Fantasy football 2023 -- final season recap

All the games have been played, all the scores have been tallied, and we have an Awesome Cup champion ready to taunt the 11 league losers for the next nine months of non-fantasy football. But before we say goodbye to this year and this rollercoaster of an Eagles season (Five Monday night games? We needed a fifth in the playoffs? Why did the football gods do this to us?) let’s take a look back at where everyone failed and just how bad the Yahoo preseason picks were:

 
All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo prediction: 1857.95 pts, 9th place
My prediction: 1999.98 pts, 6th place
Actual finish: 1657.07 pts, 12th place
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots
The expectations for Joel and the Patsies in August were not that high, but both teams managed to underachieve anyway. Maybe it was QB Trevor Lawrence’s fault — he couldn’t lead real or fantasy teams to the playoffs. Maybe it was too much faith by Joel in an overhyped 49ers defense. Maybe it was the fact that Joel started 10 inactive players over the last four weeks of the season. Whatever the cause, the only solution ahead for both teams is clear: Load Bill Belechick into a cannon and launch him into space. It’s for the good of the teams and the good of humanity.

Crumb Bums (Ant)
Yahoo prediction: 1810.37 pts, 12th place
My prediction: 1811.37 pts, 10th place
Actual finish: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: Maryland Commies
Not much was expected of Ant’s team, and not much was delivered. He did manage to kill QB Daniel Jones, RB JK Dobbins, RB Aaron Jones and the remainder of WR DeAndre Hopkins’ career over the course of the season, but his mediocre showing was more than just injuries and age. Cutting WR Diontae Johnson before he was good? Giving up on TE Pat Freiermuth and QB Geno Smith too early? Sometimes coaching is the problem. That’s why the Commies fired their coach one day after the season. Maybe Ant should put Maddie in charge of play calling next season.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo prediction: 1840.26 pts, 11th place
My prediction: 1601.01 pts, 12th place
Actual finish: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
There were times it looked like both of these teams could be the worst in the league, but they both pulled themselves up into relative respectability. But it’s tough to overcome bad drafting, and getting only a half season from WR Cooper Kupp, TE Mark Andrews and QB Deshaun Watson spelled eventual doom. About the only thing you can do with a depleted roster like Jeff’s or Arizona’s is ruin the Eagles season. Then again, just about any team can do that. All it requires is a pulse.

The team of many names (Paul)
Yahoo prediction: 1945.81 pts, 5th place
My prediction: 1695.44 pts, 11th place
Actual finish: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: Indianapolis Colts
Paul and the Colts were the feel-good-but-not-too-good story of 2023. The Colts looked like they could finish last in their division, but they contended for a playoff spot until the last minutes of the season. Paul looked like he would repeat in the league basement, but he pulled himself up into the single-digit spots. He set his roster almost every week. He led the league in roster moves! Progress!!! Sure, passing on RB Christian McCaffrey (#1 overall RB) to instead pick RB Austin Eckler (#31 overall RB) will haunt his dreams the whole offseason. But those dreams will be slightly higher up the ladder this time around.

No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo prediction: 1939.56 pts, 6th place
My prediction: 2167.89 pts, 2nd place
Actual finish: 1998.36 pts, 8th place
NFL equivalent: Denver Broncos
The Broncos were a laughing stock last year, but they took some small steps forward this season and could be a viable playoff team in 2024. Similarly, Bob’s squad did not make a huge jump ahead, but going from 9th last season to 8th this year is an improvement. Sure, his faith in QB Patrick Mahomes burned him, and he never really recovered from the Yahoo algorithm’s decision to draft four TEs. But there is momentum here. There is spirit. All that’s missing for both Bob and the Broncos is some sweet throwback orange uniforms for next year.

Standard Deviations (Sam)
Yahoo prediction: 1905.26 pts, 8th place
My prediction: 1965.26 pts, 7th place
Actual finish: 1998.77 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans
By the skin of his teeth, Sam edged out Bob to secure 7th place (just 0.41 pts!). But like the Texans' slim victory in the final game of the season, it was enough to put Sam and his squad at the edge of the playoff line (theoretically, since we still don’t have actual playoffs). Sure, QB Tua Tagovailoa’s late season swoon hurt, and RB Derrick Henry looks like he may be so gassed he can’t outrun a single linebacker (well, probably one on the Eagles, but that barely counts). But a year after finishing in 11th, Sam somehow made it all work enough to end on a positive note.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo prediction: 1856.46 pts, 10th place
My prediction: 1923.88 pts, 8th place
Actual finish: 2040.02 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers
Even when you think the Packers aren’t relevant, they somehow sneak into the playoffs. And even when you think Mike has put together an irredeemable team, he somehow pulls them up and finishes strong. What is the secret to success for both? It’s obvious: cheese. Cheese is what makes great coaches greater. Do you think Chiefs coach Andy Reid won by eliminating cheese from his diet? Did you know that Dallas coach Mike McCarthy’s brain is 79% cheddar? Mike is headed to Wisconsin in the offseason, and once he gets his cheese reserves up even higher, the league may not be able to handle his prowess.

Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo)
Yahoo prediction: 1989.47 pts, 1st place
My prediction: 2046.01 pts. 4th place
Actual finish: 2095.45 pts, 5th place
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
The curse of the Yahoo preseason favorite pick continues. Like the Eagles, there was so much expectation here. And like the Eagles (who did make the playoffs and won 11 games), you can’t really complain about the finish, given that Jo finished in the top five. But, still, both teams were leading the league standings early. Both looked like championship contenders. And both finished the season with a thud, with almost no help from TE Dallas Goedert and without a healthy D'Andre Swift on the roster. Here’s hoping the rest of January is kinder to Jo than it will be to the walking dead birds as they enter the postseason.

Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo prediction: 1950.91 pts, 4th place
My prediction: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Actual finish: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: 2023 Philadelphia Phillies
Yahoo may have gotten the ranking right, but check out how close I was on that point total — only 0.3% off. I could have finished higher if I hadn’t opted to draft all the bad Eagles RBs (Rashaad Penny and Kenneth Gainwell) instead of the one decent one (D'Andre Swift ). Or if my first-round pick, RB Nick Chubb, didn’t have his leg explode early. Or if I had bothered to get a real TE before week 10. This is actually the first time in 22 years of Awesome Cup history that I’ve finished in 4th, and the sixth time in seven years I’ve placed in the top five. Plus, I passed Jo’s team in the standings in just the last two weeks, so that will help me weather another spring without a championship title.

Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad)
Yahoo prediction: 1954.60 pts, 3rd place
My prediction: 1847.94 pts, 9th place
Actual finish: 2164.69 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills
Dad gets a podium finish, impressive considering he drafted from the 12th spot last fall. His bold strategy of picking QB Josh Allen over his team’s namesake, QB Jalen Hurts, gave him the margin he needed to stay ahead of my squad, even if it did call into question his true Philly fandom. And Dad averaged the most points off of defensive players — just under 10 pts a week — which is a savvy way to climb up the scoreboard. But his complete disregard for the WR position came back to haunt him. Don’t feel too bad, however: He still gets to take home the Garrity Family championship for the season, a lesser but still prestigious honor.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo prediction: 1935.31 pts, 7th place
My prediction: 2002.55 pts, 5th place
Actual finish: 2212.55 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
Last year’s champ looked like a real threat to repeat this season, thanks to the top TE (Sam LaPorta), the top WR (CeeDee Lamb) and #2 RB (Raheem Mostert). According to the league record book, Mom D had the most points from draft picks over the course of the season. And like the 49ers, for a brief moment late in the season she had the best team … but then got rolled by our actual champion. Still, it’s Mom’s third consecutive top 5 finish, establishing her as a team to watch in 2024. Sadly, she’ll be watching from the loser’s section with the rest of us, because the only name going on the Awesome Cup is …

 
The Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo prediction: 1957.05 pts, 2nd place
My prediction: 2302.32 pts, 1st place
Actual finish: 2241.70 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles
It only took our youngest coach three years to reach the champions' stand, an impressive turnaround for someone who didn’t know what a linebacker was just a short while ago (the Eagles still don’t, so …). If you’re gonna name your team “The Best” you better be prepared to back it up. He did. Jonathan drafted two of the top three RBs on the season (Christian McCaffery and Travis Etienne) and managed to stay afloat even as his Pro Bowl QB (Justin Herbert) went down in week 14. He was the second most active coach on the waiver wire and smartly stayed away from Philadelphia players all year long. He’s still not old enough to drink, but Jonathan gets to take a few swigs of sparkling cider from the cup that now bears his name on the side.

