Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 5 recap

The New York Jets fired coach Robert Saleh on Tuesday after a disappointing 2-3 start to the season. Defensive coordinator Jeff Ulbrich was named the interim head coach, but it’s unlikely that title will change into a permanent appointment.

The turmoil in the Jets locker room is a reminder that the team’s coaching post remains one of the worst jobs in football. The franchise has a .339 win percentage since the start of the 2014 season, and has overwhelming geography challenges that seem insurmountable. Consider:
** The Jets aren’t the best football team in New York state: That title belongs to the Bills (.599 win percentage in the last 10 years).

** The Jets aren’t the best football team in their own state: They actually play in New Jersey, and the top football team since 2014 in state is the Princeton Tigers (.700 win percentage).

** The Jets aren’t the best regional green and white football team: The Philadelphia Eagles far outdistance them over that same span (.568 win percentage).

** The Jets aren’t the best regional team that rhymes with “bets”: The Brooklyn Nets boast a .441 win percentage over the last 10 years. The New York Mets have a .510 mark over that span.

** The Jets aren’t the best regional team forsaken by God himself: The New Jersey Devils have a .433 win rate since the start of 2014.

** The Jets aren’t the best Jets in North America: The Winnipeg Jets have a .538 win percentage over the last decade.

** The Jets aren’t the best football team in their own stadium: They share their New Jersey home with the Giants, and that floundering franchise is still better than the Jets over the last decade (.371 win percentage).

It’s hard to attract good coaching talent when you’re not the best at anything anywhere.

QB: Joe Burrow, 43.78 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Ja'Marr Chase, 30.37 pts — started by Mike
RB: Tank Bigsby, 24.47 pts — started by Joel
TE: Tucker Kraft, 19.87 pts — started by Dad
K: Younghoe Koo, 17.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: New Jersey Giants, 19.00 pts — on the wire
D: Pat Surtain II, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Stupid New Jersey Giants.

Burrow leads the league in TD passes with 12 and also leads the league in losses with four. It’s almost as if fantasy football isn’t the same as real football. I’ll have to look into that.

Coming in at the #2 spot in the top QB performances was Kirk Cousins (42.36 pts), who tossed four TD passes in the Falcons’ win on Thursday night. It was also “Matt Ryan Night” in Atlanta, notable because Cousins broke Ryan’s single-game passing yds mark in the win, with 509. No better way than to impress your new team than to embarrass one of its legends.

By the way, Lamar Jackson had 4 TDs and 41.42 fantasy pts and only gets the bronze medal on the week. And 11 different receivers had at least 100 yds. Just some crazy, crazy scoring.

 
“Carolina” edition

3rd place: Tommy Tremble, -1.03 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -2.00 pts — on Mike’s bench
1st place: Carolina, -5.00 pts — on the wire

Tommy Tremble plays TE for The Panthers and Tossed out a Thud of a game This week, with one catch for seven yds and a fumble. On The positive side, he did better than his Team’s defense, and Thankfully has The perfect name for alliteration.

The Eagles defense recorded no fantasy points this week because of their bye, which made them the fourth-worst play in football among defenses this week. Shout out to the Ravens, who won their game and had nothing but good fantasy marks until their -1.00 pts line this week, when I had to start them in my pay league. Jerks.

 
** In case you were worried that the Eagles’ bye week would mean that there would not be embarrassing Philly football to talk about this week …

In the UConn/Temple game, the Huskies kicked a FG to go ahead of the Owls 23-20 with less than four minutes to play. Temple got the ball back, drove down the field and had a fourth-and-goal from the one-yard line with three seconds left in the game. Rather than go for the tie, they pulled out a city classic: The Brotherly Shove. Executed properly, it would give them a 26-23 comeback win.

Instead, they fumbled the ball, and UConn returned it 99 yards for the game-ending TD.

There’s just something about Philly teams and obvious field goals.

** Ahead of Sunday’s slate of games, CBS analyst Adam Schein predicted that Bills QB Josh Allen “will have the single best game of his career today.”

