-- Dec. 5, 1976: The day after I was born, the Eagles lost 26-7 to the hated Cowboys en route to a pathetic 3-10 season. I’m sure I watched the game.
-- Dec. 4, 1977: On my one-year birthday, the Eagles again lose to Dallas, this time 24-17. At this point in my life, they’re 0-3 against the Cowboys and 4-10 overall.
-- Dec. 4, 1983: To celebrate my seventh birthday, the Eagles decide to win for a change. They upend the LA Rams 13-9 despite a missed extra point and only 286 yds of offense.
-- Dec. 4, 1988: The Eagles mark my 12th birthday by losing to the Washington Racial Slurs (they played in DC at the time) in a game where they led 19-7 in the third quarter.
-- Dec. 4, 1994: On my 18th birthday, late in the 4th quarter, QB Randall Cunningham throws an INT in the end zone that’s returned 100 yards for a TD in an Eagles 31-19 loss to the Cowboys.
-- Dec. 4, 2006: Twelve years since my last birthday game, the Eagles defeat the Panthers 27-24 on a Monday night game that requires a last-minute end zone interception to seal the victory.
-- Dec. 4, 2016: For my 40th birthday, rookie QB Carson Wentz attempts 60 passes producing three INTs and a 32-14 loss to the Bengals.
Dec. 4 falls on Monday next year and then not on a Sunday again until 2022. If the Birds can manage to play and win on both those occasions, they’ll be at .500 on my birthday for the first time in 46 years.
I’m not holding my breath.
QB: Andrew Luck, 37.73 pts -- started by me WR: Tyler Lockett, 21.36 pts -- on Joel’s bench
RB: David Johnson, 30.97 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Dwayne Allen, 24.80 pts -- on the wire
K: Matt Prater, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 22.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Leonard Floyd, 12.00 pts -- on the wire
It should be noted that Joanna cut Prater right before kickoff Sunday to grab a TE who was not Dwyane Allen. Double shot there.
Also, it’s an injustice that Chiefs S Eric Berry isn’t the top defensive player of the week, falling just short with 11.50 pts. But those points were far more important than Floyd’s (two sacks and a safety). Berry returned an INT for a TD in the first half of his game, then returned a two-point conversion attempt 99 yards for the winning margin in KC’s 28-27 victory over the Falcons. Not a bad afternoon.
“Awful defense” edition
3rd place: Miami, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: NY Jets, -3.00 pts -- started by Dad
1st place: Buffalo, -6.00 pts -- on the wire
I always warn Dad that his unbridled love for New York teams is going to hurt him, but he never listens.
Speaking of New York state teams, Buffalo dropped the lowest possible score this week, with 38 pts allowed, no sacks and no turnovers in wonderful disaster of a game against the Raiders. Buffalo was actually up 24-9 in that game, then let the Raiders score 31 unanswered over the last 24 minutes of the game. Hell of an effort, guys.
** On Sunday night, Panthers coach Ron Rivera benched QB Cam Newton for the offense’s opening play because he had an unspecified violation of the team’s travel dress code. Officially, it’s one less “start” for Newton in his career.
And how did that one play go? Backup turned starting QB Derek Anderson bounced his only pass off his fullback’s hands and into the arms of a Seattle linebacker, giving the favored Seahawks an early advantage in a game where they eventually won 40-7.
I think someone learned a valuable lesson there, and it wasn’t Newton.
** ESPN headline: “Eagles likely to pursue DeSean Jackson in free agency.”
Just shoot me now.
** The Hefty Garbage Bag Bowl: Browns vs. Niners
Hefty would love to have their name on this contest, because it would be the least trashy thing on the field.
** The Lipitor Heart Attack Bowl: Chargers vs Lions
The Lions first 11 games were all decided by less than a TD. The Chargers have seven losses by less than eight points. All fans get a free heart rate monitor.
** The Ramen Sustenance Bowl: Colts vs Cardinals
Like the noodles, this looks and feels like football, but has no actual flavor of substance.
** The Six Flags Roller Coaster Bowl: Eagles vs. Vikings
A rematch game! Remember when these two teams were both exciting? Now here’s what it looks like at the bottom of the hill.
** The National Championship Bowl: Cowboys vs. Crimson Tide
The voters always include Alabama. Always.
Talent evaluation is tough for the Cowboys scouting staff, because they’re charged with finding individuals with the right mix of talent but still wholly objectionable personalities. But, little known fact, they actually use these anagrams to help them in their search. Take, for example, their sixth round DB pick this past draft:
Cowboys Dallas Safety Kavon Frazier
** No skill, fat face, sad bravery, was oozy
Sounds like perfect Cowboys material to me.
** Dad’s foolish pick of the Jets Monday night dropped him to eight back in the weekly picks contest. Like I said, those NY teams...** Guess what? We’re finally done with bye weeks for the season! Still a bunch of stupid Thursday night games left, though.
** Pro Bowl vote totals so far came out this week, and I’m sure someone cares about that. But it’s not me.
Week 13 standings 1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1682.82 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1588.11 pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1575.52 pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1526.59 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1523.86 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1501.91 pts
7 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1409.19 pts
8 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1407.37 pts
9 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1392.12 pts
10 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1380.89 pts
11 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 1246.34 pts
12 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1241.28 pts
No movement for anyone in the top six this week, but everyone in the bottom six switched places, so let’s focus there.
Paul’s terrible, terrible week dropped him down to the bottom three, and another exemplary coaching job by me vaulted my squad back up into the single-digits. And Bob and Mom Doyle continue their bloody battle to stay out of last place, with only about five pts separating them from ignominy.
With four weeks left, can anyone come close to unseating Joel? Has the league punching bag become the new juggernaut? 2016, you continue to continue to confuse me.
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