In case you’re keeping score at home (which you should be), I went 6-5-1 against Yahoo in the predictions this season, again proving that my prognosticating skills are superior to the so-called football experts out there. If only I could have channeled those stills into not picking WR Terry McLaurin over WR Mike Evans. Those extra 70 points would have almost won me the title.

As always, thanks for playing along and reading all year long. The boy may have come out victorious this season, but you’ll have the opportunity to dethrone him sooner than you think. Only 240 days until the next fantasy football season begins…

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 18 recap

Disappointed with how the Eagles season ended? You should be! The team has played like complete trash since Thanksgiving. But remember, there’s always another team whose fans are even more tortured than yours. Consider these franchises who were even bigger flops this season:

** Jacksonville Jaguars: As of Nov. 30, the Eagles and Jaguars were both the #1 seeds in their respective divisions. At 8-3, all the Jags needed to do to punch a ticket to the postseason was win two of their final six games. They didn’t, and fell all the way to the 9th seed in the conference after an embarrassing 28-20 loss to the 5-11 Titans in the last game of the season. Have fun at home, Trevor Lawrence.

** Carolina Panthers: After trading for the #1 pick last season, the Panthers only managed two wins all season. They didn’t score a single point in their last two games. But at least finishing the year with the worst record in the NFL gets them another #1 selection, right? Wrong. The team traded their 2024 first-round pick away to the Bears last year, and have to sit out the first 32 selections in the upcoming draft. So much for getting better in 2024.

** Los Angeles Chargers: The team entered the season as a trendy dark horse pick for a Super Bowl run. The reality was a pathetic 5-12 season where they finished with a 13-12 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs … backups. The team wasn’t above .500 at any point in the season, and their only win in the last nine games was a 6-0 victory against the Patriots. They’ve won two playoff games in the last 15 years. Maybe the Super Bowl isn’t a realistic goal.

** Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals started the season 1-3 and lost their star QB, Joe Burrow, to an injury halfway through the year. Yet the team persevered, and won their final game of the year to pull their record to 9-8, making the AFC North the only division to have all teams with winning records. Sadly for the Bengals, they are the only one of the group not headed for the postseason, losing out on a series of tiebreakers to the division rival Steelers and recent postseason rival Bills.

** Cleveland Browns: They’re 11-5 and in the playoffs. The team looks like a real contender. And you know it isn’t going to last. These are the Browns. Those poor fans.

Top QBs of the year

3rd place: Jalen Hurts, 403.32 pts — 3rd QB drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Dak Prescott, 415.34 pts — 10th QB drafted (Mike)
1st place: Josh Allen, 450.64 pts — 2nd QB drafted (Dad)

Packers QB Jordan Love was the real steal here. He was 4th in total points scored, just 20 behind Hurts, and went undrafted. Hurts would have finished second if not for a ridiculously bad 0.60 pts performance in the season finale. Of course, finishing behind the Cowboys is something a lot of the Eagles players did this year…

Top WRs of the year

3rd place: Amon-Ra St. Brown, 223.90 pts — 8th WR drafted (Mike)
2nd place: Tyreek Hill, 259.43 pts — 4th WR drafted (Jo)
1st place: CeeDee Lamb, 277.90 pts — 7th QR drafted (Mom D)

More than halfway through the season, Hill was on pace for 2,000 yds receiving and was a shoo-in to be the top fantasy receiver of the year. Then he averaged fewer than 65 yds and 8.5 fantasy pts over his last five games and fell back to second. Lamb scored nine TDs in his last nine games, and posted 30 catches for 443 yards in his last three games. That was better than Packers WR Christian Watson had all year, and he had the #4 QB throwing to him (when he was healthy).

Top RBs of the year

3rd place: Travis Etienne, 238.53 pts — 11th RB drafted (Jonathan)
2nd place: Raheem Mostert, 249.37 pts — 48th RB drafted (Mom D)
1st place: Christian McCaffrey, 340.00 pts — 2nd RB drafted (Jonathan)

Think Mostert was a steal? The #4 RB on the season was the Rams Kyren Williams, undrafted in our league (and most others). Chargers RB Austin Ekeler, the top pick in our draft, didn’t finish in the top 30. And the distance between McCaffery and Mostert was the same fantasy value (about 91 pts) as WR Tyler Boyd, who was drafted two spots after Mostert in the 16th round.