We all get it, talking heads make bold predictions that often miss just to get attention. But the audacity of this one was special, because Schein then posted a graphic of Allen’s previous “best” performance — 308 yds passing, 66 yds rushing, 5 total TDs in a 2021 playoff game. And then he still insisted that Allen would put up even better numbers against the Texans this week.

Schein was close: Allen only missed it by 12 rushing yds, 277 passing yds and 4 TDs. The Bill’s QB had a mediocre day of less than 190 total yds and a single TD. And Schein will be allowed back on TV again next week, because ignorance is always welcome in pregame shows.

With the Eagles off this week but the Phillies still playing, it only seems right that the birds lend a hand to their friends across the street for the next few days. Here’s a look at where some of the best Eagles athletes could maybe pitch in on the baseball diamond:

** Catcher Devonta Smith: This one seems obvious. With his wideout skill set, Smith can reel in nearly any errant pitch and would bring elite speed to the position.

** Third baseman Quinyon Mitchell: The rookie QB has shown he has good instincts and quick reaction time. Sounds like a natural at the hot corner to me.

** Designated hitter Lane Johnson: I don’t know if he could play the field. But he’s a team leader, an important morale guy, and if all 325 pounds of him gets into a pitch, watch out.

** Closer Jalen Hurts: He’s giving away the football at an alarming rate, so he would fit in perfectly with the Phillies’ relievers and problems of surrendering runs in the playoffs.

** Center Fielder AJ Brown: Making tough catches on the run? Jumping above the outfield wall to rob a homer? The only concern is he’s likely to run through a stop sign on the basepaths.

** Starting Pitcher Saquon Barkley: I dunno. No teams seem to have an answer for him right now. So let’s see if he can blaze a few pitches by folks at the plate.

One of Dallas’ big free agent signings this summer was RB Ezekiel Elliott, who previously starred on the team from 2016 to 2022. Elliot was a 1,000-plus yds rusher four times in his previous stint with the team, but was let go after the 2022 season amid concerns he had lost a step. But just one year later, with the Cowboys in need of rushing help, they brought their former Pro Bowler back to rejuvenate the running game. Will the reunion work?

Of course not. He’s washed up, and just looking at the headlines after his signing clearly spelled that out:

Dallas Cowboys resign RB Ezekiel Elliott
— A sterile old geezer, a wobbly tic. No skills.

Elliott just missed the 100-yard mark on Sunday, finishing with 98. Of course, that’s 98 through the first five games of the season, not in a single game. But however you can get to the century mark is exciting.

** I made a mistake last week — Dad actually only won three of four against me, meaning he was up one for the season, not four. But then he picked up another one this week, so now he’s up two. So he won the week but ended up one game closer in the standings than I gave him credit for last week. It’s very confusing, but here’s the important take away: Just kick the field goal and take the points.

** Dad also ended my undefeated season in the Garrity Family league this week, so a double pox on him. More condolences to Shelly, whose team posted 160.62 pts … only to lose to Jim by eight. She would have beaten Dad by 52 points, but gets a loss regardless.

** Gawd, I hate the Mets. 


Week 5 standings

1 — Jabronis (Ant), 631.89 pts
2 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 617.35 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 592.32 pts
4 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 580.04 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 579.96 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 575.91 pts
7 — Kodos for President (Jo), 575.67 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 558.99 pts
9 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 550.20 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 488.34 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 474.83 pts
12 — Happy 20 Jenn (Paul), 454.80 pts

Ant becomes the first manager to stay in the top spot for consecutive weeks this season, but it was Jonathan’s big 152.75 week that stole the headlines. Last year’s champ jumps from fifth to second in the standings, with a little cushion over Jeff’s squad.

Six teams scored more than 120 pts, and all but two got over 100. Condolences to Bob, who fell all the way from 4th to 8th thanks to another meh week from Patrick Mahomes, and to Paul, who is celebrating a noteworthy anniversary and does not need to be concerned with his team’s plummet down the charts.

We’ve got a big NFC West matchup on Thursday night (49ers vs. Seahawks) which could eliminate San Fran from the postseason already (they would be 2-4 overall and 0-3 in the division with a loss) and another London game on Sunday morning (Jacksonville vs. Who Cares) before the Eagles take the field again. 

