No overseas contests? Just a slate of mostly normal Sunday games? I’m not sure how to deal with that. I’ll probably find a new way to forget to set my roster as a result.