Top TEs of the year

3rd place: Travis Kelce, 140.60 pts — 1st TE drafted (Mike)
2nd place: Evan Engram, 142.70 pts — 8th TE drafted (Bob)
1st place: Sam LaPorta, 167.17 pts — 15th TE drafted (Mom D)

Hey, remember the 2015 NFL season? You know, RB Devonta Freeman dominating the league? QB Cam Newton winning the MVP? Anyways, that’s the last time that Tavis Kelce wasn’t the top three TEs on the year. Even in a down year for him, he’s still in a different class than the rest. But LaPorta is only a rookie, we might be seeing the start of the next fantasy TE juggernaut.

Top Ks of the year

3rd place: Cairo Santos, 158.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Justin Tucker, 160.00 pts — 1st K drafted (Jo)
1st place: Brandon Aubrey, 181.00 pts — undrafted

At least Aubrey eventually got picked up by Sam. Santos, the Bears kicker, never made it onto any team in our league, despite outscoring all but two other players at the position. But no one should feel bad about that, because these are kickers, and they do not matter.

Top DEFs of the year

3rd place: Cleveland, 165.00 pts — 21st DEF drafted (Mom D)
2nd place: Baltimore, 188.00 pts — 9th DEF drafted (Dad)
1st place: Dallas, 189.00 pts — 3rd DEF drafted (Sam)

The 49ers were the second DEF drafted, and finished 10th on the year despite constant hype over them. The Eagles were the first DEF drafted in our league — they finished 28th. The Maryland Commanders were the worst defense on the year, reaching just 40.00 fantasy pts. They totaled -1.00 pts over the last eight games of the season. Ouch.

Top Ds of the year

2nd place: (tie) Antoine Winfield, 82.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: (tie) DaRon Bland, 82.00 pts — undrafted
1st place: T.J. Watt, 88.00 pts — undrafted

Someday we’ll draft a top defensive player. Someday.

QB: Derek Carr, 35.16 pts — on Mike’s bench
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 25.73 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Breece Hall, 27.60 pts — started by Bob
TE: Evan Engram, 16.27 pts — started by Bob
K: Cameron Dicker, 15.00 pts — started by Jeff
DEF: Tampa Bay, 22.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Christian Wilkins, 8.50 pts — on the wire

It’s worth noting that Mike started the number two QB on the week (Prescott, 33.16 pts) and cost himself two whole points. You can feel sorry for him.

It’s also worth remembering that the Eagles selected WR Jalen Reagor in the 2020 draft three spots after Lamb and one spot ahead of WR Justin Jefferson. And that will never not suck.

“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Jonathan Williams, -0.20 pts — on the wire
4th place: Matt Barkley, -0.30 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Logan Woodside, -0.32 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nathan Peterman, -0.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kyle Allen, -1.30 pts — on the wire

The bottom four this year were all QBs, and all except Woodside accumulated their negative fantasy points with kneel downs at the end of games. For Allen, that meant his entire contribution to the Bills’ playoff run was 13 kneel downs for -13 yards.

Woodside at least saw a little playing time in the Saints finale, passing for 27 yds but also throwing a pick. Williams, a running back, had one rush for -2 yards in week 15, the only time the Commanders let him on the field this season.

Jets QB Aaron Rodgers, who was paid $50 million by the New Jersey franchise this season and had 17 billion stories written about him, scored exactly 0.00 pts this season, slightly ahead of this crowd.


** Buccaneers coach Todd Bowles — whose team will host the Eagles next week — was asked after Sunday’s less-than impressive 9-0 win over the Panthers how his team managed to secure the NFC South title this year despite the departure of QB Tom Brady and other stars in the offseason.

“There’s a lot of ways to skin a cat,” he said. “The guys believed in each other. They never fed into the outside media. We wrote our own narrative. We worked hard, we practiced hard and they got it done.”

That’s a lovely sentiment. Of course, the actual answer to the question is “because our division was complete trash.” The 9-8 Bucs were 5-6 outside of their own division, the best record of any NFC South team. Combined, the four squads were 15-29 (.341 win percentage) against the rest of the league. But, sure, write your own narrative.

** QB Jalen Hurts was asked about his team’s chances of beating those Buccaneers next week. His response: "I truly believe this team is more than capable of taking advantage of what's in front of us.”

That’s a weird way to put it, since the only thing that has been taken advantage of lately is that awful Eagles defense, on nearly every play.

** NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth gave us a few more gems in the final Sunday night game of the season. The worst was after a nice catch by Bills rookie TE Dalton Kincaid, which prompted this comment:

“I’m not going to compare Dalton Kincaid to Travis Kelce. Travis Kelce is a Hall of Famer. But that style of player, that’s exactly what the Bills have in Dalton Kincaid.”

