May Pay Attention (Paul)
Projected finish: 5th place, 2175.33 pts
Actual finish: 12th place, 1416.97 pts
NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans
For the second consecutive year, Paul finishes in dead last. His final squad boasted two injured QBs, four injured RBs and a defensive player who hadn’t played since week 8. He scored 166 pts over the last three weeks, which is just a few points ahead of what our top teams usually scored in a single week. But he’s guaranteed a high draft pick next year, so maybe a three-peat can be avoided.
Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel)
Projected finish: 6th place, 2111.54 pts
Actual finish: 11th place, 1468.55 pts
NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers
Rumor has it that Joel may be considering relocating to Los Angeles in an effort to change his team’s fortune next year, much like his San Diego comparables. While big fat Andy Reid turned around his team’s early season slide to make the playoffs, Heap Big Chief Reid never made it there, slowly sliding further and further as the months drug on. But the good news is that he doesn’t have to root for Jay Cutler and Rashad Jennings any longer.
Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected finish: 10th place, 1974.72 pts
Actual finish: 10th place, 1629.93 pts
NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
Boom. Nailed that prediction dead-on. A squad boasting Matt Ryan and Dez Bryant should have done better fantasy wise, but both enjoyed disappointing seasons. OK, maybe just I enjoyed that. Jeff’s strategy of only starting one defensive player for the final 10 weeks of the season (costing himself about 50 pts) also played a factor, but you have to admire his bold thinking. It still makes more sense than kicking the ball away in overtime, and the guy who did that is a football genius. Ask any pundit.
Clinton’s Email (Jim)
Projected finish: 9th place, 2001.01 pts
Actual finish: 9th place, 1730.22 pts
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Double Boom. Second team I placed perfectly in the pre-season. And this also marks the worst collective finish of our Ohio contingent, none of whom made it out of the bottom quarter of the league. Coincidentally, almost one-fourth of Jim’s points came from Tom Brady alone, proving that even he can’t win if you put enough bad players around him. Let’s try that in real life next year, just for fun.
Bethlehem Moravians (Bob)
Projected finish: 1st place, 2366.79 pts
Actual finish: 8th place, 1799.68 pts
NFL equivalent: New York Giants
I’m undeterred in my decision to pick Bob as the pre-season favorite each of the last two years, even though that pressure ultimately destroyed his team. In fact, I’m already on board with Bob as the odds-on favorite to win the league in 2016, given his anticipated draft position and pledge to build next year’s team around Riley Cooper and Demarco Murray. Because that’s a sure sign of a winner...
Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome)
Projected finish: 3rd place, 2303.33 pts
Actual finish: 7th place, 1884.30 pts
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
I blame Sam Bradford for this. With a more reliable QB at the start of the season I would have easily challenged for the league title (provided that QB was Peyton Manning when he threw 55 TDs in 2013) and not had Bradford’s general dopiness infect the rest of my squad. Am I saying Jeremy Hill and Golden Tate would have been Pro Bowl players if they didn’t need to sit near Bradford? Of course not. But am I not saying that? Maybe. I lost my train of thought mid-play here … much like Sam Bradford.
3rd is the new 1st (Sam)
Projected finish: 8th place, 2023.23 pts
Actual finish: 6th place, 1966.87 pts
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers, but in 2014, not 2015
Rather confusingly, Sam finished neither third or first but instead sixth. But, most of Sam’s team was confusing this year. How could Aaron Rodgers be so terrible? How could Brandon LaFell and Charcandrick West become viable fantasy players? Who are all these other people that Sam has never heard of? And how did he not end up with the Patriots’ kicker this season, as is his team tradition? They’re the kinds of questions that haunt your offseason … for three minutes.
Cosby’s Sleeper (Mike)
Projected finish: 7th place, 2097.20 pts
Actual finish: 5th place, 1996.87 pts
NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons
There were times this season when both the Falcons and Mike’s squad looked like championship contenders. And then there was the end of the season, when both ended up just on the outside of respectability. Mike fell 3.13 pts short of reaching the 2000 pts mark for the season, largely due to his decision to leave Drew Brees on his bench for most of the year. But, unlike the Falcons, at least he doesn’t have to spend the offseason in the cesspool that is Hotlanta.
Yelp for help (Mom Doyle)
Projected finish: 12th place, 1804.54 pts
Actual finish: 4th place, 2007.60 pts
NFL equivalent: Pittsburgh Steelers
Great showing by our rookie coach, who week after week found ways to steal players off the waiver wire before I could get to them (we’ll be changing the waiver rules again next year as a result). Mom snuck over the finish line just out of medal position but over the 2000-pts threshold, which would sneak her into the playoffs if such a thing existed for us but gawd that would be two more weeks of recaps and I’m exhausted already. Even more impressive, she finished near the top despite carrying Demarco Murray’s dead weight all season, and with Eli Manning’s gaping maw staring into her soul. That’s fortitude right there.
1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant)
Projected finish: 11th place, 1894.99 pts
Actual finish: 3rd place, 2028.20 pts
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs
You know it’s an odd season when Anthony finishes near the top. Remember 2011, when he won the league and two weeks later we all caught SARS? Not a coincidence. Ant rode Adrian Peterson’s totally-not-doped legs up the charts to a bronze medal finish (again, no medal will be provided) and the admiration of his fellow coaches. Well, maybe not admiration. What’s the word when Jordan Matthews scores a meaningless late TD? Toleration. Yeah, we can totally tolerate him. Sometimes.
Gettin’ Chippy (Jo)
Projected finish: 2nd place, 2366.79 pts
Actual finish: 2nd place, 2189.61 pts
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
TRIPLE BOOM! Three spots right in my pre-season picks may be a personal record, but since no one has ponied up cash for a league historian yet, we’ll never know. Joanna followed up last year’s fourth-place, missed-1st-by-14-pts finish with an impressive second-place, missed-1st-by-86-points campaign. Most of that was Cam Newton and DeAngelo Williams, but credit is due for her starting Jordan Reed each week without becoming violently ill. Maybe things would have been better if she remembered to set her roster in week 9, maybe she could have won if Andy Reid didn’t underuse Jeremy Maclin, maybe she could have grabbed her first Awesome Cup title. But instead ...
Lake Weed Monsters (Dad)
Projected finish: 4th place, 2265.65 pts
Actual finish: 1st place, 2274.65 pts
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you our very first back-to-back Awesome Cup champion. In the league’s first 13 years, no one managed to repeat titles in consecutive years, but year 14 proved lucky for the reigning victor. And, much like the last team to repeat in the Super Bowl (the Patriots, c’mon, Sam, learn a little football), Dad did it with ruthless, shameless aggression. Rooting for Odell Beckham over the Eagles? Check. Giving up on Russell Wlison early to risk rolling with Blake Bortles? Check. Thoughtlessly tossing aside Eagles players to pick up Patriots? Check. Offering to trade LeSean McCoy to the Bill for nothing of real value in return? Probably, but it was done before he had a chance. But the overall strategy worked, and Dad coasted to another triumph, as his name is again engraved on our league trophy.
It should be noted again for the record that Dad lost in the weekly picks to me. Just saying.
As always, thanks to everyone for taking part this year. We’ll pick it up again in August, as Bob tries to justify his pre-season selection as the team to beat. Until then, go anybody but the Patriots and Maryland Racial Slurs.
1 comment:
Wait, is the season over?? Who won the superball??
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