On base at Fort Awesome

State of the (Philly sports) Union

2012-01-23T22:17:00.000-05:00

[Remarks as prepared for delivery]

My fellow Philadelphia sports fans,

As I stand here before you tonight, I know many of you share my great concern with the days ahead. In less than two weeks, our nation will once again be forced to endure a Boston/New York championship match-up. Our own beloved city is still mired in a one-for-114-seasons title drought. The Phillies failed to achieve last year's high hopes, and the Eagles crushed our dreams of a playoff breakthrough as well. Our city has already braced itself for an amusing but ultimately fruitless hockey and basketball season.

But despite those trials, I am here tonight to assure you, my fellow Sons of Ben, that the state of our union is stronger than ever.

What many of you are calling reason for despair, I see as a sign of hope and greatness yet to come. Yes, the Phillies disappointed us last season. But their 102 wins was a high-water mark for a franchise whose history has redefined what failure in sports means. In just a few years the franchise has gone from a 10,000-time loser to a five-time division champion. And with LeRoy Halladay and Mr. Clifton Phifer Lee still on the team, there is no reason to believe that success is all in the past.

Your Sixers, while flawed, are showing signs of life not witnessed for more than a decade. Your Flyers, while flawed, may have just completed the quickest rebuilding period in major sports history. Both are still far from being championship caliber. Yet, isn't that exactly what we said in the summer on 2008, when another flawed bunch of local heroes scrapped their way into the postseason, then into the championship, and then into history? Who are we to say that these two teams are too far away from the promised land that we should ignore their growing list of achievements?

The Eagles remain a constant source of frustration and heartbreak, and appear further from the ultimate victory than any point in the last decade. But let me remind you that this disaster of a squad sat just one win away from taking the Giants spot in the playoffs this year, proof that even a small break could be the difference between a Tony-Romo-style disaster and the next Tom Brady. Indeed, I stand here tonight to tell you that I believe this team is only one piece away from reaching that lofty goal, and with just a small chance, we could see that glory soon.

(Of course, that one piece is a head coach who knows what a linebacker is, but I digress.)

Yes, there are still injustices in the world. As I speak to you tonight, Boston's football team is preparing for another Super Bowl, and their hockey team is just returning from a victory lap around the White House after last year's Stanley Cup. We sit dangerously close to serious conversations about whether Eli Manning is one of the best quarterbacks of all time. And, this early in the season, the Phillies look like they face serious threats from all sides in their own division, including the Miami Marlins, a team that didn't even exist last October yet somehow owns two World Series titles.

But we cannot let these setbacks tear us apart, as if we were fair-weather Cowboys or Yankees fans. We must believe. We must endure. We must continue to boo. Our very nature is to be pessimistic, but we must be wary not to let that realistic criticism turn to fatalism. We are not Cleveland -- We will reach the top again.

And when we do, we will greet it with the unbridled joy that can only be found on the honest ground of Broad Street, not the phony pavement of Broadway. When you see the Eagles pass on third-and-one, remember Pat Burrell's wave as he crossed over Oregon Avenue. When you see Brian Schneider weakly pop up to left field, remember Chase Utley infuriating the local censors with his unbridled excitement. When you see see a collapsing concussion check drop another Flyers forward, remember when we all sang High Hopes the loudest we ever had.

Thank you. God bless you, God bless America, and God Bless Billy Penn. And screw Eli Manning. Seriously, how does that dope keep winning?

[To be delivered by the Philadelphia Phanatic]

Congrats to Green Bay!

2012-01-17T21:03:00.002-05:00

In another record-setting move on Sunday, Packers became the first team in NFL history with 15 or more wins to lose in their first playoff game. Prior to that, every team that scored that many regular season wins made it at least to the conference championship game.

Their loss also guarantees that, for the eighth year in a row, the NFL Super Bowl champion will not be the regular season champion. In the 14 years prior to that, it happened seven times.

College bowl games, by the numbers

2012-01-10T20:38:00.000-05:00

After last night’s thrilling BCS national championship game (Alabama 21, LSU 0), here’s a quick look at the 2011 bowl season:

Teams in college bowl games this season: 70

Teams scoring 21 or more points: 47
Teams scoring 41 or more points: 10
Teams scoring zero points: 1 (LSU)

Games with 50 or more total points: 18
Games with 60 or more total points: 12
Games with 21 or more points in one quarter: 21
Games with 21 or fewer total points total: 1 (Alabama vs LSU)

Games with 10 or more TDs: 6
Games with only 1 TD: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)
Games with 5 or more FG attempts: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)

Games decided by less than 8 points: 19
Games decided in overtime: 3
Games that were completely unwatchable: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)

So, again, thanks to the NCAA for that great SEC rematch as the final taste of college football for the year. It was slightly more exciting than the 9-6 OT win by LSU in the first meeting. But any of the other 34 bowl games would have been more enjoyable.

2011 fantasy recap, final standings

2012-01-03T21:24:00.007-05:00

It's been a long, difficult fight, but our fantasy season is once again at an end. Before we award the 10th Awesome Cup championship (or Awesome Cup X, if you prefer), let's take a minute to ridicule the 11 other teams that fell short in the pursuit of greatness.

TEAM: I Heart WRs (Paul)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2029 pts, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1883.67 pts, 12th place
WHAT HAPPENED? In a dramatic finish, Paul earns the bottom spot in the league by finishing a mere 0.56 pts behind Joel. That's the closest finish we've ever had, and it's especially harsh news for Paul, who had the #1 pick at the start of the season. In his defense, our resident soccer expert thought we were playing European football this year, which explains why he started Landon Donovan at RB the last six weeks.

TEAM: Stafford Infection (Joel)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2134 pts, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1884.23 pts, 11th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Joel's final-week heroics allow him to escape the ignominy of finishing in last two years in a row. Instead, he just finishes in terrible shape two years in a row. Worse news still, he loses out on the Andrew Luck sweepstakes for next year. I think it'd be funny to rig the fantasy draft next year so that Paul has to take the Stanford QB. I might just do that.

TEAM: Kickers rule (Sam)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1802 pts, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2001.24 pts, 10th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nobody whined more about the league this year than our newbie, and his constant complaints and inattentive coaching earned him a disappointing bottom three finish. I just noticed this week that Sam drafted a defense three rounds before everyone else (round five) and a kicker five round before the crowd (round 4). That's the kind of rebellious, daring coaching that you see out of Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. What Sam forgot, though, is that Belichick only wins when his team cheats. Maybe try that next year.

TEAM: Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1977 pts, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2038.97 pts, 9th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Got that prediction right on. How did Bob grab the top fantasy player in the league (Packers QB Aaron Rodgers) and still manage to finish in the bottom half of the league? That's like having the top rusher in the league but still managing a losing record. But you didn't see RB Maurice Jones Drew and the Jacksonville Jaguars have that problem, did you? Oh, wait, you did? Nevermind.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2338 pts, 1st place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2085.13 pts, 8th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Next time I'm tempted to pick Jeff to win the league, remind me of this year. Jeff ended the year with two stars on injured reserve (RB Rashard Mendenhall and QB Jay Cutler) and two members of the Maryland Racial Slurs in his starting lineup (it doesn't matter who, they were all dogs.) None of his wideouts broke the 1,000-yard mark, and only 8 of his final 18 players were on winning teams. Losing breeds losers. That Maryland team is proof.

TEAM: Jonathan's PopPop (Dad)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2201 pts, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2107.15 pts, 7th place
WHAT HAPPENED? The amazing part of Dad's 7th place finish isn't how high he ended up -- he had been as low as 11th at one point -- but instead just how far back 7th place is. He finished more than 384 pts out of first. If we extended the season by three weeks just for everyone below 6th place, and they all kept pace with their weekly average, they still couldn't grab the top spot. That's like the Houston Astros last fall finishing 40 games (or a month and a half) out of first place.

TEAM: Taxing Job Creators (Jim)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2332 pts, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2167.09 pts, 6th place
WHAT HAPPENED? I'm still not sure how Jim's team finished so low, so I'm gonna blame the election season. Our resident Steelers fan actually finished the year starting two Ravens (RB Ray Rice and the Baltimore defense), two Cowboys (WR Miles Austin and TE Jason Witten) and a former Bengal (now Oakland QB Carson Palmer). If that's not compromising your values for points/votes, I don't know what is. And, much like the Rick Perry campaign, it's just not going to work.

TEAM: Boy named Boy (ChampMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1884 pts, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2178.11 pts, 5th place
WHAT HAPPENED? To be fair, I never really thought ChampMike would finish that poorly, but I wanted him to. Between RB Rashard Jennings and WR Vincent Jackson, I have about three years of fantasy football torment, and QB Tony Romo is unlikable for obvious reasons. Another note for next season: We're doing the entire fantasy draft without any Cowboys available. I could even come up with a great anagram for "Cowboy-less fantasy draft" ... but not right now, because I've still got four more team recaps to write.

TEAM: Akers Breaky Heart (Jo)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2136 pts, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2277.38 pts, 4th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nailed that prediction too. Joanna managed her squad to the highest-ever finish by a kicker-centered team (We all remember the "Nice Rackers" disaster fielded back in 2005). One could argue that David Akers was more valuable in both real life and fantasy life than Jo's QB, Tom Brady. One could also argue that Andy Reid is a terrific game-day coach. Neither would be true, but it's just fun to argue sometimes.

TEAM: The Wildcat's Corpse (NewMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2098 pts, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2361.28 pts, 3rd place
WHAT HAPPENED? If not for a spate of injuries, NewMike would be celebrating his second league title right now. WR Andre Johnson and RB Fred Jackson killed his chances down the stretch, even as the QB Matt Stafford and WR Calvin Johnson combo tore apart the league. But in retrospect, he never should have been that close. NewMike drafted QB Donovan McNabb with his final pick this year, and everyone knows that guy can't win anymore.

TEAM: Anguish and Ammo (Capt. Awesome)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2275 pts, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2436.67 pts, 2nd place
WHAT HAPPENED? I came thiiiiiiis close to claiming my third Awesome Cup title this season, which would have been an unprecedented triumph in the history of the league. I don't think you appreciate how difficult it is to perform at this high level of excellence when you set and oversee all the rules for a fantasy game like this. The fact that I finished this high despite having the twin albatrosses of QB Eli Manning and the Eagles defense speaks to both my superb coaching and the greatness of RB LeSean McCoy. And, of course, let's not forget the leadership that S Brian Dawkins brought to the table. You always need good leadership to bring a fantasy squad together.

TEAM: Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2016 pts, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2491.33 pts, 1st place
WHAT HAPPENED? Ladies and gentlemen, that cool breeze that just blew into town was actually hell freezing over. Anthony, who twice before has finished fourth and three times finished second, finally managed to finish on top this season. His victory is the result of a mix of lucky draft picks, savvy wire pick-ups and a groundbreaking strategy of "actually setting the lineup each week," something many teams fail to accomplish.

In fairness, Anthony did have an advantage this season -- He had two and a half co-managers helping him, with his daughter and expecting wife working in the wings. But, give credit where credit is due. Congrats, Dingus. Your name has been added to the list of greats:

Thanks again everyone for the chuckles this year. Remember to check back at this site through the playoffs and through the off-season for a few more laughs (only a few. I limit it to no more than three laughs a month during the down months) and we'll be back at it again next season.

2011 fantasy recap, week 17

2012-01-02T21:33:00.001-05:00

NFL executives would prefer you remember this season as the year multiple passing and receiving records were broken, but what fans should remember is just how bad nearly every team played the last four months. Consider the following:

** The Patriots come-from-behind win on Sunday was the 11th time this season a team trailed by at least 17 points but found a way to win. According to the NFL stats department, that's a new record.

** The Broncos and Bengals, both AFC teams facing a win-and-in scenario on Sunday, opted to lose their way into the playoffs instead. The Broncos actually lost their last three games, but still got a playoff spot.

** Only one team who won their division in 2010 managed a repeat in 2011 (The Patriots).

** The 8-8 Philadelphia Eagles would have earned a playoff berth if they had managed just one more win over the course of the season. The Eagles led in the fourth quarter of five of those eight losses.

** Only 12 teams (out of 32) managed a winning record this season. The only team above .500 not to make the playoffs was the Titans, who lost out on the last wild card spot on tiebreakers.

QB: Matt Flynn, 51.20 pts -- on the wire
RB: Ray Rice, 33.63 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Jordy Nelson, 37.80 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.20 pts -- started by Ant
K: Dan Carpenter, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 24.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Curtis Lofton, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Matt Flynn. Congrats on winning a big free agent contract from the Maryland Racial Slurs with that 480-yard-six-TD performance. Whoever said the final week of the season doesn't matter? Oh, wait, that's right, everyone said that. Because it doesn't.

Top performers of the year
QB: Aaron Rodgers, 487.42 pts -- 1st QB drafted (Bobert)
RB: LeSean McCoy, 318.90 pts -- 8th RB drafted (me)
WR: Wes Welker, 275.84 pts -- 11th WR drafted (Sam)
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 260.69 pts -- 18th TE drafted (Ant)
K: David Akers, 176.00 pts -- 2nd kicker drafted (Jo)
DEF: San Fran, 216.00 pts -- 11th defense drafted (Jo)
D: Jared Allen, 85.00 pts -- undrafted (NewMike)

Props to Joanna for getting on this list twice, but Anthony found the real steals this year. Besides Gronkowski, he got the #4 QB (Cam Newton) off the waiver wire and grabbed Jordy Nelson -- who later turned into the league's sixth best WR -- as the 46th wideout taken in the draft.

Biggest bust of the year goes to Dad, who had the unfortunate luck to see his #1 pick (Jamaal Charles, fourth RB taken) go down in game two of the season and finish the 103rd ranked RB in the league.

Honorable mention goes to ChampMike, who started QB Tony Romo for most of the season, thereby forfeiting his soul for eternity.

Worst performers of the year
3rd place: Bills QB Tyler Thigpen, -0.20 pts
2nd place: Chargers QB Billy Volek, -0.50 pts
1st place: Eagles DB Curtis Marsh, -3.10 pts

Only five players managed to finish the year in negative territory. Four of them were QBs who saw just a few snaps and combined to total fewer than -1.00 pts. And then there was Curtis Marsh, whose only significant contribution to the world was two special team fumbles on consecutive weeks.

But I can't think of anyone more deserving to end up at the bottom of the pile at the end of this wretched football season than an Eagles defensive back. No team is spending more on their secondary this year than Philadelphia, and few teams saw less from their investment than the Eagles.

Here's a quick round-up of the New Year's resolutions members of the Eagles' team made this weekend:

** Mike Vick: Get injured fewer than six times next season.
** Asante Samuel: Double this year's work, make two tackles next year.
** Juan Castillo: Learn what a linebacker does.
** Nnamdi Asomugha: Double this year's work, block two passes next year
** Andy Reid: Find some more bad defensive backs to throw money at.
** LeSean McCoy: Stop trying so hard for really lousy teams.
** DeSean Jackson: Find another team to play for.

Sport Illustrated had a snotty little column today by Michael Farber calling the annual hockey Winter Classic a fraud because "This group of NHLers never played hockey outdoors" and the premise doesn't have any real connection to the sport. A few points on that:

1) Shut up.
2) Hockey fans don't love this game because it reminds them of when Jeremy Roenick was a kid playing hockey outside. They love it because it reminds them of themselves playing bad hockey outside.
3) Shut up.
4) Since when does there have to be a good reason for a fun new venue? One of the best college football games of the last 10 years was that ridiculous contest Northwestern had at Wrigley Field. Sports are allowed to be fun sometimes.
5) Heaven forbid the NHL stick with something popular. It'd be terrible if a loosely justified event like this drew in more fans.
6) Shut up.

ESPN developed a new stat this year -- Total Quarterback Rating -- designed to account for a QB's entire repertoire, and give fans a better perspective on signal callers' true effectiveness. So, what great revelations did the QBR give us?

** Top three QBs in the league were Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Tom Brady. They were also 1-2-3 in any other traditional QB measurement system.

** The bottom three started were Blaine Gabbert, Curtis Painter and Tim Tebow. Gabbert and Painter were the bottom two in traditional QB ratings, Tebow was sixth worst.

** 49ers QB Alex Smith was the ninth best QB in the league in passer efficiency, but the ESPN QBR rating has him ranked 22nd in the league. I guess it doesn't account for things like "winning."

** No matter how the stats are divided, Maryland QB Rex Grossman (25 turnovers in 13 starts) is just terrible.

We've poked a lot of fun at the Cowboys over the course of this year, but now that they've suffered a heartbreaking loss in their finale on Sunday night ... it's time to have even more fun. It's not a matter of meanness -- it's cosmically ordained fate. Just look at this anagram:

Dallas Cowboys stunned again, choke in their final season game
A rainy onion: We laugh at the fools' sadness and bask in comic glee.

If the universe is telling you to ridicule the Cowboys, who are you to disagree?

** Congrats to Dad for winning our weekly picks match-up yet again. He came into the weekend with a four-game lead and won handily after I posted an 0-for-5 performance on our different picks for the week. For the year, Dad finished with a 170-86 record picking games -- that's a 66% correct rate. For the record, that's better work than any of the so-called experts that ESPN uses every week.

** Illinois beat UCLA 20-14 on Saturday in the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. The teams both came into the match-up at 6-6 and saw their head coaches (and other key coaching staff) fired in the weeks leading up to the game. I know the sponsors can't manage every aspects of these bowls, but you know what helps fight hunger the most? Having a job. So maybe sponsoring the all-unemployment bowl wasn't the best idea.

** Biggest mistake of the hockey game at Citizens Bank Park: No Phanatic. That's an unforgivable oversight. And I thought Lauren Hart was banned from singing at Citizens Bank Park after the clunker curse she put on the Phillies right before game five in October.

** Ha again! The Cowboys ended up in third place behind the Eagles after that loss on Sunday. It'll probably screw the Eagles come draft time, but it's funny anyways.

Final standings will be revealed tomorrow, in the season wrap-up column.

2011 fantasy recap, week 16

2011-12-27T21:03:00.001-05:00

Next weekend's Cowboys/Giants contest is the game to watch for even casual football fans: It's a winner-take-all season finale, with the victor headed to the post-season and the loser headed home in shame. But, considering the two teams involved are both inherently evil, viewers should be careful watching. Here's how to observe it properly:

** DO root for a tie. It would give the Giants the division title, but it would be embarrassing for both sides.
** DO NOT look directly at QB Eli Manning's eyes. You might catch dopeyness.
** DO keep mentioning that whichever team wins, they're the worst of the 12 playoff teams.
** DO NOT be fooled into thinking RB Felix Jones is competent. The Giants' defense is just that bad.
** DO root for a safety. There was one the last time these two teams played, and it was hilarious.
** DO NOT root for the Cowboys. I don't care, they're always the greater of two evils.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 43.12 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Arian Foster, 25.87 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Jordy Nelson, 25.67 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Jared Cook, 25.27 pts -- sitting on Bobert's bench
K: Graham Gano, 17.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Spencer Johnson, 11.00 pts -- on the wire

Aaron Rogers in the top performers again. What a shocker.

But a big congrats to Gano, one of the worst kickers in the history of the NFL, for posting yet another high-scoring week. Gano is 13-for-13 in the month of December for the Maryland Racial Slurs, amazing when you consider that he has missed 20 FG attempts in his 35-game NFL career. He has missed on nearly one of every three FG tries, and has two extra-point misses to add to his resume.

It should be noted that the Maryland team is 12-23 since Gano started, and 5-7 in games decided by less than three points. I'm not saying it's his fault. I'm just pointing out that he's not helping.

"No defense" edition
2nd place: Atlanta, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (TIE) Tampa Bay, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (TIE) Chicago, -5.00 pts -- started by Dad

Combined, those three defenses this week allowed 122 offensive points (you can't blame them for fumbles returned for TDs). Incidentally, the St. Louis Rams have scored 120 pts in 11 games since their week five bye. I guess the lesson here is that someone always has it worse than you. Unless you're the Rams, of course.

Saints QB Drew Brees broke the single-season passing record Monday night with a nine-yard TD pass late in the fourth quarter, giving him 5,087 yards in just 15 games. Just how long is that? It translates into:

** 3 full trips down Bourbon Street, plus another quarter mile.
** 10.5 Sears Tower buildings, stacked on top of each other.
** 2,543.5 Reggie Bushes, stacked on top of each other.
** 1 trip around Daytona Speedway, plus another .4 miles.
** 16,648 footballs, stacked end to end.
** 118 more yards that QB Mike Vick has collected in his last 20 games.

Verizon has been running a cell phone commercial (maybe they've finally stopped, now that the holiday is over) that shows a man jumping out of an airplane sans parachute, then throwing a pulsing ball of energy into a cloud to start a lightning storm. As a bolt strikes the ground, another man goes running towards ground zero, discovering the new, revolutionary phone.

In small letters underneath the whole commercial, there's this standard warning: "Do not try this at home."

Here's my question: What am I supposed to not try? The running towards lightning to get free gifts or the throwing an energy orb into a cloud while in freefall? I understand the legal reasons for putting those warnings on, but I really can't imagine what I could copy from this commercial. If I could create lightning storms just for kicks, I'd be doing it all the time, no matter what some commercial tells me. And stealing cell phones tossed down from Olympus by Zeus is always good advice.

The Giants and Cowboys may be the premiere NFC East game next week, but that's not the only division contest. Earlier on Sunday, the Eagles and Maryland Racial slurs will square off to see which team finishes last in the division (Nah, it'll be the Slurs either way). Think that's not enough reason to stay riveted to your TV? Here are some other things to watch for:

** Eagles RB LeSean McCoy sits 203 yards shy the team's single season rushing record of 1,512 yards. If he gets it, will anyone care?

** A loss by the Slurs and wins by a few other teams could move them into the top five in next year's draft. If that happens, will anyone care?

** Eagles QB Mike Vick sits just 32 yards away from his second consecutive 3,000-yard passing season. If he gets it, will anyone care?

** Eagles DE Jason Babin has 18 sacks on the season, three short of the team single season record. If he gets four, will anyone care?

** Slurs QB Rex Grossman is tied for the league lead with 19 INTs, albeit in 3 fewer games than his competitors. If he throws a few more, will anyone care?

** Eagles coach Andy Reid has lead his teams to only two losing seasons in his 12 previous seasons. If he avoids a third on Sunday, will anyone care?

** Reports of UFO activity over major U.S. cities have increased in recent years. If both teams were abducted at halftime of the game, will anyone care?

Speaking of that big Giants/Cowboys game, if fragile RB Felix Jones can’t go for the Dallas squad on Sunday, they’ll have to rely on Sammy Morris – signed by the team just two weeks ago – to shoulder their ground attack. You might think that someone who just joined the team wouldn’t have his evil erupt out right away, but you’d be wrong. Just look at what his name clearly spells:

New Dallas Cowboy Running Back Sammy Morris III
Sorry I maimed you all? No. Wincing barbs, smacks win.

He’s giving III’s everywhere a bad name with that “win no matter who you hurt” attitude.

Week 16 standings

Another huge week for Anthony (179 pts) just about sews up his first Awesome Cup championship. Of course, the Denver Broncos looked like they had the playoffs wrapped up a few weeks ago, and they're still sweating it out with one game left. And Ant doesn't run nearly as well as Tebow. So anything could happen.

Except Joel winning. That can't happen.

** Still four games down on Dad. Ugh. It's starting to look like another regular season loss for me. I'm 2-12 so far in the 15 years we've been doing this, I think. At some point, you'd assume that I'd take the hint.

** Finished sixth (out of 10) in my other fantasy league, thanks to three head-to-head losses of fewer than three points. I will forever hate RB Chris Johnson for my decision to take him over RB Arian "Nation" Foster.

** Related to my earlier rant against Graham Gano, here's an awesome column on why K David Akers is the clear MVP of the league. In other news, the Eagles still aren't going to the post-season.

** Pro-Bowl roster is out. The Eagles have three starters on the NFC squad. Chicago is the only team with more (five) without having a winning record. The starting NFC kicker is, of course, David Akers.

2011 fantasy recap, week 15

2011-12-20T21:30:00.001-05:00

Sunday saw a host of wild upsets, but none were bigger than the Chiefs' win over the undefeated Packers and the Maryland Racial Slurs victory over the first-place Giants. But which of those was the bigger choke job?

** Vegas: Giants were 7 pt favorites, Packers were plus 13.5 pts.
BIGGER CHOKE: Packers
** Offense: QB Aaron Rodgers had two TDs, QB Eli Manning had 3 INTs.
BIGGER CHOKE: Giants
** Defense: Packers = 19 pts to a bad team, Giants = 23 pts to a bad team.
BIGGER CHOKE: Giants
** Significance: Packers lost perfect season, Giants hurt playoff chances.
BIGGER CHOKE: Push
** Location: Giants were at home, Packers were on the road.
BIGGER CHOKE: Giants

Verdict: The Packers lost a chance at immortality, but Eli's boys are the ones left gasping for air after that choking fit. Seriously, they lost two to the Deadskins this year. That's just embarrassing.

QB: Drew Brees, 45.38 pts -- started by Joel
RB: C.J. Spiller, 35.17 pts -- started by ChampMike
WR: Calvin Johnson, 35.27 pts -- started by NewMike
TE: Aaron Hernandez, 25.20 pts -- started by me
K: Ryan Succop, 14.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 32.00 pts -- started by Bobert
D: John Abraham, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Brees needs to average a whopping 153 passing yards over his last two games to break the NFL single season mark (Dan Marino, 5,084 in 1984. C'mon, I cite this stat every other week. You should have memorized it by now). For reference sake, in his last 32 starts, Brees has only passed for fewer than 200 yards once, and 19 times has thrown for more than 300 yards.