Both of the undefeated teams (Vikings and Chiefs) are on byes, but we do get both New Jersey teams in prime time on Sunday night and Monday night, because the NFL hates you and wants you to feel bad. Get those rosters ready early.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 4 recap

Given how the Eagles have looked over the last few weeks, you might as well keep this form handy, and circle the right answers to explain to friends and family what the latest problems are:

“It’s no surprise the Eagles got killed on Sunday. You do need to remember that __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** No one on the defense knows how to tackle
** Tom Brady’s stupid face was announcing the game

“The biggest worry is how awful Jalen Hurts has looked. Did you realize he has 27 turnovers since the start of last year? I think that’s because __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** Hurts forgot that other teams know how to tackle
** Tom Brady’s stupid voice distracted everyone, including feral dogs

“They can still rally to make the playoffs, but not if __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** Hurts doesn’t get back to form
** Tom Brady’s stupid comments get in the players ears and cause brain rot

“Thank gawd it’s the bye week. Maybe they can do something in the time off to address the issue that __________.”
** The wideouts are all hurt
** The coaching is awful
** Howie Roseman doesn’t know what a linebacker is
** Tom Brady stole the soul of several players at halftime last week

“Honestly, the way they’re playing, they couldn’t win even if they were led by __________.”
** Tom Brady’s stupid face
** Tom Brady’s stupid arm
** Tom Brady’s stupid butt
** Nick Foles

QB: Jordan Love, 36.16 pts — on Paul’s bench
WR: Nico Collins, 22.07 pts — started by Ant
RB: Derrick Henry, 34.07 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Tucker Kraft, 12.53 pts — on the wire
K: Nick Folk, 24.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: San Francisco, 23.00 pts — on the wire
D: Troy Andersen, 13.50 pts — on the wire

Taysom Hill actually outscored Kraft, but since Hill is not a TE, he can’t make the top performers’ list there.

Ageless wonder Joe Flacco made his 2024 debut halfway through the Colts game Sunday after starter Anthony Richardson was knocked out with a hip injury. Here’s a list of players who scored fewer fantasy pts than the 39-year-old backup (a respectable 19.02 for the afternoon):
Trevor Lawrence (18.32 pts), Jalen Hurts (18.32 pts), Brock Purdy (16.62 pts), Patrick Mahomes (15.00 pts), Kyler Murray (11.98 pts), Aaron Rodgers (11.60 pts), Kirk Cousins (7.52 pts), Josh Allen (7.30 pts), Matthew Stafford (4.86 pts).

And of all the Pro-Bowl names on that list, the only QBs who won on Sunday were Mahomes, Purdy and Flacco. I dunno, maybe $8.7 million for the former Blue Hen was a better investment this year than $200 million for some of those other guys.

“Computer generated names” edition

3rd place: Tyler Badie, -1.27 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Isaac Guerendo, -1.54 pts — on the wire
1st place: Steven Sims, -1.80 pts — on the wire

I for one am shocked that a guy named “Baddie” is not good at football.

The Maryland Commies are on a three-game winning streak and are averaging more than 30 points a game this season. That’s good, because despite leading the NFC East, they’ve got the second-worst fantasy defense in all of football. They’re allowing nearly 26 points per game and have totaled just 7.00 fantasy pts, 52 behind the top defense in the league (Minnesota). And they’re still clearly the best team in the division.


** On Monday, during his weekly press conference, Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni was asked whether it's time for the team to panic. His response:

"I think it's early. I think there's a lot of teams' stories unwritten. We need to figure out what we do well and try to continue to do that, see what we don't do well, try to get out of that, and mesh some things together."

Let me help you, Nick. Here are the things you do well:
— Turn the ball over
— Miss tackles
— Show up unprepared for games

Here’s what you don’t do well:
— Play football

Maybe try to work on that during the bye week.

** At the end of Michigan/Minnesota game, Fox sideline reporter Jenny Taft opened her interview with Wolverines coach Sherrone Moore with this question:

“I know the second half wasn’t up to your defensive standards, but what did you think of your team’s performance overall?”