Gotcha. Kincaid is not like Kelce, he’s just exactly the same kind of player. No hyperbole there, just reasoned comparisons.

The NFL season will end next month with Super Bowl LVIII at Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas. To celebrate the historic occasion, Vegas bookkeepers are offering special rates not just on the playoff games leading up to the championship but also on a host of other football-related wagers too. Here’s a look at the latest odds on some of the best bets:

** $10 bet wins $30 — Taylor Swift will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.

** $10 bet wins $11 — The NFL refs will blow a crucial call that decides a playoff game and destroys a fan base.

** $10 bet wins $50 — Aaron Rodgers will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.

** $10 bet wins $10.50 — When the 49ers lose in the playoffs again, the high-pitched whining from the fan base will be so loud that whales off the coast of China will beach themselves in confusion.

** $10 bet wins $100 — No one in America will see Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game after the Peacock network goes bankrupt 15 minutes before kickoff.

** $10 bet wins $2,000 — RB Boston Scott will have a positive, relevant play in the Eagles first-round playoff game.

** $10 bet wins $500 — Andy Reid will eat Travis Kelce in a new Allstate commercial that premiers during the Chiefs first-round playoff game.

** $666 bet wins $666.01 — Cowboys fans will be insufferable.

Dallas enters the playoffs in its best shape in years, and is already eyeing a second round post-season win for the first time since 1995 (four years before team WR CeeDee Lamb was born). During those nearly three decades, the NFL and its fans have enjoyed enormous prosperity and peace, without the mark of the devil adorning the championship trophy. Sadly, that cosmic harmony may be in danger this year. And what will it mean if the Cowboys do make it to the final game of the season, not just for the sport, but for all mankind?

Alas, my friends, we all clearly see the answer already. It’s spelled out plainly by the letters in the threat:

The Dallas Cowboys return to the Super Bowl game
** Damage, woe to us — crypts burst below, hell on earth

Repent now, all ye good fans, for the end times may be nigh.

** Dad came into the week needing to pick every game right to force a tiebreaker in our yearly picks contest, and he put up a valiant effort. But his 12-4 showing wasn’t enough, and I claimed the fourth consecutive title in our matchup. I’m now 9-5 against him since 2010, and we don’t need to worry about what the record was before that.

For the season, Dad picked winners 59.6% of the time, while I had a 65.8% correct rate — my best season in years. In fact, that’s better than all 10 “experts” on ESPN’s big prediction board. And yet, the worldwide leader in sports still refuses to pay me for my skills. Unbelievable.

** FYI, if I had done a worst performers of the week list, Eagles WR AJ Brown would have been on it (-0.90 pts). Ugh.

** Monday’s Eagles playoff game in Tampa will come almost exactly two years from the last time these two met in the playoffs: An ugly 31-15 loss by Philly where Hurts looked lost and embarrassed. But after that, the Eagles won 26 of their next 31 games and took a trip to the Super Bowl. So, if the team does go belly up next week as expected … maybe things could get good again? Wishful thinking for those ugly weeks ahead?


The final Awesome Cup standings will be unveiled on Tuesday in the final season recap.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 17 recap

The Eagles loss to the Cardinals on Sunday appeared to be a devastating blow to their playoff hopes this year, but that’s not a fair way to look at the contest. It’s actually a devastating blow to the team’s season AND future, plus a giant boon to all the other teams in the NFL you hate, damaging the birds possibly for the next decade. Consider:

** The loss handed the #2 seed to the Cowboys, giving them a guaranteed home game in the first and second round of the playoffs. The Cowboys went 8-0 at home this season. An Eagles win would have forced them on the road, where they went 4-7 last year (including the end of the 2022 season). Instead of a possible first-round exit for the Cowboys, now it’s easy to imagine a fluke upset of an inconsistent 49ers team in the second round leading to the NFC championship game being held in Dallas and a free trip to the Super Bowl for the Cowboys because the Eagles could not win over a 3-12 team.

** The Cardinals win dropped them from #2 in the 2023 draft order to #4. The Commanders moved up to #2, and the Patriots to #3. Both of those teams are desperate for QB help … and this draft has three elite prospects. By losing to a 3-12 team, the Eagles may have just given both of those franchises passers who become Pro Bowl starters over the next few years.