Eagles QB Mike Vick also has a chance to break the single-season passing record, if he can collect a mere 2,410 passing yards over the last two games.

2nd place: Curtis Marsh, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Minnesota, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Denver, -4.00 pts -- on Bobert's bench

Second week in a row Eagles CB Marsh makes this list, thanks to his second turnover on a punt return. For the season, he now sits at -3.60 pts, making him the league's worst fantasy performer to date. He has scored two times worse than the second-place player, Bears backup backup QB Josh McCown (-1.52 pts). And, with limited on-field action likely after those two mistakes, he may hold the title at year's end.

For the record, Marsh sits a mere 447 pts behind the league leader, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers. Although, Marsh's team won this weekend...

The Eagles beating the Jets 45-13 wasn't even the most absurd fact to come out of that game on Sunday. The shocker was that the Jets are now 0-9 all-time against Philadelphia, the most losses for any team in NFL history against another opponent without a win. Here's a few reasons for that domination:

** Bad timing by the Jets. In the eight other time the teams met, New York was fielding a sub-.500 team. The Jets have never had a winning season when they're lost to the Eagles.

** Good luck by the Eagles. Five of the nine meetings have been decided by less than a touchdown, and two of those were one-point Philadelphia wins.

** Bad football by the Jets. Out of 31 teams in the NFL, the Jets only have a winning record against nine of them. That includes newcomers like the Texans (5-0) and the Panthers (3-2).

** Also, New York teams stink. Everyone knows that.

Thanks to that win, the Eagles still mathematically have a chance to win the NFC East (actually, just typing that phrase is incredibly stupid) but they'll need everything to fall in place to get it. They need to beat Dallas next win and win their finale against the Maryland Racial Slurs, plus have the Giants win their last game against the Cowboys but lose their contest next Sunday.

And to make matters more difficult, they'll have to go on the road next week for their game. They'll play at the New York Jets home stadium.

Which just happens to be their home stadium too.

And that's just stupid.

Throw in the fact that the game is in Jersey, and you get the New York Giants playing an extra home game in a stadium that isn't in New York state. And if you think about that too long, your face ends up looking like Eli Manning's.

The Lions, at 9-5 after their dramatic win over the Raiders Sunday, are on the cusp of their first playoff appearance in 12 years. But it has actually been 20 years since the Lions' last playoff victory, a 38-6 romp over the Dallas Cowboys. Here's a look at just how long ago that was:

** The Lions team was led by Barry Sanders, a good young RB in only his third season in the NFL.
** At the time of the game, the Patriots had zero Super Bowl wins and Tom Brady was a high-school freshman.
** That Cowboys team was led by the young trio of Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael "I eat children" Irvin, none of whom had yet won a playoff game.
** A few weeks earlier, Falcons QB Brett Farve made his pro debut with a 0-for-4 performance.
** At the time of the game, people thought of the Lions as a good team that had a chance to win the Super Bowl, not as a running joke.

After dozens of anagram insults I assume that I've hit nearly every single cowboy, but a quick search of my files shows that I've never analyzed the name of pro-bowl tight end Jason Witten (who goes by his middle name, instead of his actual first name).

That got me thinking ... Maybe it's because, unlike his peers, his name just doesn't shout evil. Maybe he's the one good guy on a team of sadistic phonies. Maybe I've been wrong about this whole column all along.

Cowboys Dallas TE Christopher Jason Witten
Coy jester pin stabs children. Ows. What a tool.

Or maybe I just overlooked him. Stabbing kids with pins? Sounds like a Cowboy to me.

Week 15 standings

Maybe it's Ant's savvy coaching, maybe it's the fact that I left 46 pts on my bench, but with just two weeks left Ant has taken over the top spot again. Paul and Joel are locked into an epic battle for last place too, but it looks like everyone else is all but locked in their final finish spot. But, much like the Eagles, right now no one has been mathematically eliminated from winning the league.

** I'm still four back of Dad in the weekly picks, thanks to the Steelers playing like crap on Monday night. Maybe they should have left the lights off. It couldn't have made Big Ben play any worse.

** There is nothing funnier than the "Eli Manning, Citizen Eco-drive: Unstoppable" wristwatch commercials on a day where dopey threw three picks in an upset loss.

** For the record, the Eagles are also undefeated all-time against the Houston Texans (3-0). When realignment rolls around again, they might want to see if they can get into a Jets-Texans-Rams division.

** Pro-Bowl voting ended last night. I hope you got your votes in for WR DeSean Jackson, because it might be the last game you get to see him wearing Eagles colors before he storms off to another team next season.

2011 fantasy recap, week 14

2011-12-13T21:22:00.001-05:00

Actual Eagles Christmas items for sale on eBay:

** Eagles 2011 Merry Christmas Penny: $3.99. This is a penny that has "Go Eagles" stamped on the right. Perfect for family members who complain you wouldn't give them a penny.

** Eagles Christmas Gift Wrap Paper: $6.99. What better way to show your love for the home team than by shredding the logo into little bits?

** Eagles Handmade Christmas Tree Ornament: $2.25. This is either supposed to be an Eagles' helmet or a map of Guam. It's not clear which it's closer to.

** Eagles Christmas Candy Canes: $13.99. Caution: Attempting to eat this on Sunday may cause uncontrollable choking.

** Four tickets for the Eagles/Dallas game Christmas Eve: $599.99. Show your spouse and two close friends how much you hate them by making them watch this game live.

QB: Tony Romo, 36.84 pts -- started by ChampMike
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 41.90 pts -- started by me
WR: Marques Colston, 26.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 28.67 pts -- started by Ant
K: Mason Crosby, 17.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Jacksonville, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Jason Pierre-Paul, 19.00 pts -- started by ChampMike

Four teams in the league were over 150 pts this week, but three top performers (and another 26 pts from WR Larry Fitzgerald) helped make ChampMike the big winner, topping 181 pts and giving him the second-highest score of the season on Sunday (Jo posted a 186 score in week 1). And we were just one lucky defensive guess away from sweeping the top players.

"NFC East stinks" edition
3rd place: Josh Johnson, -1.88 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Curtis Marsh, -2.12 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Dallas, -4.00 pts -- started by NewMike

Any week where the Dallas defense is the worst unit in all of football is a good week, even if it means dopey Eli and the G-Men collected a big win.

And I have no idea who Curtis Marsh is or what he did during the Eagles game on Sunday. But if you told me an Eagles player screwed up again, I would have guessed that it was a CB.

** The New York Times in the last 30 days has written 22 stories mentioning Tim Tebow, 18 mentioning Ben Bernake. In fairness, Tebow has more fourth-quarter miracles this year. (Mine)

** This is the most I've heard anyone talk about a white Bronco since the OJ Simpson trial. (Not mine)

** How many starting quarterbacks have a better win percentage than Tim Tebow this year (7-1)? Only one -- Aaron Rodgers. (Wait, that's not a joke).

** Tebow's Broncos square off against the Patriots Sunday. If only there was some Bible story about an underdog vs. a giant that sportswriters could use in their stories this week. (Not mine)

** What's the difference between Tim Tebow and Mike Vick? Tebow wins games in the fourth quarter. Also, Vick tortured dogs. (Mine)

Even before the weekend began, my brain was already mush. Watching the intermission show during the Flyers-Penguins game this week, the Versus announcers were chronicling how pre-season favorites were faring. Then they let loose this astute observation:

"If the playoffs started today, the Senators would be in and the Capitals would be on the outside watching."

I love making early, ridiculous predictions, but give me a break. The NHL season is barely past the first third of the season. And 16 of the 30 teams make the post-season. Washington could lose all of its game for the next two months (that'd be great, by the way) and still have a chance to make the playoffs.

The only thing stupider than that is noting that the Eagles still have a chance to make the playoffs in the NFL. The Sixers, who start playing games at the end of the month, have already been eliminated from NBA post-season contention.

Five different teams tallied safeties on Sunday, an NFL single-day record (maybe. I really tried to find that stat, but I can't). In tribute to the accomplishment, here's a look at the comedic value of each one.

** Eagles: 4th Q, J.Losman sacked in end zone for -8 yards, SAFETY (P.Hunt). Penalty on Miami, face mask.
ANALYSIS ~ At 26-10, the two-pointer really made no difference in the Eagles win, but the face mask penalty on top of an end zone sack is just pathetically hilarious.

** Jets: 4th Q, J.Battle up the middle tackled in end zone for -1 yards, SAFETY (S.Pouha).
ANALYSIS ~ Pretty standard late game sack made the final score 37-10, Jets. But anything involving a Pouha is worth extra comedy points.

** Panthers: 2nd Q, M.Ryan sacked in end zone for -8 yards, SAFETY (A.Applewhite).
ANALYSIS ~ Carolina went up 9-7 on the play and scored a TD on their ensuing drive. Then the surrendered 24 pts in the second half and lost 31-23.

** Raiders: 4th Q, M.Flynn sacked in End Zone for -6 yards, SAFETY (R.McClain).
ANALYSIS ~ Only funny because it came in a Packers blowout win. Aaron Rodgers is the best QB in the game, but his backup Flynn can't do anything right.

** Giants: 1st Q, T.Romo sacked in End Zone for -9 yards, SAFETY (J.Pierre-Paul).
ANALYSIS ~ The points were the first in the game and featured Tony Romo stumbling around at the goal-line like a drunken sailor. I could watch this all day.

Dallas' Felix Jones (aka "Join Elf Sex") is back as the team's starting RB after rookie DeMarco Murray broke his ankle last night. But the fans still see hope that the Cowboys can survive and win the division, right? Right?

Dallas Cowboy starting RB Felix Jones
Blind season: Barflys crawl, jog to exits

I assume the ones crawling have had just a bit too much to drink.

Week 14 standings

It's the closest race the league has ever had ... at least up top. Ant and I have distanced ourselves from the field, thanks to another subpar week from NewMike.

** Picked up one on Dad in the weekly picks, so now I'm only four back with three weeks left. Much like the Eagles, I still technically have a shot at winning this whole thing, but it's not good.

** The Tampa Bay and Jacksonville game on Sunday was a 41-14 blowout that featured no FGs. That's kinda awesome for a game featuring two unwatchable teams.

** The college bowl games kick off this Saturday with Temple playing Wyoming in the New Mexico Bowl. And of course you should watch that one, but after that you're not allowed to tune into another one until Jan. 1. OK? It's just too much bad football to be healthy.

2011 fantasy recap, week 13

2011-12-06T20:12:00.006-05:00

The Cowboys and Giants losses on Sunday left the post-season door wide open for the Eagles. Here's all they need to get back into the playoffs this year:

** The Eagles win their last four (Dolphins, Jets, Cowboys and Redskins) to finish 8-8.
** The Giants beat the Cowboys twice, but lose to the Redskins and Jets to finish 8-8.
** The Cowboys beat the Bucs but lose those other three games, and finish 8-8.
** The Redskins lose to the Eagles, and finish no better than 7-9.

Then, the three-way tie atop the NFC East would favor the Eagles, with a 5-1 division record topping the Giants' 3-3 record and the Cowboys 2-4 record. If that happens, then the Eagles would get a home playoff game, which would be interrupted at halftime by the four horsemen announcing the destruction of mankind and the end of the world.

Hey, remember when the NFC East was good? Or at least good enough that a 4-8 team had no chance of winning the division?

QB: Cam Newton, 40.36 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Shonn Greene, 31.53 pts -- on Ant's bench
WR: Percy Harvin, 32.30 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.47 pts -- started by Ant
K: Connor Barth, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF:(tie) Kansas City, 23.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF:(tie) Pittsburgh, 23.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
DEF:(tie) San Francisco, 23.00 pts -- started by Jo
D: Jared Allen, 13.50 pts -- started by NewMike

You'd think with all those names on the top scorers list that Ant had the best week of any team. But, he didn't.

Also, I hate ties. Copying and pasting that coding two extra times wrecks valuable time I could be spending thinking of Andy Reid jokes. Here's one: What's the difference between an Andy Reid team and a dollar bill? You can get four quarters from the dollar bill. Think of how much better that could have been if I didn't have to type in each of those defenses.

"All QBs you thought retired" edition
3rd place:Billy Volek, -0.30 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Caleb Hanie, -0.38 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Bruce Gradkowski, -1.22 pts -- on the wire

Pittsburgh QB Charlie Batch came in as the 4th worst this week, at -0.20 pts. I was pretty sure Batch had retired after each of Pittsburgh's last two Super Bowl wins. Then again, I thought Caleb Hanie was an usual strain of lupus, not a human being, so I'm clearly not up to speed on my backup QBs.

Think you're ready for college bowl season? See if you can figure out which of these are real bowl games, and which are missed opportunities by lazy advertisers.
Answers spelled out down in the News and Notes section.

If you're a regular reader, you know I have no love for the folks ESPN and other sports outlets pay to give fantasy advice. They all have no better idea what they're talking about that you or I. If they did, they wouldn't have spent all of August debating whether Mike Vick was worth the #1 overall fantasy draft spot (as of right now, he's only the 17th best fantasy QB in the league).

The worst offenders are the idiots on Fantasy Football Live every Sunday, where they rank dozens of players based on their projections. They had the #1 RB (Greene) on the week ranked 19th and the #2 WR (Pierre Garcon) ranked 33rd, so they weren't close on most of them. But the most idiotic thing I saw was this entry:

WR rankings -- #36 -- Denarius Moore -- OAK -- @Mia -- (inactive)

That "inactive" there meant he was "inactive" for the game, meaning not playing, meaning zero fantasy points. And he wasn't a last-second scratch either; As of Friday, no on thought he would play. The ESPN fantasy experts ranked 50 WRs on that list, so in their eyes, 14 other receivers were going to do worse than a guy who wasn't going to play a down.

In fact, 120 other WRs performed better than Moore on Sunday, menaing you pretty much could have started anyone with a pulse and done better than what ESPN advised.

Seriously, if the whole point of your show is just putting together lists full of guesses, can't you update those on Saturday night? It's not like you're doing more than 15 minutes worth of work the entire week.

With the Eagles projected to get a top-10 pick in next April's draft, here's a quick look at the most likely candidates the Eagles will be looking at:

** Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
-- The big lineman could fill a hole in Mike Vick's protection.
** Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina
-- Andy Reid never misses a chance to improve the pass rush.
** Matt Kalil, OT, USC
-- The big lineman could fill a hole in Mike Vick's protection.
** Courtney Upshaw, DE, Alabama
-- Andy Reid never misses a chance to improve the pass rush.
** Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford
-- The big lineman could fill a hole in Mike Vick's protection.
** Les Miles, coach, LSU
-- Maybe if they draft a coach first, we'll get the linebacker we need instead of being stuck with another *@#%&! lineman.

Remember just two weeks back, when I explained the cosmic disgust a Cowboys overtime win causes? In case you forgot, here's that anagram:

Dallas Cowboys steal overtime win
Ye lot sad: Villain team crows, we sob.

Well, Jerry's boys dropped an extra-time game this week thanks to some terrible coaching in the fourth quarter and terrible tackling in overtime. That made me wonder: Does an overtime loss by the most evil team in the league cause extra joy? Let's take a look:

Dallas Cowboys suffer an overtime defeat
A fun fad: We do celebrate fools' vast misery

We need those kind of fun fads in the NFL today, now more than ever.

Week 13 standings

Ant and I are starting to pull away from the field, thanks to a pair of great weeks from both our teams. Did you know that my savvy draft strategy landed me the two leading rushers in the league (LeSean McCoy and Maurice Jones-Drew)? Or that I've found a way to stay on top even with Eli Manning dopeying up my entire squad? I hope that serves as an inspiration to you as we head into the final stretch.

** Great fantasy week for my team, but an awful weekend for my annual picks with Dad. I dropped all three we had different, putting me five games back with just four weeks left to go. For the record, Dad has a 124-67 record for the year, nearly a 65 percent winning rate. I'm betting ESPN's fantasy experts can't give you any better information than that.

** For the record, the only fake bowl games in there are Skittles, Sprite, Geico and UPhoenix. The rest are very, very sadly real.

** Jacksonville has an offensive lineman named Guy Whimper. How have I not made fun of this in the past?

** Broncos S Brian Dawkins had five tackles, a sack and a forced fumble in Denver's big win on Sunday. Not bad for someone too washed up to play in the NFL anymore.

** Thursday night game this week is the Browns at the Steelers. In other news, the NFL still hates you, and that's why they're still scheduling Thursday night games.

2011 fantasy recap, week 12

2011-11-29T21:50:00.002-05:00

The NFL's mid-week highlight game this Thursday features the compelling match-up of the 4-7 Eagles against the 4-7 Seahawks. Since the actual outcome of the game is of no consequence whatsoever, here's what to watch for:

** Funny names -- A jumbled set of scrambled Scrabble tiles could not come up with a better match-up than Philly CB Nnamdi Asomugha covering Seattle WR Golden Tate III.
** Revenge -- After two long years, Seahawks DE Chris Clemons will have a chance to get back at the Eagles team that traded him away. Yeah, I forgot who he was too.
** Streaking -- The Eagles haven't lost in Seattle in 15 years (3-0). The last defeat came at the hands of Seahawks QB Rick Mirer. He's better right now than QB Tavarias Jackson.
** Competition -- Only one other game this week features two teams with losing records: Carolina at Tampa Bay. And that's a division rivalry, so you have to throw away the records.
** Masochism -- Seriously, why are you considering watching this game?

QB: Drew Brees, 45.32 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Roy Helu, 27.40 pts -- on Jeff's bench
WR: Victor Cruz, 31.47 pts -- started by me
TE: Jimmy Graham, 22.64 pts -- started by Paul
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 23.00 pts -- started by NewMike
DEF: Tennessee, 24.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Ashton Youboty, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Any week where you can include Youboty in a recap is a good week.

Also, three top performers from the Monday night game. Would have been nice if any of that excitement was in the first half, when the East Coast was still awake.

"All losers" edition
3rd place: Tashard Choice, -0.80 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Tyler Palko, -1.32 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Philadelphia, -5.00 pts -- on my bench

The Eagles post the second-worst score possible by a defense this week, managing just a single sack to avoid the absolute minimum. For the year, the Philly defense -- which added two Pro-Bowl CBs in the offseason -- has allowed the 10th most points in the league, the second most passing TDs, and the most passing plays of more than 40 yards.

But it would be unfair to label the Eagles starting three CBs a waste of money, even if they do take up $21.8 million in salary cap space this season alone. After all ... no, wait, that would be perfectly fair. Nevermind.

Raiders punter Sean Lechler kicked an 80-yard punt this week, an amazing feat that didn't even come close to setting an NFL record (Jets P Steve O’Neal hit a 98-yard pun in 1969). But plenty of other records have been in play this season. Here's a quick recap:

** Arizona CB Patrick Peterson has four punt return TDs this year, tying the NFL record.

** Both Patriots QB Tom Brady and Saints QB Drew Brees are on pace to break Dan Marino's single-season passing mark of 5,082 yards. Packers QB Aaron Rogers is on pace to miss that record by fewer than 40 yards.

** Raiders K Sebastian Janikowski booted a 63-yard FG this year, tying the NFL record.

** Vikings WR Percy Harvin on Sunday reeled off a 104-yard kickoff return before being tackled at the three-yard line. It was the longest non-scoring play in NFL history.

** The Cowboys, at 7-4, have six wins against sub-.500 teams and three game left against losing squads. They're on pace to set a record for the luckiest division win ever.

At halftime of the Bengals/Browns game, color commentator Dave Lapham, a former Cincinnati offensive lineman, summed up why the home team was down by 10 points after two quarters and how they could get back into the game:

"The Bengals offense laid an egg in the first half, so in the second half they're gonna have to sit on that egg and hatch a (chick), then feed it and nurture it and help it to grow into something."

Two problems with that:

1 -- It's a ridiculously stupid metaphor.
2 -- The reason "chick" is in parentheses is because he didn't say "chick." He said "whatever." He forgot the word for what hatches from an egg. But that didn't stop him from using the metaphor.

Besides those two things, he made a great point. The Bengals went on to win 23-20 thanks to a fourth-quarter turkey sandwich.

Word out of Houston today is that the Texans may consider bringing in former Eagles-49ers-Bucs-Browns-Lions-Raiders-Nighthawks QB Jeff Garcia to back up their thin crew of starting passers. But he's not the only former Philly gridiron hero considering a comeback. Here's what others are doing:

** QB Koy Detmer: Looking into a second career as a neckbeard consultant for the NHL.
** WR Greg Lewis: Volunteered for a medical research project looking for a cure for dropsy, found out it isn't what he thought.
** DB Andre Waters: Even in death, figures he'd be a better coverage defender than Asante Samuel.
** K Luis Zendejas: No joke needed here. He's still Luis Zendejas.
** DE Mike Mamula: Just sent in his third application to be night manager at the Quikie Mart.
** QB Donovan McNabb: Apparently still thinks he hasn't retired from football.

With everyone starting their Christmas shopping this week, I thought I'd give you a little help in the search for the perfect insult anagram for a gift. Perhaps you're just looking for a standard anagram insult? How about trying this one on?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Festering hero vended: Lameness is I

OK, but that's not really about the team at all. Looking for something in a "what are my teammates doing" variety?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Engendered fish vomits release sins

Good, but "fish vomits" won't work in every household. What about something the whole family can enjoy?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Meanie losers defend envies, girths

We know you can do your anagram shopping anywhere, and we appreciate your continued business. The "Tony Romo = Toy Moron" t-shirts are all the way in the back aisle, but we're already out of children's sizes.

Week 12 standings

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

A ton of garbage time Monday Night Football points launched me back into the top spot, just past Anthony's struggling squad and two hairs in front of NewMike's team. Jo and ChampMike have made a dent in their deficit as well. After that, you're down into Sam territory, and there's really no point in even discussing those teams.

** Picked up a game on Dad this week, thanks to Tim Tebow's ongoing late-game heroics. I'm Tebowing as I write this.

** If the college national championship game is a LSU-Alabama rematch, and second game ends without a TD, the title should go to Oklahoma State by default. I can't believe they're going to make us go through this again.

** I actually left myself a note earlier in the weekend to make fun of the Grey Cup this week. How much football is too much football?

** Oh, by the way, there's a football game Thursday. Don't forget.

2011 fantasy recap, week 11

2011-11-22T21:30:00.005-05:00

With Thanksgiving just a few days away, here's what various NFL teams are thankful for this season:

** New England Patriots
Thankful no one found the new cheating cameras
** Minnesota Vikings
Thankful Brett Favre hasn't unretired ... yet
** San Francisco 49ers
Thankful the NFC West is still an awful division
** Chicago Bears
Thankful they haven't had major injuri... aw, c'mon!
** Cleveland Browns
Thankful the season is almost over
** New York Jets
Thankful Rex Ryan hasn't eaten any players ... yet
** Philadelphia Eagles
Thankful Eli Manning still had his annual rivalry choke job ready

QB: Matt Stafford, 39.60 pts -- started by New Mike
RB: Kevin Smith, 40.07 pts -- on the wire
WR: Nate Washington, 28.67 pts -- on Dad's bench
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 22.40 pts -- started by Ant
K: David Akers, 12.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Miami, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Chris Clemons, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

You know who's having a great season? The kicker for the 8-1 San Francisco 49ers, a Mr. David Akers. He leads all kickers in fantasy points (115, 26 more than WR DeSean Jackson has on the year) and is second in the league in scoring with 91 pts. Not bad for someone too washed up to get a multi-year contract from his former team.

"All offense" edition
3rd place: Lorenzo Booker, -0.80 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Keiland Williams, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: John Skelton, -2.04 pts -- on the wire

Just one week after looking like a Hall of Famer against the Eagles D, Cardinals QB John Skelton crashed back down to earth with a 99-yard, 3 INT performance against the 49ers that saw him benched in the fourth quarter. His replacement was Richard Bartel, the great QB from Tarleton State. How rare is it when you've never heard of a football player or the college he went to?

Bartel has apparently been in the league since 2007, bouncing between the Cowboys, Browns, Jaguars, Cardinals and Sacramento Mountain Lions. One of those teams isn't in the NFL, but I can't remember if it's the Mountain Lions or the Jaguars.

More notes about that big Giants defeat Sunday night:

** QB Eli Manning has lost six straight games to the Eagles on his home field in New Jersey, and seven of his nine career starts against them there.

** Eli's career record in September and October is an impressive 37-14. His record in November and December is a paltry 27-33.

** QB Vince Young is 3-0 against Manning and the Giants in his career.

** Sunday's game was the first time this year the Eagles were the underdog. The Giants were favored by 6 points.

** The Eagles game-winning, 9-minute, 18-play drive was their longest since 2002.

** That drive also featured 6 third-down conversions, one more than the Giants had all game.

If that's not enough comedy for you, here's a great Eli photo gallery from the 700 Level.

ESPN's Bob Ley on Sunday was recapping the previous wild weekend in college football, noting that the #2, #4 and #5 ranked teams all lost. The BCS, he said, "is tossed in the air like 52-card pickup."

I thought the point of 52-card pickup was the picking up, but whatever. It's what Ley said next that caused a brain aneurysm.