And that’s a fair question … in a different game. The Wolverines led the Gophers 24-3 heading into the fourth quarter, then surrendered 21 points in the final 14 minutes and only held on for a 27-24 win because of a phantom penalty against Minnesota on an onsides kick recovery.

That’s not living up to any team’s defensive standards. OK, maybe the Eagles. But no reasonable team.

In honor of the baseball postseason starting, here’s a quick quiz to get you ready: Which of these are players who will appear on a MLB playoff roster this week, and which won’t?

Lucas Erceg

Real MLB player
Fraud

José Buttó

Real MLB player
Fraud

Jackson Chourio

Real MLB player
Fraud

Angel Zerpa

Real MLB player
Fraud

Tarik Skubal

Real MLB player
Fraud

DeMarvion Overshown

Real MLB player
Fraud

Wenceel Pérez

Real MLB player
Fraud

Taijuan Walker

Real MLB player
Fraud

No surprise, those are all actual baseball players … except for Pitcher Taijuan Walker, who is a fraud and will not be on the Phillies postseason roster.

Oh, and DeMarvion Overshown plays for the Cowboys and is the subject of this week’s anagram.

   The life of an NFL rookie can be difficult, with all the new faces, new expectations and new realities of professional sports life. Some franchises do a good job handling that change. And others, like the Cowboys, are content to let their new player suffer through growing pains so they can enjoy spreading misery.

Think that’s an exaggeration? Just look at what the team’s third-round draft pick, DeMarvion Overshown, spells out now that he’s a member of the squad:

Dallas Cowboys rookie LB DeMarvion Overshown
** I sob all over, croak inward: Nobody shows me love

You’d almost feel bad for that heartbreak and isolation, if Overshown’s soul wasn’t already black from being drafted by the Cowboys.

** Another huge swing in the weekly picks with Dad. After I swept all three last week to go up by one, he swept all four this week to go up by three for the season so far. I’m the last person in the world to have any faith in the Browns. I will not be making that mistake again going forward.

** In case you missed Monday night’s good football game, Lions QB Jared Goff was a perfect 18-for-18 on the night and caught a TD pass on what multiple sports writers called “their own version of the Philly special.”

Except it wasn’t. It was a trick play where Goff handed off the ball to WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, who then circled around the side and threw a pass into the end zone. It wasn’t a direct snap to someone other than the QB. Only two players touched the ball, not three. There was not a reverse in the backfield. It wasn’t a fourth down.

Look, I love reliving the Eagles Super Bowl win as much as anyone, but not every single trick play is “a version of the Philly Special.” A fake field goal is not the Philly Special. An end-around is not the Philly Special. Throwing a cheesesteak into a defender’s face is a Philly special, but that’s a whole different thing.

** Playoff baseball starts Saturday. You can ignore everything else up until then.

Week 4 standings

1 — Jabronis (Ant), 493.47 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 475.46 pts
3 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 468.28 pts
4 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 466.14 pts
5 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 464.60 pts
6 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 457.45 pts
7 — Kodos for President (Jo), 455.28 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 442.15 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 441.91 pts
10 — Dawk’s Greatest Hits.AllofThem (Paul), 373.33 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 360.67 pts
12 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 355.24 pts

Four weeks in and four different leaders stop the standings. Ant and Jeff switched places this week, with Bob and Mom D keeping pace. I topped 100 pts this week and fell three spots, because all but two teams reached the century mark. Jonathan led the pack with 133.09 pts, and gets to take the title of Fort Awesome leader for the week, but just barely.

The bottom of the standings saw a shakeup too, with Paul leaping out of last and leaving Sam and Joel in his wake. That trio all has some work to do to catch up to the rest of the pack, but we again have spots one through nine separated by a mere 52 pts, a margin that could be made up in a single week.

It gets harder to post those big scores starting next week, however. Bye weeks are upon us, with the Eagles, Lions, Chargers and Titans all getting time off. And of course there’s still a Thursday game and Monday game and maybe a Saturday midnight game. Check those rosters early and often.