** It’s widely assumed that Patriots Coach Bill Belichick will step away from New England at the end of the season, after another disappointing campaign. But if the team does get a new star QB, could that change? Could he stick around a few more years? And if he does, does he pick up 27 wins over the next three or four years to break the all-time coaching victories mark? If so, he’ll be able to point back to the Eagles losing to a 3-12 team as the turning point for his revitalization.

** And what about the Eagles themselves? Coach Nick Sirianni just got beat by his former defensive coordinator, Jonathan Gannon, whose team was 3-12 coming into the week. His former offensive coordinator, Shane Steichen, is in the coach of the year debate for his work with an undermanned Colts team. Could the front office force Sirianni to make changes after the team’s upcoming first-round playoff loss? And if he balks, does the overly emotional coach end up losing his job? If so, the easiest thing would be to promote someone from within … which is how the Eagles could end up with Matt Patricia (13-29-1) as their head coach next season, a nightmare scenario which cripples the franchise for the next five years.

So don’t think of the Eagles loss to the Cardinals as a hard-to-swallow loss. Think of it as possibly the start of the darkest chapter of football you’ve ever considered. Feel better now?

QB: Lamar Jackson, 46.34 pts — started by me
WR: Davante Adams, 26.90 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Kyren Williams, 28.63 pts — started by me
TE: Juwan Johnson, 16.00 pts — on the wire
K: Harrison Butker, 24.00 pts — started by Mom
DEF: Houston, 24.00 pts — on the wire
D: Jermaine Johnson, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Jackson, who will likely be named the league’s MVP in a few weeks, has led all players in fantasy points over the last four weeks. Number two on that list? The guy he replaced: 38-year-old Joe Flacco, now starting for the Browns. Flacco threw for more TDs in December than any other player (13) after playing zero downs the first 12 weeks of the season. Utterly absurd.

Houston was the second-best defense in the league in December. The best? The LA Raiders, of course, who totaled 63.00 pts … including the 1.00 pts they scored in Sunday’s loss to the Colts. This is the second week in a row I’ve had to write something about the Raiders inconsistency, and frankly, I don’t care enough about them to make it three in a row, no matter what they do in the finale.

The top performers list includes a Jackson, two Johnsons, an Adams and a Williams. That’s a collection of really, really boring last names. How did we miss a dude named Smith?

“More bad QBs” edition

3rd place: Desmond Ridder, -1.32 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Will Levis, -1.36 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mike White, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Seven QBs ended up in negative territory this week, a record for this season. Three of them were backups who lost points on game-ending kneedowns. All of the others were losers, including White (who fumbled in the waning moments of the Dolphins game) and Levis (who lost a fumble early before being forced out due to injury).

This was the sixth game out of 14 this year that Ridder, the sometimes Falcons’ starter, has posted fewer than 10 fantasy points. He’s the 23rd ranked fantasy QB, just behind Kirk Cousins (who suffered a season-ending injury in week 8) and 4.04 pts ahead of Joe Burrow (who suffered a season-ending injury in week 11). The Falcons have lost six games this season by 8 points or fewer, and would have easily won the NFC South if they went 3-3 in those contests.

It’s worth noting that the Falcons were among the teams that could have easily signed Lamar Jackson in the offseason, but said they were comfortable with what they had in house. And because of that, they’ll be spending lots of time at home this postseason.



** After Michigan’s college football playoff win over Alabama (who should have been ranked 8th or 9th and not 4th, but that’s another story), ESPN announcer Chris Fowler shrieked in delight that “The Wolverines storybook season continues, and they head to the championship game!”

And that is a great description, if you read the kind of storybooks where Cinderella cheated her stepsisters to get to the ball and then, after meeting the prince, had to jail her fairy godmother for a separate series of fraud acts while claiming that the royal family was just out to get her for no reason, then lived happily ever after. But, it’s the NCAA, there aren’t really rules anyone needs to follow.

** ESPN headline on Monday: Will Panthers’ Bryce Young grow like Jaguars’ Trevor Lawrence?

From the story: “The Panthers can only hope Young improves over the next couple of seasons the way Lawrence has.”

Lawrence, who like Young was a much-hyped #1 overall pick, is the 20th-ranked passer on the year and has not been a top-10 QB any of his three years in the league. He may not have his contract extended by Jacksonville this offseason. Meanwhile, the guy drafted first one year before Lawrence — Bengals QB Joe Burrow — is considered to be one of the best in all of football and just signed a $275 million contract extension last summer. Seems like he’d be a better target goal…

But, um, yeah. Hopefully Young can improve to the same level as Lawrence. It’ll make it easier for Carolina to leave him on the side of the road somewhere.