Ley rolled right into the highlights from Alabama's convincing win on Saturday, pointing out that the #3 team didn't fall victim to the rash of upsets. The 45-21 win over Georgia Southern included a blocked kick TD, which prompted Ley to say "How ironic is it that Alabama couldn't make their field goals against LSU but they returned a blocked FG for a TD here?"

I'll answer that question: It's zero ironic. It's not even coincidental. Those are two completely unconnected thoughts, except they both involved FGs. "It's the same as me saying "How ironic is it that I'm writing about Bob Ley and we have a Bob in the league?"

When people use words that badly, it literally makes my head explode. Literally. I'm amazed I can type this with a gaping head wound.

At 2-8, Carolina still has a chance. Here's how:

** The Panthers win their next five games.
** The Saints lose their next five.
** The Falcons lose five of their last six, beating only the Saints.
** The Bucs go no better than 3-3, and lose to Carolina twice.

If that happens, the winner of the Pathers/Saints regular season finale will be 8-8 and the champion of the NFC South. And pink falcons will fly out of QB Cam Newton's butt.

Dallas snagged its second overtime win of the season on Sunday, upending the Maryland Racial Slurs 27-24. We know that every Dallas win is bad, but what you might not realize is the cosmic disgust that an extra-time Cowboys win causes. Just look:

Dallas Cowboys steal overtime win
Ye lot sad: Villain team crows, we sob.

I also could have written "crow team villians" but we weren't talking about Ray Lewis and the Ravens.

Week 11 standings

Anthony holds on for another week, and ChampMike is making a charge towards the top. Meanwhile, my sage advice cost Dad 15 pts this week and Jo 29 pts. I guess what I'm saying is, you're welcome.

**Dad picked up another game on me, and sits three game ahead in our weekly picks. But he picked against the Eagles on Sunday, which should haunt him forever.

** If I told you last June that QB Vince Young would throw a TD pass to WR Steve Smith, you never would have thought I'd be talking about the Eagles.

** I hate Browns RB Chris Ogbonnaya, both for how difficult it is to spell his name and what he did to my other fantasy team this week. I'm gonna get RB Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala to come out of retirement and beat him up.

** If I have to remind you that there's football on Thursday this week, you have failed at being an American. Just move to Waziristan now.

2011 fantasy recap, week 10

2011-11-15T21:14:00.000-05:00

WR DeSean Jackson missed Sunday's Eagles' loss on Sunday after being suspended by the team for missing a team meeting earlier in the week. How did he spend the day?

** Practiced his pre-end-zone touchdown celebrations.
** Caught one fewer pass than Jason "great hands" Avant (1 catch, 2 yards).
** Called up T.O., asked for negotiating advice with Eagles management.
** Found QB Vince Young's hiding place, kicked him out for a few hours.
** Thanked his lucky stars he wasn't part of that embarrassment.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 36.10 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Arian Foster, 31.20 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, 28.30 pts -- started by ChampMike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.53 pts -- started by Ant
K: John Kasay, 18.00 pts -- started by me
DEF: Chicago, 38.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Rob Ninkovich, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Gotta be honest -- I'm getting a little sick of Aaron Rodgers posting the top QB score. This is his fourth time up there.

The top unowned player on the week? That would be young Cardinals QB John Skelton. He had three passing TDs and averaged fewer than 170 yards a game in his only six starts before Sunday, but posted three TDs and 315 yards against that vaunted Eagles defense. And, for those of you counting at home, he now has one more win on the season (two) than former Eagles QB Kevin Kolb (one).

"Playing like the Eagles" edition
3rd place: David Reed, -1.10 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Josh Johnson, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Buffalo, -6.00 pts -- on Ant's bench

Congrats to the Bills defense, who managed the worst possible defensive score and the worst score on the year in their blowout loss to the Cowboys on Sunday. They allowed 44 pts, recorded no turnovers and no sacks, and just generally sucked.

Speaking of people who sucked on Sunday, Mike Vick posted a 32.5 QB rating on Sunday, throwing for 128 yards and two INTs. How bad was that? Your QB rating (0 completions, 0 yards, 0 INTs) on Sunday was 39.6. So congrats. You were a better football player and a better person than Vick this week.

Despite a 3-1 record as a starter, Broncos QB Tim Tebow received new criticism this week because his 17-10 win over the Chiefs featured only two completed passes (one was a 56-yard TD). However, the NFL has a rich history of wins despite sub-par QB play. Tebow's performance was the third time since 2000 that a QB has completed two or fewer passes and won. And Tebow's QB rating was three times better than Mike Vick's day.

In fact, in the Super Bowl era, five men have won while posting a QB rating of 0.00 (and another one has tied). Here's a look at those memorable performances:

** 1976: Giants 12, Redskins 9
QB Norm Snead, 3 of 14, 26 yards, 2 INTs
** 1973: Cardinals 30, Cowboys 3
QB Gary Keithley, 6 of 20, 30 yards, 2 INTs
** 1971: Vikings 29, Lions 10
QB Gary Cuozzo, 4 of 15, 21 yards, 2 INTs
** 1970: Chiefs 6, Cardinals 6
QB Len Dawson, 4 of 14, 38 yards, 2 INTs
** 1970: Browns 15, Steelers 7
QB Don Gault, 1 of 16, 44 yards, 2 INTs
** 1967: Vikings 10, Packers 7
QB Joe Kapp, 2 of 11, 25 yards, 2 INTs

In the interest of full disclosure, the 47 other times QBs posted a 0.00 rating in games over that span, the team lost. Still, 5-47-1 is a better win percentage then I would have guessed.

Sometimes the most obvious statements are the dumbest ones. During Sunday's Dolphins game, with the Maryland Racial Slurs trailing by 11, analyst Tim Ryan back the Slurs' decision to try a 48-yard FG in the waning moments of the game because "you're down by two scores. That's the right call." Presumably, someone in the audience was thinking they should punt and concede the game.

But, fine, whatever. Announcers have to fill time, right? So explain this Joe Buck gem, delivered before a commercial break with the 49ers leading the Giants 12-6 in the third quarter on Sunday:

"The Giants trail by six. We'll talk about that when we get back."

Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing? If not the game you're announcing, what else would you be talking about when you get back? The Monday night game? Baseball? Your big fat head?

We'll talk about his big fat head when we get back next week.

Reasons why "The Sing Off" is more watchable than "Monday Night Football"

** "The Sing Off" actually starts on time, and doesn't include three hours of pre-show introductions.

** None of the singers on "The Sing Off" have compared the president to Hitler.

** "The Sing Off" always finishes before midnight.

** Almost no erectile disfunction commercials on "The Sing Off" and no "NASCAR Now" ads.

** "The Sing Off" has no John Gruden.

Dallas is within striking distance of first place in the NFC East again, thanks to Sunday's win and the Giants' loss. Their resurgence is due in large part to a marked improvement in their running game, posting more than 650 yards in the last four games. But can they keep it up? Let's look at their lead blocker to see how game ready he is:

Dallas Cowboys FB Tony Fiammetta
** My football face is bad, most tawny.
** My football wisdom be nasty. A fact.
** My football body was fat. Can me sit?

The word "fail" also features prominently in his name too, but that'd be too easy.

Week 10 standings
If you felt that sudden chill this week, like Hell freezing over, don't worry -- that was just Ant taking over first place. But can he hold on to it?

** Dad and I split our picks this week, so I'm still two down. I'm considering attempting a two-point conversion next week to break out of this slump.

** Trade deadline for the league is this Friday. We've only had one trade this year, so if you've been saving up a good swap, now is the time.

** Thursday night football again this week. I don't know why the NFL hates you. They just do.

** Got my Eagles gear catalog in the mail today. Vick and DeSean Jackson jerseys starting as low as $75. Not good timing, folks.

2011 fantasy recap, week 9

2011-11-08T20:45:00.002-05:00

Think you know your NFL tight ends? Then see if you can identify which of the following names are players in the league today and which are characters from the Australian sitcom "Acropolis Now"

Colin Cochart Bengals TESitcom star
Joel Dreessen Texans TESitcom star
David Ausberry Raiders TESitcom star
Michael Hoomanawanui Rams TESitcom star
Jameson Konz Seahawks TESitcom star
Schuylar Oordt Jaguars TESitcom star
Ryan Winterswyk Falcons TESitcom star

You can stop clicking that now -- they're all NFL players. And for the record, I'd only ever heard of one of them before this week.

However, "Acropolis Now" was a real TV show, and it did have an NFL connection -- main character Aristotle Hatzidimitropoulos was, of course, named after the late Chargers quarterback Jimmy Hatzidimitropoulos.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 39.08 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Willis McGahee, 28.30 pts -- started by me
WR: Vincent Jackson, 34.40 pts -- started by ChampMike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 21.23 pts -- started by Ant
K: David Akers, 16.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Arizona, 22.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Patrick Peterson, 13.54 pts -- started by ChampMike

Weird fact: None of the top six fantasy defenses on the week (Arizona, St. Louis, Dallas, Atlanta, Denver and Miami) are owned in our league. Another weird fact: Miami has a defense. I was not aware they were still playing both sides of the ball.

3rd place: Julian Edelman, -1.09 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Delone Carter, -1.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Oakland, -4.00 pts -- started by Bobert

Ouch. That defensive mistake alone cost Bobert 17 pts this week, and he also started two injured players. But that's nothing compared to Dad, who left an incredible 54 pts on his bench this week, mostly in the form of QB Phillip Rivers and RB Marshawn Lynch (33.03 pts and 21.03 pts, respectively). In fairness, though, even Rivers was surprised to see himself scoring points again.

Midway through the season, here are the stats you didn't expect:

** Patriots QB Tom Brady (338 yards per game) is on pace for 5,406 passing yards this season, which would shatter the single-season record of 5,084 yards.

** The San Franciso 49ers (7-1) enjoy a five-game lead in the NFC West, and could clinch the division before Dec. 1 with wins in their next three games.

** Titans RB Chris Johnson, who set an NFL record with 2,509 yards from scrimmage two years ago, is barely on pace for 1,000 rushing and receiving yards this season.

** The Eagles vaunted trio of Pro-Bowl CBs (Nnamdi Asomugha, Asante Samuel, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie) have as many INTs this season as unknown S Kurt Coleman had in one game this year (three).

** The Colts really, really stink.

On Saturday night, I saw this TV listing:

"SyFy channel: WWE Monday Night Raw, guest starring the Muppets."

Saturday night/Monday night science fiction wrestling with puppets? Don't think about that too long, or your brain will catch fire.

Got a request this week to create some Giants anagram insults, to go along with the Cowboys ones. There's a few problems with this. First, I don't "create" these anagrams -- this is the natural evil of the damned shining through in their own names. And second, this isn't just something you can turn on and off. With the Cowboys, the evil is so blatant, so rampant, it's erupting from the player's titles, like dopeyness flowing from Eli Manning's face.

All that said, it's clear that the Giants are only slightly less demonic than the Cowboys, so I took a close look into their souls and found the following:

** Giants Eli Manning
I am entangling sin

** New York Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw
Awkward days: A broken man cursing anything. Bah!

** Chris Snee
Cheer sins

** New York Giants wideout Victor Cruz
Zero work grist. Dunce can't outwit ivy.

** Defensive end Osi Umenyiora
I endeavor you: Sin, feed me a sin

Seriously, it's tough to look at any of the players and not have the word "sin" jump out at you. I don't know what's going on over there in New Jersey, but it should be against the law.

I'll be honest with you -- after that slate of anagrams, I'm not gonna find anything as evil and disgusting on the Dallas roster. So, I'm not even going to try this week. I'm just gonna grab a random name off the list and ...

** Dallas Cowboys linebacker Keith Brooking
Glory! The dark news: I cook bacon, kill babies

Seriously. Non-stop erupting evil.

Week 9 standings

Now we're talking. A stumble from NewMike and solid weeks from Ant and I make the race for the championship more interesting. But there's still plenty of fake football to be played.

** Dad and I are just trading punches at this point. I picked up another game on him this week, now sit two back for the year. And somehow I still picked the Vikings and Lions games wrong this week, even though both were on a bye.

** Thome!

** Where would you put the post-season odds for the Broncos or the Browns? Because at 3-5, they have the same chances at the playoffs as the Eagles.

** Thursday night game this week. Don't come crying to me if you forget to set your rosters early.

** I actually had a lengthy segment on the "Game of the Century" between LSU and Alabama on Saturday night, but the jokes ended up being boring. Not as boring as a ridiculously hyped 9-6 overtime game, but you get the idea.

2011 fantasy recap, week 8

2011-11-01T20:57:00.002-04:00

** Dallas hadn't given up 100 yards rushing in a game all year coming into this week. On Sunday night, the Eagles had that midway through the 2nd quarter.

** Dallas had averaged almost 32 mins of possession coming into this week. On Sunday night, they had the ball for under 18 mins, thanks to that Eagles rushing attack.

** Dallas had the best receiver on the night (Laurent Robinson, 103 yards) and the top defensive player (DeMarcus Ware, 4 sacks) on Sunday. And that didn't matter at all.

** Dallas had 12 first downs in the game. The Eagles had 10 first downs in the first quarter.

** Dallas got crushed. Just crushed.

QB: Cam Newton, 30.90 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Steven Jackson, 34.03 pts -- started by Bobert
WR: Antonio Brown, 21.33 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Brent Celek, 19.27 pts -- on the wire
K: Nick Novak, 15.00 pts -- started by Bobert
DEF: Buffalo, 32.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Cliff Avril, 17.50 pts -- on the wire

Shady McCoy rushes for 185 yards and two TDs, and he's not even the second-highest fantasy scoring back this week (Ravens RB Ray Rice edged him out by 0.10 pts). Tough competition.

"WRs that you sorta know" edition
3rd place: Ted Ginn Jr, 0.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Donte Stallworth, 0.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Blair White, 0.04 pts -- on the wire

I've been doing these recaps for eight years now, and I can't remember a single week where there wasn't at least one fantasy player in negative points. But not this week. Every QB who played earned points, every skill player hit positive points, every defense was above zero.

Just so someone can be made fun of properly here, it's worth noting that the best fantasy player to date is Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers with 228.38 pts, and the worst player on the season is his backup, QB Matt Flynn, with -2.20 pts. Coming in at second worst at -1.80 pts is QB Vince Young, who I think still plays for the Titans. I mean, if he played for the Eagles I'd see him every once in a while, right?

Three weeks ago, Wisconsin was 6-0, boasting a top 10 scoring offense and scoring defense, and appeared to have a solid track to the Big Ten Title game and possibly a national championship appearance.

Two weeks ago, Wisconsin lost 37-31 to Michigan State on a last-second Hail Mary touchdown pass, ruining their undefeated season.

Last week, Wisconsin lost 33-29 to Ohio State on a last-minute Hail Mary tocuhdown pass, ruining their chances at a Big Ten title.

It'd be ridiculous to say that God has it out for the Badgers, or that the losses are the work of divine intervention. But it's pretty clear the Blessed Mother can't stand their guts.

Brian Billick, former head coach of the Ravens, was the FOX color commentator for the Baltimore-Arizona game on Sunday (because that's sure to provide fair and unbiased analysis). In the fourth quarter, with the game tied, Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb tossed a high but completed pass which also drew a pass interference penalty. Billick's response:

"I'd say that's an uncatchable ball, except that he did catch it."

Billick routinely refers to "Philly's great former RB Michael Westbrook" when calling Eagles games, so it's pretty clear he's just a few head shots away from the PUP list (Physically Unable to Pronounce). Still, it would probably help if he tried thinking before he talked next time.

First it was "planking," then "batmaning," then "owling." Now, the next great viral trend is "Tebowing" -- posing with one knee down in a moment of victory prayer, like Broncos QB Tim Tebow does. Or, it was a trend, until the Detroit defensive line used the pose as a mocking taunt after sacking Tebow repeatedly on Sunday. But, to keep you ahead of the game, hereare the next photobomb trends to expect:

** TO-ing: In honor of WR Terrell Owens, making as much noise as possible in public, to see what media attention you can get.

** Eli-ing: In honor of Giants QB Eli Manning, posing with a slack-jawed, vacant stare as the world passes by.

** Redskin-ing: In honor of the Maryland Racial Slurs defense, celebrating wildly even when your team is being shut out.

** Ochocinco-ing: In honor of Patriots WR Chad Ochocinco, disappearing in public.

** Farve-ing: In honor of QB Brett Farve, saying you're going to sit down, sitting down, then standing up again, saying you're going to sit down, and repeating.

** McNabb-ing: In honor of Vikings QB Donovan McNabb, dry heaving after every action.

** Romo-ing: In honor of Cowboys QB Tony Romo, posing as if you're choking.

If you're part of the Dallas coaching staff, what do you say to your team after an embarassment of a game like that on Sunday? Luckily, if you're Cowboys' Defense Coach Rob Ryan, all you need to do is rearrange the letters in your title a little bit:

Dallas defensive coordinator Rob Ryan
Sorry, vile brood: A nadir, no NFC East lead

For the record, nearly every single week, no matter which Cowboy's player or coach I pick, I always seem to have the right letters to spell "vile" or "evil." Coincidence? I think not.

Week 8 standings

While the rest of us tread water, Anthony is making his way up towards the promised land. Too bad he can't start both Cam Newton and Mike Vick every week.

** Lost another week to Dad, now I'm back to three down in our weekly standings. But we both correctly picked the winless Rams to thump the 5-2 Saints, proving our prognosticating skills. Or, at least that's what we're saying publicly.

** Your FCS football update: Delaware beat Towson on Saturday night, 35-30, preserving the Hens slim playoff hopes for this season. At 5-4, it has been a rough season for Delaware, but at least they're not Villanova (1-8 on the season). Towson's record? Nobody cares.

** Great news from ChampMike, whose son was born just a few hours ago -- both mom Heidi and the baby are happy and healthy. However, we also have terrible news from the league office: Baby Doyle has already tested positive for illegal performance enhancing drugs, and received a one-year ban from fantasy league play like his mother. Somebody really has to clean up that household.

2011 fantasy recap, week 7

2011-10-25T20:18:00.002-04:00

For those of you keeping score at home.

** Chris Redman (Falcons)
Zero for 1, zero yards, 39.6 rating
** Michael Spurlock (Bucs)
Zero for 1, zero yards, 39.6 rating
** You (No team)
Zero for 1, zero yards, 39.6 rating
** Matt Hasselbeck (Titans)
14 for 30, 104 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs, 38.8 rating
** Curtis Painter (Colts)
9 for 17, 67 yards, 1 INT, 38.1 rating
** Charlie Whitehurst (Seahawks)
12 for 30, 97 yards, 1 INT, 25.0 rating
** Kyle Boller (Raiders)
7 of 14, 61 yards, 3 INTs, 22.3 rating
** Carson Palmer (Raiders)
8 of 21, 116 yards, three INTs, 17.3 rating

For the record, you were also better on Sunday than Eli Manning, who used the bye week to pratice his interception face.

QB: Drew Brees, 43.00 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Arian Foster, 42.43 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Marques Colston, 25.53 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Jimmy Graham, 21.60 pts -- started by Paul
K: Mason Crosby, 18.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Kansas City, 40.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Donald Butler, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Coming into this week, we only saw three players top 40 points all season. This week, we had three more, including a unheard of 40-point defensive performance, the best in fantasy football history (note: probably not, but I'm not fact-checking that.) Foster nearly doubled his fantasy output for the year on Sunday (107 pts total now). RB Chris Johnson? He still stinks.

"Those terrible QBs" edition
3rd place: Curtis Painter, -0.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Kyle Boller, -0.66 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Carson Palmer, -1.36 pts -- on the wire

I know I already made fun of Palmer and Boller, but I really can't exaggerate that just how bad they were in Oakland's 28-0 loss on Sunday to Kansas City. And it gives me a chance to pull out one of my favorite stats: The Reverse QB rating.

Assume, if you will, that these guys were actually playing for the Chiefs instead of the Raiders. Both threw an INT returned for a TD. Both completed multiple passes to the KC defense. So, if we run their numbers backwards, here's what their QB rating looks like:

Palmer (as a Raider)
8 of 21, 116 yards, three INTs, 17.3 rating
Palmer (as a Chief)
3 of 21, 60 yards, 1 TD, 8 INTs, 15.8 rating
Boller (as a Raider)
7 of 14, 61 yards, 3 INTs, 22.3 rating
Boller (as a Chief)
3 of 14, 51 yards, 1 TD, 7 INTs, 26.4 rating

Just awful, any way you cut it.

We're not even halfway through the season, and already it's very clear who should win the NFL MVP this year: Colts QB Peyton Manning. Sure, he has't played a single down this season, but consider how awful Indianapolis has been without him:

2010: 381 yards of offense per game
2011: 280 yards of offense per game

2010: 27.2 points scored per game
2011: 15.9 points scored per game

2010: Defense on the field 30:30 per game
2011: Defense on the field 35:36 per game

2010: 45 percent 3rd down conversion rate
2011: 36 percent 3rd down conversion rate

And the most telling stat? Last year, after seven games, the Colts were 5-2. This year? 0-7, with nary a win in sight.

Normally I just like to highlight mis-speaks and idicotic statements here, but I need to take a little different approach this week. On Oct. 14, football analyst Matt Millen, who put together the worst team in NFL history when he was GM of the Lions, had this to say about Detroit's recent sports success:

"I think it's awesome. I think it's fantastic. I'm especially happy for those fans -- they deserve it. They've been waiting for this for decades."

Since those comments, the Lions -- who were undefeated at that point in the season -- have lost two games in a row in which they were favored, and the Detroit Tigers were eliminated from the MLB playoffs.

When will we as Americans recognize that every time Matt Millen speaks, it causes irreparable damage to the city of Detroit? Haven't they suffered enough?

** Since QB Mike Vick joined the Eagles, the team has gone 1-4 against the Cowboys, and has been outscored by 46 points total in those contests.

** In games where Vick has appeared against the Cowboys, including his time in Atlanta, Vick is a mediocre 2-3 against the Cowboys.

** In their last five prime-time games against Dallas, the Eagles are 1-4.

** Sunday's Eagles-Cowboys game is in Philly. In their last five games at home, the Eagles are 0-5.

** The Cowboys last week rushed for 298 yards against the Rams, a team that coming into the game was giving up 4.8 yards per carry to opponents. The Eagles rush defense? It's currently giving up 4.8 yards per carry to opponents.

Maybe setting expectations lower will make next Sunday less painful.

Cowboys rookie DeMarco Murray burst onto the NFL scene this weekend with an impressive 253-yard performance against St. Louis on Sunday (which, since it was against the 0-7 Rams, only counts as 87 yards). Murray was a college star at Oklahoma, but not much has been known about what kind of pro player he'll be. Of course, when we look at his name ...

Dallas rookie RB DeMarco Murray
A armored-abs crook. I'll murder ya.

... we can see that on top of being pure evil, Murray is also grammatically challenged. We use "an" when the next word starts with a vowel, Mr. Murray. Think about that during your next killing spree.

Week 7 standings

Paul could have used that 40-point KC defense this week: Instead, he decided to start the Bengals D, even though they were on a bye. Normally, that'd be enough to earn you a spot of ridicule in this column, but Joel one-upped him by starting three players on a bye. If you take his QB out of the mix (Brees), he had 11 other players score a breathtaking 46 points. Around here, we call that kind of failure "Andy Reid" coaching.

What's Anthony doing near the top again?

** I'm now only two back on Dad in the weekly picks, but I'm 3-4 in my other fantasy league (where money is involved). I lost this week by 0.9 pts, thanks to the last-minute FG put up by the Jags against the Ravens D. If anyone knows friends in the NFL stats department, let me know if you can get an extra sack added to Baltimore's total, and I'll be back in business.

** World Series update, game six: I still don't care.

** Following up on the RB Jerome Harrison trade from last week: I'm glad his pre-trade physical found his potentially life-threatening brain tumor early enough for him to get treatment, and I understand he won't be playing at all this year. All I'm saying is, I'd still rather have him on the roster now than RB Ronnie Brown.

** Since I feel like most of this post was doom and gloom this week, here's something to cheer you up.

2011 fantasy recap, week 6

2011-10-18T21:00:00.002-04:00

You don't have to be a genius to see that this weekend's big game means some exciting playoff football is headed to Philly this season.

Sure, the offense was quieter than usual, but the defense was inspired. What impressed me the most was the steady coaching we saw throughout the game, which is important when you're looking at all the new faces on the team over the last two years.

There's no question in my mind that this team will be dangerous for the rest of the year, and has a legitimate shot at going deep into the post-season.

So, congrats to the Philadelphia Union, for clinching their first playoff berth in just their second season. Maybe you can inspire some other football teams in this city to overachieve for once.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 29.90 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Ahmad Bradshaw, 32.13 pts -- started by NewMike
WR: Devin Hester, 25.75 pts -- on the wire
TE: Brandon Pettigrew, 16.80 pts -- started by Joel
K: Billy Cundiff, 20.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: NY Jets, 26.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Aldon Smith, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Listening to the local Ravens broadcast on Sunday, the commentators were talking about how reliable Cundiff has been on FGs and kickoffs, going so far as to call him "Weapon X" for the team. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Brian Dawkins hunted each of them down after the game and murdered them viciously. Not out of anger, of course. Just to illustrate a point.

3rd place: Matthew Slater, -1.56 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Vince Young, -1.80 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Rex Grossman, -2.28 pts -- on the wire

Nice work, "Dream Team" Young. Really appreciate your contributions here.

And while Sexy Rexy was worth negative points, it should be noted that his leading receiver on the day -- Eagles S Kurt Coleman -- was worth 10 pts (Three INTs, five tackles). So, he's got that going for him as he rides the bench next week.

Here's everything you need to know about the MLB championship this year:

1 ~ The St. Louis Cardinals have the second most World Series titles in history (10), behind only the Yankees.

2 ~ The Texas Rangers fan base is made up mostly of Dallas Cowboys fans.

So there you go: It's the poor-man's Yankees vs. the Dallas Cowboys B-team. To get a worse match-up, you'd have to find a way to get the Red Sox and the real Yankees to play in the finals. Don't worry, MLB is already working on that.

So, let me get this straight:

Last season, the Eagles signed RB Mike Bell, decided he couldn't play, and traded him to the Browns for RB Jerome Harrison.

Then they cut Harrison.

This season, the Eagles signed RB Ronnie Brown, decided he couldn't play, and traded him to the Lions for RB Jerome Harrison (and a draft pick).

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Harrison won't be around next May. But he may be around again next October.

Here's what the Eagles have scheduled for their off week next Sunday:

** CB Nnamdi Asomugha: Re-learning how to tackle
** CB Asante Samuel: Watching Asomugha relearn how to tackle
** QB Mike Vick: Getting injured rolling out of bed
** FB Owen Schmitt: Trying to remember if he's still on the team
** WR Steve Smith: Checking if the Giants need another wideout
** QB Vince Young: Sucking. Just more sucking.

The Cowboys offense took a lot of heat this week for playing conservatively in the second half, taking a slim late lead and ultimately losing to the Patriots in a tight contest. But the defensive players saw the failure coming from a mile away. Consider the Cowboys' second leading tackler on the day:

Cowboys Dallas defensive tackle Jay Ratliff
** Bovines' jiffy attack eased, cowed rally falls

Too forced for you? How about their linebacking corps then?

Cowboys linebacker Victor Butler
Brave lot? Incorrect, I lobby. We suck. Boo.

Too much? How about the secondary?

Dallas CB Abram Elam
Scab alarm: Me all bad.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Week 6 standings

Everyone scored at least 100 pts this week, no one left more than 15 pts on their bench, no one started a player on a bye. C'mon, people. Give me something to write about.

And, yes, Jeff and Joel, I realized I reversed your names up there. But you're too far down in the standings and I'm too lazy tonight to fix it.

** Picked up one game on Dad this week by correctly predicting that the Eagles would win. I also incorrectly picked the Lions, making me 0-6 in predicting their games this season. Between that and the Tigers loss, no one is more disappointed in the state of Detroit sports this week than me. No one.

** Will Smith (no, not Saints DE Will Smith. The other one) is now part-owner of the Philadelphia 76ers. I don't have a joke here, but I have been singing "Getting jiggy wit it" all day.

** I was in Vegas this weekend (seriously) and on Saturday I made a $5 bet that the Eagles would win the Super Bowl (seriously). It's 35 to 1 odds, so if the impossible happens in February, I'll be celebrating with $175 extra in my pocket. Of course, I still have no faith in this team, but at least I've found a way to make myself root for them every Sunday.

2011 fantasy recap, week 5

2011-10-11T22:36:00.001-04:00

The NFL season began 33 days ago, and the Eagles have one win.

The NHL season began six days ago, and the Flyers have two wins.

Just saying.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 37.12 pts -- on Sam's bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 30.20 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Dwayne Bowe, 27.53 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Joel Dreessen, 19.47 -- on the wire
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 20.00 pts -- started by NewMike
DEF: Seattle, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Brandon Browner, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Everyone who had Seattle beating up the Giants this week, raise your hands. OK, you relentlessly optimistic Seahawks fans out there can put your hands down now.

The Eagles may have managed five turnovers as a team, but New Jersey QB Eli Manning had a fumble and three picks, including the game-clinching 94-yard INT return for a TD. It was the Seahawks first win against the Giants on the East Coast in 28 years. Back then, Eli was only two-year-old, but already had developed those vacant, soulless eyes.

"Across the board" edition
3rd place: Michael Robinson, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Arnaz Battle, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Tampa Bay, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

And if you had Tampa Bay giving up 48 pts to the San Franciso 49ers this week, I'd like your guesses at the lottery numbers for the rest of the week.

Forget for a moment that the Phillies loss on Friday ruined the best regular season in team history -- was the game itself more or less painful to watch than the Eagles debacle on Sunday? Consider these lowlights:

Eagles: 1st Q, Mike Vick tosses two INTs
Phillies: Bottom 1st, Hunter Pence grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 2nd Q, Vick botches a FG chance with horrible clock work
Phillies: Bottom 3rd, Jimmy Rollins grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 3rd Q, Bills RB Fred Jackson opens the Q with a 22-yard run
Phillies: Bottom 5th, Roy Halladay grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, WR Jason Avant has his second turnover of the game
Phillies: Bottom 7th, Raul Ibanez grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, DE Juqua Parker jumps offsides, ending the game
Phillies: Bottom 9th, Ryan Howard grounds out to end the game, injures his leg

16 ground ball outs for the Phillies, and 23 positive rushes for the Bills. Either way, it was like water torture.

During Saturday's Virginia Tech/Miami game, the announcers were analyzing a long run by the Hokies' QB when I hear them say this:

"The 3rd string tight end with the spectacular name George George had a key block which opened up that whole play."

Look, I know I joked about naming my kid "Shane Shane" for a number of years, but I didn't actually follow through with it, because that'd be cruel. Think of all the grief you'd get on standardized tests. Think of the trouble at the DMV. What if the kid grows up and develops a stuttering problem?

No way this can be real, right? I assumed it must be a nickname or middle name or something, so I looked up his bio. Turns out the facts are even worse: Dude is George George III, meaning that no only did his father and grandfather live through this nightmare, but they felt the need to pass it on to the next generation.

At 1-4, the Eagles are one of the worst teams in the league (tied with Jacksonville, Carolina, Arizona, Minnesota and Denver), but they aren't the bottom of the barrel yet. Here's a look at the contenders for that title:

** St. Louis Rams (0-4)
WHY: Tough early sked plus injuries to RB Jackson equal zero wins
POINT DIFF: -67
HOPEFUL SIGN: Still only 3 games out of first in the weak NFC West
REALITY: Of their last 12 games, 8 are against potential playoff teams

** Miami Dolphins (0-4)
WHY: Lost starting QB Chad Henne, forgot to field a defense
POINT DIFF: -35
HOPEFUL SIGN: All of their games have been close, despite their record
REALITY: They still play in the AFC East. That's 6 losses for sure.

** Indianapolis Colts (0-5)
WHY: QB Peyton Manning's neck fell off
POINT DIFF: -49
HOPEFUL SIGN: Manning isn't dead, so he'll be back someday
REALITY: Manning doesn't play defense, so he only fixes half the issue

The Cowboys didn't play this week, but their hatred of all things good takes no vacation. Just look at what their break time spells out:

Dallas Cowboys annual bye week plans
Dopey weasels sock a baby, welp a nun, dally on

As if punching the baby wasn't enough evil.

Week 5 standings

Yeah, we're all getting sick of NewMike right now. On the plus side, my team is looking pretty good. I know that encourages all of you.

** Dropped two more to Dad, now I'm four back in the standings. Which means I'm even behind where the Eagles are in the standings. I don't care what the league says, I still don't believe the Lions are 5-0.

** I was going to make a Brett Farve birthday joke here, but I just don't think I have it in me.

** I'm fooling around with the comments on these posts, after finding out that blogger is having some problems allowing responses. So, for the none of you who've wanted to leave a comment, you should be able to do so now.

** Right now, it's better to be a Detroit sports fan than a Philadelphia sports fan. Just writing that made me throw up in my mouth a little.

2011 fantasy recap, week 4

2011-10-04T21:57:00.001-04:00

The Phillies 11-6 win Saturday was significant not just because it started off their post-season in style but also because it broke up an otherwise dreadful weekend for anyone associated with Philadelphia sports. Consider:

-- The Eagles lost a 24-23 disaster to the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday.
-- The Phillies lost 5-4 Sunday night in a game where they led 4-0.
-- Temple was upset by Toledo, 36-13, on Saturday.
-- Villanova was upset by William and Mary, 20-16, on Saturday.
-- The Flyers lost their final pre-season game, 2-1 to the Devils, on Saturday.
-- Former Philadelphia QBs Donovan McNabb (Vikings), Kevin Kolb (Cardinals), and A.J. Feeley (Rams) all lost on Sunday as well.
-- The Philadelphia Union didn’t lose on Sunday, but they didn’t win either -- they had a 1-1 draw.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 53.92 pts -- started by Bob
RB: Matt Forte, 32.03 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Hakeem Nicks, 26.80 pts -- started by Bob
TE: Jimmie Graham, 24.80 pts -- started by Paul
K: Ryan Succop, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 34.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: Chris Houston, 11.00 pts -- on the wire

Bob benefits from Rodgers' ridiculous week: 6 total TDs, 400-plus yards passing. That's the highest individual fantasy total since last year's 57.32 pts performance by Eagles QB Mike Vick, when he had 6 total TDs and over 400 yards of offense. Near as I can tell, that Vick game was the highest individual fantasy total game of the last 20 years (at least by our league's scoring). And, if you remember, I had Vick on my bench that week. But I'm not still bitter about it.

For the record, the Baltimore defense outscored the Baltimore offense 21-13 on Sunday night. Their three defensive TDs also were better than the point totals for 11 other teams on the weekend.

"Terrible QBs" edition
3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.82 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Matt Flynn, -2.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Mark Sanchez, -2.44 pts -- on my bench

Those three Baltimore defensive TDs? They came off of four Sanchez turnovers. The only reason he wasn't worth fewer points was because he got an extra half-point for a tackle after his third fumble of the night.

Speaking of substandard QB work, coach of the week honors go to Sam, who at the last moment on Sunday opted to start Pittsburgh's Ben Rothelisberger over Arizona's Kevin Kolb. The plan worked perfectly -- Corn Kolb was worth a mere 5.58 pts, while Big Ben scored a much more impressive 7.34 pts. Sam was so proud of that move, he asked me to specifically sing his praises in this week's recap. He currently sits almost 94 pts out of first place.

** Through four games, the Jacksonville Jaguars have scored three TDs. The Green Bay Packers have 19.

** The Pittsburgh Steelers are -10 in turnovers this year, but 2-2 in the standings. The Minnesota Vikings are even in turnovers and 0-4.

** Patriots QB Tom Brady (1,559 passing yards) is still on pace for over 6,200 passing yards this season.

** The Denver Broncos longest FG of the year so far is 34 yards. The Oakland Raiders longest FG is 63 yards.

It’s hard imagine that any part of that Eagles/49ers game could be dumber than the plays on the field (Stop handing the ball to RB Ronnie Brown inside the 10. Please), but Fox analyst Jim Mora Jr. was up to the task.

With the Eagles facing a third and one in the third, he remarked that the first-down line was actually much closer. And he astutely observed that the difference would also effect the play call:

“You might not realize this at home, but to coaches there’s a big difference between 6 inches and a yard.”

Now, to me there’s no recognizable difference between 36 inches and 6 inches, but I decided to test Mora’s hypothesis. I took a 6-inch pencil and a yardstick, laid them side by side, then stuck them both in my ear. The pencil jabbed me a little but fit in. The yardstick went pretty far in, and then everything went black, and then I couldn’t hear Mora speaking anymore. So I guess there was a difference.

For the record, the next comment Mora made was about how the 49ers didn’t have enough time to overcome a nine-point deficit, even though they had just scored 14 points in five minutes and the Eagles were only up six.

The NFL always has its finger on the pulse of its fans, so it comes as no surprise that their pick for the 2012 Super Bowl Halftime show is another cutting-edge artist they know and love: Madonna. For those of you unfamiliar with her work, here's a look at some of her career highlights and other notable football moments:

1983 -- Madonna scores her first #1 hit
1983 -- Steelers QB Terry Bradshaw retires

1986 -- Madonna releases "Papa don't preach"
1986 -- Texans RB Arian Foster is born

1989 -- Madonna's controverisal "Like a prayer" video debuts
1989 -- The Cowboys draft QB Troy Aikman

1992 -- Madonna releases her graphic "Sex" book
1992 -- Eagles WR Jeremy Maclin enters kindergarten.

1996 -- Madonna stars in the movie "Evita"
1996 -- The Cleveland Browns move to Baltimore

2001 -- Madonna pens the theme for the latest James Bond movie
2001 -- Cowboys QB Troy Aikman retires

2002 to present -- Patriots win 3 Super Bowls (and lose a 4th)
2002 to present -- Madonna does nothing of consequence

In case you didn't get the joke, she's old.

Sure, the Cowboys lost again on Sunday, but new WR Laurent Robinson had an impressive 8-catch, 116-yard debut for the team. The former Illinois State player could be a major part in righting the ship in the absence of several other WRs. But fans shouldn’t get their hopes up yet -- just look what his name spells out:

Dallas Cowboys wideout Laurent Robinson
Reliable corn dud touts no wins. Always boo.

I know Illinois State is kinda rural, but “corn dud” just seems unnecessary.

Week 4 standings

Nice work all around this week -- everyone scored over 100 pts. But what's Anthony doing up at the top?

** Dad and I split our picks this week, so he's still up two. And, for the record, I picked McNabb to win again this week, and I was wrong again this week.

** Delaware lost this weekend too, to the Maine Black Bears, but I didn't know if I could include them in the "Philadelphia losses" category. I mean, I think all of Delaware is just a Philadelphia suburb, but some folks take offense to that.

** As I was writing this, the Phils won game three by a 3-2 tally. So, forget all those negative things I said at the top. It's all good.

2011 fantasy recap, week 3

2011-09-27T21:14:00.002-04:00

With the baseball post-season just a few days away, here’s how a few notable MLB personalities are getting ready:

-- Phillies manager Charlie Manuel: Trying to remember how many bases it takes to score one run.

-- Former Braves manager Bobby Cox: Giving Heimlich Maneuver lessons to the Braves staff, as the team’s resident playoff choking expert.

-- Yankees manager Joe Girardi: Pretending that another World Series title would actually mean something to the franchise.

-- Red Sox manager Terry Francona: Seeing if Bobby Cox is available for outside consultant work.

-- Diamondbacks manager Kirk Gibson: Putting up billboards around the country reminding folks that Arizona has a playoff team too.

-- Mets manager Jerry Manuel: Dusting off his golf clubs.

QB: Joe Flacco, 34.26 pts -- on ChampMike's bench
RB: Darren McFadden, 32.57 pts -- started by ChampMike
WR: Wes Welker, 44.37 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Jermichael Finley, 30.67 pts -- started by Dad
K: Dan Bailey, 21.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 21.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: (tie) Greg Hardy, 10.50 pts -- on the wire
D: (tie) Jared Allen, 10.50 pts -- on the wire

Just missing this list was Ravens rookie WR Torry Smith, whose first three catches in the NFL each went for a TD. He's the first rookie ever to haul in three TD passes in a quarter. And that sounds great, but you know that's just going to raise unrealistic expectations. You never want to be known as the guy who only catches touchdowns. Just ask Chris Carter.

In case you missed it, Baltimore police announced on Sunday that they had found and captured a local man impersonating Eagles QB Vince Young at charity events and conning women out of money.

And while the Baltimore cops should be applauded for that effort, it’s an embarrassment to the Philadelphia police department and Philadelphia Eagles fans, who still have not located the real Vince Young since the end of the preseason.

Seriously, though, special thanks to Vince for coining that whole “dream team” thing and then disappearing for a month. I’d accuse him of talking big and coming up small, but that would imply that he has showed up at all this season. And I seriously don’t know if he’s still even in this country.

”Everybody hurts” edition
3rd place: NY Jets, 0.00 pts -- started by Ant
2nd place: Cecil Shorts, -0.02 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Mike Kafka, -2.60 pts -- on the wire

Pity poor Kafka -- He threw only seven passes on Sunday, and tosses #1 and #7 were both back-breaking INTs. As ChampMike said, you’ve got to do better than that if you want to become the next Eagles backup QB to be traded for a second-round draft pick.

During the Sunday night game, Colts QB Kerry Collins suffered a concussion in the late third quarter. That forced backup backup QB Curtis Painter into the game. The commentators asked sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya if he was prepared for the task. Her response:

“When I spoke to him before the game, he said he felt pretty good, he felt pretty relaxed. He said he only had a couple of reps early in the week with the offense, but he said he took as many mental reps as he possibly could, both on the field … and in the meeting room.”

So he didn’t practice at all, but he thought reaaally hard about it. I can’t decide if that’s the dumbest thing I heard all week or the saddest thing I’ve heard all year.

Congrats to Giants QB Eli Manning, who had a career best day on Sunday in the New Jersey squad’s win over the Eagles. How surprising was the performance? Consider this:

** Eli tossed four TDs and no INTs on Sunday, only the second time in 114 regular and post-season starts that he’s thrown that many scores without a pick. Conversely, he’s had 14 games in his career with no TDs and at least one INT.

** In fact, Sunday’s no turnover game was only the fifth time in the last 26 games where he didn’t have a turnover. Over that same span, he’s had five games where he accounted for three or more turnovers.

** But wins is the only stat that really defines a QB, and that’s where Eli’s game Sunday really shines. It brought his record over the last 30 games to 15-15, putting him in the elite company of average QBs.

** On a more personal level, Eli’s fast start this season has finally given him the chance to be the best QB in his family for the season. His six TDs and 735 yards passing are well ahead of his brother Peyton’s pace, since he’s been out since day one of the season. Eli has never finished with better stats than his brother.

So good for Eli -- it couldn’t happen to a nicer man-child.

The question all week surrounding the Cowboys was whether QB Tony Romo would play Monday night (he did) and how team physicians could let him play with a serious rib and lung injury. It seems cold from afar, but if you examine the issue a little closer, you see how they could make that decision:

Cowboys’ Tony Romo’s cracked rib and busted lung
** Doctors mock dude’s ugly brain, corny downbeats **

If even the doctors -- the guys whose job it is to keep you healthy -- don’t care if you live or die, it’s a pretty good indication that you’re not well liked. Just saying.

Week 3 standings

The distance between second and eighth place is less than three TDs, but the distance between first and second is a doozy. NewMike posted another huge week and jumped way out front, but it's still early. Unless you're Bob, in which case it's already getting late in the game.

** I’m 30-18 with my picks on the year, which is pretty good, but still two games worse than Dad. Vikings QB Donovan McNabb is 0-3 on the year and I’m 1-2 picking his games so far. Good to know the guy can still cause me heartburn even when he’s across the country.

** What's weirder, that Tom Brady threw four INTs on Sunday or that the Lions are 3-0? Neither. The weirdest thing in the NFL this year is that Brett Farve hasn't unretired yet. But the Colts need a new QB, so give it time.

** The Phillies just won 100 games for only the third time in their history. I feel like I should have had an item on that.

** Hey, does anyone have those Mets "choking hazard" signs from a few years back? We might need to update them with a Braves or Red Sox logo. And it can't hurt to have them around just in case the Eagles keep playing like this.

2011 fantasy recap, week 2

2011-09-20T21:42:00.008-04:00

Next Sunday, barring a head transplant for Eagles QB Mike Vick, the Giants and Eagles will square off in Philadelphia in a battle of signal-caller greatness: Eli Manning vs. Mike Kafka. Here’s the tale of the tape:

Kafka: Funny name
Manning: Funny face

Manning: 115 INTs in 107 career games
Kafka: Zero INTs in 1 career games

Kafka: Best QB in Northwestern history
Manning: Third best QB in his family

Manning: Won the 2008 Super Bowl
Kafka: Lost the 2010 Outback Bowl

Kafka: Has a soul
Manning: Has a six-year, $97.5 million contract

Seems like a toss-up to me.

QB: Tom Brady, 35.22 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Darren McFadden, 28.93 pts -- started by ChampMike
WR: Jeremy Maclin, 36.50 pts -- sitting on my bench
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 25.03 pts -- started by Jeff
K: Rob Bironas, 15.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: NY Jets, 26.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Morgan Burnett, 10.50 pts -- on the wire

How good has Brady been this year? Through two games, the Patriots QB has already thrown for 940 yards and seven TDs. If he averages just 300 yards a game the rest of the season (170 yards fewer than he averaged in the first two games), he’ll easily pass the single season passing mark of 5,084 yards.

Here’s hoping he has another perfect season like last year: MVP stats in the regular season, then a quick playoff exit.

“Skill players” edition
3rd place: Ricky Williams, -1.80 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Matt Cassell, -2.68 pts -- started by me
1st place: Luke McCown, -4.74 pts -- on the wire

Not only did I leave the best player of the week on my bench, I also started the second worst player of the week. All told, I left 49 pts on my bench. Good all around effort by me.

But even more impressive was the work of Jags QB Luke McCown, who made Matt Cassell’s four-turnover day look almost respectable. McCown tossed four interceptions and completed only six passes to his own team, good for 59 yards and a 1.2 QB rating. For the record, that’s 33 times worse than your QB rating on Sunday (one attempt, no completions, no interceptions equals a 39.6 rating).

On Sunday, Lions K Jason Hanson set an NFL record by playing in his 297th game with the same team. Here’s a look at some of the good times he has gotten to enjoy over his nearly 20-year career in the Motor City:

-- Two Pro-Bowl selections
-- Five playoff appearances
-- Zero playoff wins
-- 191 losses (career .359 win percentage)
-- A record 26-game road losing streak
-- A record 0-16 regular season
-- 8 different head coaches
-- 21 different starting QBs
-- 97 missed FGs (against 441 made)
-- 8 missed XPs (against 576 made)
-- One Barry Sanders retirement

If there’s a Hall of Fame for withstanding punishment, Hanson is a lock to get in.

This week’s award goes to the guy who sat behind me at the Phillies game Saturday night (when the Phils clinched their fifth straight NL East title). Among the gems he uncorked during the game:

-- “Stutes is terrible. You can’t rush him up if you’re not ready to pitch in the big leagues.” P Mike Stutes had a bad game Saturday, but it was his 53rd of the year. That’s not exactly rushing him to the bigs.

-- “Now they’re in trouble. Berkman is due.” Cardinals OF Lance Berkman was two for three at that point in the game.

-- “Lidge has his stuff tonight!” P Brad Lidge did indeed get the final out of the 8th for the Phils, but it was on one pitch. Not a great sample size.

-- “They’ve got to bring in Madison already. BRING IN MADISON!” The Phillies closer is P Ryan Madson. There is no I in ‘closer.’

Great omens related to the Phillies five-peat as division champs:

-- Look at the words “World Series Champs.” World has five letters. Champs has five letters. Series has five letters, plus one.

-- How many World Series have the Phillies won? Two. How many have they played in? Four. How many World Series take place this year? One. Two plus four minus one? Five.

-- No Phillies team in history has every won five consecutive division titles and failed to win the World Series (This is the first time the team has ever won five in a row).

-- Who wears #5 for the Phillies. 2B Pete Orr. He’s Canadian. Who won the last major sports championship? The Boston Bruins, a team FULL of Canadians. Case closed.

The hero-but-almost-goat of the Cowboys win on Sunday over the 49ers was unheralded WR Jesse Holley, who in overtime took a 77-yard pass down the two-yard line before being tackled while showboating. Many were surprised by the wideout’s big play, considering he was only on the roster because he won the reality show “4th and Long” to earn a spot at the team’s training camp. But one quick look at his name shows why he belongs on the Cowpokes’ squad:

Jesse Holley -- Joyless heel
Wide Receiver Jesse Holley -- Jeers: I yell, deceive whores
Reality Star Jesse Holley -- Tailor’s hell: Jersey yeast

I don’t even understand that last one, but it’s clear this guy is completely revolting.

Week 2 standings

Tough week for Bobert, who already finds himself down almost 100 points in the standings. But I dropped all the way into last place early last season and pulled myself up to the top through hard work, persistence and tax breaks for small businesses making less than $5 million annually. That’s called “good coaching.” Just ask Jim.

-- Picked up two games on Dad this weekend, so we’re tied for the year. Want to know my secret? Pick against Eagles QBs. Donovan McNabb, Kevin Kolb and Mike Vick all lost this weekend. Koy Detmer was unavailable for comment.

-- Rams QB Sam Bradford currently holds the title of worst rusher in the NFL, with -15 yards on the ground through two games. At his current pace, he’ll finish the year with -120 yards rushing. Browns QB Colt McCoy is the worst WR, with one catch for -5 yards, on pace for -40 receiving yards for the season.

-- This weekend’s Eagles-Giants game marks the first meeting since WR DeSean Jackson’s last-second punt-return TD win last fall (Miracle at the Meadowlands III or IV, depending on how you’re counting.) You know what would be awesome this week? A “Miracle on Broad Street” game. Except this time, the home team takes the win. And instead of a last-minute comeback, they just kick the crap out of the visitors and win by 35. That’d be fun.

2011 fantasy recap, week 1

2011-09-13T20:37:00.008-04:00

After a Sunday afternoon full of Sept. 11 anniversary tributes (many of them just awful -- Robert De Niro just seemed creepy talking on behalf of the NFL), I thought it was a nice touch to see New York's own beloved football team go out there and play their hearts out. Nobody was sure what to expect from the squad after another tumultuous offseason, but they went out there and performed exactly how you'd hope they would. So, congrats again to the Buffalo Bills, New York state's only football team, for their epic beatdown of the KC Chiefs on Sunday.