Speaking of Carolina, Panthers owner David Tepper was caught on camera throwing a drink at a Jaguars fan from a luxury box during his team’s shutout loss on Sunday. The NFL has promised to investigate the incident, but it’s hardly the only instance of inexcusable ownership behavior. Here are a few of the incidents that didn’t get publicity but deserve similar public condemnation:

** Browns owner Jimmy Haslam is under federal investigation for illegal payments to boost the value of the company Pilot ahead of its sale. Reportedly, Haslam needed the cash to pay QB Desean Watson even more not to play for his team.

** Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti has been accused of colluding with fellow owners last summer to restrict the market for QB Lamar Jackson, a move designed to save his franchise money. If this one isn’t true, it would mean a lot of GMs who ignored Jackson were just dumb, and we know that can’t be the case.

** Eagles owner Jeffery Laurie has been indicted for causing mass injuries resulting from blood vessels bursting in the heads of Philadelphia fans after his team lost to a 3-12 CARDINALS TEAM FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD.

** Colts owner Jim Irsay last month said he was arrested for driving while intoxicated because police were profiling him as “a rich, white billionaire.” And that’s why you always see Bill Gates being stopped by cops whenever he is in town.

** Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been drinking the blood of young children and puppies for decades to help him stay alive. The NFL still plans no action to address this.


Cowboys DT Carl Davis has been on seven different NFL teams in his eight-year NFL career, but he appears to have found a long-term home with in Dallas this season. It’s not because of his play — he only has three tackles on the season — but instead the personality and character which he has brought to the locker room since his rookie year. And that, of course, was all spelled out in his name when he was drafted back in 2015:

Rookie Carl Davis
** A sad, virile crook
** A coked visor liar
** A sicko rival doer
** A dark voice roils
** A loser. Avoid, Rick.

Really, all of us should avoid Davis and all the Cowboys, not just Rick. But if there are any Richards in your life, please let them know.

** Congrats to Dad, who won the Garrity Family League handily this week with a 181.18 to 148.32 drubbing of Shelly’s team. It’s only her third loss on the season, but it comes when the games count the most. Before the season, Yahoo picked Dad’s team as the fifth-best out of eight, and Shelly sixth. The expert algorithm also picked Uncle Jim to win the league, and he finished dead last.

I finished third in the standings, just edging out Mom’s infuriating team that won despite never scoring points. That gives me two third-place finishes in three of my fantasy leagues, also known as the bronze “always out of the money” medal. Maybe with a good rally this week I can finish third in the Awesome Cup too.

** Condolences to Dad, who went 1-5 in our weekly picks to drop to minus-16 for the season in the head-to-head contest. He’ll need to pick every single game right this week to force a tiebreaker, which is a tall order considering he’s only batting .586 on the season. But upset miracles do happen, just ask the Cardinals.

** So Jonathan Gannon ended the Eagles season two years in a row. Great. Just great.

** If you didn’t see the conclusion of the Pop Tart Bowl on Dec. 28, please go watch it now. It’ll wash the taste of bad football out of your mouth … and put other tastes in there. 

Week 17 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 2144.31 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 2105.99 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 2074.83 pts
4 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 2023.68 pts
5 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1989.71 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1950.69 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1892.02 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1878.98 pts
9 — Holiday Hangovers (Paul), 1778.78 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1655.17 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1613.67 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1601.17 pts

Only two real moves in the standings to chat about this week — Ant climbed out of the cellar and left Joel’s body down there, and I leapfrogged Jo to claim fourth place. Neither of those moves will likely feature in the championship.

In fact, Jonathan has such a commanding lead over most of the field that he could probably bench all of his players and safely beat anyone except Dad and Mom D. As it is, Dad is going to need to outscore our leader by 70 pts this week to claim another Awesome Cup title. Mom D has a better shot at grabbing back-to-back championships, trailing her grandson by only 38.32 pts. But both she and the boy have a lot of players likely to sit this week, making those last-minute roster moves all the more critical.

This is it: your last chance to improve your squad, reach for glory or simply add Nick Foles to your roster because it feels right. Two games are Saturday night, the rest are Sunday. For the final time this season, get those teams ready for one last run onto the field.