In unrelated news, the New Jersey Giants were absolutely terrible on Sunday. And I thought it was embarrassing that they would wear New York Fire Department hats on the sidelines, since the team doesn't play in that city. They really should have worn Newark or Jersey City items instead. Show some civic pride, jerks.

QB: Tom Brady, 42.98 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Mike Tolbert, 34.87 pts -- started by Joel
WR: Steve Smith, 31.87 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Scott Chandler, 21.20 pts -- on the wire
K: David Akers, 15.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Chicago, 27.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Brian Urlacher, 13.50 pts -- started by Jo

Only one girl left in the league this year, and she whipped all our sorry butts this week. Jo fell just short of an epic 200-point week, even with Danny Amendola’s dislocated arm on her bench. And for those of you who before this week could identify Mike Tolbert and Scott Chandler as professional football players and not characters from a generic police drama, congrats.

-- Patriots QB Tom Brady (517 passing yards Monday) is on pace to pass for 8,272 yards this year, destroying the NFL single-season record of 5,084.

-- The Steelers (7 turnovers Sunday) are on pace for 112 giveaways this year, nearly double the team record of 63 turnovers in a season.

-- Eagles RB LeSean McCoy (122 rushing yards Sunday) is on pace to rush for 1,952 yards this season, roughly 1,900 more yards on the ground than coach Andy Reid would like to see from his team.

-- Cowboys QB Tony Romo and Giants QB Eli Manning are on pace to go 0-32 this year, and post a record 752 dopey faces by November (Previous record held by Eli, with 652 by Nov. 1).

-- RB Fred Taylor (retired two weeks ago) is on pace to get injured anyway.

Opening Defense edition
3rd place: Seattle, -1.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
2nd place: Miami, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Kansas City, -3.00 pts -- started by Jim
1st place: Pittsburgh, -5.00 pts -- started by Paul

Paul may have had the worst player on the week (one point off the lowest possible score from a defense), but Jim had the roughest coaching debut of the season: He left 52 points on his bench. For good measure, Anthony opted to start two players injured before kickoff this week, and Jeff supported my preseason prediction that he’d win the league by inexplicably failing to start a second defensive player, the 769th time he’s left a position open in this fantasy league. He’s sly like a fox, that one.

During the USC-Utah game on Versus on Saturday (note: I may have a problem with the amount of football I'll watch), the commentators had this exchange during the first series:

Play-by-play guy: Utah QB Jordan Wynn had shoulder surgery during the offseason, and missed much of the spring practices. If you're USC, do you try and get to him early?

Color commentator: Sure. He's the QB. I try to get to him on every play.

I couldn't hear the booth clearly after that, but I assume the next sound was that guy slapping the play-by-play announcer upside the head.

Every year, at the start of the season, my father asks me a question about some rookie and quotes Yahoo's fantasy expert projections. Then I respond by asking him if he still believes in the tooth fairy as well. And then we don't talk for a few weeks.

But this year, I wanted to pull some numbers to show just how terrible those projected fantasy points are. So I pulled the numbers for the top 30 projected QBs and the top 50 projected RBs and compared them with how they actually fared. Since I crunched the numbers Monday night, before the game finished, I had to throw a few names out. But here's what I found:

-- Among 28 QBs, only 17 were within 50 percent (plus or minus) of the projected fantasy points.
-- Only 12 were within 30 percent.
-- Only 3 were within 10 percent.

-- Among 39 RBs, only 25 were within 50 percent.
-- Only 15 were within 30 percent.
-- Only 3 were within 10 percent.

Among the QBs off by more than half, the average mistake was more than 14 points. For the RBs, it hovered around 10 points. Imagine a professional football analyst guessing the final score of a game and regularly being off by two touchdowns. How long would that person hold onto a job?

Well, Chris Berman has been that terrible with his picks for 32 years straight now, so maybe that's a bad example.

You'd think that after nearly 130 Cowboy insult anagrams (I counted in the offseason) that I'd start having trouble coming up with new ideas. And you'd think wrong. It's easy to keep doing this, because every year the Dallas braintrust brings in a new crop of absolutely abominable players.

For example, take the Cowboys first-round draft pick this year, Tyron Smith. It took me less than 30 seconds to find the evil lurking inside the offensive tackle's soul:

Tyron Smith -- Horny mitts
Tyron Smith -- Tis my thorn
Tyron Smith -- My hints rot
Tyron Smith -- Him on tryst

He'll fit right in with the rest of those jerks. So, we say to you, "Hi, Mr. Snotty" (also an anagram for Tyron Smith).

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Pretty good scores all around this week, so catching up to Jo shouldn't be too much of a problem.

-- We're only one week into the season and I'm already down two games in my weekly picks to Dad. Special thanks goes out to the AFC South, where I managed to get both games wrong. Damn Colts.

-- Speaking of the damn Colts, NBC's Sunday Night Football intro features Peyton Manning front and center among the NFL stars being highlighted. In the promo he still has a neck, so you know that picture was way outdated.

-- More awesome anagrams, but these are from mentalfloss.com:
** Indianapolis Colts: spinal dislocation
** Baltimore Ravens: ovarian trembles
** Chicago Bears: ribcage chaos
** Dallas Cowboys: spawn of satan
OK, maybe that last one doesn't quite work.

-- The Eagles are still 93 wins behind the Phillies on the season. I'm just saying.

2011 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

2011-09-06T21:41:00.003-04:00

Everybody’s team is ready to go, and it’s already obvious how the season will play out. Here are the highlights:

TEAM: Kickers rule (Sam)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1802 pts, 12th place
ANALYSIS: New guy always gets the bottom preseason ranking, and since he drafted a Lions player in the first round (RB Jahvid Best), he earns that spot. Sam did end up with his man crush, Wes Welker, but forgot to draft Welker’s missing knees afterwards. The only good news for Sam is that he does have QB Kevin “Corn on the” Kolb, so if he starts him in week one he’ll mysteriously end up with Mike Vick by week 5.

TEAM: Boy named Boy (ChampMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1884 pts, 11th place
ANALYSIS: I hate just about everyone on Mike’s team, so that’ll make it easier when he gets busted for performance enhancing drugs later this season (I’m sure he’ll blame it on Heidi). Tony “Toy Moron” Romo, Vincent “He screwed my fantasy team five years ago” Jackson, Stephen “I have to look up this spelling every week” Gostkowski … I’d love to see Mike finish in last. He’ll probably win anyways.

TEAM: Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1977 pts, 10th place
ANALYSIS: Bob took QB Aaron Rodgers with the fifth overall pick, which is just a terrible mistake. QBs can be found anywhere. Just look at the Jaguars – they just dropped longtime signal caller David Garrard in favor of old-school QB Cade McNown. Or was it Luke McCown? Reggie Brown? I’ve got no idea.

TEAM: Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2016 pts, 9th place
ANALYSIS: Yahoo awarded Anthony the “Toyota Best Draft” award on Sunday, based on their points projections for the year. I’m giving him the “Crazy Glue Cracked Draft” instead, for the most fragile team: QB Mike Vick, RB Arian Foster, TE Owen Daniels. He’s one Fred Taylor away from a glass-bottom boat. He does have the best team name, though.

TEAM: I Heart WRs (Paul)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2029 pts, 8th place
ANALYSIS: Paul forsook his team name in this year’s draft, taking three RBs and Peyton Manning’s bent spine before grabbing his first wideout. Think of him like the New York Giants – just because it says New York in the name doesn’t mean they play anywhere near that city. They play in New Jersey, which explains the stink around Eli Manning.

TEAM: The Wildcat’s Corpse (NewMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2098 pts, 7th place
ANALYSIS: There’s where all of Paul’s beloved WRs went … NewMike grabbed four top receivers (and top-flight TE Vernon Davis too) and no decent RBs to speak of. For good measure, this squad doesn’t have any linebackers either, and includes Donovan McNabb. It’s Andy Reid’s dream team. If only he could have found Doug Pederson somewhere.

TEAM: Stafford Infection (Joel)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2134 pts, 6th place
ANALYSIS: Another good team name, but another bad team. His top two RBs are Mike Tolbert (possibly a type of candy) and BenJarvus Green-Ellis (I’ll never trust any player with the same initials as my power company). Plus, he didn’t even draft Matt Stafford. Talk about false advertising.

TEAM: Akers Breaky Heart (Jo)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2136 pts, 5th place
ANALYSIS: The only player Joanna really wanted on her team was the former Eagles kicker, and she made sure to pick him up a round before everyone else. And really, what’s more important to a fantasy team than the right kicker? Just ask Sam. Kickers rule. I suggest you all drop a WR and pick up an extra one right now.

TEAM: Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2201 pts, 4th place
ANALYSIS: I thought Dad’s squad looked OK – QB Phillip Rivers, two good TEs and RBs – but apparently his entire team is already on the waiver wire. So why the high rating? Because of RB Daniel Thomas, WR Danario Alexander, RB Jamaal Charles, and RB Ryan Williams, all on his team. Never pick against men with two first names.

TEAM: Anguish and Ammo (Capt. Awesome)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2275 pts, 3rd place
ANALYSIS: Everything about my team rocks. The name: It’s an anagram of Nnamdi Asomugha. My RBs: Studs LeSean McCoy and MJD. My WRs: Greg Jennings, Reggie Wayne and Jeremy Maclin. My title: Reigning Awesome Cup champion. My downfall: Drafting QB Eli Manning. That’s like topping an ice cream sundae with a rotten egg. A dopey, dopey rotten egg.

TEAM: Taxing Job Creators (Jim)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2332 pts, 2nd place
ANALYSIS: Jim and his ultra-conservative agenda are at it again this year, trying to keep down all the lower-income teams in favor of keeping the rich, fantasy football fat cats ahead. That means overpaying for guys like RB LeGarrette Blount (2nd round), WR Miles Austin (3rd round), QB Matt Schaub (4th round), and the KC defense (why would you draft them at all?). But that kind of “damn the little man” attitude is popular in the country today, so there’s no reason to believe his strategy won’t work.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2338 pts, 1st place
ANALYSIS: Last time I picked Jeff as the sleeper team of the year he ended up stealing the title. This year? Call it a hunch again. Except for the human stain that is a Cowboys RB, his roster is full of undervalued players: RB Michael Turner, QB Matt Ryan, WR Percy Harvin, TE Tony Gonzalez. It’s a hard-working, blue collar squad. And when Jeff wins the Awesome Cup again and the Eagles win the Super Bowl, make sure to look up and appreciate all those flying pigs circling above.

League play starts Thursday night, folks. Make your roster changes (or dump your entire team, Dad) and get ready for your weekly punishment.

2011 fantasy football -- draft order

2011-08-30T21:13:00.002-04:00

Welcome to fantasy football 2011, better known as “The Quest for Awesome Cup X.” Over the last nine years we’ve had 14 different coaches and seven different champions, but today, everyone starts on equal footing (except me, since I am the reigning Awesome Cup champion for another four months). Nothing is certain. The entire season is a blank slate, just like Andy Reid’s mind on third and one (Pass? Or pass?)

Unfortunately, we’re not even one day into the season and we’ve already got controversy. Long-time fantasy manager Heidi was busted for performance enhancing drugs this weekend, her second violation of the league’s zero-tolerance policy. Sure, it’s unclear how extra folic acid would have helped her roster-setting skills, and the pregnancy seems like a legit excuse, but rules are rules. She’s banned for the season.

Luckily, I’ve already found a replacement, so the draft will take place on schedule next Saturday. For anyone who may have forgotten in the offseason, here are the draft order rules. Because the entire league could not be present for the selection show, appropriate proxies are standing by to represent each coach.

As per unofficial league rules, newbie gets the last pick, so the first name on the board is ...

** 12th pick -- Sam

Welcome to the league, Sam. May your dreams crash and burn like the Patriots in the 2010 playoffs. For the record, the last rookie we put in this spot ended up winning the trophy, so if that happens again we may need to reconsider how we put this system together. Sam’s stand-in for the evening, a copy of Madden 2002 for the Playstation, glares across the line of scrimmage at the news.

The next four names go into the Eagles skull cap and the first name out is ...

** 11th pick -- Capt. Awesome

Seriously, who came up with this idiotic draft order process? My proxy, Junior Awesome, responds to the news by yelling, then bashing the TV stand, then falling asleep. Well played, son. Lull everyone into a false sense of security with the bad pick position, then steal the league out from under them. You’re getting your own team next year.

Another name in, another name out ...

** 10th pick -- Champ Mike

Mike finished second to me last year, so it’s only fitting his name comes after mine again this year. Mike’s proxy, a 2004 Eagles NFC champions T-shirt, is strangely absent from the room at the moment … just like his team was strangely absent from the league until the last moment. One year, we’ll get those Doyles to sign up on time. But it won’t be in the league’s first decade, apparently.

Next pick coming out goes to …

** 9th pick -- Joel

Joel finished in the top half of the league last year and gets rewarded with the worst possible slot he could get. His representative, a plush Eeyore doll, stares glumly from the other side of the room, looking for a thistle sandwich to ease the pain of the news.

Our next cheerful contestant on the board is ...

** 8th pick -- New Mike

It’s hard to remember that this is only New Mike’s third year in the league (in large part because none of us remember who this guy is at all) but he’s already posted two impressive finishes and hoisted the Awesome Cup once. His proxy, scattered pieces from fire truck puzzle, lay unorganized around the toy box, presenting a mystery to us all.

Coming in at the next spot is...

** 7th pick -- Jeff

The Blue Collar Killers will have to produce some blue-collar work to get decent results out of this slot -- No one has ever won the league drafting 7th (note: I didn’t actually fact-check that. It just sounds right). Jeff’s representative, a dragon scooter, takes the news without flinching, his vacant eyes just boring a hole through my soul. I hate that dragon.

Onto the next pick ...

** 6th pick -- Joanna

Joanna’s proxy, Joanna, raises her annual line of questioning about why we conduct the draft order in this fashion and if it’s really necessary to line up all the stuffed animals in the room to watch. She is once again ignored.

The next pick out of the hat goes to ...

** 5th pick -- Bobert

The only league coach with a Ph.D. used his smarts to move way up in the draft order this year -- he finished third in 2010, so by all rights he should be picking much later. His stand-in, a copy of the Dr. Seuss classic “Oh the thinks you can think,” admonishes his opponents with the query “Would you dare yank a tooth off the Rink-Rinker-Fink?” Consider the gauntlet thrown down.

Picking just before him will be ...

** 4th pick -- Dad

Dad gets in line for one of the four elite RBs with this pick (Peterson, Foster, Johnson and … I dunno, Marshall Faulk?), which is great news for his chances. Dad’s proxy, my son, informs me he’s going with his grandfather’s team because he has a better pick, and possibly some Cheerios. That child is a traitor. No team for him next year.

Next name out of the hat is ...

** 3rd pick -- Jim

Great news for Jim: Rashard Mendenhall will almost certainly be available with this pick, along with any number of QBs. Terrell Pryor will probably still be there too. Columbus residents love that guy, don’t they? Jim’s representative, a Brutus Buckeye bottle opener, signals victory in response.

Only two left, and the lucky runner up is ...

** 2nd pick -- Ant

What a waste. You know Anthony is just going to pick up LaDanian Tomlinson yet again with this pick. His fill-in, an Achorman DVD, reminds us all that “Milk was a bad choice.” Not sure how that applies here, but everybody has their own strategy.

All that leaves just one name up top ...

** 1st pick -- Paul

Has a wideout been selected #1 in any fantasy draft ever? This could be the year. Paul and his legendary love of wide receivers pull down the #1 pick, giving him the option of taking Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson, Reggie Wayne, Greg Lewis … whoever his heart desires. Paul’s proxy, a pair of Eagles mittens, gives itself a round of applause.

OK, folks, get those pre-draft rankings set. The league gets switched to live Saturday morning. Good luck to all (except cheating Heidi).

Just so we're all clear what happened ...

2011-08-23T21:25:00.002-04:00

On Friday, the Redskins torched the Colts in a preseason match-up. QB John Beck, an unremarkable 30-year-old with only five career starts, looked sharp and appears to have the inside track for the opening day starter job.

Over the weekend, the Nationals took two of three games from the Phillies. The two losses included three blown saves -- before Friday, the Phillies only had two blown saves on the year.

On Monday, the Nationals won their fifth game in seven tries, this time against another division-leadin team (the Diamondbacks).

On Tuesday, the East Coast was hit with a freak earthquake, centered just out of Washington, D.C.

What I'm trying to say is, if Washington teams keep winning, it could mean the end of the world.

Fantasy leaders so far this preseason

2011-08-16T21:41:00.004-04:00

After one week of preseason play:

QBs
1) Stephen McGee, Dallas -- 26.32 pts
2) Matt Moore, Miami -- 14.92 pts
3) Greg McElroy, NYJ -- 14.32 pts

Great performance by the Dallas backup, who brought his team back in the fourth quarter for an incredibly important win. For his career, McGee has only one fewer playoff win than starter Tony Romo. Could there be QB controversy brewing? We could only hope.

RBs
1) Richard Medlin, NE -- 17.40 pts
2) Stevan Ridley, NE -- 16.40 pts
3) Keith Toston, StL -- 12.40 pts

The New England running attack may finally come around this season, as long as they're playing the third-string Jacksonville defensive linemen every week.

WRs
1) Dwayne Harris, Dallas -- 25.47 pts
2) Taylor Price, NE -- 18.00 pts
3) Santana Moss, DC -- 17.27 pts

Why in the hell is Moss -- a #1 wideout -- on this list? Oh, that's right. Shanahan's entire team is backups this year. Nevermind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please use these statistics to evaluate the hidden talent in the league, and draft wisely for the regular season (especially if you're in my leagues. Toston looks like a great first round steal.)

Historical perspective

2011-08-10T21:01:00.003-04:00

The Phillies won their 77th game Wednesday night, in their 117th game of the season. If they go 5-40 in their last 45 games, they'll still have a winning record at the end of the year.

For comparison's sake, in the 20 years before Charlie Manuel took over the Phils (in 2005), they posted fewer than 77 wins on the season 10 times. Two other years they posted exactly 77 wins in 162 tries.

Manuel now sits 25 wins away from the franchise all-time mark for wins by a manager. If the Phillies finish with 102 victories, he'll have that before the 2011 playoffs start.

Rejected 2011 fantasy football team names

2011-08-02T21:01:00.003-04:00

** The Tiki Barbarians
** Chad NewEnglandCheatsO
** Straight Retirement, Homey
** T. Ouch
** Asomugha Awesomites
** Farve-ever
** Manning 2 Manning
** Lockout Laugh Track
** McNabbulous Minneapolis
** Romo for MVP

Right now, the leading contender for my team is "Corn on the Kolb" (stolen from another site). But it's early.

2011 Fantasy Lockout League results

2011-07-25T22:02:00.000-04:00

With the lockout season ending this week, here’s a look at how everyone did in our league this year:

6th place -- Rookie Cap Rumble (Paul)
1342 pts
** Drafting QB Tom Brady was huge for Paul -- His 15 plaintiff points per week led all litigators in the Circuit Court Conference. But the rest of his crew was a major disappointment: Judge David Doty had no running game whatsoever, and his kicker (a contract addendum mandating a 20-game season) ended up costing him in the end.

5th place -- NBA strike 4ever (Mike)
1555 pts
** Mike’s wideout corps of Hines Ward and Kenny Britt came through with a whopping 42 points each in criminal distraction points, but the fun stopped there for his squad. Bills owner Ralph Wilson as lead negotiator? Please. How’s he gonna deal with a legal audible when he can’t even field a decent linebacker corps?

4th place -- Hall of Shame Game (Anthony)
1677 pts
** Two words for why this team failed: Tony Romo.

3rd place -- Rosen-House Party (Bob)
1687 pts
** You knew Bob was just going to stack up the stats with workhorse Roger Goodell in his backfield, but he really hit the jackpot by snagging former U.S. solicitor general Paul Clement off the waiver wire. If only Raiders owner Al Davis hadn’t abstained from the final contract vote, he would have gotten the 100-point “unanimous vote” bonus and stolen the title.

2nd place -- NLFPA LOL (Joanna)
1701 pts
** Drew Brees, Logan Mankins, Mike Vrabel … it seemed like Joanna had every player in the 8th District end zone all season long. In the end, the only mistake she made was banking on the Albert Haynesworth civil suit to get her extra penalty points, but Rashard Mendenhall’s bin Laden tweets almost put her over the top anyway. Almost.

1st place -- Decertify This (Me)
1751 pts
** Peyton Manning was the real star for my team: His consistency scoring bargaining points and TV commercial payouts made your team’s final deals look more NHL than NFL. But the real key was the strategy in not drafting any fans for my team, so I didn’t have to take a 20-point penalty multiple times as they all got screwed each week.

Thanks everyone for playing. We’ll do it again in seven to ten years.

Missing in action

2011-07-19T21:40:00.002-04:00

A quick look back at the first half of the Phillies season, through the appearances of their seven established position players:
Good work by Howard and Ibanez to stay in there for nearly every game. And despite having their starters play in only 16 games together, the team still posted the best record in the league.

Now everybody get healthy already. No more gray.

Stupidest HR Derby tweets

2011-07-12T21:31:00.002-04:00

Actual Twitter posts carrying this week's #HRDerby tag:

@ArlaFusselman57: Robbie Cano calm down... your doing to good...
-- If he had just misspelled it "clam" too, we'd have something.

@espn: Somebody call Marshawn Lynch. Robinson Cano is officially in beast mode tonight.
-- The N in ESPN stands for NFL. The E stands for football.

@jvtorresjr: So people were complaining that last nights #HRDerby was boring... People also complained about #steroids in #MLB! Which one is it?
-- There were 95 HRs last night. No one was complaining there were too few.

@WinonaWachobQQI: @LoMoMarlins how soon can we expect to see you competing in #HRDerby
-- Logan Morrison (of the Marlins) has 14 HRs in 572 plate appearances. Keep waiting.

@PatPumpBGIL: I'm very surprised by the lack of #HRDerby tweets I've been seeing.
-- More than 100,000 tweets were sent with this tag. It was a trending topic all day.

@CarenHaby2603: Chris berman makes the #hrderby entertaining. I love his sayings. "That one was all the way to the space station" lol
-- This person must be killed, for the good of the species.

Updating my memorabilia

2011-07-05T21:03:00.003-04:00

The Flyers season may have ended on a sour note this year, but that's no reason to hold a grudge against the team. So I dusted off my Flyers calendar from 2010 (remember, they were in the finals just 13 months ago) to hang it with pride among my other sports memorabilia. Only one problem...

Yeah, um, Carter, Richards and Gagne aren't on the team anymore. So, maybe we'll go with the more recent calendar instead...

See? Much better. Richards, Carter, Powe, Carcillo and Leino aren't on the team anymore, but there still are a few familiar faces. Like ... Briere! And Pronger! And Hextall!

Ugh.

Cliff Lee in June

2011-06-28T21:42:00.003-04:00

Click on the picture to enlarge.
Pretty boring month all around.

That's a 0.22 ERA, for those of you counting at home.

How the NFL is trying to ruin football (this week)

2011-06-21T21:28:00.003-04:00

Details of the potential settlement between owners and players leaked today. Most of the proposals are what you'd expect: a modified rookie wage scale, team spending caps and minimums, discussions on future expansion to an 18-game season.

However, one simple proposal on the table would ruin the NFL landscape instantly: 16 Thursday night football games over the course of the season, starting in 2012. No details on what weeks those games will be played, but here's why that sucks.

1 -- One or two football games on Thanksgiving makes Thanksgiving awesome. Three is overkill. Five or six makes it exhausting. We gotta have dinner at some point.

2 -- Thursday night games not on Thanksgiving stink. Thursday night football is meant for teams like Boise State, not the Bengals, even if Boise State could probably beat them. Most people have to work on Fridays, whether or not there is a game.

3 -- The short advance week for Thursday games screws with team's practice and recovery schedules. And the long week following games gives those teams an unfair advantage for the next match-up. That's fine for a few unusual circumstances, but every other week? No.

4 -- Thursday night games are a pain in the ass for fantasy football.

5 -- The NFL network will undoubtedly broadcast the Thursday night games and call them "special editions of Sunday Night Football." And that makes all of us dumber.

The perfect All-Star ballot

2011-06-14T20:33:00.002-04:00

All Phillies (and former Phillies, because I can't vote for Francisco) on the right.

All fun names (and no Yankees or Red Sawx) on the left.

Click to enlarge.

Another 10,000 loss team

2011-06-07T20:56:00.002-04:00

Remember the royal treatment the Phillies got back in 2007 when they became the first professional sports franchise to collect 10,000 losses? Well, they're about to get some company.

Coming into Tuesday night's games, the Hotlanta Braves had collected 9,982 losses in their 135-year history, putting them on pace to break the 10K plateau somtime in July. If they can manage a 12-17 record from tonight on, that will give them a chance to hit the mark during a three-game set in Philadelphia just before the All-Star break.

Of course, like all things the Braves do, the new 10,000-loss mark will be less of an accomplishment than their predecessors' was. The Phillies, the oldest continuous one-city franchise in American sports, performed all of their losses as citizens of the city of brotherly love. The Braves had to spread out their losses over three cities, under the names of the Atlanta Braves, Milwaukee Braves, Boston Braves, Boston Bees, Boston Rustlers, Boston Doves, Boston Beaneaters and Boston Red Caps.

The next 10,000 loss team likely won't come for another four seasons -- The Chicago Cubs currently sit 277 losses below that mark. After that, the next team up is the Washington Natinals, who have lost 9,000 games in the last three years alone.

Happy birthday, G

2011-05-28T09:39:00.006-04:00

It's good to know that as Chris gets older, he still has plenty of fans.

What's the word?

2011-05-24T20:55:00.002-04:00

A look at the most frequently used words on the Phillies official Twitter account since May 1:

Observations:
-- Lots of Hamels, not much Halladay.
-- More Valdez than Utley is understandable, but sad.
-- A lot of 3-0 counts. Not sure why.
-- Everybody hits. Woo-hoo!

The post where we pretend to care about the NBA Finals

2011-05-17T20:18:00.003-04:00

Possible outcomes of the NBA season, with pros and cons:

4) Miami Heat defeats Dallas/Oklahoma City
Pros: LeBron will probably cry, the fans at the victory parade will likely be scantily clad.
Cons: LeBron will be insufferable, ESPN will have stories about him all summer long, Cleveland will likely riot and burn to the ground.
Verdict: Worst outcome possible.

3) Oklahoma City Thunder defeats Miami/Chicago
Pros: Somebody new will finally win a championship, Kevin Durant doesn't seem like a jerk
Cons: Somebody is going to have to look up where Oklahoma City is, no city that just stole a team deserves a championship, nobody cares about Oklahoma
Verdict: Could be worse, but couldn't be more boring

2) Chicago Bulls defeat Dallas/Oklahoma City
Pros: LeBron and Wade watch the team they almost played for win it all
Cons: Whiny Chicago gets yet another championship, Michael Jordan somehow gets three more sponsorship deals, Oprah will get involved
Verdict: Nevermind, I'd rather see the Thunder win

1) Dallas Mavericks defeat Miami/Chicago
Pros: Somebody new will finally win a championship, Mark Cuban is comically insufferable for months, David Stern commits suicide
Cons: Dallas wins a championship
Verdict: Call them the North Texas Mavericks and let's call it a deal

Phillies scoring

2011-05-10T20:27:00.003-04:00

What this chart tells us:

1 -- The Phillies have been a pretty good team since 2000.
2 -- There is no explanation for why everything went right in 1993.
3 -- There is too many easily accessable baseball statistics databases online today.

Breaking down the draft

2011-05-03T20:43:00.003-04:00

It's time to analyze the Eagles draft the only way that makes sense: anagraming the names of the rookies to see what really lies inside their character.

Round 1 -- OL Danny Watkins
Anagram: Old tank yawns in
Analysis: He's a 26-year-old college grad, and even he is bored with this pick .Why should we be excited? Cut him from the team.

Round 2 -- DB Jaiquawn Jarrett
Anagram: Jaw ajar, quits rent
Analysis: A slack-jawed deadbeat? How does that help the secondary? Cut him from the team.

Round 3 -- DB Curtis Marsh
Anagram: Charms disturb
Analysis: I don’t care how cool he seems, I don’t trust the guy. Cut him from the team.

Round 4 -- LB Casey Matthews
Anagram: Why bet, classmate?
Analysis: HORRIBLE PICK. The last thing the Eagles need is a college athlete clearly hiding an illegal gambling habit. Cut him from the team.

Round 4 -- Nebraska K Alex Henery
Anagram: Akers’ ankle hex nearby
Analysis: Probably an accurate description -- Akers is likely to blow out his leg trying to upstage this kid. To protect David, cut him from the team.

Round 5 -- RB Dion Lewis
Anagram: Ole bird wins
Analysis: GREAT PICK. That’s what I like to see: players who have a winning attitude and the team mascot right in their names. Keep him.

Round 5 -- OL Julian Vandervelde
Anagram: Older juvenile vandal
Analysis: Old and immature? No thanks. We already have Vick. Cut him from the team.

Round 6 -- OL Jason Kelce
Anagram: Jello-cake son
Analysis: Great -- another overweight, out-of-shape O-lineman. Cut him from the team.

Round 6 -- LB Brian Rolle
Anagram: Barbell, I lorn
Analysis: Aw, somebody get this poor guy a set of weights to play with. Then cut him from the team.

Round 7 -- DE/LB Greg Lloyd
Anagram: Dry gelled glob
Analysis: What’s with all the fat guys this year? Is Andy trying to make himself look skinnier? Cut him from the team.

Round 7 -- RB Stanley Havili
Anagram: Shy vanilla biter
Analysis: If you want to play in the NFL, you can’t be shy, you can’t be boring, and you can’t bite people. Cut him from the team.

Not a good sign -- 11 draftees, 10 losers, one winner. It's gonna be a long season, if they ever start it up.

No Draftsgiving this year

2011-04-29T22:16:00.001-04:00

Blame the lockout.

A day of history

2011-04-26T21:23:00.002-04:00

On Sunday, within a span of just a few hours, the Phillies beat the Padres, the Sixers beat the Heat, and the Flyers beat the Sabres. That's a historic three-peat -- the last time all three of those teams won on the same day was ...

2009. Just over two years ago, actually, on April 19, 2009. It happened a few time in the 2000s, but only once in the 90s.

Huh. Sorta feel like that should have been more unusual.

On another note, no Philadelphia team has lost a game 7 while Cliff Lee was in town. I'm just saying.

Predictions for the Eagles 2011 season

2011-04-19T21:40:00.003-04:00

The NFL released this year's schedule earlier tonight -- Here's your instant analysis of what to expect from the Eagles' slate of games:

Sun, Sep 11 -- at St. Louis
Analysis: Would be an easy win ... if the strike didn't postpone the entire NFL season
Prediction: No game

Sun, Sep 18 -- at Atlanta
Analysis: QB Mike Vick's first trip to Atlanta ... won't happen because of the ongoing strike.
Prediction: No game

Sun, Sep 25 -- vs New York Giants
Analysis: QB Eli Manning always plays great on the road. He should do a great job picketing on the road too.
Prediction: No game

Sun, Oct 2 -- vs San Francisco
Analysis: Finally, football returns to the field, and the Eagles get win #1 on the season behind scab QB Jeff Garcia.
Prediction: Win*

Sun, Oct 9 -- at Buffalo
Analysis: An early snowfall in upstate New York causes three fumbles by scab QB Reno Mahe, and the team can't recover.
Prediction: Loss*

Sun, Oct 16 -- at Washington
Analysis: Six made FGs and eight missed FGs later, scab K James Paul misses a 28-yard FG in OT to seal another disappointing week.
Prediction: Tie*

Sun, Oct 23 -- vs Minnesota
Analysis: The Phillies finish off their four-game sweep of the Twins, clinching another World Series.
Prediction: Awesome

Sun, Oct 30 -- vs Dallas
Analysis: The Cowboys continue their undefeated season, led by QB Tony Romo, who crossed the picket line in week 2.
Prediction: Loss*

Mon, Nov 7 -- vs Chicago
Analysis: Finally, the stike ends and the real players suit up for their first time all season ... after this weekend is over.
Prediction: No game

Sun, Nov 13 -- vs Arizona
Analysis: Cardinals QB Donovan McNabb throws four TD passes against a rusty Eagles D in a romp.
Prediction: Loss

Sun, Nov 20 -- at New York Giants
Analysis: Another game in New York, another DeSean Jackson punt return
Prediction: Win

Sun, Nov 27 -- vs New England
Analysis: Strike, no strike, QB Tom Brady still kills in the regular season.
Prediction: Loss

Thu, Dec 1 -- at Seattle
Analysis: Three TD passes are almost enough to convince fans that QB Kevin Kolb will be a great replacement for Vick, who suffers a season-ending injury.
Prediction: Win

Sun, Dec 11 -- at Miami
Analysis: Two second-half INTs are enough to convince fans that QB Mike Kafka won't be a good replacement for Kolb, who suffers a season-ending injury.
Prediction: Loss

Sun, Dec 18 -- vs New York Jets
Analysis: A four-game win streak by the Flyers is a pleasant distraction from a 40-point loss to the Jets.
Prediction: Loss

Sat, Dec 24 -- at Dallas
Analysis: Strike, no strike, QB Tony Romo still chokes in December
Prediction: Win

Sun, Jan 1 -- vs Washington
Analysis: Less than two months before pitchers and catchers report.
Prediction: Loss

Final standings:
1-2-1 in scab games
3-5 in real games
4-0 in World Series

Fun with trends

2011-04-12T21:38:00.005-04:00

With one 18th of the season over, here's what to expect from the Phillies (stats through Monday):

** The team is on pace for 126 games, which would be an MLB record (7 wins so far)

** Ryan Howard is on pace for 198 RBI, which would be an MLB record (11 RBI so far)

** Shane Victorino is on pace for 270 hits, which would be an MLB record (15 hits so far)

** The team is on pace to score 1,062 runs, which would be an NL record (59 runs so far)

** Roy Oswalt is on pace for a 36 wins, which would be a personal record (2 wins so far)

** Joe Blanton is on pace to win zero games this season. (0 wins so far)

** The Mets are on place to finish in last place, which would be normal (Last place so far)

For the record

2011-04-05T21:59:00.002-04:00

I'm just finishing up an eight-day fellowship at Ohio State, and today I came to a realization:

I've now lived in Ohio, taken classes at the Ohio State University, attended an Ohio State football game, and received an "O-H" pin from the president of the school.

I am no longer an Ohio State front-runner. I am now, without question, a Buckeye.

Go Bucks!

Spending wisely

2011-03-22T20:51:00.002-04:00

This week, the Mets cut 2B Luis Castillo and P Oliver Perez from their active roster, freeing them to sign with any other team but leaving them on the hook for their 2011 salaries ($6 million and $12 million, respectively). That's $18 million being paid for two players not to play for the team.

Here's what $18 million pays for with better teams around the league:

** Seattle Mariners: One full season from OF Ichiro Suzuki ($18 mil)
** New York Yankees: 88 games from 3B Alex Rodriguez ($33 mil for the full year)
** San Diego Padres: The entire team, minus P Aaron Harang and 1B Brad Hawpe ($20 mil combined, $18 mil for the rest of the squad)
** St. Louis Cardinals: One full season from 1B Albert Pujols ($14.6 mil), plus a free $1 hot dog for each of the 3.4 million fans who'll watch home games this year.
** San Francisco Giants: One full season from P Tim Lincecum and OF Pat Burrell ($9 mil each)
** Philadelphia Philles: One full season from P Cliff Lee ($9 mil), P Cole Hamels ($6.65 mil), C Carlos Ruiz ($1.9 mil) and IF Wilson Valdez ($400 K), plus 8 field level seats for every home game this year ($50 K).

Field of 64 ... Philly style

2011-03-15T20:34:00.005-04:00

Once again, March Madness provides us the perfect opportunity to look back at the year in Philadelphia sports and judge everyone accordingly. Without any delay, this year's winner is...

Why the NBA stinks

2011-03-08T21:39:00.002-05:00

In the last 27 years, seven different cities have won an NBA championship.

In the NFL, seven different cities have won a championship in the last nine years.
In the MLB, seven different cities have won a championship in the last eight years.
In the NHL, seven different cities have won a championship in the last seven years.

Most likely teams to win an NBA championship this year:

-- San Antonio Spurs (4 champs in the last 12 years)
-- Los Angeles Lakers (10 champs in the last 31 years)
-- Chicago Bulls (6 champs in the last 20 years)
-- Boston Celtics (4 champs in the last 30 years)
-- Miami Heat (1 champ in the last 5 years)

I'm just saying, sometimes it's nice to see new faces.

NFL Lockout Q&A

2011-03-01T21:58:00.001-05:00

The NFL's collective bargaining agreement expires this Friday, and neither the owners nor the players seem willing to agree on new terms right now, which could jeopardize the 2012 NFL season. Here's a quick primer on the issue for those of you just tuning in:

How serious is this?
Not serious at all. Giving up a few runs in a spring training game means virtually nothing when the regular season starts, so P Cliff Lee's two innings, two runs line today should not set off any alarm bells.

I meant the NFL thing.
Oh.

What's this dispute over?
Money. Everybody wants more.

But don't the players and owners already have a lot?
The NFL minimum salary last year was $310,000, roughly 10 times what you make. The least valuable franchise last year (The Jacksonville Jaguars) was worth $725 million, roughly 25,000 times what you make.

That's a lot of money.
When someone asked John Rockefeller how much money is enough, his answer was "just a little bit more."

So, who's to blame here?
The fans.

What?
Who gave them all that money in the first place? When we started agreeing to a $2,500 charge for the right to buy season tickets, we gave them the right to bicker over percentage points of revenue that could fund a small revolution overseas.

So, how will this affect me?
It won't. Baseball season still starts later this month.

Seriously, how will this affect the NFL?
Draftsgiving will still take place as planned. After that, you have to wait until June to be allowed to panic about losing next season.

But could they really lose the whole season?
Sure. And if they strike and don't play games, the fans will never forgive them ... just like they've never forgiven baseball for that 1994 strike.

Now you're just being cynical.
And you're denying that college football will easily fill the temporary void left by this nonsense.

But what should I do?
Just relax and enjoy the ride. Cliff will have those mechanics worked out in just a few more weeks.

Pre-season World Series quiz

2011-02-22T21:15:00.007-05:00

Last week, when reporters asked P Cole Hamels what it was like to be the only Phillies starter with a World Series ring, P Joe Blanton joked that the writers always forget about him (he was on that 2008 team too).

With that in mind, how well do you remember who has a Phillies 2008 ring, and who doesn't? Here's a quick quiz to jog your memory:

By the way, here's the answer key (highlight to read):

Winners:
P Clay Condrey, P J.A. Happ, P Scott Eyre, P Brett Myers, C Chris Coste, 3B Greg Dobbs, OF Geoff Jenkins, OF Matt Stairs

Not Winners:
P Kyle Kendrick (remember, he was left off the WS roster), P Adam Eaton (him too), P Chan Ho Park, C Paul Bako, 2B Tad Igutchi, SS Miguel Cairo, OF John Mayberry

Phailed Phillies marketing

2011-02-15T21:30:00.007-05:00

The Phillies are still trying to figure out exactly how to market their quartet of All-Star pitchers (The Four Aces? R2C2? The Fab Four?) before the start of the baseball season. Here's a quick look at some of the campaign ideas that haven't quite reached the right level of hype yet:

500th post spectacular

2011-02-08T21:06:00.004-05:00

In honor of my 500th post here, let's take a look at other 500s of note in Philadelphia sports history:

Phillies who have hit 500 home runs: One (Mike Schmidt)
Eagles who have caught 500 passes: One (Harold Carmichael)
Flyers who has tallied 500 assists: One (Bobby Clarke)
Sixers who have scored 500 three-pointers: Two (Allen Iverson and Kyle Korver)

Phillies managers who have won 500 games:
Three (Mauch, Ozark, Manuel)
Phillies managers who have lost 500 games:
Three (Mauch, Ozark, Shotton)

Eagles seasons under .500: 40
Eagles seasons over .500: 33

Flyers who have played at least 500 games: 28
Flyers who have played exactly 500 games: 1 (Paul Holmgren)

Sixers coaches who have lasted 500 games:
Three (Brown, Cunningham, Cervi)
Sixers coaches with a playoff record over .500:
Four (Cunningham, Shue, Hannum, Cervi)

For everyone whose read some or all of those 500 posts, thanks. Doubt I'll make it another 500, but it's been a fun ride so far.

Betting on the big game

2011-02-01T19:47:00.002-05:00

Actual Super Bowl prop bets (on BoDog.com) that would make for both a hefty payout and an awesome game:

One of the teams blocks/misses an extra point
** $10 bet pays you $100

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers’ first pass attempt is intercepted
** $10 bet pays $150

Fergie sings at halftime in a thong and Dallas cheerleader outfit
** $10 bet pays $150

The Steelers have zero punts in the game
** $10 bet pays $200

Neither team scores more than 10 points
** $10 bet pays $300

Both teams combine for 10 touchdowns
** $10 bet pays $300

Neither team records a sack in the game
** $10 bet pays $400

Packers backup RB Brandon Jackson wins the Super Bowl MVP
** $10 bet pays $500

The receiving team fumbles away the opening kickoff
** $10 bet pays $650

The first TD of the game is officially a zero-yard TD
** $10 bet pays $750

The Packers score exactly 43 points for the game
** $10 bet pays $3,000

The Steelers score exactly two points for the game
** $10 bet pays $30,000

Pressing Pro Bowl questions

2011-01-24T14:47:00.002-05:00

With the big game just days away, here's what all the NFL fans are talking about (other than the Super Bowl, the just-completed championship games, the upcoming draft, the possible lockout, next year's college football season, and pretty much anything else):

** Will two more Falcons make the team?
The all-time record for players on a single Pro-Bowl squad is 11, set by the 2007 Cowboys. But with the addition of CB Brent "Frank" Grimes on Monday, the Hotlanta birds now boast nine all-stars (and zero playoff wins this year.) Can the NFL find room for just a few more of their players, and erase that Dallas record?

** Will WR Brandon Lloyd win the MVP?
Only three teams have never had a Pro-Bowl MVP: the Ravens, Panthers and Broncos. The Baltimore and Carolina don't have any likely candidates on offense, but Denver does have their #1 WR in the mix. Hopefully he can haul in three TD passes and the MVP award for the good fans out in the mile-high city.

** Will anyone rush for 181 yards?
Hard to believe, but the Pro-Bowl single game rushing record is 180 yards, posted by Marshall Faulk (in 1995, while he was with the Colts, for the love of gawd). The single game receiving record is 212 yards (Randy Moss, in 2000) and the passing record is 342 yards (Peyton Manning, 2004). It's hard to believe anyone would try that hard, but maybe Phillip Rivers or Jamaal Charles is really angry about how the season turned out and wants to take it out on someone.

** Will a Seahawk be named to the squad?
Seattle grabbed the biggest upset of the playoffs this year (upending the Saints in the first round), but so far they're the only team not to have a representative on the Pro-Bowl roster. S Earl Thomas appeared to be in line to replace Packers' S Nick Collins, but that honor went instead to S Roman Harper of New Orleans (so, the Saints win that round). Time is running out for the NFL to keep that valuable Seattle TV market interested in the game.

** Will anyone watch?
Someone must care -- Vegas even sets a betting line for the game (NFC is favored by 1.5 points). But, with the game back in Hawaii and more players planning to bail on the trip, it's worth asking whether the NFL needs to shake up the spectacle.

Here's an idea that's been floated before, but it worth exploring: replace it with a skills competition. A good skills competition. And instead of offering money, make the winners be the only players eligible to sign shoe contracts (the NFL already has stricter on-field uniform rules than that). Think that won't make DeSean Jackson participate in a 50-yard dash? Think that won't make Peyton Manning see who can chuck a football the furthest? Hell, throw in one free helmet-to-helmet penalty for the winner of the linebackers' skill contest, and the whole thing falls in place.

Reseeding the NFL playoffs

2011-01-18T21:09:00.010-05:00

If you were one of the thousands of NFL fans who thought the Seahawks upset victory over the Saints was a spectacular dose of excitement and fun in the playoffs this year, you’re wrong and should feel ashamed. The 7-9 Seahawks were clearly the most harmful thing to happen to the league since the start of the Super Bowl era (at least according to the TV football experts) and proves that the NFL must abandon its antiquated conference playoffs format in lieu of “having the best teams” play in January.

Obviously, the only solution is to develop an NCAA-basketball-style playoff, giving byes to the four best teams and awarding home-field playoff games to the next four strongest. If we ranked this year’s top NFL squads based on record and opponent win percentage (which would be the only fair tiebreaker), here’s what we’d get (teams listed with regular season record and opponent win percentage):

Much more exciting already – we’ve eliminated the boring Chiefs (10-6, but with a .414 opponent win percentage) and Seahawks entirely, and replaced them with the thrill-a-minute Bucs and Giants. Sure, the Eagles and Colts lose their home-field playoff game, and the Bears lose their first-round bye, but surely it’s all worth it to get that New York vs. New York first-round game, right?

Or perhaps we should go with a true NCAA style ranking, where we ignore records and actual team accomplishments in lieu of ESPN’s end-of-season opinion rankings? Here's what we'd get:

Again, a far superior system. We’ve replaced a boring Seahawks upset of the Saints with a massacre of the Giants down in New Orleans. The Bears still get screwed, but I’m pretty sure Baltimore is a bigger TV market to pander to than those pesky Chicago fans. And, there’s still a great chance you’ll get that Jets-Patriots second-round game, provided they could boot the Packers out of the playoffs early.

But why stop there? Why should the regular season decide who gets in the playoffs? Can’t we just let sports writers feel what the right matchups are? Let’s seed the playoffs based off the pre-season rankings, which is what we all really wanted to see anyways. Here's what we'd get (teams listed with pre-season ranking and actual regular season record):

Now that's a playoff we could all be proud of.

Looking forward to more Coach Reid in 2011

2011-01-11T21:10:00.001-05:00

This week, the Tennessee Titans announced they will bring back coach Jeff Fisher for his 18th season this fall, despite a seven-year drought since his last playoff win. Fisher is the only active coach in the NFL who has remained in the same job longer than Eagles coach Andy Reid, who will enter his 13th season this fall.

A comparison of their resumes:

** Age?
Fisher: 52
Reid: 52

** Overall win percentage?
Fisher: 54 percent
Reid: 62 percent

** Only Super Bowl appearance?
Fisher: 1999 (year six coaching)
Reid: 2004 (year six coaching)

** Post SB playoff record?
Fisher: 2-5
Reid: 3-4

** Team average division finish?
Fisher: 2.4 place
Reid: 2.0 place

With that in mind, here’s a look at how Fisher’s teams have done in years 13 through 17 of his coaching:

** 1 division title
** 0 playoff wins
** 0 Super Bowl appearances
** 0 Super Bowl championships

But I’m sure Andy will have completely different results in his future. After all, he’s a completely different coach.

2010 fantasy season recap

2011-01-04T22:01:00.011-05:00

Here are the final league standings for this season:

Farve Dollar Footlongs (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800.00 pts
Actual finish -- 12th place, 1807.76 pts
NFL equivalent -- Carolina Panthers
Let's be honest -- Between his new job and the birth of his beautiful baby daughter this season, Anthony could care less about his last-place finish. He barely even tried for most of the year, just like the Panthers. On the plus side, both are guaranteed great draft picks next year. And both have nine months to come up with excuses for next year's terrible season as well.

Heidi’s team (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
Actual finish -- 11th place, 1856.69 pts
NFL equivalent -- Cincinnati Bengals
Heidi’s coaching skills have just never fully recovered from that one-year suspension for performance-enhancing drugs in 2007. Sure, it’s usually not this bad of a finish, but there’s no fire, no passion for crushing the league. Clearly, there’s only one way for her to get that enthusiasm back: Force a trade out of Green Bay, sexually harass some folks in New York, then move to Minnesota. That’s standard career rejuvenation now, right?

I heart WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
Actual finish -- 10th place, 1914.21 pts
NFL equivalent -- Minnesota Vikings
Both Paul's team and the Vikings came into 2010 with high expectations, and both leave the season with their shoulders slumped and hopes dashed. On the bright side, at least Paul's house didn't collapse under the weight of a sudden snowfall, so he's in better shape than the Minnesota franchise. On the down side, his recent referendum for a bond sale to finance a 65,000-seat addition to his house was not approved by voters.

Obama’s Kenyan Birth (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
Actual finish -- 9th place, 1921.69 pts
NFL equivalent -- Cleveland Browns
Everything about Jim screams Cleveland Browns. Questionable coaching? Check. Surly fan base? Check. Eric Mangini hanging out in his living room? Check. (By the way, Jim, Eric Mangini needs a place to stay, now that he got fired.) The good news for Jim and his Cleveland buddies is that baseball season starts soon, so they'll all once again be pulling for the Indians and rooting against those stinking Yankees.

I Love Me Some Me (Joanner)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
Actual finish -- 8th place, 1964.51 pts
NFL equivalent -- Houston Texans
Nothing acts like the kiss of death like NFL "experts" calling you the team to watch, and nothing kills your Awesome Cup chances like me putting you #1 in the pre-season poll. So, both the Texans and Joanna taste bitter defeat and finish near the bottom of the pile. However, her poor record this year reflects well on Junior Awesome, who helped guide her to a 3rd-place finish last year from his assistant coaching seat in her belly. That kid clearly has potential.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
Actual finish -- 7th place, 2030 pts
NFL equivalent -- San Diego Chargers
A bit of a down year for the one-time Awesome Cup champ, but we'll focus on the positives. He set his roster for at least 12 of the 17 weeks this season. He finished second (out of three) in the league's Ohio subdivision. And he was not fined by the NFL once this year for an illegal helmet-to-helmet hit, or for tripping players on the sidelines. That Jeff is a class act, and he's proving that nice guys don't always finish last. Sometimes they finish seventh.

The Tebow Connection (Joel)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
Actual finish -- 6th place, 2115.46 pts
NFL equivalent -- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I'll admit I didn't think Joel, despite the solid team name, had a chance of finishing in the top half of the bracket, but like Tampa Bay he surprised with a strong all-around performance. It just wasn't strong enough to really matter in the end. But, like the Bucs, at least he can look back on that great 2002 championship season with fond memories and a sense of hope for the future. Wait, he didn't win that year? Ouch.

Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
Actual finish -- 5th place, 2117.41 pts
NFL equivalent -- Jacksonville Jaguars
Dad inched out Joel by fewer than two pts to secure fifth place and win ... pride, I guess? Like the Jags, he earns the distinction of being the best of the non-playoff teams. And, like the Jags, that earns you a slightly-better-but-still-not-good draft pick next year. But he'll definitely be able to grab Kevin Kolb in the first round this year. I've got a good feeling about that kid taking over the Eagles offense in 2011.

Stay Puft Haynesworth (NewMike)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
Actual finish -- 4th place, 2183.06 pts
NFL equivalent – New Orleans Saints
The Awesome Cup defending champs played like the defending Super Bowl champs: good, but not quite good enough to really stand out. NewMike just edged out Paul for the most roster moves this year (30 to 29) and the most pick-ups of players minutes before I got them (at least a dozen). He also easily posted the best team name in a weak crop of contenders. Start thinking of better ones for next year. “KevinKolb4evar” will not be accepted.

Springfield Atoms (Bob)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
Actual finish -- 3rd place, 2268.68 pts
NFL equivalent -- Kansas City Chiefs
For a while it looked like Dr. Bob and all his fancy-pants college degrees had this league wrapped up, but book learning ain’t how you win the Awesome Cup. If he had used some street smarts instead of his ivory tower academics, maybe he could have predicted two untimely concussions to QB Aaron Rodgers and a mysterious late-season disappearance by WR Calvin Johnson. But he didn’t. On the plus side, a bronze medal is a nice consolation prize … if you get that for finishing third here, which we don’t.

I’m on a Horse (ChampMike)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
Actual finish -- 2nd place, 2279.48 pts
NFL equivalent -- Pittsburgh Steelers
Old reliable Mike, the only two-time Awesome Cup champion in league history (more on that in a minute), made a strong run at the title again this season with a Dwayne-Bowe-filled stats avalanche in December. But, as we all know, if you're not first, you're last. So Mike and Heidi get the same prize for their very different finishes at each end of the leaderboard: a hearty handshake, and a comfy seat on the couch during the post-season. In Dallas, they call that a Tony Romo winter.

West Coast Westy (Capt. Awesome)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
Actual finish -- 1st place, 2328.68 pts
NFL equivalent -- 2008 Philadelphia Phillies
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot there is one other two-time Awesome Cup champ, now that this season has finished. I rode the Tom Brady-Mike Vick-LeSean McCoy train to my second league title, and accomplished something no other football team in history has done -- won meaningful games with Lee Evans on my squad. The word "hero" is thrown around too casually by the liberal media nowadays, but I think in this case, considering my coaching skills, it's absolutely appropriate.

In celebration, I looked up what I wrote the last time I won the league title, and it's as poetic now as it was then: "So that’s how it ends, with me striking the Heisman pose and all of you wishing you were more like me. And that’s a pretty happy ending.

Without further ado, I happily award the 2010 Awesome Cup to myself:

Thanks all for playing this year. Remember, I'm here every week, good football or bad football, so be sure to check back for some chuckles through the playoffs and the weeks leading up to Draftsgiving. And start getting your act together for next fantasy season, and the race for the 10th Awesome Cup title.

2010 fantasy recap, week 17

2011-01-03T21:20:00.007-05:00

** Neither Kevin Kolb nor Donovan McNabb was the right choice at QB for the Eagles.
** It doesn't matter what else happens, Peyton Manning will end up in the playoffs.
** It doesn't matter what else happens, Eli Manning will choke in December.
** Terrell Owens can still play, but somehow that means fewer wins, not more.
** Football should never be played on Tuesday nights, unless it's college teams no one cares about.
** The NFC West is, and always has been, simply terrible.
** Brett Favre is one of the greatest QBs in NFL history, and nobody wants to see him play ever again.

Top QBs
1st place: Tom Brady, 371.00 pts – 5th QB drafted (me)
2nd place: Aaron Rodgers, 360.48 pts – 1st QB drafted (Bobert)
3rd place: Mike Vick, 352.32 pts – Waiver pick-up (me)
No one can tell you that just a few months ago they saw Vick cracking the top three, but at least the other two here were expected.

Top RBs
1st place: Arian Foster, 374.87 pts – 25th RB drafted (Joel)
2nd place: Peyton Hillis, 279.52 pts – 44th RB drafted (NewMike)
3rd place: LeSean McCoy, 277.97 pts – 18th RB drafted (me)
You can't say the same for these guys. Arian Foster, who no one ever heard of before September, easily won the league rushing title and was the best fantasy player overall.

Top WRs
1st place: Roddy White, 273.40 pts – 8th WR drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: Dwayne Bowe, 240.37 pts – 19th WR drafted (ChampMike)
3rd place: Brandon Lloyd, 238.73 pts – Waiver pick-up (ChampMike)
Dwayne Bowe (whose parents apparently wanted to name him Rainbow but had a speech impediment) was a mild surprise here, but Lloyd was a stunner. He had more yards and catches this year than in three years with the Bears and Racial Slurs combined.

Top TEs
1st place: Jason Witten, 215.30 pts – 7th TE drafted (NewMike)
2nd place: Mercedes Lewis, 162.17 pts – 18th TE drafted (ChampMike)
3rd place: Antonio Gates, 162.13 pts – 2nd TE drafted (NewMike)
The #1 drafted TE? Brent Celek. How'd that work out for the first half of the season?

Top K
1st place: Sebastian Janikowski, 158.00 pts – 10th K drafted (Joel)
2nd place: David Akers, 154.50 pts – 12th K drafted (ChampMike)
3rd place: Josh Brown, 139.00 pts – Never used
Twelve teams in the league, and no one had use for poor Josh Brown? So sad.

Top DEF
1st place: Pittsburgh, 221.00 pts – 5th DEF drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: New England, 218.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (me)
3rd place: Green Bay, 210.00 pts – 4th DEF drafted (ChampMike)
Frankly, I only get surprised when Pittsburgh doesn't have one of the top three defenses. Hopefully Green Bay's D will suffer a sudden breakdown next Sunday.

Top D
1st place: Kerry Rhodes, 79.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (NewMike)
2nd place: James Harrison, 77.50 pts – Waiver pick-up (ChampMike)
3rd place: Terrell Thomas, 77.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (Paul)
3rd place: Ray Lewis, 77.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (Joel)
And, once again, none of us have any idea how to draft defensive players. But at least we corrected our mistakes.

“Year-end” edition

5th place: Sage Rosenfels, -0.30 pts
4th place: Brodie Croyle, -0.48 pts
3rd place: Levi Brown, -1.04 pts
2nd place: Brian Brohm, -3.76 pts
1st place: Todd Collins, -7.28 pts

The bottom six spots of the year all went to backup QBs, but no one was quick as spectacularly awful on the year as the Bears second-string signal caller.

In two appearances this year, Collins passed for just 68 yards and five interceptions. His QB rating for the season was 5.9, roughly seven times worse than your QB rating for the year (1 attempt, 0 completions equals a 39.5 rating). For good measure, he was also sacked twice.

Amazingly, Chicago was 1-1 in those games, beating Carolina 23-6 in a game where Collins threw four picks. Just so we’re clear on that point: The Bears would have been better off not fielding a QB in that game, and they still won by 17 points.

If you missed that contest, don’t worry. I’m sure the NFL Network will be airing it as an instant classic for years to come.

Players who appeared in Sunday's games who I was sure had retired already:

** Mark Brunell: The 40-year-old QB, in his 15th year, threw two TDs and a pick in the Jets' win over Buffalo on Sunday.
** Fred Taylor: The aging RB, whose career appeared over in 2002 because of leg injuries, had 10 carries in the Patriots win over the Dolphins.
** Greg Lewis: The eight-year WR, who hasn't caught more than 20 passes in a season since 2005, had a tackle in the Vikings loss to the Lions.
** Donte Stallworth: The controversial WR, who was suspended for the season two years ago following a fatal DUI accident, had one rush for 15 yards in the Ravens win over the Bengals.
** Takeo Spikes: The 13-year LB, who had recorded a sack in each of his last 12 seasons, had three tackles but no sacks in the 49ers win over the Cardinals.
** Kevin Kolb: The fourth-year QB, who came into this year as the Eagles' starter, sorta sucks.

This weekend marked the end of the regular season, but not the end of stupid. Here's a quick sampling of what to expect as the playoffs roll around:

Before the games started, ESPN talking head Chris Berman said the Green Bay Packers had a chance to end the playoff hopes for the Giants "and the largest TV market in America, much to the NFL's dismay." So, ESPN has finally acknowledged that the New York Jets do not play in New York or have any fans there.

During the Eagles game, the FOX announcers explained that three teams were vying for the final playoff spot "but only one of them, the Packers, controls their own destiny." You know, as opposed to all three of them controlling their own destiny, and all three of them getting in on that one playoff spot.

Sunday night, following a Seattle TD by WR Mike Williams , NBC analyst Chris Collinsworth exclaimed "what a long, strange ride it has been for this guy." I did not realize that Collinsworth went to the same Catholic high school as me, where the senior prom theme was "what a long, strange journey it's been" because the word "trip" was too suggestive.

But my personal favorite of the weekend came during the CBS telecast of the Chargers-Broncos game, when QB Phillip Rivers scrambled past a blitzing linebacker and tossed a beautiful 20-yard pass for a first down:

Color announcer: "Did you see that? You think Phillip Rivers doesn't care about this game? Do you think Rivers thinks this game is meaningless and doesn't care if he wins?"
Play-by-play announcer: "No, no I don't. I didn't say that."

Sorry to say, but the commentary only gets worse as the games get more important.

Why wait until this season is over to start worrying about next year? Here's a quick breakdown of the Eagles' already set opponents for next season, and their chances of beating them:

Home Games: Cowboys, Giants, Racial Slurs, Patriots, Jets, Niners, Cardinals, Bears
** The Patriots and Jets are harsh home opponents, and with the loss of CB Asante Samuel for the 2011 season (convicted of insider trading) Tom Brady and Mark Sanchez carve up the defense in lopsided losses, and a mid-season upset loss to the 0-6 Racial Slurs hurts too. But the Eagles steal an early-season win against the Bears (a fourth quarter Devin Hester fumble sets up the game-winning field goal), and beat the rest of their NFC opponents, to finish 5-3 at home.

Away Games: Cowboys, Giants, Racial Slurs, Bills, Dolphins, Seahawks, Rams, Falcons
** LeSean McCoy rushes for a team-record 240 yards in an early match-up in Buffalo, setting up a season-long theme of "run first" for the new-look Eagles. A mid-season loss in Atlanta doesn't hurt as much as a dreadful game against 2-6 Seattle (Mike Vick, three INTs and two fumbles) but the team finishes strong to post a 11-5 record overall. Unfortunately, that Seahawks loss costs them a first-round bye again.

Conclusion: Actually, it's 2013 you should really start worrying about. Have you seen that schedule? Ugh.

The Cowboys handled the Eagles second-stringers on Sunday, completing their season with a 6-10 record. Sure, the team didn't quite reach their pre-season Super Bowl expectations, but a few nice games at the end of the season and a win against the NFC East champs to close the year has to leave the Cowboys with some positive momentum, right? Let's anagram it and see:

Cowboys rally in final game for a victory
** No valor: Crying Cowboy army fails at life

That seems a bit harsh. Maybe if we just phrase it a little differently?

Dallas squad manages win in their last week
** Therein, squawking seals still damned. Waaa

OK, but really, can we leave the boys for the year on such a negative anagram? One more, please:

Big D triumphs in final weekend contest
** But finish lacks redemption. Wet ending

That'll do it. Have fun playing golf while good teams play the Super Bowl in your home, cowpokes.

** Dad and I split the final slate of game this week, giving me a slim one-game victory in our weekly picks contest ... but a victory nonetheless. It's our closest finish ever and only the sixth time I've won the rivalry since I left home for college (I think ... to be honest, we usually forget who won by the time the next season rolls around). As punishment, Dad has to wear the shirt of my choosing when we go to Citizens Bank Park later this spring. I'll make him wear his embarrassing #33 Cliff Lee shirt, while I wear my far superior #34 Cliff Lee shirt.

** Only 87 days until baseball season begins.

** I'd like to point out once again that when I said Kevin Kolb was the wrong choice at QB for the Eagles, I was completely right. Nevermind the logic behind it. The important point here is to recognize the conclusion was correct.

** Don't forget: University of Delaware plays for the national championship of college football (in the division that really matters) this Friday night. You're rooting for the guys with blue and yellow helmets this time, not against them.

Coming tomorrow -- the final season recap, and the engraving of the Awesome Cup.

2010 fantasy recap, week 16

2010-12-29T20:01:00.006-05:00

Nine years ago, the NFL struggled with the decision of whether to postpone their entire slate of games for a weekend after the deadliest terrorist attack on American soil stunned the nation and grounded every single plane in the country. They did, after several days of deliberation and some emotional patriotic words on both sides of the debate.

On Sunday, the NFL decided to postpone the Eagles/Vikings game after about three hours of listening to weathermen predict unbearably heavy snowfall in New York and Boston, hundreds of miles north of Lincoln Financial Field, because of concerns about how bad the roads outside the stadium might be.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you, as gently as possible, is that the terrorists won.

Hey, Ed Rendell agrees with me.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 42.76 pts – started by Bobert
RB: Jamaal Charles, 26.37 pts – started by Paul
WR: Jerome Simpson, 26.27 pts – sitting on the wire
TE: Kellen Winslow, 25.53 pts – started by Jeff
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 19.00 pts – started by Joel
DEF: New England, 26.00 pts – started by me
D: Antoine Winfield, 18.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Winfield, the Vikings cornerback, got 10 of his 18 pts on that first-half sack-fumble-TD against the Eagles on Monday night. Luckily, the Birds played poorly enough that didn't really matter in the end.

By the way, Heidi's team scored just 59 pts this week, one of the worst outings ever in league history. That's largely because her top RB and starting QB were both benched this week, and she did nothing in response. For comparison's sake, Bobert's starting QB and top running back posted 52 pts on their own.

“Names you know” edition
3rd place: Fred Taylor, -0.30 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Brodie Croyle, -2.08 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Mike Tolbert, -2.20 pts – started by Paul

How is it even possible that Fred Taylor is even playing? His knees were washed up six years ago.

By the way, just last month I wrote this:

"Paul started the worst player in the league for the third time this year. Two times is bad coaching. Three? That's just rotten luck. FYI, four is destiny."

It's destiny, Paul. Sorry.

Think you know the NFL? Then see if you can name which of the following folks are 2010 Pro-Bowlers, and which ones are space Marines from the movie Aliens.

** Al Apone: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Marc Mariani: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Maurkice Pouncey: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Daniel Spunkmeyer: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Logan Mankins: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Vonta Leach: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Trevor Wierzbowski: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer

If you got fewer than five right, game over, man, game over.

On the NFL Network's special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football (OK, right there, stop. That alone is stupid enough to stop typing this entire section. If you can't decide what day of the week it is, you shouldn't be airing football, driving cars, or speaking on any sort of mass media. I'm going to start having special Monday editions of Saturday afternoon and see if my bosses still expect me to show up for work ...)

On the NFL Network's special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football, when they were talking about the possibility of the Eagles and Vikings playing in a blizzard, Marshall Faulk let loose the following line:

"This definitely plays in favor of the Vikings, because they're more familiar with this kind of weather. Remember, the Vikings played in a snowstorm last week, the first outdoor game in Minnesota in 23 years."

So, to recap, a team which lost by four touchdowns in their first home outdoor game since Ronald Reagan was president is more equipped to handle bad weather than an Eagles team which plays multiple outdoor home games every winter. Makes perfect sense to me.

The spectacular sports blog The700Level is running a poll right now to pick the most shocking moment in Philadelphia sports for 2010. Here's what their candidates are:

** The Eagles trade Donovan McNabb within the division.
** The Flyers come back from 0-3 down in the playoffs to beat the Bruins in seven.
** The Eagles name Mike Vick their starter.
** The Phillies sign Cliff Lee.
** The Eagles score four TDs in the last 9 minutes to beat the Giants.

While that's a great list, here's what that leaves off:

** Roy Halladay pitches a perfect game.
** The Sixers get the number two pick in the NBA draft.
** Roy Halladay pitches the second no-hitter in MLB playoff history.
** The Eagles score 45 points in the first half against the Maryland Racial Slurs.
** Jayson Werth signs with the Washington Natinals.

And, of course, there's the not-necessarily-shocking but still-notable events:

** The Flyers reach the Stanley Cup finals.
** The Philadelphia Union plays its inaugural season.
** The Phillies reach their third straight NLCS.
** Roy Halladay wins the Cy Young by unanimous vote.
** The Eagles win the NFC East division title.

Yeah, that all happened this year.

Around this time of year I always hear the same thing (or, I would if anyone were still reading these recaps): How do you come up with all those anagrams?

Every year I try to explain to you folks that I'm not making this stuff up. If you look hard enough, the vile blackness that lies in the soul of every cowboys player easily emerges from the letters in their name. And if you still don't believe that, you can ask the players themselves:

Dallas Cowboys Right Guard Montrae Holland
** Lo, anagrams hold truth. Clownboys lag, I dread.

I ask you, what further proof do you need?

Click on the image below to make it bigger:

We've never had a closer race than this, folks. I've grabbed the lead in the penultimate week of the season, but I'm ahead of ChampMike and Bobert by about a TD. What will the final week bring? Bob's first Awesome Cup championship? My second? ChampMike's third?

Just a few more days and we'll know.

** The Saints big win on Monday night kept the Eagles' hope of home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs alive and gave me a one-game edge on Dad in our weekly picks going into the final slate of the season. Much like the fantasy season, it all comes down to one more week...

** Fantasy playoff challenge? Anyone? Anyone?

** By the way, the Eagles game on NBC was also "a special Tuesday night edition of Sunday Night Football." Somebody shoot me. At least they skipped that dreadful intro song.

** And for all the pundits who got excited about professional football being played on a Tuesday for the first time since the 1940s, I have bad news: Professional football is played almost every Tuesday during the fall. It's just called "college football." There was already a bowl game scheduled for last Tuesday. Get over it.

2010 fantasy recap, week 15

2010-12-21T22:19:00.005-05:00

Items going through the mind of Giants punter Matt Dodge in the waning seconds of the Eagles' comeback win in New Jersey on Sunday:

** Coach said not to kick it to DeSean Jackson, but maybe that was reverse psychology.

** You know, if he scores a TD we'll probably be home before dark.

** There are 10 other guys out here -- one of them just has to be close enough to grab him.

** I wonder if that Redskins punting job is still open.

** Ahh, crap.

QB: Mike Vick, 44.68 pts – sitting on my bench
RB: Ray Rice, 37.63 pts – started by Joel
WR: Vincent Jackson, 30.47 pts – started by Dad
TE: Jason Witten, 25.33 pts – started by NewMike
K: Robbie Gould, 16.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 23.00 pts – started by Jo
D: Drew Coleman, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Over the last six weeks, I’ve cost myself roughly 60 pts through incorrect calls with my two QBs, Vick and Tom Brady. At this point, I’m starting about starting one and putting money down on the other, because it seems like a sure way to profit from my lack of prognosticating skills.

By the way, a quick review of the league records shows that Heidi hasn’t had a top performer since week 5, the longest stretch of any team. That’s poor coaching right there. She needs to step up and tell Maurice Jones-Drew to be a hero out there next week.

"People on Anthony's team" edition
2nd Place (tie): Joseph Addai, 0.00 pts -- started by Ant
2nd Place (tie): San Francisco, 0.00 pts -- sitting on Ant
1st Place: Matt Hasselbeck, -2.76 pts -- sitting on Ant

In fairness, Addai was hurt and did not play, but since Anthony started him I thought I should include him. Hasselbeck had an impressive 28.9 rating (10 points worse than you) after two picks and an interception. San Francisco just kind of sucked.

Statistics of note from football this week

1 -- Number of times an NFL game has ended on a game-winning punt-return TD, now that the Eagles have done it.
1 -- Number of consecutive starts by Vikings QB Brett Farve, tying him for 32nd in the league.
1 -- Number of road wins by the Lions in their last 27 road games, a span of more than three years.
1 -- Number of TDs, rushing and receiving, scored by Saints RB Reggie Bush this season.
1 -- Number of playoff wins by the Cowboys in the last 14 years.

From Redskins QB Donovan McNabb, on whether he'd like to return to the Maryland Racial Slurs, a team which just demoted him to the third-string because they think washout QB Rex Grossman gives them a better future:

"I want to be here. I really do. ...I don't believe in starting something and not finishing."

Dude, take a hint.

Here's a look at what fans from a handful of the top sports cities are hoping to get for Christmas:

** New York: A new punter for the Giants.
** San Diego: Some decent weather for a change.
** Detroit: Brett Farve. Hey, at least you'd watch then.
** Tampa: A little respect would be nice.
** New England: Randy Moss. It's be the perfect gag gift.
** Buffalo: Snow shovels. For the love of gawd, more snow shovels.
** Washington: Another $100 million contract to ride the bench.
** Philadelphia: Quit whining. You already got Cliff Lee.

It's been a long, rough season for those poor Cowboys, who'll have to watch some other team play the Super Bowl in that temple of decadence that Jerry Jones built. Does that wear on players this time of year? Just take a look:

Dallas Cowboys right inside linebacker Kenwin Cummings
** Cry, babies. Two more glum, crabby weeks inching in. Sad calls in kind.

Yeah, I feel really bad for them.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bobert is desperately trying to hold on, but he has two Awesome Cup champions ahead of him and another on his heels. Like Aaron Rodgers, his championship dreams are blurry and dazed, but not totally dark yet.

Meanwhile, everyone else is playing for fifth place. Consider yourselves the Houston Texans.

** Dad picked up another game, leaving us tied for the season in our weekly picks contest. This is the closest either of us can remember the picks being in years. My prediction? It'll come down to a last-second punt return for a TD. Nobody will see it coming.

** So, the Phillies sign Cliff Lee away from the Yankees, the Flyers thump the Rangers, and the Eagles rip out the hearts of the Giants, all in the span of less than a week. Next week, the Statue of Liberty is relocated to Penn's Landing and the Dow Jones Industrial Average is bought by Tony Luke's.

** If the Eagles win next week, or the Giants lose, the Eagles are in the playoffs. If the Cowboys win next week, it totally doesn't matter at all.

2010 fantasy recap, week 14

2010-12-14T21:43:00.008-05:00

Let me get this straight.

The Philadelphia Phillies, the only professional sports team with 10,000 losses, a team that five years ago had to beg pitcher Adam Eaton to play for them, last year traded away the second-best pitcher in baseball (Cliff Lee) in a controversial and emotional move get the best pitcher in baseball (Roy Halladay), only to see Lee come back one-year later and give the Phils a discount so that he could play here instead of with the New York Yankees, the winningest franchise in all of professional sports.

Oh my gawd, I was killed in some sort of baseball-related accident, wasn't I? And this is heaven? Is Brian Dawkins on the Phillies now too?

QB: Matt Schaub, 32.52 pts -- sitting on Paul's bench
RB: Darren McFadden, 39.03 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Andre Johnson, 30.33 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Jason Whitten, 23.60 pts -- sitting on NewMike's bench
K: Jay Feely, 30.00 pts -- sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 27.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: LaMarr Woodley, 15.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

Just to cover that amazing Jay Feely line a little closer: He kicked five FGs, four extra points, recorded a tackle and scored on a five-yard TD run on a trick play in the second quarter. And after that TD run? Yeah, he kicked the extra point for that too.

"QBs name Kyle" edition
3rd Place: Kyle Boller, 0.50 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Jake Delhomme, -0.56 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st Place: Kyle Orton, -0.86 pts -- started by Heidi

At least Boller has the excuse that he was a temporary fill-in as the Raiders' backup QB -- Both Orton and Delhomme were the starters in their game, and just played dreadful.

Orton, who has 20 TDs and is on pace for a 4,000-yard passing season, has thrown no TDs in his last two games against three picks. And he hasn't passed for 300 yard combined in those two losses. And Tim Tebow is his backup, so it's not like anyone wants to see Orton play in the first place. Rough end of the season for him.

Every so often I like to remind myself how important good coaching is in this league. As an experiment, I recently popped in the very realistic Madden 2003 into my PS2 and played a full regular season with a randomly drafted set of players, insuring that every team is about the same skill level.

So, with coaching as the only real variable in the video game, here's a look at how my team performed under my creative play calling, proper clock management and general excellence:

** Team finished 16-0, averaging 100.3 points scored and 11.1 points allowed a game.
** QB Aaron Brooks passed for 5,721 yards and 80 TDs against 4 INTs.
** Backup QB Rob Johnson passed for 2,473 yards and 35 TDs against no INTs.
** RB Ricky Williams rushed for 3,178 yards and 75 TDs. He also caught 53 passes for 1,004 yards and 15 TDs.
** TE Chad Lewis caught 80 passes for 1,928 yards and 28 TDs, and was the team's-second leading receiver.
** The team was plus-31 in turnovers, with 14 defensive TDs, and allowed under 14 yards rushing a game.
** HB Brian Mitchell had 6 punt returns for TDs and 4 kickoff returns for TDs.
** K David Akers was 1 for 2 on FGs for the year, with 98 extra points converted.

All I'm saying is I'm available any nights or weekends to help Andy Reid figure out how to use timeouts properly.

During the Brett Farve eulogies on ESPN Monday night, two comments stood out above all the other nonsense.

First, Stuart Scott noted that when Farve's consecutive games streak started in 1992, "the number one song in the country was Boyz 2 Men's 'End of the Road.' How appropriate is that?"

Then, Chris Berman noted that Farve's consecutive game streak would end against the New York Giants, "and Orioles SS Cal Ripken ended his consecutive starts streak against the New York Yankees. How ironic is that?"

The answer to both those questions? Not at all. It's barely even interesting.

How the Eagles can miss the playoffs with an 11-5 record:

** The Eagles lose next week to the Giants, but win their final two games.
** New York wins their last three.
** Tampa Bay wins their last three.
** New Orleans wins two of its last three, but loses to the Bucs.

Then, the Giants (12-4) would win the NFC East (better record). The Saints (12-4) would be the top wild card team. The Bucs (11-5) would be the #6 seed, winning the tiebreaker over the Eagles (better NFC record).

An 11-5 team has only missed the playoffs twice in NFL history: the Broncos in 1985, and the Patriots in 2008. During Sunday's Eagles win over the Cowpokes, NBC commentator Chris Collinsworth said Dallas K David Buehler is a great young player with a lot of kicking power. "His only problem is accuracy."

As a football genius, I can tell you that there are only two real phases to kicking in the NFL: getting the ball to go far, and getting the ball to go straight. If you can't do one of the two, you're only doing half of your job. Currently Buehler is ranked 32nd in the league among kickers in FG accuracy, 26th among kickers with at least 10 attempts. That's not good.

But Collinsworth could have just looked at Buehler's name and seen clearly that it spells out failure:

Dallas Cowboys Kicker David Buehler
** Crabby lad: I suck, have eroded skill. Ow.

See? He's not accurate and not a good kicker.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bobert becomes the first person to break the 1900-pts mark, but check out that grouping at the top -- Another big week by me puts my team fewer than 24 points off of first place. It's still anyone's game.

** Dad picked up another game this week, so he trails by just a single tally with three weeks left in the season. It's the closest we've been in the weekly picks in years. One small screw-up and an entire year's bragging rights goes down the drain. Of course, since I'm beating him so handily in the fantasy league standings, I'll probably survive either way.

** So the Eagles beat the Cowboys on Sunday, the Phillies sign Cliff Lee late Monday, the Flyers end the Penguins' win streak on Tuesday. Can the Sixers cure cancer on Wednesday? Can the Philadelphia Union sign Jesus on Thursday? Gotta keep the good week going.

** Best part of the Cliff Lee signing? I can wear my Cliff Lee Phillies T-shirt again without any bad feelings. I knew there was a reason I never returned it.

2010 fantasy recap, week 13

2010-12-07T21:18:00.009-05:00

The Cowboys can still make the playoffs if the following things happen:

** The Cowboys (4-8) win their remaining four games
** The Eagles (8-4) lose their remaining four games.
** The Green Bay Packers (8-4) are disbanded by a bankruptcy court before Christmas, or
** The Green Bay Packers are all sentenced to prison for crimes against humanity.

Then, at 8-8, the Cowboys would win the tiebreaker with the Eagles for the sixth and final playoff spot (because they’d lose a tiebreaker with the Packers).

Please note: There are no actual scenarios where the Cowboys can reach the playoffs. And that’s despite ways for the 3-9 Cardinals and 5-7 Vikings to still make the post-season.

Sucks to be Dallas.

QB: Tom Brady, 37.82 pts -- sitting on my bench
RB: LeSean McCoy, 30.13 pts -- started by me
WR: Reggie Wayne, 33.83 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Ben Watson, 22.67 pts -- sitting on NewMike's bench
K: Josh Brown, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: New York Giants, 22.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
D: Sean Lee, 13.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

If you had started all of the top performers this week, you would have posted at least 176 pts. But you didn't. For shame.

"No-name QBs" edition
3rd Place: Matt Flynn, -0.20 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Max Hall, -1.60 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st Place: Brett Favre, -2.00 pts -- sitting on Jeff's bench

The legendary Brett Farve not only had the worst day of his career on Sunday, he had the worst day of ANY QB EVER. Farve threw one pass, had it picked off and was knocked out of the game with an injury. He ended the day with a 0.0 rating. Let's briefly recap how the QB ratings work:

1 for 1, 15 yards, 1 TD = 158.3 (perfect rating)
1 for 1, 15 yards, 0 TD = 118.7
1 for 1, 1 yard, 0 TD = 79.1
0 for 1, 0 yards, 0 TD = 39.6
0 for 0, 0 yards, 1 INT = 0.0 (lowest possible rating)

When you had a worse day than Max Hall, you know you done poor.

This week Eagles K David Akers set a new franchise record for game played, appearing in his 184th contest (breaking the 183-games record held by S Brian Dawkins). Here’s a quick look at some of the other franchise records Akers holds:

** Career points scored: 897
** Season points scored: 144
** Consecutive playoff FGs: 19 (NFL record)
** Career tackles by a kicker: 19
** Career rushing yards by a kicker: 25
** Career completion percentage: 100
** Career FG made with a ruptured hamstring: 1
** Karate black belts, which means he could kick a LB’s ass: 1
** Detmers elevated to cult hero status: 1

Akers is currently the longest-tenured Philadelphia professional athlete – he made his debut with the Eagles two weeks before Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins appeared in his first game.

During overtime of the Cowboys/Colts game Sunday afternoon, Fox analyst Troy Aikman noted that the Dallas defense had surrendered leads in the final minute of regulation two weeks in a row. Play-by-play guy Joe Buck (whose head is shaped funny) responded by adding, "I think the poor play of the defense more than any other reason lead to the firing of Wade Phillips."

And that might be true. But Phillips was fired more than a month ago, well before those two defensive meltdowns. So it just seems a little unfair to blame him for lethargic defensive play calling when all he can do is yell at the TV like the rest of us.

In the last two games, Peyton Manning has thrown eight TD passes. Unfortunately for Indy fans, only half of them were to Colts receivers. The other four were to opposing defenses, as part of the 11 interceptions he's tossed during the team's three-game losing streak.

What's the reason for his sudden fall from grace? Here are the most likely possibilities:

** The Colts had 16 players injured this week, including most of their RBs.
** He hasn't thrown 20-plus INTs in nearly a decade, so he was due for some bad games.
** He's really, really sick of living in Indiana.
** Matt Millen said he was the best QB in the league, and everything that idiot says is wrong.
** He has actually been replaced with his brother, Eli.

The Eagles and Cowboys square off for the first time this season next Sunday, in a rivalry that's lost some of its luster because Dallas just stinks. But, do the Cowboys rookie players think it's just another game? Let's look closer at the name of t one of their newest offensive linemen to find out:

Dallas Cowboys new left guard Phil Costa
** No typo, clad fact: Eagles will bash us. Word.

Wait, hold on, I'm just receiving word that the Cowboys have shifted Costa from the guard spot over to center. Think that'll change his mind?

Dallas Cowboys new backup center Phil Costa
** Bow once: Philly scares us. We can't adapt, block.

I guess not.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bobert is back on top, but who knows for how long?

I do. Two weeks. Then he drops back into second again.

** Dad and I split our picks again, and I remain plus two for the year. This season’s picks have been about as exciting as the actual NFL: completely random, and too focused on Brett Favre and the Manning brothers. Maybe one of us can stage some late-season excitement.

** Best of luck to former Phillies OF Jayson Werth, who signed a seven-year, $126 million deal with the Washington Natinals this weekend. I’m sure Donovan McNabb, Jeramiah Trotter, Mike Knuble and Eric Bruntlett can all tell you the DC area does wonderful things for your sports career.

** If anyone is looking for a job, I just heard about an exciting opportunity to work with Brian Dawkins out in Denver

** By the way, if you heard this story about an imposter Capt. Awesome, don't worry. He will face justice one day.

2010 fantasy recap, week 12

2010-11-30T21:40:00.008-05:00

On Monday the NFL meted out its punishment against Titans CB Cortland Finnegan and Texans WR Andre Johnson for their violent fistfight during the final minutes of Sunday's contest (both men were ejected from the game). The verdict? A $25,000 fine and no suspension. A week earlier Raiders DE Richard Seymour sucker punched Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger and drew an ejection and a $25,000 fine, but no suspension.

Here's a list of more dangerous and detrimental offenses in recent years that drew larger punishments than open, WWE-style fighting on the football field:

** February 2007: Bears LB Brian Urlacher fined $100,000 for wearing a VitaminWater hat during a media session (they're not an official NFL sponsor).
** November 2010: Eagles CB Asante Samuel fined $40,000 for making a hard tackle on a wideout who caught a pass.
** December 2009: Bengals WR Chad Johnson fined $30,000 for wearing a sombrero on the sidelines after scoring a touchdown.
** September 2010: Roethlisberger suspended for five games for being accused -- but not charged or convicted of -- an off-field crime.
** August 2010: Buccaneers CB Aquib Talib suspended for one game for punching a cab driver in an off-field incident.
** November 2010: Jets LB Bart Scott fined $30,000 for not buckling his chin strap properly.

So, remember, punching other players is OK. Just make sure you do it on national TV, and you're wearing the right sponsors' gear when you do it.

QB: Tom Brady, 37.74 pts – sitting on my bench
RB: Peyton Hillis, 41.30 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Dwayne Bowe, 42.33 pts – started by ChampMike
TE: Jacob Tamme, 17.27 pts – started by Dad
K: Nate Kaeding, 20.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: New York Jets, 27.00 pts – sitting on my bench
D: Kevin Burnlett, 13.50 pts – started by Joel

For the record, my starters did manage to outscore my bench, but it was close. The 12 guys I started scored 136 pts, and the seven bench spots I had totaled 100 pts. Maybe one of these weeks I’ll get it right….

By the way, Bowe had eight catches for 120 yards and two TDs in the first half of the Chief’s game against Seattle. If you’re ever running a football team and someone puts those numbers up against you, triple-cover him in the second half. Quadruple-cover him. Put everyone on the defense in front of that one guy. Let everyone else beat you, but make sure you at least figure out how to cover that one guy.

Seattle didn’t do that, and Bowe had five more catches for 50 yards and a TD in the second half. He accounted for more than half of his team’s catches and 72 percent of the Chief’s receiving yards in the game. Take the hint already, guys.

"AFC players" edition
3rd Place: Rusty Smith, -0.48 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Marcel Reece, -0.93 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st Place: Andre Caldwell, -2.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

Rusty Smith, who is the Titans' starting QB now and not a little-known plumber's tool, threw three picks and no TDs in Sunday's loss to the Texans, giving him a QB rating on the day of 26.7 (also known as "worse than you had" on Sunday). And yet two guys were still even worse than him.

By the way, on the season the worst fantasy player is still Bears QB Todd Collins, who accumulated -7.28 pts in two appearances this season.

A quick look at this weekend's heartbreaking losses, with analysis of which fans should feel the worst today:

** Maryland Racial Slurs (lost 17-13 to the Vikings)
Game: The Racial Slurs trailed for all of the second half, but appeared to take the lead on a 77-yard punt return TD in the fourth quarter ... only to see it called back on an illegal block.
Analysis: Meh. At 5-6, the Washington-ish squad is only slightly better than the 4-7 Vikings. It barely even counts as an upset.

** Dallas Cowboys (lost 30-27 to the Saints)
Game: The boys rallied from a 17-point first quarter deficit to grab a lead in the fourth, only to give up the game-losing TD with under two minutes in the game and miss a 58-yard FG in the final seconds to seal the defeat.
Analysis: Depressing. But the playoff-bound Saints were heavily favored in the game, and the 3-8 Cowboys should be used to this by now.

** Buffalo Bills (lost 19-16 to the Steelers)
Game: The Bills sent the game into overtime with a last-second FG, and had their star wideout open in the end zone in the extra period. But he dropped the potential game winning score, and Pittsburgh won moments later.
Analysis: Mind-numbing. The Bills could have used a win over one of the league's top teams as a inspiration point for next year. Now, they have to re-teach their WRs how to catch.

** Carolina Panthers (24-23 loss to the Browns)
Game: Carolina trailed nearly the whole game until the fourth, when they took the lead on a late FG. The Browns responded with a FG of their own to retake the lead, but in the waning seconds the Panthers drove down to the 25-yard line ... only to bounce the game-winning FG off an upright.
Analysis: Suicidal. The Browns are a terrible team, but it take a special kind of terrible to match Carolina's 1-10 record.

Last Wednesday, a reporter asked Titans RB Chris Johnson how important it was to defend his rushing title this season (going into the weekend, he trailed Texans RB Arian Foster by about 100 yards). His response?

"It's very important to me. That's one of my goals. I can't worry about what he's doing. I just go to keep worrying about myself and hopefully at the end I'll be the leader. At the end of the day, I just worry about my job and just continue to put up numbers myself."

Two issues with that:

1 -- If it's one of your goals to be the top rusher in the league, maybe you should worry about what the other guys are doing. That's kind of the point.

2 -- If the rushing title is very important to you, maybe you should do better than seven yards on five carries. Foster, who was playing against Johnson's Titans, picked up 143 yards.

The San Francisco 49ers lost Pro-Bowl RB Frank Gore on Monday night, but their running game didn't miss a beat. That's thanks to a 23-carry, 136-yard performance by long-lost Eagles RB Brian Westbrook, who said afterwards he knew he still had some great football left to play.

Here are a few other unlikely comebacks by former birds you could see in coming weeks:

** Trailing by 10 late in the fourth, the Vikings steal a remarkable victory thanks to a pair of TD receptions by sixth-string WR Hank Baskett.
** Rams rookie QB goes down with a leg injury early in the first half, but the team rallies for a 20-point win behind a 300-yard passing day by QB A.J. Feeley.
** In a key match-up with division rival Pittsburgh, the Cleveland Browns score a 27-19 upset victory on a last-minute 98-yard interception TD by CB Sheldon Brown.
** Repeating his greatness from his Philadelphia days, WR Terrell Owens collects 120 yards receiving and two TDs ... while his Bengals lose again and remain in last place.

The Eagles this Thursday start a rare two-week set against the same state, squaring off against the Texans this week and the Cowboys the next. I usually use this space to expose the evil of the Dallas crew, but I wondered if Houston's relative proximity to that pit of wickedness has any effect on their souls. The result?

The Lone Star State's Houston Texans and Dallas Cowboys
** Lousy Texas has two bad clans, no talent, no heart. Tossed.

With a combined record of 8-14 this year, that's hard to argue against.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Big weeks by the two Mikes again vault them forward, and Bob has finally been unseated as the leader of the pack. But, with five weeks left and fewer than 200 pts between fifth and first, don't count anyone out yet.

Except Anthony. Feel free to count him out.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, thanks to Colts QB Peyton Manning's inexplicable meltdown against the Chargers Sunday night. Let that be a lesson to all of you -- never rely on a Manning for anything.

** The Eagles play on Thursday night this week and Sunday night next week. In other news, I'm already tired from staying up too late to watch those games.

** The big stories this week: WR Andre Johnson gets in a fight, RB Chris Johnson lays an egg, WR Steve Johnson drops the game-winning pass for the Bills, NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson wins his fifth championship in a row. Next week maybe we'll move on to a few Joneses.

2010 fantasy recap, week 11

2010-11-23T21:58:00.007-05:00

** The players' union hasn't gone on strike yet, so there's still football on Thursday.
** The Eagles beat both Peyton and Eli Manning in consecutive weeks.
** QB Brett Favre came back for another season ... and is playing terrible.
** No matter what else changes, the Lions still stink.
** Nine safeties recorded so far this year.
** QB Donovan McNabb has made Washington a better team, but they're still not very good.
** The Cowboys are on their longest winning streak of the year ... and they're 3-7.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 40.50 pts -- sitting on Joel's bench
RB: Arian Foster, 28.33 pts -- started by Joel
WR: Greg Jennings, 35.13 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Joel Dreessen, 17.07 pts -- sitting on the wire
K: Graham Gano, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 25.00 pts -- started by Joel
D: Abram Elam, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

Honestly, if your name isn't Joel, you didn't need to read that section.

"Totally defensive" edition
2nd Place: St. Louis, -1.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Arizona, -1.00 pts -- sitting on Dad's bench
1st Place: Oakland, -2.00 pts -- started by Paul

Paul started the worst player in the league for the third time this year. Two times is bad coaching. Three? That's just rotten luck. FYI, four is destiny.

Random sports facts from the week presented to you for discussion:

** In the last month, Tennessee beat Philadelphia by 18, Philadelphia beat Washington 31, and Washington beat Tennessee by 3.

** Panthers' cornerback Captain Munnerlyn is not one of Carolina's defensive captains.

** Last Thursday, the Bears/Dolphins game featured 16 points (Bears won 16-0). The same night, the Flyers/Lightning game featured 15 points (Lightning won 8-7).

** Eagles CB Asante Samuel not only made a tackle in Monday night's game, he got a 15-yard penalty for making too violent of a tackle. I know, it's hard to believe.

** Bodog.com is already accepting bets for whether the Super Bowl coin toss is heads or tails. A $1 bet on either wins you $1.05 if you're correct.

During the college football scoreboard update on Saturday, talking head Rece Davis dropped this gem:

"The LSU Tigers, playing for their lives and to keep their slim championship hopes alive, trail in this game to Ole Miss."

I'm all for hyperbole, but I need you to study that line again. He's not just saying that they need to win to keep pace in the BCS standings -- that's the second thing they're playing for. They're playing for that AND their lives. If he had said "playing for their BCS lives" or "playing for their football lives" or even "playing for their lives" without the second phrase, it's just an exaggeration. But, the way he said it, the only way to read it is that the LSU team would have been executed if they lost on Saturday.

Unfortunately, we'll never know the truth, since the Tigers won on Saturday. To celebrate, they executed Rece Davis.
Indisputable, empirical evidence that Eli Manning is a terrible QB.

** In each of his seven years in the league, Eli has had more interceptions and fumbles than TDs ... except in 2009, when he had 27 TDs against 27 fumbles and INTs.

** He's without question only the third best quarterback in his family, and might be the fourth best -- His brother Cooper was an all-state football player in high school, but a spinal condition forced him out of the game.

** Sunday's three INT game was the 30th time (out of 98 games) he has thrown two or more picks in a contest.

** Since he took over as starting QB of the Giants, the team has never won a single playoff game (except for the four they won in 2007).

** He just looks so dopey all the time.

This Thursday marks Thanksgiving (or, as most people know it, November Draftsgiving) which means lots of food and football for most Americans. And, just like the dining room table, there's always one dish on the NFL schedule that leave you feeling a little sick in the stomach. But, don't take my word for it -- just take a look at what the letters in the TV Guide really spell out:

Annual Thanksgiving Dinner with the Dallas Cowboys
** Buns thaw, snot-nosed villains wreck holiday night again

On the bright side, if you have a toaster oven you can do something about those soggy dinner rolls. Not much you can do about those soggy Dallas linemen, though.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

A huge week by reigning champ NewMike (191 pts) vaults him into the top four, but an even bigger week by ChampMike (193 pts) puts him just a dozen points behind Bobert, who hasn't seen a serious threat in over a month. It's still anybody's game, so don't forget to set your rosters by Thursday morning.

** A special thanks to Jaguars RB Maurice Jones Drew this week. His last-minute 75-yard reception and 1-yard TD run in Jacksonville's win not only handed me an extra 13.70 pts in my other fantasy league, it also gave me another game up on Dad in our weekly picks. He's two back now.

** Text exchange between myself and G on Sunday night:
-- G, you at the game?
## No, I'm at home watching it on my new 50-inch plasma.
-- Nice. Sorry you have to see Eli that big.
## That's OK. The newer sets let you turn down the dopey.

** In case you missed it, yes, Philly fans did boo when the wrecking ball leveling the beloved Spectrum didn't work fast enough. Here's the link.

2010 fantasy recap, week 10

2010-11-16T21:24:00.009-05:00

A short list of teams who scored fewer points in four quarters this week than Eagles QB Mike Vick had in the first half alone on Monday night:

** Vick -- 30 pts (Five TDs in the first half)
** Dolphins -- 29 pts
** Chiefs -- 29 pts
** Redskins -- 28 pts
** Bears -- 27 pts
** Jets -- 26 pts
** Steelers -- 26 pts
** Falcons -- 26 pts
** Texans -- 24 pts
** Colts -- 23 pts
** 49ers -- 23 pts
** Ravens -- 21 pts
** Rams -- 20 pts
** Browns -- 20 pts
** Giants -- 20 pts
** Cardinals -- 18 pts
** Titans -- 17 pts
** Bengals -- 17 pts
** Panthers -- 16 pts
** Bills -- 14 pts
** Vikings -- 13 pts
** Lions -- 12 pts

Vick became the first QB ever to pass for three TDs and rush for two more in the first half of a game. His first two quarters bested all but six other teams in the league this weekend, and actually totaled more scoring than the entire output of the Bills' 14-12 win over the Lions.

Oh, he also outscored the rest of the Eagles, 36 to 23.

QB: Mike Vick, 57.37 pts -- sitting on my bench
RB: Keiland Williams, 34.23 pts -- sitting on the wire
WR: Dwayne Bowe, 37.40 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.80 pts -- started by Joel
K: Olindo Mare, 19.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 22.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
D: Dimitri Patterson, 13.50 pts -- sitting on the wire

OK, let's get this out of the way. This week, my starters collected 138 pts. And, mostly thanks to Vick, my backups totaled 142 pts. Played right, I could have topped 200 pts this week, but instead I left an incredible 70-plus pts on my bench. So, I bestow myself the Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week, ironically on the one week where he didn't blow a single call.

"All defenses" edition
3rd Place: Arizona, -2.00 pts -- started by Jeff
2nd Place: Washington, -5.00 pts -- sitting on Joel's bench
1st Place: Kansas City, -6.00 pts -- started by Jim

Kansas City posts the worst score possible on the week, recording no sacks or turnovers and allowing 49 points to the Broncos. Washington actually gave up 10 more points but recorded one sack, providing for their much better performance.

Sunday was a great day for Heisman Trophy winners -- 2008 recipient Sam Bradford and 2006 recipient Troy Smith battled into overtime of the Rams/49ers game, and 2007 winner Tim Tebow scored two TDs in Denver's big win over the Chiefs. How'd the other college greats do?

** Carson Palmer (2002 Heisman) -- threw 2 TDs but 3 INTs in the Bengals' loss to the Colts. In other words, he had a typical Heisman day.
** Matt Leinart (2004 Heisman) -- ably handled the clipboard as the third-string QB in the Texans loss to the Jaguars.
** Ricky Williams (1998 Heisman) -- lost a fumble in the Dolphins win over the Titans, but was not arrested for drug possession.
** Eric Crouch (2001 Heisman) -- offered commentary on the college football landscape on Versus, the Carolina Panthers of TV sports. Seriously.
** Reggie Bush (2005 Heisman) -- spent the Saints' bye week thinking about why he had to return his Heisman in shame.
** Ty Detmer (1990 Heisman) -- threw an interception to someone. Probably.

If you missed the Thursday night game on the NFL Network, consider yourself lucky. The broadcast featured the worst possible combination of commentators possible: Joe Theismann, who took one too many shots to the head during his playing career, and Matt Millen, who built the worst football team in NFL history (the 0-16 2007 Lions).

Here's just one example of how the conversation went all night long: After a flag was thrown in the third quarter while Atlanta was driving the ball down the field, both men chimed in:

Thiesmann: That flag is going to be an illegal lineman downfield. (Falcons QB) Matt Ryan held onto the ball too long, and that let his lineman get too far downfield.

Ref: Personal foul, defense (Ravens). Illegal hands to the face.

Millen: I think it's a personal foul on the Ravens.

Theismann: You might be right.

For the record, I think that was the only thing Millen got right all evening.

Actual votes you can make on the NFL's Pro Bowl voting site, with player stats provided as a courtesy by me:

NFC QB: Max Hall, Cardinals
YTD Stats -- 360 yds, 1 TD, 5 INTs, 41 QB rating

NFC RB: Reggie Bush, Saints
YTD Stats -- 18 rushing, 36 receiving yds, 0 TDs

AFC WR: Brian Robiskie, Browns
YTD Stats -- 9 catches, 81 receiving yards, 0 TDs

AFC TE: Brody Eldridge, Colts
YTD Stats -- 3 catches, 23 yards, 0 TDs

AFC Kicker: Ryan Lindell, Bills
YTD Stats -- 9 of 13 FGs, one missed XP

The Cowboys got their second win of the year on Sunday, embarrassing the Giants in New Jersey. Pundits credited the surprise performance to their new head coach, former offensive coordinator Jason Garrett. So, can he keep the momentum going? According to the letters in his name ... no.

New Dallas head coach Jason Garrett
** A cad, hotheads jeer. Wrong call, Satan. **

Not too many people know that Satan has hiring power within the Cowboys organization. Actually, he's mostly a figurehead within the company, but he does offer some personnel suggestions.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Another 160-plus-point week by Bobert pushes him further into the lead. Can he be stopped? Or is he the New Jersey Giants of our league, just waiting for a good punch in the nose?

Please, please do not confuse that analogy and punch Bob in the nose.

** Big week for me in the picks against Dad -- I swept all three we had different, giving me a one-game edge for the year thus far. That's what you call a comeback, folks. Still seven weeks of football left, though.

** FYI, the week after I said the Panthers wouldn't win a game this season, they won their first game of the year. Last week, I handicapped the Bills' uphill path to win a game this season, and on Sunday they won their first. I'm perfectly wrong with all my predictions. That's good enough to work for ESPN as an analyst.

** How good is NL Cy Young winner Roy Halladay? Well, he was the unanimous selection for the award, and the voting took place before the playoffs. So, everyone thought he deserved the award before pitching the second no-hitter in post-season history. That's good.